Respawn Condition: Trash Mob

“L-“ I narrow my eyes, staring at the password. “Llll-“ My tongue presses against the roof of my mouth, but I can’t say the word that is written before me. Truth is, I don’t really know how to read. But you already knew that, guy. It’s not like it’s embarrassing or anything, there aren’t many things to read down in the dungeon, you know? Everything is very implicit or plain to see. It’s an easy relationship to the world, living in your run of the mill dungeon. Ours doesn’t count, obviously. I feel like I don’t need to explain why at this point.

 

I tilt my head, leaning over sideways in hopes that the word will make more sense if I look at it from this angle.

 

“L-“

 

My ‘tongue’ presses against the back of my front teeth as I make the sound, but I don’t know the letters that come after that.

 

“Lycan?” asks the slime.

 

The door doesn’t budge.

 

“Lich!” I say, raising a finger. The door seems unimpressed however and stays where it is. I sigh. “Lock?”

 

“Lobster.”

 

“Lick?”

 

“Lala!”

 

The door doesn’t move, apparently not interested in locked lobsters licking its lala.

 

Wait. What?

 

The slime laughs and I rub my head, trying to figure out what’s going on. My eyes feel a little itchy. Blinking a few times, I look back at the door that blocks our way. It’s a massive stone gate with a face chiseled into the center. A paper note hangs beneath it, that someone must have put here on their way down. Perhaps the adventurers. I suppose they intended to go back up and leave the dungeon once they were done here. But…

 

My finger runs along the little scrap of parchment that I recognize as stemming from the inside of the wizard’s bag. What is your secret, little paper? Tell me. I lean in, smelling the paper. It tells me nothing. I lick the paper. It tells me nothing. It hides its secrets from me well. Narrowing my eyes, I stare at it in agitation. “Lobotomy?”

 

The slime takes a sharp breath and slaps her hands together, apparently having figured it out. She presses herself out of my breastplate, leaning in towards the door. “LIZARD!”

 

Nothing happens.

 

Disappointed, the slime pulls back and I spare a moment to rub her head. Good effort. “Lush?”

 

“Loot!” she says.

 

“Lazy,” I shrug.

 

“Liar!”

 

I cross my arms, tapping my foot nervously as I look around the dungeon floor. The hero-party is going to catch up with us any minute now, if not the encroacher which I seem to have lost again, for the time being. But I’m sure it’s still moving, still burrowing and worming its way through tiny gaps, pressing its filthy body into holes far too small for it. I hate the encroacher. It’s gross.

 

“Lady!” guesses the slime, holding her hands to her face in an elegant blushing pose.

 

“Loser.”

 

“Light!” she says to the door.

 

“Labor.”

 

“Liquid!” she yells, wibbling around my body, nothing happens.

 

Ugh. How many words that start with ‘L’ can there be? Fifteen? Twenty? Haven’t we said them all by now? Ah! I lean in towards the door. “Lament!”

 

Nope.

 

“Lava?” guess the slime quietly.

 

I sigh. This isn’t working. Maybe we need to change our strategy. If we can’t take the real staircase this time, then we need to find the secret staircase instead. I just hope that it’s on this side of the do-

 

The sound of metal and boots coming up from behind us comes to be heard. Shit. SHIT. He’s home early. Looking around, I quickly scuttle off to the side, clacking with my pincers as I make my crabby escape and find a place to hide. There’s a pile of rocks off to the side and I dive down behind them, pulling my knees in as I hide. Is hiding a very heroic thing to do? No. But maybe they’ll open the door for me. Besides, I think being illiterate disqualifies me from being a hero anyways.

 

Is that fair? Maybe not. But I don’t make the rules. I just work here.

 

Wrapping my arms around my knees, I hold my head down against it and sit there in the shadows, listening to the stomping become louder and louder, feeling the gentle disturbance of their steps, feeling every tiny shake of the rocks around me as they move. As they approach. As they encroach. I quietly grab my cape and cover us with it, hiding us under the blanket in the dark corner of the floor. Closing my eyes, I try to calm my thoughts. I’m a lizard, I’m a lizard. Pulling my head down tighter beneath the fabric, I am quiet, I am good. If I am quiet and good, they won’t hurt me. If I close my eyes, they won’t hurt me. Ssssssh- I lift a finger, quieting the wiggly, jiggly slime. Who is starting to vibrate with an electric hum.

 

No, no, the hum is in my head. It isn’t her, it’s me. It’s me. It’s me because I’m bad. Loud voices can be heard behind me, yelling voices that I can’t understand. They are arguing about something, loudly, angrily. It’s okay. It’s okay. If they are fighting with each other, then they won’t yell at us, we’re safe here. I pull the cape down tighter and try to stop the vibration of my shaking legs.

 

I feel my heart beating fearfully in my chest. Dook. Dook-dook. Dook. Dook-dook.

 

I don’t understand. What’s the password? What’s the word? How do I get out of here? Leisure? No, probably not. Leak? Hmm… Letdown? No. Luminous? I doubt it. Too fancy. Aaaaah, I hate this. I clutch my skull, trying my best to be quiet so that I don’t get the belt. So that we don’t get the belt. I hate this. I hate this. I hate it here. I hate the dungeon. I hate it. I hate it. I hate the hero-party, I hate humans, I hate all of it. Everything. I hate it. I just wish it would all die and go away and leave me alone.

 

Somebody says a word that I don’t understand.

 

A loud scraping sound can be heard, as the door rubs against the stones and begins to pull itself open. The sound of four pairs of boots can be heard running ahead. I sit for a moment and wait. Only when I don’t hear the sound of their boots anymore, only when I don’t hear the sound of their heavy, disgusting breathing anymore, only then do I dare to lift a corner of the blanket and peek out of the bed, to see if any monsters remain.

 

Nothing. They’re all gone. They’re all gone. Did they go on ahead because they thought I already went through?

 

Quickly I get up and scuttle towards the door, the slime taking care of the pincer clicking for me this time as we carefully look around and gaze down the hallway together, to see if the coast is clear. To see if anyone is here to catch us being bad children.

 

Sparing a final glance at the little note that is still stuck to the open door, I narrow my eyes in agitation at it and quietly hurry on, chasing after the hero-party.

 

“Luxurious?” I guess in my head, trying to figure out what it could be for next time. Assuming there is a next time.

 

“Loop?”

 

“Lo-“

 

The giant stone doors slam shut with a loud, thundering crash, sealing off the way behind us.

 

Oh well. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

 

 

---