Shadows of Valderia: An Urban Fantasy Detective Noir

When Nairo woke her world was sideways. She tried to straighten herself and found her head stuck where it was. In a moment of panic, she yanked herself back as hard as she could. There was a wet sucking noise and her head flew up, her neck cracked audibly, and her ears popped.

“Oh shit! She lives!”

“You owe me a gold piece.”

“We said a silver!”

“Waahhh…” Nairo let out a dry throaty noise as her stiff muscles and pendulous balance made her head loll uncontrollably.

“Here get this down you.” Someone plonked a tall glass of water down in front of Nairo.

She scrubbed at her eyes and then, using one hand to steady her head, she guzzled at the cold water, feeling it soothe her dry throat.

“Ahhh,” she moaned as pain shot through her crooked neck. “Where am I?” She looked around, her eyes adjusting to the beams of gloomy morning light that poured in.

“Some shithole,” Ridley said. He was sitting at the bar, hunched over a bowl of something steaming.

“Food?” Nairo said.

“Mhmmm,” Ridley grunted round a mouthful.

“Here,” Jimmy slid another steaming bow across the bar.

Nairo stumbled from the booth she made her bed for the night and propped herself up at the bar. The bowl was full of some sort of steaming… something, in thick brown gravy.

“Tacka Root,” Ridley said. “There was meat but… I think it might have woofed when it was alive.”

“Don’t…” Jimmy groaned, holding his stomach, his face tinged a sickly green.

Nairo wasn't listening. She was busy industriously ploughing through the bowl in front of her. The thick, warm gravy felt like a lover’s embrace, returning life to her poisoned carcass.

“Where are we?” Nairo asked again after downing another ice cold glass of water.

“Think we’re down Canney street, just north of the barricades,” Jimmy answered.

“How did we end up here?”

“We got kicked out of that second place after Ridley set that Troll’s foot on fire.”

“Second place?”

“Yeah… Well after that Pixie seized up and the old bill had to be called, it sort of killed the mood.”

“Wait you set a Troll’s foot on fire.”

“It was your idea!” Ridley said.

“Was it?”

“Maybe…”

Nairo groaned and rubbed at her sore head.

“I don’t remember anything after we ordered those shots of Black Bee honey.”

“That was definitely your idea.” Ridley said.

“You kept calling it Sally’s Special Sauce,” Jimmy added.

Ridley and Jimmy burst out laughing.

“Yeah… I can believe that,” Nairo muttered into her gravy.

Ridley burped loudly and lit a smoke.

“You fit for purpose, Sarge?” he asked.

“Yeah… just… need to wash my face. Where’s the facilities?”

“I wouldn’t go in there,” Jimmy warned.

“Trust him,” Ridley said ominously.

“Fine.” Nairo hopped gingerly off her stool and limped around the bar. As she came round the bar she saw a pudgy Hobgoblin sprawled out unconscious on the floor.

“Is he…”

“Sleeping. That’s Syd the owner,” Jimmy said.

“Lightweight,” Ridley grunted.

Nairo carefully stepped over the barman’s body and made her way to the ice bucket. There were a few sad lumps of ice still floating in the sea of arctic water. Nairo gripped the sides of the bucket, took a deep breath, and plunged her face in. The cold water shocked her eyes open and dispelled the drunken fog instantly. She yanked her head out of the bucket, her thick curls sending water arcing across the pub. She shook her head like a wet dog, then used her forearm to swipe her mane out of her face. She stood there gasping, soaking, and fully awake.

“You are elegant in the morning, Sarge,” Ridley said.

“Thanks,” Nairo replied with a lopsided smile.

She trudged back around the bar and stretched her neck till it popped. As she sat back down to her bowl, there was a surreptitious knock at the pub doors followed by a familiar voice

“Wot hooo! Any soul living in there!”

“He found us… excellent,” Jimmy said. He hopped over the bar and sauntered to the door. He slammed back the bolt and cracked the door. “Quick, in.”

Through the cracked door slipped a bonce full of wavy golden hair, followed by the rest of Barney. He had changed at some point in the night and was now wearing a fresh shirt with a deep mauve long coat and a beaming smile.

“Gosh! Looks like I missed quite a do!” Barney said as he looked around the half destroyed pub.

“Yeah, we had a couple.”

“I’d say!” Barney laughed. “Good thing you left such a trail in your wake. Your message was conspiratorially cryptic.”

“Message?”

Barney fished around in his jacket and pulled out a neatly folded piece of brown paper. He opened it and read:

“Barney, we’ve tied one on. Dunno where we are. Pub in Broxville. Find me in the morning. And then I can't quite make out what this is.” He held up the paper to Jimmy.

“Oh…” Jimmy seemed to blush and glance at Nairo awkwardly. “Don’t worry about that… Did yer manage to get everything.”

“Of course James! You know me, like a frog on a fly!” He strode over to the bar and beamed at Nairo and Ridley. “Wot ho, Master Ridley! You look… well and Miss Nairo you look… a picture.”

“Fanks. I like your coat,” Nairo said around a mouthful of congealing stew.

“The finest bark badger,” he said, caressing the smooth material of the coat. “Hunted it myself, but mum’s the word what with all this protected creature nonsense.” With that Barney plonked his sack on to the bar.

“Say James, a chap couldn’t get a brew, I am parched!”

“I’ll stick the kettle on. Ridley? Sally?”

“Please.”

“Black for me.”

“Syd?”

There came a grumbled response.

“I’ll leave his on the flame.”

“Oh,” Barney peered over the bar at the semi-conscious HobGoblin. “Hullo old chap! Funny place for some respite!”

A few muffled curses floated back at Barney followed by a sonorous snore. Barney grinned and turned to Nairo.

“You must invite me to the next shindig! Anytime you put a barman on his back is a good night!” Barney laughed and slapped the bar as Jimmy came back with three mugs and a pint of tea.

“Couldn't find another mug,” he said.

“There’s one here wearing purple,” Ridley muttered.

“Mauve, actually,” Barney said, pursing his lips comically to blow on his tea. He sipped and smacked his lips in appreciation. “I must say James, you make a fantastic cuppa!”

“Cheers,” Jimmy said, sipping his own tea. “How is it out there?”

“Not be a hyperbolic Harriet, but feels like the end of days,” Barney said, shivering. “Rioting up and down the city. More blockades than there are roads. The whole city’s gone to pot. Word is Goblin and Humans are clashing all along the river.”

“What about the police?” Nairo asked.

“They’ve withdrawn all forces to protect the city proper and left the boroughs to the wolves, I’m afraid.”

“There’s no way Pleasently can wriggle out of this one. He’s left the voters to the mob.” Jimmy shook his head and tutted.

“Afraid, the voters are the mob. Even old mums are wielding clubs and smashing windows.” Barney sipped noisily at his tea and smacked his lips. “I daresay, if there was a moment to strike at the heart of the serpent’s nest, then today is the day. Word’s come down, the Lockout is in full effect. There’s been warring all night as the various parties jostle for strongholds to lockdown. As of daybreak, not a message, nor a meeting, can be held until tomorrow night.”

“Good. The more chaos the better,” Jimmy said, setting down his tea. “So let’s see what you’ve got, Barn.”

“Of course, must keep both wheels on track,” Barney said. He fished around in his sack and pulled out two ugly, formless, brown overalls. “Standard dock uniforms,” he said as he slid them across the bar to Ridley and Nairo. “Apologies about the smell.”

“And the blood?” Ridley asked as he examined a dull red stain on the coarse burlap like material of his disguise.

“Ahh well… there was a disagreement of a sartorial nature.”

“Oh yeah?” Jimmy said, a grin flashing across his face.

“The chaps didn't see the beauty of one’s bare flesh so I had to demonstrate.”

“Are there two naked dockworkers waking up somewhere?” Nairo asked.

“No… don't be silly Miss Sally. They should have woken up hours ago at this point. Probably home having a lovely cuppa by now.” He sipped his tea and smiled congenially. It was only as he raised his mug did Nairo note the fresh bruises and cuts on his fist.

“Good work. And the server’s outfits?” Jimmy asked.

“Much easier. Gave old Pence a gold to slip a couple black and whites out the back of the laundrette.”

“Risky, him seeing you,” Jimmy said.

“Not to worry my old chum, had one of your little rascals from the riverfront act a middle… boy!”

“Nice.”

Jimmy pulled the simple white shirt and black trousers from the sack and slid them over the bar to Ridley and Nairo.

“I do hope I got your sizes right,” Barney said, with a genuine tone of apprehension.

Nairo held up her shirt and nodded.

“Looks about right,” she said.

“Wonderful!” Barney clapped his hands together and quaffed the remainder of his tea.

“And the favours?” Jimmy asked while absent mindedly pouring some of his own pint of tea into Barney’s empty mug.

“Timothy wasn’t best pleased to be knocked up at such a time… I had to make certain promises.” Barney exchanged a conspiratorial nod with Jimmy before continuing. “And he gave me enough guff on the price, what with the current troubles on the streets, but we were in luck, he just had a shipment in from the Mountain cities! We have the finest Firefall Rum, Turtle smoked ham, and the freshest swarm nest tobacco!” He pulled a golden bottle of amber liquid, a neatly wrapped package of meat and a comically small, gold plated, tin from the sack.

“You are an absolute gem, Barney!” Jimmy clapped him on the shoulder with a broad beaming smile on his face.

“Pshaw! Anything for a friend,” Barney said modestly.

“You’ve done wonderfully Barney, thank you so much,” Nairo agreed.

“Not bad for your lot,” Ridley added.

“Stop! You’ll make my mascara run.”

Jimmy laughed and then turned to Ridley and Nairo.

“Right, you two suit up. Put the server’s uniform on first and then the overalls on top. Barney flag us down a cab.”

“No need, the handsome’s outside waiting for us. The meter's running.”

“No time to waste then!” Jimmy said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them eagerly.

Ridley began unbuttoning his shirt while kicking off his beaten leather shoes. Nairo gathered her clothes and looked around for somewhere to change.

“Not shy are you, Sarge?” Ridley asked, with a wicked grin on his face.

“Shut up Ridley,” she snapped, her eyes falling on Jimmy who gave her a small smile.

“Oh gosh, allow me Miss Sally!” Barney bounded over to her and whipped his coat off in one fluid movement before she could say a word. He held the coat at arms length, full spread in front of her, his head turned away from her as far as humanly possible, with his eyes screwed shut.

“Really, you don't…”

“Nonsense, no problem at all,” Barney said.

Nairo shrugged and pulled off her tunic and trousers eager to get this over with as quick as possible. As she pulled the shirt over her head she could just see over Barney’s coat to Jimmy. He caught her eye and then quickly looked back at the bar he had been busily wiping down.

“Done,” she said to Barney.

He whipped his coat around and slipped himself back into it without a wasted motion.

“Allow me,” he said as he held up the burlap overalls for Nairo to step into.

With a few awkward hops and jumps she forced herself into the shapeless suit. Ridley on the other side of the room was cursing and stumbling around trying to yank his overalls over his trousers.

“Don’t worry about me, I don’t need any help,” he muttered.

“You sure? You look like you’re struggling,” Jimmy said.

“Don’t worry you just keep checking out Sally over… ahhhh!,” Ridley cried out as he tipped backwards over a fallen stool.

“Very elegant,” Nairo said as she helped him back up.

Ridley muttered darkly as she helped him pull the overalls over his shoulders.

“Thought these would help with ruse,” Barney said, handing them a pair of brown coloured workmen hats. “You look just spiffy!”

“You two brush up well as a couple of dock hands,” Jimmy agreed.

“Touch on the small side,” Barney said, stroking his chin thoughtfully with a long index finger. “But I think our subterfuge will go unnoticed.”

“Agreed,” Jimmy said. “You heard from Cripper?”

“He left a message saying everything is lined up on his side. Little Cripper will be waiting for us on Thorny Street with everything we need.”

“Ughh, that kid gives me the creeps.”

“Too right,” Barney agreed.

“We’re good to go then?” Ridley asked, itching at the uncomfortable overalls impatiently.

“Looks like it,” Jimmy said.

“Good. Guard this with your life,” Ridley said, pressing his coat into Barney’s arms.

“With my life,” Barney promised, marvelling at the weight of the coat.

“Now let's close this case,” Nairo said.

“You heard the lady,” Jimmy stood up and leaned over the bar. “Syd mate! We’re off! I’ll settle up with you next time!” he shouted.

“No tabs,” Syd moaned faintly but Jimmy was already out of the door followed by a bouncing Barney.

Ridley stopped to pour himself a quick shot of something brown.

“One for luck,” he said to Nairo.

He downed it, coughed throatily, and swaggered out behind them. Nairo tugged at the baggy overalls and gave Syd one last look.

“Thanks for the hospitality, Mr Syd.”

“You’re welcome sweetheart,” came the muttered reply.

Nairo smiled and walked out of the pub after her comrades, ready for the heist of a lifetime.