Reroll

Ooh, those dreams.  Saying I had an enjoyable night just doesn't cover it; those two soft orbs featured heavily.

When I wake up, I feel cold, wet, and sticky… huh. Wow, been an age since I had a wet dream… but… why's my chest what's… and why are my feet cold… and… too weird.

I open my eyes, and look down… at two of the largest fleshy orbs I've ever seen… actively leaking a white fluid. They'd be lovely… but the dark brown snake scales kind of ruin the image for me.  I get up… and my roommate sits up, blinks his eyes a few times, then runs screaming out the door.

Well… unlikely anyone will be responding to him soon… given… I look down at myself again.  Yeah.  Umm.  This is just… Am I in shock?  Maybe I’m still dreaming?  I feel weird…

I try to stand, and find my legs don't work right… I look past the giant orbs on my chest, and… I have a giant snake's tail instead of feet.  A purr behind me draws my attention, and… a cat as big as I am is laying on the bed.  A young tiger, based on the stripes… wait, how do I know that?  And the cat seems to like me… and for some reason I feel really relaxed about him… why?  And how do I know he's a male named Cutter?  Yeah, this has to be a dream… I may as well explore it.

I get up out of bed and slither over to a mirror hanging on the door… okay, what did I eat to have this dream? The mirror shows me a six foot tall snake lady with dark brown scales, red hair going almost to the floor, a pair of crazy big hooters, a tiny little waist that… yes, I can wrap my hands around with room to spare… and… oh, that backside behind those very feminine hips wobbles well.  And… ah, a fold that's blooming slowly as I watch… right  because I'm getting hot and bothered. Seriously though, this makes NO sense: Why would a snake lady even have mammary glands, much less have a constant stream of milk running from them?  Seriously, this seems like the kind of thing… that would come from a random generator.

Wait… no way… I look around and… there, on the desk, a real parchment copy of the house rules document.  I read through it and… yes, random appearances. Ugh. I am going to have to have a chat with Rachel.

Largely running on autopilot in getting ready, I reach for my Handy  Haversack and slip it on, along with my +1 Vest of Resistance, get my +1 Studded Leather Armor on, slip my Travel Cloak (Magic of Faerun) on, strapping my trusty spell component pouches to my sides, and getting one of my holly and mistletoe focuses around me neck on a necklace, and help Cutter into his masterwork chain shirt barding… then sit down and pray for an hour.

And the milk never stops, it's like two faucets left just slightly on, a constant stream.

Ugh. This is either the longest dream ever, or… okay, probably not a dream. But… no, no, no panic, breathe… those meditation lessons didn't help with the nervousness around girls, but it seems to help here… after five minutes of focus.  Okay. I check my closet… yeah, no, nothing will fit.  So.  Umm… I check the phone on my nightstand… it doesn't recognize my scaled finger, but my password still works… okay, so this area has an indecent exposure law, not a nudity law. Which means I'm technically covered from a legal standpoint. I can probably sell this as a really good costume; I have bluff as a class skill, and I'm Charisma-based. It says so,right on this sheet of paper under the parchment.

I store both in my Haversack. That's what it's for, after all, and grab my phone… oh.  Right.

I call Jim, and hear a woman's voice answer, “Hi Amanda, what's up?  Wait… why'd I call you Amanda?  Caller ID clearly says you're Amanda.  Wait… that's not right… why can't I call you Amanda? It keeps coming out Amanda instead of Amanda.”

Ugh, “Relax Betty, it's because I'm Amanda.  Wait, that's not what I meant to say.  I meant to say you're Betty and I'm Amanda.  Oohkay.  Geas protocols?”

Jim pauses, “Right. As I can't say, ‘I am Betty’ or ‘You are Amanda,’ because of some weirdness… can I say, ‘I was Jim’?” He pauses, “YES!”

I try the same, “You were Jim, I was Kenneth. Progress… so the filter is very specific. We should be able to work around it… can I say ‘Call me Amanda?’ Apparently not…”

“I suppose it's useless, but I should confirm I can't say ‘Call me Betty,’ right. Okay… what about nicknames? Can you call me ‘Jay’?”

Ugh, “Okay Jay. I've always hated nicknames, but…” I shudder, “Call me ‘Kenny’ for now, please.”

“Should I get Catherine on the line?” The woman's voice on the other end of the line pauses, “You know who I mean, right?”

“Yes, you mean Catherine,” I confirm, because I can't  say the real name when referencing him in the current tense, “You can do the honors.”

I hear hold music for a few seconds, followed by another woman's voice, still groggy, “Yes Amanda and Betty? Why are you waking me up so early… wait, why did I say Amanda and Betty, I meant to say Amanda and Betty.  Why can't I…?

I interrupt, “That's why we're calling, yes. Geas Protocol. It's stopping us from using the right names for ourselves and each other in the present tense, but it doesn't seem to affect nicknames or past tense. So I can say ‘You were Ed’ or ‘I was Kenneth’, or ‘He was Jim’, but if I try to say ‘You are Catherine’ or ‘I am Amanda’ or ‘He is Betty’ then it comes out wrong. Nicknames work; call me Kenny for now…”

Jim picks up his que, “...and call me Jay until we can solve this.  What should we call you?”

Ed pauses, “But Catherine is already a nickname… can you call me Edward?”

Jim gets to it first, “We'll know in a moment Edward.”

Seems we can. Hmm… “Hey, Edward, how did you sign the parchment? I expect you have a copy nearby.”

There's a pause in the conversation, “Oh, wow, this is real parchment, isn't it?  Looks like it's signed by Kenneth, Jim, and Ed… in that order.”

“Yes, but your character sheet is on regular paper,” Jim points out.

Another pause, and Ed resumes the call, “So it is.  Okay… we have to meet up.  Self exploration can wait… although there is MUCH to explore.”

I consider, and add, “Amanda, Betty, Catherine. ABC. Coincidence?”

“More like unimaginative writing,” Jim giggles, “But we should do this in person.  Where?”

I consider, “There's a sound booth in the music building; double doors, sound insulation for editing recordings, no windows, and big enough to sit three people… barely. I… may have a bad habit of copying keys when I have the chance.”

“And you worked sound support for three months, during summer when all the dorms were doing parties,” Jim pauses, "Is there any building you don't have a key for? You know what? Nevermind. Bad habit, but we need a space, and that sounds perfect. What's the room number?”

I give it to them, and add, “Oh, and in case anyone else is having… wardrobe issues… I looked up the local law already: We have an indecent exposure law here, not a nudity one.”

I can practically hear Ed crinkling his forehead, “What’s the difference?”

Jim answers, “‘Indecent Exposure’ requires lewd behavior, ‘Nudity’ does not. So if a guy is walking down the street with just his sneakers and wallet, and that's all he's doing, then he'd be in violation of nudity laws, but not indecent exposure laws. On the other hand, if he throws a girl a wolf whistle, that could count, and he'd be in violation of both types. Oh yes, and nursing a child is SPECIFICALLY called out as being okay in the laws we have in this jurisdiction.”

I pause, “How come you know that off the top of your head?”

Ed starts to answer that, “He dated a young mother for a while….”

Jim sighs wistfully, “and she wasn't shy about it, so I figured it'd be a good idea to be sure she was safe when she pulled out those sweet hooters in public. Hmm…” he trails off.

I cringe, “I can top that….”

“Dude, no WAY you win the weirdness award today,” Jim replies, “I got that one.”

“Oh really?” I raise an eyebrow, not that anyone can see, then I think better of betting him, “Tell you what: Let's meet up in person and compare notes then.”

Jim pauses, “Okay.  Sound booth in the music hall. I'll head straight there, embarrassing as it is. See you soon.”

We make our goodbyes, and I brace myself for leaving the room, as nothing I have that will fit covers my slit….