Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 45.

“God, how do I destroy this cock in the grandest fashion imaginable so it's beyond repair?”

She took out the cock in question and I immediately started massaging my temples.

“Why... do you have that?” Wasn’t it supposed to be returned by the client that had it last?

“I found it.”

“Haaaaah. I get that you found it, but where and how did you find it?”

I woke up one morning and I found it inside me.

“Oh, it certainly would be quite startling to wake up one morning and find a severed cock of unknown origins inside you.”

“Startling? How so? I don’t want to destroy it because it was startling.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You see, I was ecstatic when I woke up and found it in me. The problem only arose after I found it.”

“Uh… okay… and what exactly was the problem that came up after you found it in you?”

“I took it out, examined it closely, and realized it never turned flaccid while I held it in my hands. It was a dream come true.”

Heeeeh. Another bitch in heat? Wait, that doesn’t make sense though, why would she want to destroy it if that was the case?

“If it was a dream come true, what makes you want to destroy it?”

“Well, I was happy because I thought I could put it to good use.”

“Are you a lesbian?”

“No.”

I blinked once, not immediately catching on. A second later, I skeptically asked, “you’re… straight?”

“Yes, of course!”

“I… see. Then the reason-”

“It’s because it goes flaccid whenever I try to peg my husband with it! The second I pull it away, it becomes rock solid again. What’s worse is anytime I go to sleep, I wake up with this dick inside me in the morning. It’s clearly just making a mockery of me! Just what the hell is with this freaking dick? Is it self aware? How does it know it’s about to be rammed deep down a man’s asshole? How does it differentiate between the two? Does it have an eye inside the shaft? Well, God! HOW!”

“Uh, how about this? I can dispose of it for you if you’d like.”

“No way, I want to destroy it with my own hands.”

Well, I guess I can just make her think it’s been destroyed. There’s really no way to permanently destroy it as it belongs to a god after all. A god’s dick is not to be underestimated.

“Then, the method to destroy it would be to launch it out into space toward the center of the galaxy where a black hole exists. Once it enters the event horizon it will be ripped to pieces until not a single particle remains. Black holes are effectively the universe’s garbage can after all.”

“A black hole? Why didn’t I think of that? That’s genius!” She slapped her forehead for having not thought of the idea herself.

“God I’ll begin preparations immediately. I’ll have our country’s entire space program dedicate all resources to eliminating this foul cock from the face of not only the planet but the universe as well. This cock must feel the pain of what not being able to peg my husband with it feels like to me!”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever you say.” Sorry, but it’s a god’s cock. It won’t be permanently destroyed even if you toss it into a black hole. Though it will probably still hurt like hell.

When I thought about the pain of having one’s cock forcibly stretched out like spaghetti into the singularity, a shiver ran down my back. As for where this cock ended up after that, only God knows. Literally. 

He’ll have to spend quite a bit of time tracking down the world it lands in. Probably an entire day. What a pain. If I had to go out hunting down my lost cock for an entire day I’d probably cry. Especially after rolling around on the ground in pain when it was being sucked into the black hole.

As for trying to retrieve it while it’s in the black hole, that’d be impossible. Not because we didn’t have a method to enter the black hole, but because he’d be immobilized from the pain while his dick was being sucked in.

Ugh. I suddenly personified the black hole as Black Hole-chan in my head. Wait, I didn’t consider the possibility that he’s a masochist. What if he enjoys it and gets off to it? What if I awaken some sort of weird fetish in him through this? Have any gods actually stuck their dick in a black hole before? No, stop. I don’t know of any such degenerate gods. I’d like to keep it that way.

Maybe I should suggest another method to get rid of it. I’d entered deep thought as I mulled over everything and when I looked back up from my desk, I realized my client was nowhere to be found.

Fuck.