LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 39: Second Hand Emotions
The Cost of Seeing people’s heart 2: Rin’s Monologue
The military state of Godlana was a relatively peaceful place. Contrary to what other kingdoms might say about it, it wasn’t that bad. Whenever someone mentioned it, they usually thought of a place where everyone fought each other in the streets for no damn reason.
Of course, we did that, but that wasn’t the point.
It was the same all over the world—anyone who thinks they're strong will always seek a challenge through combat. There wasn’t any reason to fight other than the pursuit of strength. Growing up in such an environment, I didn’t really have a problem with it. My parents were both high-ranking members of the state’s military, so I grew up in a relatively warm home without any issues.
Even as a child, I wasn’t bullied by my peers because I was strong. Of course, that didn’t mean I participated in bullying others or anything like that.
I always found it ironic that people didn't respond well to receiving the same treatment they dished out to others.
You want to beat me up because it's fun? Well, then let's share that pain together. Mmh, what? You want to stop? Why? It's painful? Wow, who could've imagined?
It's even more pronounced when it comes to emotional sorrow. The discrepancy between what people say and what they really feel is always a mystery to everyone—but not to me.
“I hate you,” one might say. But a closer look into their heart reveals a much more complex emotion: envy, fear, a feeling of inferiority. The emotions that linger at the back of your mind whenever you say something, the ones you never want anyone to know—I can feel them through my Authority and experience them as if they were my own.
You can imagine how terrible it would be for a child to have such power. Trust me, it really was. I learned that the hard way.
On one hand, feeling different types of emotions despite not being under the same circumstances helped me understand emotions as a whole. I didn’t have to kill someone to know what it felt like to take a life. I didn’t have to date someone and break up with them to feel heartache. My parents didn’t have to die for me to understand the pain of losing family. And yet, I still managed to experience the full extent of such emotions through my Authority.
On the other hand, though, people don't want you poking into their feelings. Those unspoken words at the back of their mind were meant to stay just that—unspoken. They weren’t scared of those feelings. They weren’t looking for the courage to pull them out and share them with others. It was much simpler than that—they wanted to keep those emotions to themselves.
It might be one of the reasons I became so distant from the people around me, a casual observer who never participated. But even so, just from observing, I grew to understand people in their purest form, inside and out.
It's fine like this.
I'm fine.
Maybe because I always saw myself as so much different from everyone else, I never really thought about the big question that sprouted in everyone’s mind.
Am I afraid to die?
I imagined my answer would be the same as everyone else's. I knew I was strong, but I wasn’t arrogant. Faced with an even greater power, I gave it my all. Even at the sacrifice of my body and mind, I fought with all my might, making sure to protect my friend.
I thought that was normal.
So when I looked at the actions of a certain student whom I thought would have my back, I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was cold and calculating, but I never once thought of him as anything less than a fellow human being. And maybe, a potential friend? Like everyone else, a lot of emotions swelled in his mind, yet very few left his mouth. He was cold, but he still cared about the people around him.
Was I wrong?
Even now, I looked into his eyes, and they looked the same as always. The same expression he had when we casually played around during our dungeon breaks. The same face. There was no change in it. You’re a monster. I couldn't bring myself to say it a second time, so I kept quiet and continued to stare at him.
If I used my Authority at that moment, what emotion would be reflected back to me? As much as I wanted to know, I still didn’t do it. In truth, I was scared to find out.
My only job at the moment was to connect myself with the enemy and pass the damage to her. But would it work for something like that? Is death an experience I could share with others? I’d never even tried or thought of using my abilities this way, but for Ian, even after seeing me use them once, he seemed to be thinking of utilizing them to their fullest extent. I suddenly spotted Ruby, who had appeared in the corner of my eye as she ran toward Ian.
If it’s to save her, then maybe… I can do it.
I activated my skill while looking at Ian. I could see a slight surprise in his eyes as he looked at me. Was he hesitating? Maybe he was human after all. The thought immediately left my mind when the cold sound of the gunshot reverberated across the cave, causing me to close my eyes on instinct.
He really did it.
Strangely enough, there was no pain. No, there wasn’t even any change. Wait, did he shoot? I opened my eyes, only to find the masked woman standing where Ian should’ve been.
What?
In the next moment, her body suddenly collapsed to the floor.
“R-Rin!” Ruby suddenly jumped onto me, embracing my body as she started crying.
What just happened?
Looking closer, I could see a bullet hole behind the woman’s cloak, in the area behind her head. I turned and looked around, searching for Ian. And the moment our eyes locked, his reaction didn’t change. Instead, as cold as always, he turned his gaze away from us.
One down.
That's what I imagined he thought. He turned to face the man he seemed more worried about—the Giant Killer.
So, I’m alive…
I wasn’t sure what the feeling in my heart was at the time. But it wasn’t relief. It was an emotion I’d yet to experience on my own.
Did I perhaps… want to die?
A small smile appeared on my lips. I’ve lived a mostly happy life thus far. I’ve experienced the emotions of countless happy people, and their lifestyles weren't so different from mine. I knew what happiness was. I understood it more than anyone else.
So why was such a feeling growing inside me?
I felt… empty.
