Chapter 39: Who I Am
When I find him we’re going to need to talk about his coping mechanisms. I’ve been searching for feels like more than an hour, and I’ve yet to see where he went. He’s hiding his presence from me. I would have been able to find him immediately if he hadn’t.
At the very least, it means his powers have returned to what they should be. Still, it’s frustrating to finally remember how to sense him with my magic and not be able to do it. I had very little to do but train my magic as an disembodied spirit, it’s now strong enough to do a lot more than it was able to before.
My footsteps creep through the stone footpath towards the castle door, before a thought strikes. Mind wandering back a few decades, I remember a place I’d seen him go every time something upset him. Before Fate managed to sink her claws into him. Maybe…It’s worth a try.
A breath of relief leaves me as I finally sense his magic coming from the tree in the middle of the courtyard. It’s sequestered away from wandering eyes. His mother’s garden. It’s where I would have looked for him immediately if a century of memories weren’t in front of the ones needed.
Willing the light to keep my footsteps quiet, I sneak towards the tree. Using the light to sharpen my vision, I find him lying on a branch at the very top. I make to walk towards the tree, when an idea forms. A mischievous grin flickering over my face as I use my magic in a way I’d learnt to do in my boredom.
Letting the light pool at my feet, I use it to float over the tree and land on a branch above him. Then, swinging my legs over its trunk I hang upside down so that my face is above his. He can’t see me with his arm covering it. This should be fun.
“I thought you knew better than to run away from a conversation.” Trying to keep my voice neutral, I whisper the words over his hand.
Jerking, his arm falls away. His eyes look down first before my laugh makes him look up. They widen when they meet my gold speckled ones, mouth parting as he sees my legs wrapped around the tree branch.
“Well darling?” I ask, trying not to let the humour show. “I’m still waiting for your answer.”
Blinking, his eyes never quite leave mine, his lips almost brushing against mine as he answers. “What are you doing here? I told you I needed some air.”
“Yes well.” My brows raise. “You know I’m never going to just listen to you.”
His lips twitch for a moment before the trace of humour fades. “Even still.” Met with my silence, he continues. “I can’t stand the thought that I’ve wasted so much time.”
“It was not your fault.” I tell him gently, frowning when he makes to turn away. I reach my hands to grasp his face and turn it back towards me. “It. Was. Not. Your. Fault.” My thumb strokes over his cheek bone. “If anyone is to blame, it’s her.”
I hope my eyes convey just how much I mean those words. Especially since I know a lot more than he currently does. He didn’t have a incorporeal seat to see her insanity, he only knows what was done in front of him.
“If I’d just talked more to my father…”
“No. We’re not going to dwell on what ifs.” I sigh, “He wouldn’t have told you regardless.” I pause when a flicker of true anger enters his eyes. “No. Listen.” My face is now even closer as I swing forward. “How could he have told you when you looked like you were a moment away from death. He didn’t want you to destroy yourself over a possibility.”
Not when Tatiana wouldn’t have trusted him enough to give him my body. We still need to have a talk about that. She has a lot of explaining to do. And I will get the answers from her.
“But it wasn’t just a-”
I let go of his face to put a finger to his lips, “Hush. None of that.” When he still looks like he wants to argue, I give him a glare that tells him to drop it. It’s funny how easy it is to get back to a normal. But I won’t have him spend the rest of his life dwelling on what ifs and could have beens.
“We’re going for better, remember?” You can’t just magic away the time. I’d told him that but I don’t think he’s gotten used to it.
Finally, the sorrow fades from his eyes. It’s still there but the most present emotion is resignation tinged with acceptance. A sigh escapes his mouth as I move my finger away, a faint smile on his face. “I really can’t win with you.” Another sigh. “I suppose I’ll try not dwell on it.”
“Good.” I nod to myself. That’s the best I can hope for all things considered. “Now help me get down from here.” My legs are getting tired from hanging like this.
An amused gleam enters his eyes, lips twitching with the effort to hold back laughter. “How did you even get up here.”
“Secret.” Grinning, I move my legs so I can easily let go of the branch when needed. “Now catch.”
Then, I let my legs fall from the branch. They flip down and land on top of his as string arms come to wrap around me to stop me from falling. I knew he would catch me. His face is still held in my hands, making our position very intimate, but I don’t want to let go. Not yet.
“That was not a sufficient warning time.” He tells me in reprimand.
I grin. “I knew you would catch me.” He always has. It softens the annoyance into a reluctant fondness, his arms shifting into a more comfortable position.
“You’re a menace.” He laughs, trying to shake his head only to remember I’m still holding it captive.
“Look who’s talking.” I smile. “Now how do we get down. We can’t stay up here forever, those two are waiting.” And probably really worried too. I don’t need to say the words for him to understand their meaning.
Sighing he shifts into a sitting position, moving me along with him. It makes it so I’m straddling him as he leans against the branch, but I pay that no mind. It’s hard to be embarrassed with someone you’ve known for so long. A part of me is annoyed that I ever was in this journey. The petty part wants to make him just as flustered as revenge.
“I suppose you’re right.” A pause. “Are you going to let go of my face?”
“No.” I give him a sickeningly sweet smile, leaning forward until my lips are brushing against his ear, my hand shifting to make room. I can feel more than hear his breath stall. It makes me grin as I whisper the next words. “I wouldn’t want you to run again.” The grin spreads as his ears tinge pink, even if his next words don’t show it.
“You know I wouldn’t.” A glare. “You’re just doing this to mess with me.”
“Perhaps.” I pull back but keep my hands on his face. “Maybe I just like being able to touch you since I’m finally back in the physical plane.” I can admit that I’m very much touch-starved right now. Having the memories come rushing back makes me remember how difficult it was to go so long without it. Spirits aren’t a very good alternative.
When he looks like he’s going to get pulled back into the self-depreciating state he was in when I found him, I move my hands to poke him the chest instead, the other going to poke his forehead. “None of that.” Poke. “We have things to do.” Poke. “If you have the energy for angst, use it for better things.” Poke.
We’ll hopefully have forever to figure out how to stop me from feeling like this. Having a curse to break and things to put to rights won’t make it easy, but I will figure it out. The way he’s reacting is exactly why I didn’t want to bring this up last night. My cousin would have probably reacted similarly, and I don’t want to see her cry again.
“Like what?” He asks, a hand going up to stop mine. My answering grin has him looking wary, as if a part of him has already guessed.
“Well.” I tilt my head to the side as the grin spreads. “I might have an idea. And we most certainly do have the time.”
Chuckling he shakes his head. “I should have guessed.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You don’t have to.” A quirk of his lips. “Like I said last night. I know you.” So he does.
When she’d first gotten this rose, she’d had no idea about its capabilities. Like all those before her, she’d simply classified it as a trinket to possess. However, what had happened in the previous weeks proved it was anything but.
They’d had something else to give to the dignitaries, the rose was too powerful to let go of. Having seen firsthand its effects, she could agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment. Their lands had never been able to grow much of anything, years of drought had hardened the soil. Nothing would grow in it, no matter how much they had tried.
Yet a week after acquiring the enchanted rose, the fields below the castle had borne crops. The once arid soil now fertile with wheat and other resources. It had been a miracle. They’d all thought it was the gods’ favour shining down upon them at last.
At least until the vines grew. From the pillar they’d placed the rose upon, vines formed. Circling the stone and digging into the ground below. They had glowed with a golden hue, letting all that saw it know it for it was. Magic.
The same glow surrounded the border of the soil which had borne the wheat. It had been enough to stall their plans to use the rose as a bargaining tool. When in the coming days, the glow flowed into other fields for a similar effect, they knew they should not give it up.
Whether it was her father or the farmers in their land, they were of similar opinion. This rose was essential for the survival of their kingdom. More than friendly relationships, they needed fertile soil to grow. With it they wouldn’t be at the mercy of travellers for resources.
From then on, the rose was guarded by an iron vault, traps set for any who dared try steal it. She had made it a part of her routine to check on it as often as she could. They could not lose such a treasure. And as their kingdom flourished, the sentiment grew stronger.
It needed to be protected. Anyone who stole it would want to abuse its power. If she had been raised in a worse home, she would have done the same.
Alas, for all of their attempts to protect the enchanted rose, it ultimately proved fruitless. For one day when the princess went to check up on it, it had vanished. They searched everywhere for it and yet saw no signs of intrusion. Or signs of where it could have gone.
Devastated, the people mourned for their lost treasure. Their only conciliation that the effects of the rose lingered. The soil it had made fertile did not grow arid once again, yet an uneasy feeling lurked in their hearts. The sense that whoever had taken it had done so for a sinister purpose.
A sense that was correct. In a dwelling far away from their kingdom a woman cackled as she doused the flower in her own concoction. The black strands of her hair casting a curtain as she willed the magic to distort. Amber eyes glowed as she saw it take effect.
The spell had worked. Now whoever possessed it would be at its mercy. There was no place for kindness in the world she sought to create. Now all she needed to do was find someone foolish enough to search for it.
When they find us, it’s because of the sound of clanging weapons ringing through the hall. At first neither of us notices them, too engrossed in our spar. It’s annoying to note that my reflexes aren’t as good as they were, but it’s something I can work on. Something I will work on.
The movements come naturally, a benefit of having practised familiarity. Knowing him, I’m able to counter his attacks more easily than I had a few days ago. It helps me predict his next movements before he makes them. As he goes to the right to sweep my feet from under me, I turn and instead move to the left.
Then, when he’s distracted, my sword goes to knock his from his hand. It almost works, but he moves back at the last second. Causing a clang of metal to reverberate once again. I think nothing of it, a grin forming as I go to sweep his feet from under him in retaliation.
Moving back when his sword swings to block it, our swords collide until their clashed against each other. A battle of strength. We are at a standstill, the blades crossing as he moves forward. Instead of moving back as he would predict, I instead hold my stance.
Any other movements to come away from the stance are interrupted by the sound of sudden clapping. And the long-suffering sighs from behind it. It brings us back to reality, making us turn to face our intruders. The swords stay crossed.
“Nicely done.” Slow claps. “Good to see you’re as adept as ever.” Hades says, mischief on his tongue.
“I just wish they weren’t always running off to spar.” Cylen mutters from next to a laughing Gem.
A laugh of my own makes me finally step away to cease our spar. It has already fulfilled its purpose. As he sheathes the sword back into place, Theo throws him a mocking glare. Which is duly ignored as he continues with his tirade.
“Battle junkies. The both of them.” He shakes his head. “I’m guessing this means you’re feeling better?” The concern is palpable even through the mocking, and a soft smile lights his face as Theo nods.
“Good.” Mira whispers, wiping her eyes a little. “We were worried.”
That was obvious. But knowing my cousin, she’ll just give me a judging look if I tell her that. So, I do the smart thing by staying silent. Theo can take this one.
“I’m alright.” He smiles at her, “I promise.”
She grins in relief. Moving forward to pull him into a hug before stepping back again. Her eyes narrow on mine for a minute before she shakes her head and decides to leave whatever it is she was going to say. I’m pretty sure it was an accusation for not immediately coming back, so it’s just as well.
“Not that this isn’t all very touching,” Drawls Hades, “but I do believe it’s time for the lot of you to be in bed.” He shakes his head. “I know how fragile you mortals are.”
Although Theo answers that with a frustrated glare, it only makes me laugh. Even knowing the truth, he can’t help but tease. I think he enjoys being as embarrassing as possible to his son. My laugh fades to a warm smile, he doesn’t want him to feel the absence of his mother.
“It’s not that late.” The deadpan that accompanies the glare he’s sending him makes Cylen laugh as well. Gem controls it better, but I can see the amusement in her eyes. I guess they’ve noticed as well.
Hades just shrugs in an nonchalant manner. “Whatever suits.” He turns towards me, “I have some business to attend to, I’ll see you later.” The softening his tone makes Theo blink in confusion once again.
“Don’t be too long.” I answer. I worry about him, he’s a lot more lonely than he’ll let on. Likely knowing what I’m thinking, he sends me a half-smile before vanishing.
A short time later, we’re back in the sitting room. Except this time, we’re sitting on the carpeted floor with an array of food in front of us. They all look delicious. Especially since they’re foods I’ve been yearning to eat for so long.
In between bites, my hand goes to pick up my cup to taste the wine. It’s rich and sweet on my tongue. My lips quirk in a smile at the thought put behind the feast. When it draws confused gazes, I just wave my hand dismissively.
“It’s not important,” I tell them, “I’m just glad that he remembered.”
“There’s a lot to unpack there, but I’m still adjusting, so I think I’ll leave that particular discussion for another day.” Captain Spears mutters, “Instead, maybe we should talk about what we’re going to do next.” The nodding that accompanies his words tells me the other two feel the same. I suppose it is a lot to take in.
“Alright.” I take another bite of the sweet bread. “We should find the rose next.”
“Why do we even need to find these things?” The way her eyes are narrowed tells me she thinks it has something to do with me. Which it does, but it’s still rude for that to be her first thought.
As nonchalantly as possible, I take another sip of the sweet wine. “I may or may not have put my magic in those things.”
“You did what?”
“I said may or may not.” I put my hands up in surrender.
“That just means you definitely did.” Cylen helpfully points out as Mira shoots me an incredulous look.
“Well I had to do something to combat the trickery she pulled, and it worked because my powers return as soon as I touch the object.”
Theo sighs. “Why is that important?”
“Oh. I suppose you don’t know.” I purse my lips. “It’ll allow us to break that pesky curse.”
“Why can’t this bastard do it?” Cylen points a finger at him. “Didn’t you cast it?” Accusing green eyes bore into sheepish blue. Although I’m pleased to find there’s more annoyance than anger there.
“If I could, I would have already done it.” He mutters, rubbing the back of his head. “For some reason, it won’t let me.”
“It won’t let you?” Mira asks as Cylen’s expression becomes more incredulous.
“No.” He loudly sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don’t even know why I cast the damn thing.”
“Compulsion.” Another sip of wine. Then, “You were so tired from you’re stupid choices that it let the compulsion she put on the scroll take control.” Letting that sink in, I wait until their eyes are turned towards me to answer the final question. “The reason you can’t break it is because it’s not really your curse. It’s hers.”
For a few beats there’s only stunned silence, then Gem’s voice breaks it. “That still doesn’t explain why you put your magic in those things.”
“I needed something that would both trigger my memories and be something she wouldn’t go looking for.” I shrug. “She couldn’t see me, so I put a strand of my magic on the scroll as well. It wasn’t enough so she’d notice, but enough that it’d allow me to reverse it.”
Another round of silence follows that. Their mouths slightly ajar. Even Theo looks like he’s been blindsided, which is an achievement because almost nothing catches him off guard. It makes surprising him all the more fun.
“You did that as a ghost?” The question makes me laugh, but Gem lightly smacks him anyway. Leave it Cylen to ask that.
“Absolutely.” I smile, “You didn’t think I would do nothing, did you?”
“Evidently not.” Blue eyes turn to look towards the ceiling, head shaking before he looks back down with a long sigh. “I suppose we have a direction.”
“Indeed, we do.” Gem says with a long sigh of her own. Her grey eyes bore into mine with half exasperation and half fondness. “You always did like to do the impossible.”
And I grin. “So, it’s settled.”
Nobody had told him that casting a curse would de-age him. He’d expected the oddness. Hell, even the disconcerting feeling of being displaced as the inhabitants of the land formed new memories. He’d been prepared to face the hollow beings that they would have become.
But, somehow, he hadn’t expected it to affect him anyway. Yet as he’d awoken in his bed, something had felt different. His bones aching less, the stress lines on his face somewhat fading. He couldn’t remember the last time he’s felt this unburdened, even if it wasn’t truly real.
Looking into the mirror, he was met with a youthful face. The man looking back at him was one he hadn’t seen in centuries. The unmarred skin an odd contrast to the scars he’d gotten used to seeing each morning. Something about how he looked irked him.
It irked him more than the changed world, or the hollow people. He hadn’t always been this bitter, but he couldn’t say he was ever good. He’d lived through too much for that. Seeing the weight of that history in his eyes was an unusual relief. It assured him he was awake.
Peering at the face for a few seconds later, it clicked. He could feel his eyes widening, see it in the mirror as he placed why it irked him. The man, the boy, in the mirror didn’t look older than twenty-one. A part of him knew that it was how he would remain looking for a long time yet. Time had frozen for him, even if it hadn’t for everyone else.
Understanding magic as he did, he knew the feel of such a spell. He would look twenty-one until the curse no longer existed. Meaning he would look that way for likely forever. A complicated mix of feelings raged in his chest. It was bittersweet/
And fitting in a way. That he’d be twenty-one again. It was the age he’d met her. The age he’d decided to leave his father’s domain in rebellion to make his own identity. He’d succeeded in that task, but he wasn’t sure it was worth the cost. He wished he hadn’t lost her, because losing her had made him lost as well.
It was fitting. He decided with more certainty. It was the beginning of his journey; it was only right that it would all circle back to that point. The moment he’d met that eighteen-year-old girl who’d eventually become his world. He hadn’t gotten to spend enough time with her. It was barely more than a decade.
The words once again reverberated through his head. That he’d be reminded of her every day after making a decision she’d likely berate him for. It was very much fitting. And perhaps in time, it could feel like a new start as well.
“What are you doing?” A voice whispers in my ear, making me jump.
Without turning around, I pull him down to crouch beside me. Behind a solid stone fence. Shushing his protests, I point towards the object of my attention. Standing a few feet away are Mira and Cylen, in a heated conversation. He looks absolutely done but follows my gaze a moment later.
When the words reach his ears, I can easily tell. For his eyebrows shoot into his hairline and he pushes me gently to the side so we can more comfortably eavesdrop. The conversation is an interesting one, and not one we can interrupt.
“It doesn’t matter!” Gem is telling him.
Cylen looks sheepish and a little uncomfortable. “I didn’t have all the facts then.”
“Neither did I!” She throws her hands up in the air. “And yet I still chose this.”
“But I’m-”
“If you dare say you’re not worthy Cylen Greyhill, I’ll smack you across the face.” She shoots him a glare. “You’re what I want.”
“It’s not that easy.” Cylen looks pained, “How can I ever-”
“You are more than enough.” She fixes him with a steady scowl. “So don’t you even think about finishing that sentence.”
Sighing, I share a commiserating look with Theo. Not this bullshit again. We’ve heard him say this so many times before. I’d thought we were beyond this in this life. They’ve already been together for so many years, I hadn’t thought we’d revert back to this. I suppose I underestimated just how much remembering the reasons for his fears would bring it back.
Not that I think they’re founded. Like Mira said, he’s more than worthy. But it’s not as easy as telling him that. He needs to believe it for himself. It’s the reason why we’re sitting here eavesdropping instead of joining the conversation. We’ve already told him he’s worthy, but he never quite believes us.
“I want to believe that, but-”
“Then believe it.” I must have rubbed off on her because she steps forward and makes him look her in the eyes, “You. Are. More. Than. Enough. I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise, even if it’s you.”
He stands there dumbfounded for second before his lips move. “That’s surprisingly violent.”
“With Rose as my cousin, that’s a given.” That’s rude.
I glare at the asshole next to me who stifles his laugh at the words. I’ll admit it’s somewhat true, but that doesn’t mean she has to say it like that. And Cylen’s laughing too. Assholes. The whole lot of them.
Scrunching up my face, I drive those thoughts away. I’m definitely mature enough to not be petty because of it. Definitely. Probably. Anyway, once he stops laughing Cylen finally decides to concede to her point. Which is good, because I don’t want to witness a break-up. I’m morally obligated to punch him in the face if he breaks her heart.
Seeing as the crisis has been averted, I’m free to smack Theo for laughing in peace. “Quit that.” I can feel air fill my cheeks. “It’s not that funny.” Which only makes him laugh harder. Smack. “Stop.” The word is a whine even to my own ears.
Reminding myself that I’ve decided to be mature, I stand up and pull him towards the reconciled couple. We’d decided to meet in the courtyard the night before. The horses are safely in the castle’s stable. Hades has assured me that they’ll be well taken care of. With Theo’s powers returned, we don’t need them.
Speaking of Hades, he’s standing at a lean watching us from the entrance. The gold of his eyes is warm under the light, his black hair just as messy as his son’s but slicked back in an attempt at neatness. My earlier irritation fades at seeing him. As much as my relationship with the others, this one is just as important.
“So I suppose you’re leaving then?” He says the words in an teasing drawl.
Immediately, I separate from the group and walk towards him. Once again catching him off guard, I wrap my arms around him in a hug. My smile growing as he returns it even as he’s confused.
“We’ll be back.” I whisper into his embrace, “I promise to visit soon.”
Pulling back again, I can see the grin his indifferent expression has changed to. He once again kisses my forehead in a fatherly manner. “I’ll be waiting.” Then, turning a teasing look to his son, “Maybe I should have had a daughter.”
Theo gives me a blank stare at the taunt, obviously used to his father’s antics. He still can’t hide the irritation in his eyes, and the distrust he still feels towards him. But that’s an issue for another time.
Shaking his head, Hades fixes his son with a mischievous look. “I suppose I can still have a daughter if my son would hurry the fuck up.” I laugh as that earns him a glare even as I can see the red tinging Theo’s ears. Aw. How cute.
“Bye.” I tell him before walking back to the others.
Feeling light, I move towards the open space we’ve chosen. One of the perks of having the powers of his title is that he can now teleport us wherever we need to go. I suppose I could too, but it’s a little untested with light magic and I’ve never done it with other people.
He holds his hand out towards me, the other going to hold Mira’s. It’s easier if we’re touching. Cylen holds her other hand, and also holds his other arm towards me. When both of them turn expectant eyes towards me, I clasp them in return. I’m ready.
Instead of the light I’d gotten used to associating with teleportation in the past weeks, we’re surrounded by shadow. It engulfs us in its embrace and gently lifts us off the ground. For a moment, I feel a pulling at my navel, and then it’s gone. The shadows recede to let me see the place we’ve come to.
A drawbridge connected to a decaying castle. Another smile tugs my lips. He’d gotten it right. I’d only given him a vague description of the site and he’s managed to get us to the right place anyway. We’d burnt that scroll the night before in a cathartic cleansing of parchment and rotten thought.
It’s a relief to not be guided by riddles on a piece of paper. Tatiana really does like her riddles, even when it’s not necessary to use them. We don’t need them anymore. Not when I know exactly where we need to go now.
Just as I know that this castle is home to an enchanted rose. It wasn’t where it originally was, but it’s where it needs to be. I breathe in deeply before turning to face them.
“This is it.” I tell them.
“I told you I would get us here in the first attempt.” The smug cat.
Cylen shrugs. “It’s never certain with you.” Which of course gets him a middle finger, but that only makes him laugh.
Shaking her head, Mira interjects before they can get into this particular argument. “Let’s just get this treasure and go home. You can argue all you want then.”
He shakes his head. “I just hope there aren’t any monsters this time.”
“But, fighting them is so much fun.” I can’t help but add. I can’t hold the expression when three sets of eyes turn towards me with disbelieving expression, their exasperation making me laugh. Ah. I really do love how easily they believe me. It’s fun to tease them.
“Joking.” I hold my arms up in surrender, whispering underneath my breath, “Mostly.” It is a little fun, but I suppose they’ve had enough excitement lately.
“Let’s just go inside before she decides to create trouble.” Mira sighs.
“I wouldn’t do that.” I’m indignant that they think I go looking for trouble, it usually finds me.
“You would.” Theo mutters, agreeing with my cousin and Captain Spears has the audacity to agree with him.
“I’m feeling very attacked right now.” I inform them. My pout is well deserved. “But fine! Let’s go inside.”
Obviously they’re used to it and simply laugh before heading towards the drawbridge. It’s at times like this that I wonder why I even missed them. Sighing, I accept my fate, I’d rather have them in my life. It’d be boring otherwise.
A smile flickers on my lips. I know they would say the same. Despite their complaining, they enjoy the danger. They just don’t want to admit it aloud. Not wanting to sound insane or something. I’ve never understood that. There’s nothing wrong with a little light-hearted madness.
I’ll leave that conversation for later, just as Mira said.