Scientific Sorcery : Beware of Kittens!

I directed the horses into the icy water, aiming for the small, uneven island formed by the fact that Glinka moved about ten meters into the village.

Fortunately, the six animals became entirely docile after receiving daily doses of witch-grass and obeyed my commands, whinnying as they entered the river.

The Sleigh sank halfway into the water and was almost dragged sideways, but the six horses proved to be stronger than Glinka's current.

As we reached the small island formed by Glinka's new path, I guided the horses to pull us onto its rocky shore. The sleigh scraped against the uneven ground, the sound grating on my nerves almost as much as the approaching howls of the Jotuns.

I climbed to the top of the Sleigh, and lit the oiled tip of the arrow of my wooden arbalest, waiting for the pair of monsters to arrive. The grey fog engulfed all of Svalbard now, thankfully avoiding the river. I didn't expect the monsters to show up so soon, one of my weapons wasn't ready yet.

Thankfully I had prepared two just in case.

Hypothesis: Jotuns are inhuman constructs, operating on very basic logic only slightly smarter than the river.

The first Jotun emerged from the fog, its form just as grotesque as before. It was a tad larger than the one we'd encountered earlier, its multiple limbs writhing as it approached the water's edge, gargantuan elk antlers looming overhead.

Behind it, I could see the shadowy outline of a second creature, equally monstrous and lanky.

In seconds, the two abominations tore right through my barrier of sideways trees, obliterating it. Having reached the pub, the first Jotun ripped the hefty oak door off its hinges and sent it flying into the forest.

The Jotun somehow folded itself, entering into the pub and howling as the second one waited outside.

So much for the safety of a pub. I swallowed as the Jotun made noises inside the pub, demolishing whatever remained inside.

In a few minutes the Jotuns left the pub, investigating the rest of Svalbard.

My heart pounded in my chest as I aimed the arbalest. The flaming arrow cast an eerie glow across the water, illuminating my pale hands.

I took a deep breath, steadying my aim.

"Come on," I muttered. "Just a little closer. Come and take a good sniff, you horny bastards."

The nearest Jotun reached the water's edge and hesitated. Its warped flesh-face scanned the river, searching for a way across. I could see the frustration in its movements, the way it paced along the shore, massive, bloody antlers twisting left and right.

Hypothesis: Jotuns don't like entering Glinka's water.

I waited with bated breath. My guess seemed to be correct as the Jotun didn't enter the water.

But, that didn't mean we were safe. These creatures were dangerous, could potentially overcome their dislike of the rushing water to snack on a witch.

I waited until the Jotun moved into position and pulled the Astralscope atop of my eyes.

"We sense your gaze, witch-she," the first Jotun howled. It ran to where I wanted it to and then stopped, sniffing the air.

Hypothesis: Jotuns absolutely love the blood of magical beings.

"Blood... The radiant-blood of the witch-she!" The Jotun bent down.

The second Jotun heard the first and immediately ran to it. It joined in on the feast, slightly shoving the first one away from its meal.

Both of them began to paw at Glinka’s megalith soaked in about a liter of Cali's blood that I had extracted earlier and kept it alive and fresh by storing it next to the preservation gem.

Hideous mouths opened on their warped palms, impossibly long fingers unfurling, twisted tongues covered in spiky protrusions emerging to lick the bloodied rock.

The Avatar of Glinka was already quite miffed by the fact that some unmentioned jerk poured an entire bucket of Arcanicx blood all over her pillar without making a trade or making a wish or whatever.

When the Jotuns began to lick her megalith with their freaky hand-tongues, she went absolutely berserk with rage.

As the Jotuns pawed and scraped the blood-soaked pillar with their increasingly lengthening tongues, the air across the entire river ignited with green and blue auroras.

The water's surface began to churn and bubble as Glinka furiously raised her hands in the air.

I ordered the horses to move away from Svalbard. The river around us began to churn, water rushing to Glinka’s megalith.

Just as the sleigh emerged on the other side of Glinka into the forest clearing in front of the cliffside, the river behind us roared with absolute rage.

I turned around to see four-meter-tall walls of water rushing from both sides of the river, rapidly forming and rising up in two massive, translucent hands. Each watery appendage was easily the size of a house, fingers made of bubbling currents and palms swirling with eddies and foam.

Glinka's avatar hovered over her harassed megalith, her form shimmering and rippling like the surface of a disturbed pond. Her face, though featureless, radiated an unmistakable fury, hair flying through the air. With a gesture that vibrated the air itself, she swung her spiritual hands in sync with her colossal liquid hands.

Time slowed, my heartbeat pumping like mad as the watery hands reached their zenith, droplets suspended in the air like glittering diamonds.

Moving with accelerated speed, I slid through the rooftop hatch into the sleigh, liquefying the witch-earth beneath me with a press of the remote in my pocket to sink ¾ of the way into its safe embrace along with the burning arrow arbalest which instantly became extinguished.

With a thunderous clap that echoed across the landscape, Glinka brought her hands together.

The Jotuns, too busy licking yummy Cali-blood, were caught between the massive palms and had no time to react. The impact was catastrophic, like the sound like a thousand thunderclaps rolled into one. Water and magic exploded outwards in all directions, a tidal wave that swept across the entire town and nearly turned over our Sleigh.

Emerging from the liquid earth, I climbed out back to the roof.

The horses seemed quite shaken, but had nowhere to run to due to the uneven cliff walls in front of them and the river behind them, the bulk of the Sleigh protecting them from the magical explosion.

I looked back, peering through the now fading mist. Where the Jotuns had stood, there was nothing but a crater filled with swirling, muddy water. The creatures had been literally smashed out of existence, their twisted forms obliterated by the sheer force of Glinka's wrath. Whatever had remained of them was likely carried North by the angry whitewater river.

The thick silver fog was gone too, the air blasted away, clean.

Glinka’s megalith was submerged halfway in her new river location, relocated three meters further into Svalbard.

The Avatar of the river looked left and right, making sure no more void-pervs were around and then sat back down onto her rock, her arms crossed. She looked fed up with the world.

Little did she know that I wasn’t anywhere done with her yet.

“Thanks, G.” I exhaled as I looked at the spirit. “I couldn't have done it without you.”

I climbed back into the sleigh and freed Cali from her watery barrel, my hands shaking from the ungodly levels of stress.

“What was that noise?” the soaked Arcanicx asked as she emerged from the barrel, shivering. I handed her a towel and went to feed the horses witch-grass and witch-water to heal whatever damage the detonation might have caused to their ears.

Somewhat dry and changed into a new dress, Cali climbed out of the sleigh.

Her face went slack at the sight of Svalbard and the ransacked pub. The village was well lit by the rings of Endalaus as the magical explosion had parted the clouds overhead.

“W-what d-did you do?” the Arcanicx demanded.

“Slapped a couple of J-s out of existence,” I said. “Uncle George is definitely not getting invited to my wedding after this.”

“W-wedding?” Cali squeaked, staring at the relocated river. “W-What wedding? W-who is ma-marrying whom?”

"Oh, you know, just planning ahead. I figure after all this excitement, I might settle down with a nice girl. She's got a huuuuge temper, but she really knows how to make a splash!"

"What?" Cali sputtered, blushing furiously, eyes wild. “Who? I don’t make… s… splashes!”

“That’s right. You missed out on all the splashing, on the account that you sat in a barrel and made bubbling noises,” I said. “Also, I don’t recall proposing to you. If anything, you proposed to me and were shot down, repeatedly. I’m talking about the river.”

“The River?”

“Yeah, I really moved her this time,” I replied with a wink. “I think that she’s falling for me! That or she’s getting really fed up with me. It’s hard to tell, since she’s got no face. Mostly I feel like this is a one-sided relationship.”

“Goldara’s tits, Ioan!” Cali snarled. “Would you stop that! How in the Abyss do you keep moving that bloody river?!”

“Magic,” I said.

“Magic?” Cali blinked at me. “Even an Arch-Sorceress would be unable to move an entire river like that! Running water is one of the most difficult mediums to work with!”

"Let's just say I set up a little unplanned meeting between my lovely river and our horny friends," I grinned, pantomiming a Jotun walking about with my fingers and then slapped my hands together. "They hit it off swimmingly. Get it? Swimmingly?”

Cali's eye began to twitch.

I started to laugh at the murderously cute faces she was making, the weight of a thousand stones gone from my chest. I laughed so hard that sparks of tears formed at the edges of my eyes.

Stormy jumped off my shoulder, rolled her eyes at me, climbed onto the roof of the Sleigh and started to lick herself.

“Okay, okay, I’m done,” I let out, trying not to stare at Cali’s bewildered and annoyed face which was making me break out into more fits of nerve-wrecked giggles. “No more dumb jokes until next Tuesday, I swear.”