Reincarnated as an AXE!

“You know he’s going to kill you, right?” Keith asked as he rummaged through the refrigerator in Libby’s apartment.

“Shut up! I’m dealing with this, and I don’t need any of your negative input!” Libby said from her desk, as her fingertips raced deftly across the keys of her computer. “And don’t touch my food.”

“I’m eating your food, bitch. Life is hard,” Keith said nonchalantly as he pulled out a Tupperware container of salad. He opened the lid, took a bite, and immediately spat it out onto the floor. “Goddamn, can’t you even put a little hardboiled egg on this stuff? You live like an animal.”

“I respect animals, Keith. I love animals. That’s why I choose to eat cruelty-free products and refuse to consume dairy or meat.”

“Ah, that explains it. I assumed you were so pale because you were a sunlight deprived shut in. Now I know it’s also because you’re anemic.”

“Fuck you, you’re not real.”

“Fuck you, you’re talking to me anyway.”

LIBBY! LIBBY! HEY, LIIIIIIIIBBY! Come out, come out, whereeeeeeeeeever you aaaaaaaare!

“So, like I was saying, he is definitely going to kill you,” Keith continued. “Now listen, kid, you’ve got some options here. This is a nice gas oven you’ve conjured up! You can just turn it on without igniting the pilot light, put your head inside and just go to sleep. You won’t even notice the smell after a minute or two.”

“Shut up,” Libby muttered.

“Not a fan of gassing yourself? I see some nice cutlery over here! Just grab a knife, run yourself a nice bath and play north and south with your brachial artery. If you put some icy hot on your arm first, you won’t even feel a thing. Oh, and the water will feel so nice.”

“Would you please stop being so disgusting?” Libby asked.

“See, the problem with women is that most of them never experience the joy of pissing on their feet in the shower. That’s what bleeding out feels like. Pissing on your foot! Your body heat makes it feel so pleasant! It really wakes you up fast on a cold winter’s morning.”

“Not helpful. Not helpful in the slightest, psycho,” said Libby.

“Then again, I guess it’s a fair tradeoff, since women will also never know the existential horror that men feel whenever we take a huge shit that splashes toilet water on our testicles when it drops—

“Security! Restrain him!” Libby yelled.

Two metallic orbs materialized out of thin air and fired coiling ropes at Keith, which quickly wrapped themselves around his body, immobilizing him completely.

He fell backwards with a loud thud.

“Oh, like I care, Libby! I like staring at ceilings anyway! Preferably from a woman’s bed, but this is fine too. You really need a Swiffer, by the way. You’ve got cobwebs everywhere.”

“Keith, why are you materializing in my imaginary world? You’re not supposed to be able to exist outside of the astral realm! It’s really fucking annoying!”

“Uh, Libby? Where do you think a liberomnus gains all the information it requires?” Keith asked her. “There aren’t any fiber optic cables around here, y’know. Your brain is plugged directly into the astral realm, stupid! That means I can come visit if I feel like it. And man, today’s going to be a good show.”

“How do you figure?” Libby asked archly.

“Well, it’s not every day you get to see a guy murder a part of himself! You really got ‘ol Max fuming, didn't you? Like strangling a mouthy hooker, fuming.”

“And I suppose you’d know all about that, hmm?”

“Well, I am a veteran with over one hundred-fifty hours served in Grand Theft Auto V. I’ve strangled a lot of hookers, Libby.”

“That’s not even an option in the game, Keith.”

“I designed a mod!” he protested.

“Oh, I can’t deal with this right now,” Libby said tiredly. “Keith, just lay there and be dead again, please? We, the living, have problems of our own.”

“Righty-o! Not that you’re going to be living for much longer, anyway. Hey, have you noticed what you’re doing by the way?”

“No, Keith. What have I been doing?”

“You’re speaking to me like I’m a separate person from Max. But earlier you blamed him for everything that I did with Aestas! That's a pretty confusing signal you’re giving out. Maybe you should pick a position and stick with it, huh?”

“You are Max, Keith!” Libby snapped, as she spun around in her chair to point an accusing finger at him. “You are him and he is you! You’re just lying to yourselves—

“Self,” interrupted Keith.

“Huh?”

“Self,” Keith repeated. “If you genuinely believed we were the same person, you would have said you’re just lying to yourself! Instead, you said, you’re just lying to yourselves! Like you agree that we aren’t the same guy at all.

He grinned wickedly before continuing.

"It’s little slips like that, that reveal what your true opinions are, kiddo.”

Libby said nothing for several long moments. Then she turned her chair around and resumed typing away on her keyboard.

Uh, Libby? Hey, I know I came down here with a head full of steam and everything, but do you think you could give me a hint to your location? Just a small one! This place is big!

Libby leaned over to her microphone and tapped a key before speaking. “Not going to happen, Max! Just get out of here!”

No! We need to TALK, Libby! You said some things, some very, VERY hurtful things, and I want to see if you have the courage to say them again to my FACE!

Keith burst out laughing. “Ohhhhh, shit, he’s going to mince you up!”

“Keith, would you please just shut your goddamned mouth?” Libby asked in frustration.

Keith? WHAT? Is Keith there? Libby, are you hanging out with KEITH?

“Hey, Max! What’s up, bro?” Keith called out.

Fuck you, Keith! Hey, great job blowing up that fancy kingdom or whatever, Ass-balls! Total dick move!

“Was it a dick move or was I just swingin’ around my dick?” Keith asked innocently. "I can't help where it lands!"

Aestas tried to have me killed! I’ll probably never get to hang out in her room ever again!

“I did you a favor, man. If that bitch had been any more vanilla, you could have mixed her into a cake batter.”

That’s sexist as fuck, dude! I dislike gendered insults!

“So, then it wouldn’t count if I called you a pussy, right?”

Eat shit, Keith!

“Fuck you, I’ll use your mouth to do it!”

This is who you like to hang out with, Libby?

“You’re damn right, she does! I’m in her apartment right now and she’s got me all tied up! We’s ‘bout to get freaky in this mug,” crowed Keith.

Don’t do it, Libby! He’s a user!

“She’s a grown-ass woman, Max! Let her make her own mistakes!”

I’ll never let her fall into your clutches!

“This is why no one respects male feminists, dude.”

Fuck you! I’M AN ALLY!

Libby finally cut the line

“I really do think he’s going to kill you, kid,” Keith said amicably. “Can I have your stuff when you’re dead? I promise not to do anything weird in your bedroom. I just want to know if it smells like you.”

“Keith. Why are you like this?” Libby asked as she rubbed her eyes, now more tired than ever.

“Oh, that’s a difficult question to answer, girl. Hey, have you ever heard the parable of the scorpion and the frog?” Keith asked.

“I’m sure I have, but why don’t you refresh my memory?” replied Libby dryly.

“Okay! I will.”

__

The Scorpion and The Frog.

One fine spring evening, a scorpion showed up and decided he wanted to get to the other side of a lake or a stream, or you know, some large body of water or whatever.

The police had been wanting to ask him a few questions about some bodies that turned up near the interstate where he’d been doing some hitchhiking, but the scorpion bowed to no earthly authority! So, while they had been looking for him, he’d kept doing his own thing; just keeping on with his keeping on, right?

But night was swiftly approaching, and the pigs were getting close! Too bad the other shore was too far out for him to swim to. Luckily, he then spotted a sleeping frog, and had a great idea!

See, this frog was a good girl, but boy did she like to party! She'd gotten a little wasted earlier in the day and passed out on the beach, not realizing that her friends would leave her there by herself.

They weren't worried about her, though. See, they all lived in a safe, friendly community. It was the kind of place where you could feel good about raising your kids and you never had to lock the doors at night.

Nothing bad could ever happen here.

Or so they all thought.

The scorpion slowly crept over to the frog, until he stood inches away from her. Then, he woke her up by slowly caressing her cheek with his pincer.

"Huh? Hello?" The frog asked blearily as she awoke. Then, she saw the scorpion and froze in fear.

“Hey, you. Hey," the scorpion said quietly. "I want to get over to the other side of this water, yeah? I thought about floating on a leaf, but when I saw you over here, passed out, I had some thoughts. Let me use you instead, okay? You excite me.”

The frog was frightened, but the scorpion was too close for her to attempt an escape. She tried to lie and say her back leg was too weak for swimming. Then she said her family was going to come looking for her soon, and she really had to get going, but the scorpion wouldn’t listen to any of her excuses.

“Give it up,” he said. “This is happening! No, is a word that darkens my mood. Helter Skelter, baby!”

When they were halfway across the water, the scorpion crawled over to the frog’s ear and whispered, “I can feel your heart beating through your skin. It’s driving me craaaaazy. I don’t want to this, I don’t want to do this, I swear to God I don’t want to this, but I have to.”

“Please don’t,” whimpered the terrified frog.

“I can’t let you gooooo, baby. I hope you realize you’ve brought this on yourself,” the scorpion replied. “You’re just too fine!”

The frog said, “No, no, someone save me! Please! I have tadpoles waiting for me at home!”

But the scorpion was lost in his fantasy and wouldn’t relent. “Do you believe in Jeeeeesus?” he asked.

“Fuck you,” the frog sobbed in a failing attempt to sound brave.

“You first, baby,” the scorpion said as he stung the frog’s eye. “You first!”

“You’ll die too!” the frog moaned as they began to sink into the cold, dark water. “I’ll wake up in paradise, but you’ll be cast into eternal damnation!”

“Like I give a shit!” the scorpion happily screamed. “All the good musicians are burning in Hell anyway! DIO TAKE ME HOME!”

And so, they both were submerged. The next morning, the frog’s bloated corpse washed up on shore.

But they never found the scorpion’s body. Had he escaped? Was he once more wandering the highways of this troubled land, looking for his next ride to nowhere? Or was he now in hell where he belonged, rocking it out to Holy Diver?

We’ll never know.

Oh, but the frog didn’t go to paradise when she died, because all religion is self-deceit. Live your life to the fullest kids!

The end.

__

Libby cleared her throat and then said: “You said it was a parable.”

“It was!” Keith replied.

“Parables have a point, you moron!” Libby spat out disgustedly. “You’re supposed to learn a life lesson from them!”

“The frog sure learned her lesson!”

“Oh, go fuck yourself, Keith,” Libby groaned.

“Aww, you’re no fun today,” Keith said with a chuckle.

“You really are an absolute piece of shit,” Libby hissed with genuine hatred.

“Oh, like I care what you think,” Keith said with a frown. “I’m leaving! You’re way too stifling to be around.”

“You were never invited here to begin with!” Libby yelled.

“Someone is literally choosing nonexistence over being in your presence, Lib! Think about where your choices have brought you in life!” Keith yelled before fading away.

“I hate that guy so much,” Libby muttered to herself.

“He is such a fucking asshole,” Max agreed.

“When I hear his voice, I want to clean my ear canals with a Q-tip wrapped in steel wool,” Libby said.

“If hatred were chicken wings, I’d get my daily allotment of protein just by seeing his fucking face,” Max said.

“If I were trapped in an elevator with Keith, Hitler, and Stalin, and I only had a gun with two bullets in it, I’d make Keith strangle the other two at gunpoint and then shoot his balls twice,” Libby growled.

“He sucks,” Max stated.

“He sucks,” Libby agreed.

“Oh, found you by the way, Libby,” Max said.

“Oh, shit,” Libby said.