Reincarnated as an AXE!

4. Do no Harm.

The minotaur roared aggressively and brought his club down in a vicious forward swing that would have crushed the armored warrior into paste if not for his shield and incredible physical strength. In return, the warrior gave a battle shout of his own and thrust his sword forward, stabbing the monster in his chest and causing it to cry out in pain.

“Get behind it, Ladelle!” Keith the warrior (no relation) shouted to the red-robed girl who stood beside him. “You can’t face him together with me like this! You have to attack from range so I can keep his attention focused on me!”

“Shut up, idiot!” Ladelle said sharply in reply. “I’m the one who hired you, so don’t tell me how to perform my role!”

“This is a dungeon, Ladelle! If you can’t follow orders, you’re a liability that’ll get you or someone else hurt!” warned Keith, as he ran clockwise, attempting to face the Minotaur away from the mage so that its attacks wouldn’t reach her.

Oh, boy! Ladelle didn’t like that at all! She was a pretty little thing with short, stylishly cut platinum hair, and a pair of gold rimmed glasses over her pert nose. It was a good look for her, I really dug it! Too bad she was one of those stereotypes you can’t help but come across in a fantasy world like this. A cocky noble who looked down on others due to their lower birth.

Even worse, she was a fire mage! In gaming terminology, Ladelle was the kind of clueless ranged attacker who ruined pick up games by trying to make the group’s tank go faster to suit her pace, even though she wasn’t strong enough to kill enemies quickly. For a professional defender like Keith (no relation), she was a nightmare! I wondered if he and his companions regretted accepting her as a client?

“I SAID stop telling me what to do!” Ladelle said. “Watch this! Behold magic so profound, a mere mercenary like you should consider himself blessed to bear witness to it! Oh, light of the sun, shine upon me with resplendent glory! Bring victory to my cause and ruin to my foe![Nova Lance] level 4!”

A beam of golden light shot forth from her hand and speared through the minotaur, killing it instantly! Which would normally be great and a thing worth celebrating, but the problem was that a level four spell like that was so powerful, that after punching through the minotaur, it kept on shooting forward and hit the next group of monsters further down the corridor, killing a hapless little goblin and alerting the rest of them to danger.

Uh oh! Now we had two fresh minotaurs to deal with, as well as two angry looking hobgoblins who looked like they wanted to avenge their friend. Keith’s eyes widened in despair, while Ladelle began jumping for joy at her success.

Oh, did I mention that Ladelle was one of those mages who also couldn’t control her threat? Hell, she didn’t even bother trying! “See what I can do? I told you I could take care of him!” she said smugly to Keith, not yet aware of the bloodthirsty group of monsters racing straight for her, intent on introducing her to group dynamics that she probably wouldn’t enjoy.

Heh, I liked this kid. She was a riot!

__

Hey, guys! What’s cracking? Max is doing a dungeon! Wooooo! Isn’t that cool? It is, isn’t it?

Yes, a dungeon crawl! The primary passion of any young man’s romantic (in the chivalric sense of the word) pursuit in a new and magical world, had to be the conquest of a dungeon! A deadly labyrinth filled with traps and dangerous monsters that could only be overcome by teamwork and comradery! Oh, the tears of joy and the cries of frustration we’d share, as we gradually made our way to the climax of this foreboding place, the Dungeon Lord’s lair!

Once there, our skills and commitment to each other would be put to the ultimate test as we challenged the boss to mortal combat for the right to claim the treasures of this dire realm! Oh, the wonderous elation we’d feel upon surviving our campaign! The unmatchable feeling of knowing we were not only winners, but friends!

“Ladelle, you stupid noble bitch, I swear if we live through this, I’m going to break your jaw!” shouted Jera the ranger, as she knocked an arrow and sent it flying at one of the two new minotaurs, where it embedded itself harmlessly in its thick hide. “Damn it,” she swore, before reaching for another arrow.

Okay, so maybe not so much with the friends part?

“Girl fight! I want front row seats!” laughed Jaxon the thief, as he danced between the hobgoblins and lashed out with his poisoned daggers. Like me, Jaxon didn’t take any of this stuff too seriously and seemed primarily to be along for the ride.

Of course, he had the mid-tier stealth ability, [Cloak of Shadows] that allowed him to disappear from view at will, without even leaving a scent that animals could follow. So out of all of them, he had the highest chance of surviving whatever nonsense Ladelle’s incompetence could spring upon the group.

Confidence is nice.

“Oh, go disarm a trap, you obnoxious pervert!” seethed Jera. She turned her attention from the minotaurs to the hobgoblins and managed to put an arrow through one of their eyes. “Yes!” she cheered before screaming in pain when the enraged minotaur she’d attacked earlier charged at her and gored her into a wall.

“Shit!” Keith (no relation) swore, before bellowing his [Challenging Cry] and drawing the attention of all four monsters on himself. “[Adamantine Defense]! Guys, I’m indestructible for the next twelve seconds, you’d better do something or we’re all dead!” he declared.

“Just kill them all! By the gods, you’re all so incompetent!” Ladelle complained.

“If I die, make sure she follows after me, please!” Jera groaned from the floor.”

“Hahaha! Jeez, it might be time to take off…” Jaxon said as he began gradually backing away from the melee.

“Daniel! Daniel, please, is there anything you can do?” Keith called out.

“Yeah, Daniel, do something! You’ve got a trick or two hidden up your sleeves, right?” Jaxon asked.

Uh, who were these guys talking to? I looked around the massive dungeon corridor, but saw no one else with us.

“DANIEL!” Ladelle yelled. “Pay attention to us, you idiot!”

Wait, had she really just called me an idiot? Y’know, as amusing as I found her, I wasn’t willing to put up with anyone’s personal abuse. I was about to show Ladelle just how big the mistake she’d made was when the realization of who they meant suddenly dawned on me.

“Oh, I’m Daniel! Jeez, sorry gang! Aliases get so hard to keep track off!” I apologized sheepishly.

“Four seconds left!” Keith (no relation) shouted. His normally calm voice was starting to sound just a tiny bit strained with fear. Not that I could blame him.

“If we die, it’s all your fault!” Ladelle shouted at me.

“Huh. Well, I guess we shouldn’t die then,” I said to her.

I turned towards the enemies and gestured towards them dramatically. “[Dominate Minion] x five,” I said to them. I felt a nice little sensation like glass bulbs breaking on a sidewalk, when I felt their mental resistances shatter before my will. Their faces slackened and their shoulders drooped in unison as I seized control of their minds.

[Dominate Minion] was one of my favorite skills. It was supposed to only allow me to completely control servants and pets, but thanks to my [Divinity] trait, I could use it outside of its intended purpose. [Divinity] also gave me massive bonuses when I used my skills against mortal beings, which was pretty much everyone in the world who wasn’t a god, which, I technically was. A baby god, anyway.

As a result, even though I was technically the weakest member of the party, being level twenty-one while everyone else was between levels twenty-four and twenty-five, and the monsters themselves ranged from twenty-seven to thirty, I didn’t fear anything in this place. Honestly, I could have cleared it out by myself, but being around these guys and watching them bicker and tear each other down, was way too entertaining!

“All righty, guys,” I said happily to my new group of mind-controlled monsters. “Kill each other, then kill yourselves.”

At once, the monsters went at it, attacking each other furiously and with wild abandon. The Hobgoblins managed to bring one minotaur down by severing the tendons in its legs and then swarming it, but that gave the other minotaur opportunities to stomp them all into bloody mush as they were frenziedly stabbing their prone victim.

Once they were dealt with, he gripped the head of his dying friend and then ripped it clean off his neck with one titanic heave. After that awesome display, he began stabbing himself in the throat with the decapitated minotaur’s horns until he collapsed and bled out.

“Ha! Wild show, right?” I said gleefully to Jaxon.

“Uh, sure. Better them than us, I ‘spose,” Jaxon said with a shrug.

“Daniel! Stay focused, Jera’s still hurt,” Keith (no relation) said to me as he knelt beside the injured ranger.

“Uh, so what?” I replied.

“Stop messing around, you’re the healer!” admonished Keith.

Oh, that’s right. I was supposed to be the healer. Whoops! Aliases, lies, exaggerations, man it could be tough keeping track of things. I usually didn’t bother. I was glad my party members were doing that for me.

__

I know what you’re thinking, by the way. Me? Max? A healer. Say wuuuuuut?

Hey, I’ll have you know that I can do anything I put my mind to! And even though I would have excelled in any team role I chose to perform, the undeniable fact was that adventurers who could mend their companions were rare and quite valued. It made it much easier for me to find parties in this new gig, by playing sawbones. Besides, there was an important aspect of being a healer that appealed to my unique sensibilities.

Healers decided who lived or died.

I’m sure you can see why I enjoyed doing it.

__

Jera groaned in pain, as I knelt beside her and examined her wounded shoulder. That minotaur had left her with quite the injury! His horn had punched straight through to her back. If I wanted, I could have fit three fingers inside of her. Inside her wound, that was.

Don’t be a pervert.

“Can you do anything for her?” Keith asked nervously. Hmmm. It seemed he was a little soft on the girl. Heh heh, young love.

“Yeah, sure, of course. Because I’m a healer. We’re totally great at this sort of thing. Healing, that is,” I said assuredly.

Truthfully, I considered myself more of an un-healer. It was far easier taking people apart than it was putting them back together. (More satisfying too.) It’s interesting to think about; In dungeons, in order to proceed with the utmost efficiency, you had to heal people quickly. It didn’t matter how devastating their injuries were, you had to get them on their feet as soon as possible, or the group would be in danger.

Whereas with murder, it was so much better to take your sweet time and go slowly. You could miss out on so much pleasure if you were in a rush. The feelings involved, the sensations, the quiet, desperate intimacy, that was something best experienced at a leisurely pace.

The only thing these two approaches to life had in common was that you had to be an absolute sadist to take enjoyment in either task.

Luckily for Jera, sadism was something I had in spades.

“Heeeey, Jera,” I whispered to her ear while softly brushing back her hair. “Don’t hate me please, but this is going to hurt so badly. It’s for your own good though, okay? You can scream if you’d like. I won’t think less of you.”

After saying that, I next plunged my hand into her chest and seized her heart.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” bellowed Keith. Even Ladelle was struck dumb by the sight of what I’d done. Jaxon didn’t say anything, but his eyes were wide. Loudest of all though, was Jera, as she screeched like an owlet caught up in a fishing line. I didn’t hold her reaction against her in the slightest. After all, some psycho was holding her heart!

“Relaaaax everyone, this is all part of the process,” I said to them calmly. “The techniques of my school of healing require that I transform negative energy into a positive wave of recovery. In other words, the more pain she feels, the more easily I can mend her wounds.”

“I’ve never heard of magic like that!” Ladelle said doubtfully.

“You’re young, mistress. There’s much in the world you’ve yet to see,” I responded sagely.

I was completely bullshitting them, of course. I was holding Jera’s heart, because feeling it pumping and squirming in my grasp was so weird! Honestly, the closest I can come to describing the sensation was that it felt like holding a fat toad. Have you ever caught a toad before? I loved doing that when I was a kid! Me and my brother would do it for hours, it was so fun—

Wait, what? Me and my who?

“AHHHHHHHHH!!” screamed Jera, as tears of pain poured from her closed eyes.

Jeez, that was rude! She totally derailed my train of thought. What had I just been thinking of? Nuts, it was gone! Thanks so much, Jera! Jera the drama queen! You can’t even handle a little playfully grievous injury on the road to recovery, can you? You call yourself an adventurer? What a wimp! What had I ever done to deserve such poor treatment from you?

And now everyone else was starting to look at me with anger and suspicion. Ugh, it was time to end this little production.

My mood now slightly soured, I used [Rooting] to inject some of my blood into Jera’s body. Then, I used [Dominate Minion] to force my blood cells to activate [Troll Regeneration], which began healing all of her injuries immediately. Her shoulder wound was closed in an instant, as was her chest wound once I removed my hand. I even used [Rooting] to micro-bind the tears in her clothing.

The blood that now coated my hand was the only evidence that anything had ever happened to the ranger. I stared at it, transfixed and satisfied. Blood looks so beautiful no matter where you see it. It’s gorgeous under bright sunlight, mesmerizing under the light of the moon, but even in the murky lighting of this torchlit corridor, it delighted me.

I really wanted to rub my hand over my face while Jera’s blood was still warm, but that wouldn’t be a good idea. My party members would only put up with my antics to a certain extent. Besides, if I indulged too much in playing, I might lose control of myself and kill them all.

I didn’t want to do that. They were too much fun to be around!

So, instead of doing that, I poured a little water on my hand and cleaned it with a cloth. “All better, ranger! How do you feel?”

“How do I feel?” Jera asked in a hostile tone of voice. “I feel like kicking your ass all the way to the next continent, you bastard—huh?” she said as the effects of the troll blood kicked in. Trolls were amazing, hardy creatures. Not only could they heal from practically any injury, but their blood was loaded with endorphins that made them impervious to pain as well.

The troll blood my body generated had been taken from a Forest Lord, a rare elite boss I’d slain all the way back in chapter four of the previous book in the series.

(Look at me being meta!)

Basically, that meant Jera was now loaded up on the good shit.

Her cheeks flushed with enjoyment when I suddenly slapped her face, as her body automatically transformed what she felt from pain into pleasure. The unexpected sensation left her feeling confused, which I found hilarious.

“Hey!” Keith yelled angrily. He took a step towards me before stopping when Jera held up a hand to let me explain myself.

“What did you do to me?” she asked in confusion.

“Think of it as a buff,” I informed her. “You’re now twice as strong and fast as you were, and any injury you receive for the next few hours will heal right away. Best of all, you can’t feel any pain! That’s the sort of incredible service you can’t get from any silly temple cleric.”

“And this last for hours?” She asked me in wonder.

“Yeppers!” I said perkily.

That was another lie, of course. I’d basically mutated her body on the cellular level, but once we were done here, I’d deactivate the troll blood I’d infused her with. I couldn’t have people running around claiming I was permanently empowering them. That’d draw the attention of actual healers, who could only give temporary buffs.

That was the sort of attention that I didn’t need. Those jealous clerics would definitely snitch on me to their patron gods, who in turn would realize what I was and then come after me personally.

I may have been getting stronger every day, but I was still nowhere near ready for a divine duel. My leveling stats didn’t matter much against earthly beings, but they were VERY much a factor in a godly confrontation. A senior god with a higher level than mine would swat me like a fly. And then he’d eat me and absorb all my powers.

Something like that would have happened ages ago too, but luckily for me, I was blind to the sight of this world’s pantheon. I could only draw their attention if I did something really egregious, but so far, outside of wiping out an entire nation and drawing the ire of the elemental embodiment of the earth itself, I’d been doing a pretty good job of laying low. Unless you counted all those annoying bandits on the road I randomly killed by disguising myself as a monster called “Max the Head chopper.”

(Well, most of them had been bandits, anyway. The rest had just been rude. I hate it when people are rude to me.)

Oh, and then there was that tribe of werewolves I’d recently slaughtered for reasons I couldn’t quite recall. (Man, those guys had sucked. They couldn’t even transform from men to wolves. They were total wannabes!) Oh, and now that I thought about it, hadn’t I also recently enraged a family of ancient vampires by interfering with their vengeance against the people who had tortured their progenitor for hundreds of years?

Huh.

Maybe I wasn’t doing such a great job of keeping my head down after all?

Oh, well. Nothing I can do about that now. I just had to live in the moment.

It’s funny though, my actions as the head chopper had earned me an unexpected new skill: [Notorious].

[Notorious]: Rank A.The more feared you are, the less effective resistances against your skills become.

It sounded kind of cool, but wasn’t it a little redundant considering my [Divinity] trait pretty much let me ignore resistances anyway? This was something I’d have to experiment with later. I was good at finding uses for my abilities beyond what was printed on the label.

“Daniel, come on! What are you standing around for?” Ladelle called out to me.

I looked up and saw my party had advanced into the next area of the dungeon without me.

Whoops! Heh, it was weird working with a group, sometimes. As the main character, I often dwelt on my past experiences and ruminated on the paths I should take while evaluating my numerous incredible abilities, which was entertaining for the people reading my story, since it allowed me to easily share my perspective with them as they figuratively asserted themselves into my narrative and lived out their vicarious fantasies through my quirky adventures.

But to the people who weren’t aware of my narration, it apparently meant that I spent a lot of time standing around, silently staring blankly into space, which weirded them out considerably. It would have been nice if Libby had warned me that I did that.

Man, she’d been useless.

“Coming!” I called back while hurrying after them. Once I caught up, I whistled in appreciation at the massive twin doored entrance that stood before us.

“Is that I think it is?” I asked.

“Without a doubt,” answered Jaxon.

We now stood before the entrance to the Dungeon Lord’s lair.