Shadows of Valderia: An Urban Fantasy Detective Noir

“You’ve set traps?” Ridley cried, waving his hands in the air.

“We were fighting a guerilla war out there!” Brookhouse said.

“You’re politicians!”

“Aye… so the fighting got dirty.”

Ridley dropped his hands to his sides and shook his head.

“What kind of hardware did you lay down?” Jimmy asked.

“Oh… just the classics really,” Brookhouse answered.

“Classics?” Nairo intoned.

“Shin Splinter?” Jimmy said.

“Aye.”

“The Jimmy Finch?” Barney asked.

“Yep.”

“Sauce and Chutney?”

“Two of them.”

“Wild Man’s Walk?”

“Aye.”

“Pot and Saucer?”

“No, we couldn’t keep the water hot enough.”

“Pianists Schism?”

“We did, and let me tell, worked a treat.”

“The Beaver Dash?”

Brookhouse raised his eyes and whistled.

“No… would have if we had a fire pit…”

“They are speaking nonsense aren’t they?” Ridley said to Nairo.

“Who are these civilians?” Brookhouse said the word like it tasted foul on his tongue.

“People who you’ve never met nor seen and will struggle to recall, sir.” Jimmy said quickly.

“Aye, discretion would be sorely appreciated,” Barney added.

“Well… I suppose we all have our little indiscretions,” Brookhouse said with a nod of deference to Barney.

“Dearly appreciated, old chum.”

“What would also be dearly appreciated is if you could tell us how to get off this floor,” Ridley said.

“Could you not just go back down the way you came?” Brookhouse said.

“We’re trying to go…” Ridley hesitated while he questioned his own sanity. “Up.”

“Oooh…”

“Are there any safe routes through?” Nairo asked him.

“Can’t say there is, Miss. We made sure of that.”

“Barney, clear that desk. Sally, bring that lamp over here. Ridley…” Jimmy barked orders as she took control of the situation.

“Boss?” Ridley responded sarcastically.

“Pour us another round.”

“Yes sir,” Ridley said with sudden enthusiasm.

“Lend a hand Phin,” Barney said as he held Brookhouse and helped him shuffle towards the desk.

Jimmy laid out the map and they all peered at it in the flickering light of the lamp.

“We’re here,” Jimmy said, pointing a finger on the map. “No… wait.” He picked the map up and rotated it. “We’re here: ninth floor.”

“That’s a marvellous piece of cartography,” Brookhouse breathed, peering at the map through his unswollen eye. “Shame it’s outdated now.”

“It is?” Jimmy said.

Brookehouse nodded and sipped at his drink.

“Shit.”

“No need for the language in front of the lady,” Brookhouse said.

“Yeah, she’s very dainty,” Ridley said. “Ouch! What was that for Sally?”

“So what’s the caper here, Barnabus?” Brookhouse asked, ignoring Nairo kicking Ridley under the desk.

“Well it’s on the hush hush, need to knows only and all that,” Barney said.

“Oh, quite right,” Brookhouse nodded.

Barney exchanged looks with Jimmy, who gave a small nod.

“Well, without too many details, our friends here have a need of assailing the fourteenth floor,” Barney explained.

“The fourteenth floor? Middle of a Lock Out? Suicide.” Brookhouse snorted derisively.

“Tell me about it,” Ridley said.

“This was your idea!” Nairo snapped.

“Maybe if you had been more persuasive then we wouldn’t have got ourselves in this mess,” Ridley retorted.

“Well…” Brookhouse rubbed the sandpaper like stubble on his chin. “The good news is, as far as I know, the Civvie Portal is still up and running.”

“It is?” Jimmy said.

“Aye, bad news is it’s on the other side of the floor, about fifty metres straight line dash.” He traced his finger from their current position to a branching point of three hallways. “Oppos have Haggard’s hall and that leaves you with the Mayburry wing which is currently being warred over by the Rabbits and the Oppos.”

“There’s no other route?” Jimmy asked.

“Well, you can take Ahab’s Hallway, but we did a number on that, booby traps all over the place.” Brookhouse pointed a bloody finger at a more serpentine hallway that snaked through the entire length of the floor.

“Great so death by Rabbits or death by a Jimmy Finch,” Ridley grumbled.

“Don’t be soft boy. Jimmy Finch will only burn ya a little, be hard to get killed by one of them.”

“Tell that to Jimmy Finch,” Barney chortled.

Brookhouse and Phineas joined in, their eyes twinkling as they shared a small measured laugh together.

“You think you could mark out where the traps are?” Jimmy asked Brookhouse after a polite pause.

“Some, not all of ‘em.”

“That’s the best shot we got I suppose,” Jimmy said.

Brookhouse fished for a pen within the depths of his coat and began marking where he could remember the traps being. While he did that the rest of them began to gather themselves.

“Think it’s best we tool up,” Jimmy said.

“Wot ho, Brooky, don’t suppose you could point a chap towards the armoury?”

Brookhouse jabbed a finger towards a cupboard on the far side of the office and went back to his markings while Jimmy hovered over his shoulder and exchanged a few short sentences here and there with Brookhouse. Barney walked over to the cupboard and threw it wide open.

“Well… that’s a touch anticlimactic,” Barney said.

Inside the cupboard was mostly bare with a few bits of beaten wood laying about and some scraps of rusty metal. Nairo joined him.

“Do you want the splintered wood or the rusty strip of metal?” she asked him.

“Ladies choice of course,” Barney said with a small bow.

Nairo laughed and patted him on the arm. After a pause she looked up at him.

“Just how dangerous will this be, Barney?”

Barney opened his mouth ready with a glib response but then he stopped.

“It’s going to get hairy, Miss Sally. But we will win the day, of that you have my word.” He said, giving her a small, reassuring smile.

“That’s good enough for me.” Nairo picked up a thick knot of wood and gave it a practice swing.

“I must say Miss Sally, you are quite remarkable, if it isn’t too bold of me to say so,” Barney said, as he picked up a shard of broken wood and gave it a few practice jabs. “I’ve never seen a woman take quite so many blows to the head before. You’re a real champion brute!”

“Thanks,” Nairo muttered, rubbing at the lumps on the back of her head.

“Of course… in a good way… the best of ways,” Barney laughed nervously. “What I mean is…”

“Don’t worry I know…”

“No, but… what I meant to say was…”

“It’s okay really…”

“Ahh yes but…”

“Barney, it’s fine.”

“It is?”

“Yes. You think I’m a big, hairy, knuckle dragging lout.”

Barney audibly gasped.

“Never, Miss Sally! Never would an Archibald-Sterling be so crass to a female!” Barney has visibly paled. “Miss Sally, I do offer my most sincerest, most humbled, most heartfelt…”

Nairo burst out laughing and punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“I’m just messing around, Barney.”

“Oh dear… oh right… haha,” Barney gave a weak laugh, massaging his chest. “Frightfully good rib, that one.”

“And hey, you’re not such a bad hand in a tough situation. I’m honoured we’re on the same side.”

“As am I, Miss Sally.” Barney beamed a pristine, ivory smile at her.

“Right, listen up gang,” Jimmy sat on the desk as they gathered, “We got about a hundred metre dash across the floor. Mr Brookhouse has been kind enough to jot down where and what traps there are…”

“To the best of my knowledge,” Brookhouse interjected.

“To the best of his knowledge,” Jimmy corrected. “We need to move quickly and without drawing attention to ourselves.”

“A full out sprint, exactly how you wanna get through a hallway full of traps.” Ridley muttered.

“That’s the spirit, Master Ridley. Swift of feet and light of heart, just the ticket!” Barney said.

“The hallway’s just round the corner from here,” Jimmy said, rolling up the map and stashing it again.

“I’ll lead the way,” Brookhouse said, heaving himself to his feet.

“No,” Jimmy said, holding up his hand.

“What do you mean no!” Brookhouse growled.

“‘Fraid your part in this adventure’s over old friend,” Barney said and he laid a hand on Brookhouse’s shoulder. “You’ve gone A and B the C of D. Party couldn’t ask more of you… and I’ll make sure it’s known you stood to the last.”

Brookhouse smiled sadly and patted Barney’s hand.

“Thank you, Barnabus.”

“Don’t mention it old lad. Phineas?”

“Yessir!”

“Get Brookhouse down to Party floors and see that he gets some medical attention,” Barney ordered and then he turned to Brookhouse. “Cheer up chum, it’s fish and chips in the canteen.”

Brookhouse gave a rueful laugh and patted Barney on the shoulder.

With barely a grunt, Cripper cleared the blockade in front of the door and the party readied up.

“Phineas, you and Mr Brookhouse go left and back down the lift. The rest of us are heading right into the foyer and then it’s a straight dip across. After that head on a swivel and pay attention!” Jimmy ordered with his hand on the door knob. “I mean it Ridley,” he warned.

Ridley smirked at him and threw a sarcastic salute. Jimmy rolled his eyes and pulled the door open. With a surreptitious flick of his head left and right, Jimmy withdrew back into the room and gave them the thumbs up.

“Good luck to you all,” Brookhouse hissed as he limped out with Phineas, who turned to look at them with resolute watery eyes.

“I must say, it has been an honour to fight besides all of…”

“Quiet boy!” Brookhouse snapped. “We don’t have time for melodrama.”

“Oh yes, of course sir, dreadfully sorry.” Phineas bowed his head.

With Brookhouse leaning on him, they shuffled out into the corridor and back to the left as quickly as they could.

They waited a few seconds with bated breath. Jimmy took a deep breath and then walked out of the room quickly followed by Barney, Nairo, Ridley, and finally Cripper bringing up the rear. They scurried down the hall in single file with their heads low and their ears pricked. The floor was quiet but not quite silent. There was a distant rumble somewhere deep within the labyrinthine hallways. They came to the foyer and bunched up together at the mouth of the round, cavernous room. Across the dimly lit foyer were three ominous arches. The doors that had once stood in them lay shattered and splintered giving the arches a ghoulish affect, like broken mouths screaming to the skies.

“We want the middle one,” Jimmy said, map in hand.

“But first we need to get across without being seen,” Ridley said.

“Gosh! Do you think there’s hidden lookouts?” Barney whispered almost gleefully, his good humour returning now they were back on the march.

“Whether there is or isn’t ain’t the point, we have to get across there,” Jimmy replied.

“Something not right,” Cripper growled from behind them.

The whole party jumped in surprise, having forgotten the silent bulk behind them.

“What’s that Cripper?” Jimmy asked.

“Something,” Cripper replied, his already tiny eyes narrowed as he surveyed the foyer in front of him.

“He’s right,” Nairo said.

“The footprints?” Ridley asked her.

“Yes. Look.” She pointed to the dusty debris laden marble floor of the foyer. “There’s no footprints in the middle of the room.”

“Well I’ll be hanged and harvested,” Barney breathed. “Look around the rim of it.”

On the outer rims of the foyer were dozens of footprints criss crossing haphazardly in both directions.

“Let me guess… it’s a trap,” Ridley said.

“Blimey good detective work!” Barney said.

“I am a professional,” Ridley said, straightening the collars of his shirt.

“Not you, I meant Cripper! Bloody good spot lad!” Barney replied. “I say… what do you suppose it is? A Ruby Mary?”

“I don’t want to find out,” Jimmy said.

Carefully, Jimmy stepped out into the foyer. He kept his eyes trained on the footprints and his back pressed against the wall. Once Jimmy had made it halfway around the room, he gave them a thumbs up and Barney followed him, tiptoeing with a swish of his morning coat. When they were both safely on the other side of the room Ridley stepped out. He shuffled nervously, unsure of where to put his feet.

“Follow the footprints!” Nairo hissed at him.

“Bit hard when two other blokes have stomped across them!” Ridley growled back at her, sweat dripping off the end of his nose. He took a few surreptitious steps. “I think I’ve got it again. Come on Sarge just follow…”

There was a small clicking sound and Ridley froze.

“Ridley?” Nairo whispered to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Do floor tiles usually click when you step on them?” Ridley said, his voice shook slightly.

Jimmy looked back into the hall and his eyes grew wide. Barney followed his gaze to the ceiling.

“Oh my…”

“Run!” Jimmy shouted at them.

Nairo didn’t have time to move. Cripper snatched her up like a small child and bounded across the foyer. He covered the floor in six massive strides. Ridley sprinted after them. There was a clunk followed by a few drops of mortar. Then the rumble started. Nairo looked up and saw the ceiling begin to crumble.

“Ridley! Run!” Nairo screamed.

Ridley was still a few steps out when the ceiling collapsed. With athleticisim born of desperation, he leapt and cleared the archway as several tonnes of brick and mortar smashed into the foyer, blocking off their exit, and swamping them with dust and debris.

Ridley bundled into them, the force of the cave in threw them from their feet into a coughing, wheezing pile of bodies.

“Ridley?” Nairo croaked, clawing dust out of her eyes. “Ridley?”

“Am I dead?” Ridley groaned.

“Not yet,” Jimmy said, sitting up and blowing dust out of his nose.

“A genuine Bloody Harry! Brookhouse wasn’t joshing when he said the place was a snake pit,” Barney said, dusting down his jacket.

“I hate you,” Ridley said, slowly pulling himself up right.

“Me?” Barney said, sounding hurt.

“Well all of you. Bloody politicians.”

“Ahh well… that’s fair enough, I suppose.” Barney extended a hand and helped Ridley to his feet.

“No going back now,” Jimmy said, looking at the rubble blocked exit. “Only forward.”

All of them turned to look down the dark hallway.

“Can’t be worse than that… can it?” Ridley asked.

None of them answered.

“Can it?”