Returning to No Applause, Only More of the Same

It wasn’t here. Not here, not there.

Her hands were red and cold and wet and freezing and she wanted to go home but there would be no home for her there, only men with guns who wanted to kill her and a creature that could destroy continents that wanted to kill her and everything and everyone else. Her chest ached with the cold air she had to draw in with every frantic breath. White puffs of air from her lips clouded her vision and she wished she’d brought a better jacket.

And still, it wasn’t there.

What wasn’t?

The nook! The cranny, the little hole for the little key! It just wasn’t there.

She had searched all night, ever since she released the article. By now, it had to have been spread all across the world. That organization would make sure of it. That meant that her hours were limited. No, minutes. She told her mother to only tell Kreig, but if she told any other people…

Jay shook her head violently. No! Even if an army of men with guns came to attack, she could still survive!

If only she could read those files again, she might be able to formulate a plan. There were transcriptions of the observations that the therapist had made of him. Maybe, in there, she might be able to parse some new information, some weak-spot that would make him spare her for fear of her releasing it. Or maybe she might find something else, or-, or anything!

She had read those files so many times. She knew so much of it by heart. But not everything.

She had to find it, she had to. Otherwise, this would be the end of her. And maybe it was worth it just to get the truth out there, but she still didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to die.

She didn’t want to die.

Her knees were soaking wet and so were her hands and sleeves. She had gone around the tree too many times to count. But no matter how many times she ran her cold fingers over the corners of every root and hoped and wished and prayed in her heart that the little groove would present itself to her like a ray of light in the night, it never happened.

They couldn’t have removed it. Why would they remove it? Would they really leave her for dead?

She grit her teeth. They would. Didn’t she come to that conclusion herself?

Yes, of course, but she still wanted to live!

She looked out towards the city. Countless helicopters whirled about it, their spotlights searching for something. Searching for her. But she was out here, and the only wretched creature that might come for her throat was him. He alone. Even if she had tried to escape, to leave all of this behind, it would have done her no good. He would have found her eventually. And if he somehow couldn’t, then all of this would have been in vain.

She brought her freezing cold fingers to her face and blew on them. A puff of white escaped her lips and she wondered if she might not freeze to death before he ever arrived.

But there, in the distance, she saw it. Massive wings, shining dimly in the soft light of the crescent moon. He had arrived. He came. At that speed, he would be there within minutes.

Jay staggered to her feet. She tried to control her breathing. Maybe he would just kill her right away. Maybe he would strike her down with smiting lightning, not bothering to hear her out. Or maybe he would decapitate her in one swift slash. Or he could crush her skull with the flick of a finger. Or he might summon some form of creature to do it for him. Or he could pierce her heart with a beam of light.

Jay swallowed and balled her fists. She took a trembling breath but she still couldn’t make herself feel calm. She was supposed to be calm, damn it! How could she face him like this?

He stepped down from the skies with the flap of angel’s wings, holding Erica in his arms as gently as a groom holds his bride. Even in the endless darkness of the night, to Jay, the both of them appeared to shine with a heavenly glow, like that of divine royalty arriving from heaven. For just a few seconds, Jay was breathless. Her hands trembled.

His eyes fell on her and she felt the instinctual need to cower. They were white. Like snow. Like the white wings on his back. Like the depths of the sun.

Like an exposed skull.

A strange clicking noise came to her ears but she realized it was only her teeth chattering.

Erica, her face twisted in worry, stepped towards Jay.

Jay took a step back, attempting to puff herself up with some form of pride and aggression. She had nothing to fear. It was she who held all the cards. This man-, these two, they were nothing!

But Erica… Why was she here? She read the article, didn’t she? She must have, since she was fine with being in Wiedermann’s arms. And it wasn’t as though she knew this all since before, since she would never have gotten close to him if that were the case. Then, the only possible situation was that she had read the article and accepted Wiedermann for who he was. Somehow, she had looked into the crooked and bloodied depths of Wiedermann’s soul and still accepted him.

Her chest felt so cold. It was as though black bile was about to burst out of her throat. The world swayed beneath her feet.

“Jay?” Erica asked in a voice that made Jay feel like total shit. “Is everything okay? You aren’t hurt, are you?” Erica took a gentle hold of Jay’s hand. Her hand was so warm.

Jay slapped away Erica’s hand.

Erica blinked. “Jay?”

“Shut up,” Jay bit out. Her frantic gaze hopped over to Wiedermann who stood in the back like some sort of spectre. Erica followed her gaze to him. She pointed an accusatory finger at Wiedermann. “Are you going to kill me now, huh? Is that it?” She felt a cocky grin tug at her lips even though Wiedermann seemed completely frozen. “You are, aren’t you? Maybe with that sword, or maybe you’ll just use that skill that makes stuff burn into snow. Neat skill. Have you ever tried it on a human before? A living one?”

Wiedermann didn’t make a move, his eyes widening only a millimetre. Jay grinned.

“You have, haven’t you?” Her grin broadened even though she wanted to run and hide and not die. “I bet you’ve burnt so many people you can’t even recall an example among them.”

Erica approached again, her brows pinched in worry. “Jay, what are you-,”

“Sh-, shut up! You’re not a part of this, okay? You’re just… You’re just his flame! Has he told you he’s immortal? He’s a regular grandpa, you know? In fifty years, you’ll be an old grandma and he’ll still look like this! Do you seriously want to live with a man who’ll never age? After you’re dead, he’s sure to get himself another young little sparrow to play with for the next fifty years. Is that what you want? To be replaced like a one-use tissue wipe?”

Erica’s lips pressed together into a thin white line. Jay hated to see that face on her. That face that said, I want to slap you but if I did then I’d no longer be allowed to teach. So, instead, she said, “Jay, what are you saying?”

“Well?” Jay pressed, trying her best to put confidence she didn’t have into her voice. “Would you?”

Erica turned away and frowned. But then her eyes fell on Wiedermann and she smiled softly. His eyes seemed to plead to her, but he said nothing. “Yes,” she said softly, barely above a whisper. “If it’s him, then… I wouldn’t mind it.”

Jay ground her teeth. “Is that how you want to play? Fine.”

But before she knew it, Erica’s hand had fallen on her shoulder and Jay looked up at her, unsure whether to spit in her face or cry. “Please, Jay… It’s okay. I read the article. You don’t need to say anything else.”

“I-, you…” Jay glowered at the kindly smiling face in front of her. This was wrong. This wasn’t how the script was supposed to go. She was making it all wrong.

Why did it have to be her?

In a movement fueled more so by desperation than anger, Jay shook off Erica’s gentle hold and turned her attention back on Kreig. “What did you do to her?” His confusion shone through his blank expression. “Don’t play stupid. You’ve got every skill and spell a man could ever dream of. You must have done something!”

Slowly, carefully, he shook his head. “I have done nothing.”

“Or so you say,” Jay growled. “You know what I think? I think you believe this all to be some sort of game. You’re a God-like being, for crying out loud! That story of your fatal summoning to the otherworld? Of your friends’ tragic demise? Your poor, poor life as a soldier? That’s all one big lie. And this, too! I bet you really thrive off of seeing the girl you brainwashed into loving you fight for your sake while you just stand there watching like some braindead meaty tree. Deep inside, I’m sure you’re just burning with the desire to wring my neck.”

Wiedermann took a single step towards her and she whirled on her feet to face Erica. Hysterically, she cried, “See? See? He’s going to kill me! He’s going to-,”

What met her was a face of utter contempt. Her heart sank like a stone. Erica’s face, previously so full of kindness and understanding, showed nothing but disgust. As though she was staring at a piece of roadkill. Sweat trickled down Jay’s back.

“E-, Erica?...”

A slap cracked across her face before she realized what was happening. Trembling, Jay touched her left cheek. Her wide eyes fell on Erica.

A deep frown marred her pretty face, her eyebrows pinched together in anger. Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. Jay’s mind felt blank. What was happening? Why was she looking at her like that?

“How can you say that?” Erica croaked. A tear ran down her right cheek as her frown deepened. “How can you say that about him?”

Jay’s mind ran at a hundred miles an hour, her every thought trying desperately to make sense of why Erica, the victim in this scenario, could possibly turn on her. Shouldn’t she be happy now? Now she knew how evil Wiedermann was, right? Then why did she continue defending him? Even now, he was just standing there! He wasn’t doing any-,

Their eyes met. His eyes were white. It had always seemed to Jay that he was almost blind and that there was nothing behind those white eyes. That he was only an automaton of sorts, moving stiffly in the pursuit of absolutely nothing. He barely spoke. When he spoke, it was soft, almost like a whisper. He didn’t have much to say, but what he did say came from the heart.

As Jay looked at him, she slowly came to realize something strange.

Kreig was a timid man.

Yes, that was it. He was afraid of confrontation not because he was afraid of losing, but only because he wanted to avoid hurting anyone. He was a little shy. He didn’t like to make the first move or to tell someone what to do. He was open to suggestions and he well and truly cared for his students.

In his eyes, Jay saw nothing but worry.

No malice, no anger, no frustration or indignation. Only a sense of worry for one of his students.

Because she was one of his students, wasn’t she? She couldn’t run as fast as the guys and she wasn’t as strong as them either, but she always tried her best, and when she fell, he was always there to pick her up again. In her little chest, her heart began to beat slower and slower. Her breathing grew steady. Her face felt hot. Even as she tried to interrogate him and get him to confess his stupid, evil deeds, he healed her. She could tell he used a healing spell. Not just a band-aid.

In that old, old heart of his, he had cared enough about her to use healing magic, even though he was trying to avoid notice.

Stiffly, Jay turned back to Erica. Gone was the look of contempt on her face. Instead, what Jay found was a sympathetic smile and a pair of crystal clear eyes that said everything she had never wanted to hear.

Her chest felt so tight and her legs felt so weak that she was sure she would fall. Her vision grew cloudy and her eyes felt hot even in the cold evening.

She stumbled and found herself in Erica’s warm arms. Streaks of hot tears ran down her face and she felt a burning hot shame settle deep within her gut. Just a meter away stood Kreig, his brows pinched in worry, arms clearly ready to hold her. And still, for fear of hurting her with his armour, he had relinquished her to Erica. A fresh pang of hurt gripped Jay’s chest and she felt like screaming but instead, she could only grip a hold of Erica, trying her best to pull her as tight as was possible.

“I’m sorry,” Jay gasped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-,”

A warm hand fell on her head. Gently, Erica stroked her hair. It felt good. Struck by a sudden tiredness, she pressed the side of her face into Erica’s chest. Maybe it was okay that her tears stained it wet. “Shh,” Erica cooed gently. “It’s okay. You did bad, but that doesn’t mean that you’re bad. It just means that you have to work hard to make everything better again.”

“Yes, yes,” Jay breathed through rattling lungs. “I promise I won’t do it again, I swear, never again, so please…” Tears and snot covered her face as she arched her neck to look at Erica. “Please, don’t leave me.”

Erica smiled. “We can’t have that.”

A lightning bolt of panic struck through Jay’s mind. “C-, can’t have what?”

Her smile turned into a grin. “We can’t have a journalist who doesn’t release government secrets! I mean, come on! You’re our best chance at revealing the sentient cutlery, you know? If you stop here, who’ll become an awesome journalist and prove once and for all that I’m not their queen?”

“S-, sentient cutlery?...”

A thud made Jay turn to the right, where she saw Kreig slumped on the ground, heaving a heavy sigh. Where he sat, dejected and exhausted, Jay couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy. After all, looking at him, he appeared no different than any exhausted man. Jay turned back to Erica, whose expression, too, had changed to one of concern.

Gently, Jay removed herself from Erica’s arms. She approached Kreig.

With him sitting and her standing, she was, for once, slightly taller than him. An hour ago, she would have described him as pathetic, but now no such words came to her. Instead, letting her mind remain blank, she moved to his side and sat down. The ground was wet but she didn’t think about it. Over in the city, helicopters continued swarming here and there.

She’d made a right big mess, hadn’t she?

She almost felt like laughing, but no such sound came out. A little sob fell from her lips and again the world grew blurry and bright.

A hand fell gently on her back. It was large and cold. She didn’t need to look to know whose it was. She tried to take a breath but found herself hiccuping and trembling. Drawing her knees to her chest, she fumbled for the right words to say. But no matter how she feebly grasped, there were no words to put things right. The truth was out there, and now everything was wrong. And still, somehow, Kreig could bring himself to place one solitary hand on her back. Any more and his hard armour might hurt her.

“I-, I didn’t…” she began, but a deep breath interrupted her. She glanced at Kreig.

He was smiling.

She froze in place, her mind reeling and staggering.

He turned to her, and in those white eyes of his, she saw great relief. “I’m only happy you are unhurt.”

Tears welled up again and she broke into a great sob, and without any warning to him, she threw herself at his chest, even though it was hard and even though it was cold, because in that moment, she needed nothing more than a chest to cry on, and although he was clearly flustered and uncertain, he made no effort to remove her, and so, for a longer time than felt necessary, she laid there, sobbing and wailing until her lungs were on fire again and her eyes felt cold and dry.

And there, right in his arms, lulled by the exhaustion of expecting death and the relief of forgiveness, she fell asleep.

Unsure of what else to do, Kreig and Erica brought her home, where she was greeted by her mother and too many soldiers to count. But at that point, she was still asleep, so before she could be interrogated or anything of that ilk, they let her go to sleep. She was tired, after all, and she would still be in the morning. Of course, the apartment remained under the impeccable watch of many IOCRO agents.

Later, she would face proper punishment. But for now, she would rest.