Reincarnated as the God of Shitty Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus

Consultation 12.

“God, how can I get enough blood from my boyfriend to fill my bath and keep him alive at the same time?”

Haaaaah. The psycho chick with the simp boyfriend was back.

I squinted my eyes and let out a sigh. It was best to just answer quickly to get her out of here faster.

“Did you start ignoring him like I said before?”

“Oh? That guy? I followed your advice and things worked out well with him. I already killed him when he gave me the best look of despair ever. The boyfriend I’m talking about this time is a new one. I want him to see his look of dread as I bathe in his blood while he’s still alive. I intend to handcuff him and tie him down to the toilet before I eventually kill him.”

I didn’t think it was possible for my faith in humanity to drop anymore, but somehow this chick found a way to do the impossible.

With listless eyes, I spit out the first solution that came to mind. “Honestly, the request is impossible if you want it done all in one go with blood made purely by his body. However, if you wanted to transfuse blood into his body on one side then drain blood out the other, if you counted blood that circulated in his body as being his then it’s possible to accomplish quickly.”

“No way, it needs to be blood made by his body or the artistic image I’m aiming to perfect will feel like a shoddy cheap imitation.”

”In that case, you will need to take a more drawn-out approach. Every night when your boyfriend goes to sleep you will prepare a cup of tea for him. You will drug him. Dissolve tablets of morphine in his drink to ensure he’s out like a log. Also, be sure to slip an iron supplement into the food he eats during the day as it is a limiting factor in blood production. When he’s asleep, you can inject a shot of Epoetin alfa on a weekly basis, this will help stimulate bone marrow to increase red blood cell production.” 

“Overall, this should speed up the process significantly and allow you to extract more blood on average in greater frequencies. Of course, you can draw blood from him while he’s out cold from morphine at night without him ever realizing a thing. Once you’ve collected the blood, store it away in blood packs, and keep it in a refrigerator. If you do this on a daily basis, it shouldn’t take too long before you can achieve your objective.”

“The human body, on a daily basis can produce anywhere between 400 milliliters to 2 liters of blood. With the additives we are putting into the equation, we can maximize production. However, we’ll go with an assumption of the worst case being about on average you harvesting 1 liter a day.”

“Now, a typical bathtub can hold a maximum of 180 liters. However, it is senseless to fill it all the way up. When you enter it, the waterline rises. Thus, most people will only fill it up about halfway. Therefore, set your sights on collecting 100 liters altogether. Once you achieve that amount, you will have accomplished your objective. If we assume our worst case expectations, then it will take you 100 days. If you are able to get the full 2 liters out of him daily, it would only be 50 days.”

“The problem that arises with this 50 to 100 day time frame is that blood has a shelf life of about six weeks, in other words, 42 days. Thus, what you can do is label the blood packs with the dates you drew the blood from him. When you finally have enough, you will first empty the older ones out into the tub so it remains on the bottom. You can dump the freshest samples last. What the blood looks like on the bottom of the tub isn’t particularly important. You’ll only see the surface after all.”

“There, are you content now?”

“Hmmm, I was hoping for a method that wouldn’t take so long, but after all is said and done, there is no rushing art. Thank you God for your guidance. But I’m honestly surprised how detailed your plan is. It’s almost like you’ve done it before. Could it be you’re a comrade in ar-”

“No, you freak. I have absolutely not done it before. I’m just God. I can answer any problem you have no matter what it may be. Now scram.”

“Hahaha. Then, I’ll take my leave.” She skipped off jubilantly on her way out while humming a merry tune to herself.