RE: Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Hentai Shinobi Rule 17: Always seek damsels in distress.

***

Kai's face was a mask of unconcealed frustration. He bunched his brows as scoffs and grunts punctuated his every breath. However, Kai's 'supervisor,' Jiten, looked worse. The old man's wrinkles contorted as he impatiently tapped his foot, watching Kai perform every motion of preparing a cake with palpable envy. Old Jiten continued glaring at Kai. It made things worse when Jiten realized Kai seemed to know his stuff. A heavy tension and the noise of Kai's cream decorating a cake oppressed the Uzumaki residence's kitchen.

"Would you stop that?" Kai snapped, his voice sharpened with irritation.

"No!" Jiten returned the favor with a snappy retort. Unfathomable disbelief laced his aged, wavering voice. "I can't believe Mito-sama would let a runt prepare for this special day instead of her trusted aide! Oh, she's gotten old and lost her touch. I always knew old people made stupid choices like my Ma did by trying to skip stairs. Fell right on her neck and broke it."

Kai glanced at Jiten and observed his wrinkled, hunchbacked being.

The sound of the heavy door creaking open interrupted the young and old cook's impeding argument as they shifted their gazes to the third figure, who happened to be a sight for sore eyes.

"Yo!" Tsunade greeted the duo through the mess of the counter and other utensils between them before walking over to look at the peach-colored cake Kai had been decorating for the past 15 minutes. "How are you, Old Man?" She sat on the counter beside Kai as Jiten wore a mask of practiced annoyance.

"How many times do I need to tell you my kitchen's off limits, brat?! I'm not having your disrespecting, food-spitting ass here!" Jiten barked without an ounce of respect. However, his words only pulled impish giggles from Tsunade as she shrugged.

"I did that one time, Jiten-san. Besides, Grandma made sure I never spat in anyone's food again, didn't she?" Tsunade's butt ached with phantom pains as she recalled her foolishness of spitting in Grandpa's food. Still, she was a kid back then.

Jiten grumbled and waved his hand.

"Bah! I'm leaving. Everything's getting on my nerves today!"

Kai ignored the zealous cook and continued with the cake. He didn't bother registering Tsunade, who was eyeing him curiously. Instead, Kai focused on making the best birthday cake.

"That's a pretty cake," Tsunade eventually broke the tense silence with a well-humored tone. "I'm sure grandma is more appreciative of it than you can realize."

Kai momentarily looked at the words on the cake.

—Happy Birthday, Nawaki—

He rolled his eyes.

"It was nothing."

"Really?" Tsunade crossed her legs as Kai resisted the urge to look at her thighs. It wouldn't do him any good. He won't distract himself until he gets two willing girlfriends way down the line. For now, it was just a pleasant Grind for him. And wouldn't you know it? The grind has been more than appreciative, and Kai has been blessed with loads of love. After all, it was already the 9th of August.

The prior month was primarily uneventful except for one of the rarer missions.

[Relationship Quest: A Grateful Grandma

Summary: Aware of your displeasure about her grandson occupying more of her time, Mito hopes for you two to get together and bids both of you do nice things for each other.

Rewards: Mito's Gratification and being seen as the more mature of the duo.

Failure: Mito's profound sadness.]

Now, Kai couldn't have that, right? Mito just wanted her grandson to be close to one of the best things that ever happened to Konoha—Kai. Kai could empathize with that. So, he reluctantly asked Mito if he could prepare the birthday cake for Nawaki, much to Jiten's chagrin.

Boy! The fond look in Mito's eyes only doubled Kai's motivation. However, Kai didn't plan to make this an annual tradition—once was enough. His cream was more suited for Mito and Tsunade.

"Oi, I'm talking with you!" Tsunade frowned as Kai turned a deaf ear to her words and focused on his growth. Seeing the numbers was often more satisfying than Kai liked to admit.

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Konoha Student

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 221→282

Chakra: 47→57/1000 (1/hr)

Physique: 44→50/1000

Mental: 34→42/1000

Perception: 56→63/1000

Chakra Control: 10.4→10.6%

Skills:

Titles:]

[Transformation Jutsu (E) (16→37/100): The ability to transform oneself or another into anything and everything. This information-granting skill informs the users about the physical descriptions of items, flora, and fauna at each level. Aside from weight, the transformation cannot transform the user's chakra network into that of the target. So, transformed individuals cannot copy the target's skills. Mastering this skill allows the user to maintain their transformation without conscious effort till they run out of chakra.

Next Level: 3998/4174 unique transformations {Title Active: Konoha Student} or 1 SP.]

[Sealing Matrix (C) (20/20): A combination of seals and symbols that make little sense to everyone but the scholars of knowledge about Chakra and its origins, no matter their disposition. It's an information-granting spell that reveals the purpose of every symbol and seal but not specific combinations, links, and matrices that form esoteric fuinjutsu.

Skill Tree Evolution: Chakra Infused Seal (C) (0/50); Fuin Barriers (B) (0/50)]

[Chakra Infused Seal (C) (0/50) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 5 SP; 250 Chakra; Mastered Skill: Shape Transformation (C), Yin Nature Transformation (B.)]

[Fuin Barriers (B) (0/50) (Locked)

Unlocking Conditions: 12 SP; 250 Chakra; 250 Perception; Mastered Skill: Shape Transformation (C.)]

Indeed, Kai locked in. His distractions from giving unsuspecting orphans their just lessons no longer took time from his training. Kai focused the most on the [Physique] stat since that and [Chakra] was what he lacked compared to his peers. He would have picked other skills if the [Transformation Jutsu] hadn't become more tedious to grind. 10% increment with every level was beginning to stack the odds against Kai.

However, Kai followed his only creed—Fuck it, we roll.

Odds against him mattered little when he enjoyed giving Tsunade different hairdos and colors behind closed doors. He also began implementing transformation jutsu in his chores.

Meanwhile, [Sealing Matrix] was one of the more difficult skills since there was too much information. Kai understood that the titles—Uzumaki and Senju Guardians—didn't open the skill trees to their exclusive Jutsus but to the foundational skills from which the two clans built their jutsus. Not to mention, Kai hadn't even begun the [General Chakra Application Skill Tree] since he needed better stats.

Kai faced an identical issue with the other skills in the Fuinjutsu skill tree, something Mito was privy to. However, she promised Kai a reward for being a flawless student—her exact words.

So, Kai was curious.

Could he get another portrait? The one he had wasn't the same anymore.

Tsunade's eyelids twitched as she was saw performing a seal after he finished applying the cream on the cake's rims.

*Poof*

The cream squeezer in his hands reverted into a spoon as Tsunade almost choked on her saliva.

"You're wasting your time studying kitchen appliances for Transformation Jutsu? Why don't you spend your time training?"

The blonde was secretly annoyed at the boy. Since introducing Kai to Orochimaru, the latter hasn't stopped complimenting the kid every week about going out for drinks after discussing various case studies with the kids. The man's general compliments zoned around—Ah, Kai-kun is more curious and suited for the shinobi's true objective than you all were at his age.

The galls!

Who did Orochimaru think he was, aside from being more intelligent and academically inclined than herself and Jiraiya?

So, it would be an understatement of the year if Tsunade said seeing Kai so proficient with one of the most foundational Jutsus didn't sting her pride.

Still, Tsunade wasn't blind. She was already intruding, and Kai must have been annoyed by the situation.

Tsunade's shoulders sagged as she momentarily closed her eyes before adopting a gratified look.

"I met Grandma and Kushina on the way here. I didn't know she invited Mikoto. Hmm. I also think Orochimaru would show up, him being Nawaki's Jonin-Sensei and all."

Kai stopped in his tracks before uttering a defeated groan.

'What a lucky bastard,' Kai shook his head. However, he wasn't annoyed with Mito hosting Nawaki's birthday.

He had long moved past his envy for Nawaki. After all, envy wouldn't help him with anything. It wasn't remotely motivating compared to the sheer thrill in Mito's eyes to celebrate her grandson's birthday after all these years.

No, something else roasted his nuts.

"Speaking of those two girls," Tsunade continued with a cheshire grin. "Am I seeing things, or have they gotten taller these past weeks, Chibi-chan?"

That was his new nickname.

Why?

Mikoto and Kushina somehow synced their chakra puberty; go figure.

Mikoto had been the same chibi despite being three years older than Kai and Kushina, yet she shot past several physical limits—

Well…

No, Mikoto was at the right age to experience something like this. Kushina was the one with the freaky, ramen-addled body that grew without stops.

And Kai?

His rising [Physique] made him quicker and more robust. However, it had yet to affect his external growth meaningfully. It was one of the reasons Kai stopped bothering Konoha's orphan population. They all had a moment of respite due to Kai's need to see if hitting soft caps or eluded benchmarks of his stats would make any difference.

If reaching 50 in [Physique] doesn't work, then 100 should, right?

"Shut up," Kai didn't bother hiding his annoyance. Tsunade was one person who had been more acknowledging than dismissive of him as many others.

"Aw, so cold?" Tsunade smirked. A tinge of satisfaction slipped onto her features as she jumped off the counter and sauntered to the other side. She leaned on the counter as Kai knew he could see the edges of her mesh bodysuit down her neckline.

Again, he couldn't be bothered to do that.

"I wondered what to gift you," Tsunade continued.

"Gift me?" Kai blinked. "It's not my birthday yet. Mito-sama and I usually only celebrate New Year's. Besides, I don't think climbing out of my unknown mom was much of an achievement."

"Is that so?" Tsunade smirked. She knew Kai didn't know his date of birth. Many orphans didn't. "So, you're saying Birthdays should be about the mother and not the children."

"Yes," Kai's features softened, and the characteristic scowl he had been sporting for the past weeks faded. "It's gotta be tough pushing out ungrateful milk suckers—not like things get better if you turn out to be a bad parent and coddle your kids."

"Maybe every mother should learn from you and let their children starve as they eat ramen in front of their children," Tsunade scoffed.

Kai looked at Tsunade before nodding. "Precisely."

Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"Let's not continue the topic or I might skimp on your gift."

"But it's not my birthday," Kai repeated the issue. He didn't mind the gift but wished to know what Tsunade was planning.

Tsunade issued a frustrated snort.

"I knew you were baking the cake for Nawaki's birthday since Grandma wanted to resolve any issues you two may have remaining. What do you think Nawaki got you for your efforts?"

Kai tilted his head.

"Nothing."

Tsunade's eyelids jumped in surprise before she sported a grimace.

"How did you know?"

"Oh," Kai shrugged. "I overheard Nawaki explaining how he spent his last week to Mito-sama. He will be leaving for his first C-ranked mission tomorrow, right? He was preparing for the mission. So, it's fine if he didn't get any."

Tsunade observed Kai. She hesitated before speaking. "You're not angry? You made such an effort for your cake."

Kai smirked. "Not getting handouts doesn't really matter to me."

"It's called a gift," Tsunade narrowed her eyes.

"Okay. Not getting gifts doesn't bother me," Kai shrugged as he decorated the cake by sprinkling chocolate chips.

"You don't care about Nawaki challenging you, do you?" Tsunade suddenly questioned.

"Yep," Kai grinned. "I think Mito-sama was worrying about us not getting along too much. Besides, I have been using all my free time from when Mito-sama is with Nawaki to train. It's been a fun few weeks."

Tsunade sported a strange smile before questioning.

"So, you probably don't care if I offered myself as a training dummy for full body massage, right? I know you love training. So, I thought about the best present for you in Nawaki's stead. Then it hit me! You never practiced full-body massage on anyone, right?"

Kai almost punched the cake before swiftly turning around.

"Nawaki's been ungrateful enough! I think I would love that gift."

"I thought you didn't care about gifts," Tsunade teased as she rested her cheek on her chin.

"Well," Kai cupped his chin. A profoundly thoughtful look appeared on his face before he shook his head. "You're right."

"Eh?"

"I have too much training on my plate," Kai picked up the cake before grinning. "Thank you for the offer. However, I'm busy with the academy."

It wasn't hard for Kai to predict that he might pop another boner when putting his hands on Tsunade. Instead of letting his impulses lead him to another awkward encounter where Tsunade felt like cutting things short, Kai was more inclined to the idea of reaching 100 in [Physique.]

And it's not like things will magically turn in favor of Kai since Tsunade wasn't indecisive, and he planned to hold his end of the bargain by rizzing two women.

The only problem was that he didn't know how.

Jiraiya appeared to be a master, but he was like Kai. A wanker recognizes another wanker.

However, that didn't reduce Kai's respect for Jiraiya. The man had several limited-edition magazines with exclusive content. They were Jiraiya's wealth, which he shamelessly flaunted.

Meanwhile, Tsunade remained frozen in her spot.

Did that just happen?

'Motherfucker!' Tsunade cursed. 'Orochimaru turned another kid like himself!'

Forget maintaining healthy relationships. Tsunade couldn't even entice a kid with an obvious crush on her!

Devastated, Tsunade looked dazed and lost.

'Yep,' she nodded. 'Gambling and drinking are my two best partners.'

Two figures accosted the boy as he entered the living room with a few elegant decorations.

"Kai-chan~! The cake looks so good!" Kushina looked positively towering, being one head taller. Meanwhile, Mikoto appeared behind Kai. She rested her arms on his shoulders and settled her chin on his head.

"Ara? I didn't even see you down there, Kai-chan~!"

Kai's lips twitched. He almost forgot two devils used to hound him.

"The cake looks delicious, Kai-kun."

A warm voice cut through the dark clouds (shadows from Kushina and Mikoto) as Kai peeked past Kushina and met Mito's warm, joyous gaze.

She hardly looked that happy.

So, it was fine.

Kai returned a grin.

"Thanks, Mito-sama."

Kai placed the cake on the table as Mito continued.

"I hope you like your gift. I had Tenjin deliver it to your room."

That was one gift Kai was looking forward to as he brightened up.

Eventually, Nawaki, Orochimaru, Jiraiya, and a few other guests filtered into the residence. Kai soon saw Tsunade lead Nawaki to the residence's roof.

"Yo, brat," Jiraiya appeared with a slice of cake. "You cooked this, right? It tastes way better. Hehe."

The man crouched to meet Kai's eye level before whispering.

"You're talented, Kai-kun. I know it 'cause Orochimaru won't shut up about you. Here."

The man stuffed a booklet into Kai's hand.

"It's the wealth of knowledge any man with dreams of a harem will require. Of course, it's primarily fantasy. Give it a read. I know you like the magazines I bring."

"And," Jiraiya looked dead serious. "Don't tell anyone I gave this to you. Alright? I 'borrowed' this from Hiruzen-Sensei's stash. Consider this me handing my will of fire to you."

Kai calmly slipped the book inside his pocket before nodding.

"What book, Jiraiya-Sensei?"

They grinned when Kushina grabbed Kai's hand and glared at the white-haired man.

"Don't chat with him," the redhead pouted. "Tsunade-san said I've gotta protect you from perverts!"

Jiraiya sheepishly chuckled. It wasn't like he could deny Kushina's claims. However, the man nodded at Kai.

Yes. The youngsters will surpass the elders!

<<<>>>

The Next Day.

Nawaki looked energetic as he left Konoha alongside Orochimaru and his teammates. He couldn't help but recall yesterday's event. His hand unconsciously reached the green-crystal locket under his clothes.

"Fufu."

Nawaki blinked in surprise as Orochimaru paced along the boy as they jumped from branch to branch.

"So, Tsunade handed that locket to you, huh?"

Others might flinch at Orochi's raspy tone. However, Nawaki barely felt uncomfortable before offering a huge grin.

"Yes! She said she believed in my dream. I will become the Hokage, Orochimaru-Sensei!"

Orochimaru smiled at the boy's passion.

"Well, you're certainly motivated for it," Orochi complimented.

Nawaki's mood instantly dampened as he puckered his lips.

"You're just saying it, Sensei. Onee-san told me how you kept praising Kai these days."

Orochimaru chuckled and shook his head.

"Did you like the cake yesterday?"

Nawaki looked down and nodded.

"Don't you think efforts deserve appropriate recognition? Would the future Hokage hold grudges against a younger boy for his dreams?" Orochimaru guided Nawaki as the boy looked embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Sensei. But Kai was suddenly friendly and all. I just… I just didn't know what to do. I'll apologize for my behavior once we return!"

Orochimaru smiled and said nothing.

The team continued for a few minutes before arriving at the designated mission to hunt a wild chakra beast.

Orochimaru remained alert and kept his team's back safe as he watched Nawaki rush ahead.

'Tsunade's words must have been impactful. Nawaki's quite motivated—'

Orochimaru watched Nawaki jump into the bushes—

*Booooooommmmmmmmm*

A raging inferno swept its surroundings as the shaded foliage brightened. The other two teammates stumbled back in shock as Orochimaru stayed rooted.

A familiar locket flew in an arc before landing near his feet as the man's vision suddenly swam. Orochimaru's schooled expression betrayed raging emotion as he fell to his knees before clutching his chest.

Sweat poured from his forehead as he tried reaching for something in his pocket. A pill bottle slipped out of his grasp, and the man's head almost felt like exploding before all of Orochimaru's senses gave up against the chaotic pressure swirling within his veins and chakra coils.

"Sensei!"

"Hurry! S-search for Nawaki and retreat!"

***

Alternate Title: The Cake Mania; Annoyed For Wrong Reasons; Kai Ain't a Brat; Tsunade's On Old Jiten's Shit List; The Symbol of Discipline—Mito; Things Turned Out For Good; The Jealous Tsunade; The Gift; Kai's Character Development?; Looking At The Positives; More Time For The Grind; When An Unrizzing Force Meets a Failed Rizzler; Thots Rejected, Grind Embraced; The Tall Devils; Chakra Puberty Hit Everyone Like a Truck But Kai; Kai's First Fan: Snek; The Birthday Party; Mito's Hope; The Unbothered Kai; Kai Achieved Chill Mode; Every Orphan Has A Reason To Thank Kushina's and Mikoto's Growth; The Internal Growth; Month Time Skip; Grind Bears Fruit; Birthdays Should Be About Mothers For Real; Kai About To Achieve Enlightenment With His Constant W's; Jiraiya Passes On The Torch; Kai Refuses To Perv… Yet; Kai: I Could Either Look At Tsunade Or Lock In *Locks In On Tsunade's Onahole Instead*; The Cursed Locket Strikes Again; The Dichotomy Of Hashirama's Remains *The Cells Empower The Enemies And The Locket Takes Out Allies*; Mito's Happiness; The Gift?; The Special Quest; To Be a Bigger Man; Nawaki's Jump; *Insert Nawaki Death Meme*; Orochi's Taken Out; Massive Birthday Bombs Indeed

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