LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 81 — In which they have a nightmare (6)
*Warning for suicide.*
Chapter 81 — In which they have a nightmare (6)
Against Sangria’s better wishes, he fell asleep.
It was always like that.
The fate, the world, everything was against him on this date.
Whenever that day would come, no matter how much coffee he drank, no matter what neuron-stimulant he used, no matter what spell he casted, he would fall asleep and face that dream.
Perhaps falling sick was a blessing in disguise.
It stopped him from actually trying to pull off another ridiculous trick of getting himself awake every time he fell asleep.
Not that it ever worked, but Sangria tried.
Was it a curse?
Or perhaps he did something truly wrong and was now suffering for it?
That was such an absurd and stupid dream, Sangria abhorred each part of it.
Because in that dream….
He became the biggest idiot in the world.
Not that the idiot knew that he was an idiot.
Instead, he believed himself to be a rather smart man.
Smart enough to know that it wasn’t going to work out.
Smart enough to know that his existence would only become a burden and a shackle for ‘him’.
— My Sun, after it all ends, let’s go drink. We’re planning to organize a feast, a festival for all. It won’t be like those stuffy parties you know. There will be wine, food, games, music and dances… My Sun, do you know how to dance? I can teach you if you don’t know.
The idiot tried not to think about ‘his’ smile when ‘he’ said that.
Even when ‘his’ face was hidden by that purple fox mask, ‘his’ lips curled up creating little dimples and ‘his’ purple crystal eyes shined brightly.
The idiot knew that ‘he’ didn’t smile like that very often.
Almost never.
The idiot recalled when he once asked ‘him’ why ‘he’ didn’t smile like that more often.
‘He’ replied:
— Because it looks silly. I don’t want to look like a little kid.
The idiot wasn’t sure if that smile was really like that.
He had never seen a child smiling, so he didn’t have a frame of reference.
Therefore, he couldn’t argue with that and just mumbled ‘It looks cute, though’.
He wasn’t sure if ‘he’ heard him, but ‘he’ smiled like this more often after that.
Bang!
He hit the table to stop himself from thinking about that.
The papers scattered under the shock wave, but he didn’t pay attention.
Soon, all that research wouldn’t matter, so why should he bother.
He slumped on the chair and hid his face in his hands.
‘Let’s not think about anything.’
He cleared his mind as ‘he’ once taught him.
In front of him, different orbs flashed with numerous symbols.
Warnings, commands, requests…
Numerous people were reaching out to him, but he ignored them all.
He could feel the chain around his heart tightening, but he ignored that too.
He was good at ignoring things. At turning his gaze away.
‘But I have no excuses… No ‘I didn’t know’, or ‘I had to do it’…’
‘He’ forgave him. ‘He’ said that it wasn’t the end. That he could turn around and do better.
The past will always be full of mistakes, but the future always holds hope for the better.
At some point, everything, even fate, can change.
‘You’re too kind…’
The idiot knew.
Even if he really could become a better person. Even if he could become that kind and warm person ‘he’ saw him as, it wouldn’t matter.
People would hate him. For the past. For what he was responsible for.
He was just a tool, but he was a tool in the shape of a person.
A person is easy to hate.
So the person will be hated.
Even if the idiot didn’t know kindness, he knew hate.
He couldn’t let ‘him’ be harmed by that hate.
As he sat there, in complete silence, waiting…
Crack.
Something snapped and suddenly that terrible pain in his heart that almost took his breath away was gone.
It was the first time in his life when he could breathe so freely.
“Ha… Hahaha…”
He laughed.
— I’ll free you. I promise.
He didn’t believe in that promise.
He didn’t believe in that promise at all.
And yet he tried to believe. He tried to believe in it as strongly as he could, because if ‘he’ could truly fulfill that promise, then it meant that ‘he’ was safe.
In his entire life, the idiot didn’t believe in anything.
Until he decided to believe in ‘him’.
Was that how those devotees of gods felt like when their gods brought them miracles?
“Haha… Hahaa… Heuk… haha..”
He laughed through his tears.
He was truly free.
And ‘he’ was safe.
Outside, beyond the window, three lights rose into the sky and chased away the darkness.
It was beautiful.
The idiot, who looked at it for a moment, closed his eyes and turned away.
He was indeed very good at turning his eyes away.
‘I can’t taint your future…’
He could feel the power he never felt before surging through his veins.
He drew upon that power and started to draw a magic circle.
No, not a magic circle.
That was something else.
More like a ritual perhaps.
‘I can’t use magic…’
‘He’ and ‘His’ siblings were good at using magic too.
If he tried to use it, it was obvious that his plan would fail.
The same was for the spiritual arts.
Therefore, he had to use something that was never seen before.
Something that could destroy him so thoroughly that not even the soul would remain.
‘Yes… getting rid of the soul is most important.’
Recalling his experiences, he gritted his teeth and completed the last step.
A magic ritual was completed.
And the fire surged from the depths of his soul, devouring his body and mind.
The world turned white.
And then even that was devoured by the blue flames.
The idiot felt every grain of his existence being erased.
One… Two… Three…
“My Sun!”
...Four… Five… Six…
“No, no. You can’t.”
Turn your ears away, don’t open your eyes.
… Seven… Eight…
“Why, why… Please stop. Please…”
Don’t.
… Nine…
Another power surged.
Tried to put out the flame.
An enormous wave of violet.
But it was futile. It turned into fog upon touching the blue flames.
“… My love… I beg you…”
Please, don’t worry.
Please, stay safe and healthy.
Please, live a happy life.
“No, no… Don’t… Please stop it…”
He opened his eyes for the last time.
The face in his vision was a blur.
But ‘He’ wasn’t wearing a mask.
“My Sun, my love…”
‘I’m sorry.’
“… Please stay with me.”
Ten.
*-*-*
Cough! Cough!
Sangria woke up trying to cough out his lungs.
He felt as if his lungs were filled with mud.
Cough!
He tried his best to suppress the sound, considering that there were people sleeping in his quarters now.
He didn’t want to disturb them.
Cough…
He finally calmed down and was able to breathe normally.
“Fuck…”
He wiped sweat from his forehead with the hem of his sleeve and looked at the table beside him in search of water.
What welcomed him was just a pile of used up coffee cups.
“… Fuck…”
Mumbling another curse, he wobbly stood up and headed towards the corner where was a wash basin.
After splashing his face with some cold water, he looked down at his reflection.
What welcomed him was close to a walking corpse.
He stared at this corpse and told it:
“You idiot. You complete idiot. Why did you do it? Why did you have to die?”
Dying for the person you love?
If you truly loved him, why did you do it to him?
Dying for someone… What an idiotism.
Sangria closed his eyes.
He couldn’t look at that face any longer.
“At least stop torturing me with love for someone already dead.”
He slumped with his back against the wall.
Beyond the window.
The sun was rising.
*~*~*