Prophecy Approved Companion

So it turned out that they didn’t need a library card to borrow books. Apparently they were recognised as being a part of the Chosen One’s party and, despite the fact that the Exiled Prince and Exiled Princess were undercover and thus no one should have known about their activities, every librarian knew that they had given permission to enter the library.

However, many of the books were totally inaccessible. While the upper storeys of the building held bookshelves practically groaning under the weight of all the juicy looking volumes, there were no stairs or ladders up to them. Qube considered using the Chosen One’s “stand on someone’s shoulders” technique, but she didn’t feel up to dealing with either Sewer Bard or Definitely Bad Guy acting strange about mounting her. And if she got on top of them, they’d practically be looking up her robe.

She could have made them mount each other, but that seemed ripe for violence.

Before they could leave the library, though, a clattering of books being flung about announced the arrival of the Chosen One and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, who had accidentally merged with several of the bookshelves.

“Hey,” the Chosen One said casually, jumping on the front desk and looking at Qube. “You do all your nerd stuff?”

Qube gave him a pleasant smile as she tried to figure out what ‘nerd stuff’ was.

“I found a restricted section that holds several very interesting books,” she cautiously offered. She glanced over her shoulder to see where Sewer Bard was. He was busy helping one of the disapproving librarians pick up all the books launched by Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s artistic posing near the romance section.

“One of them is related to Sewer Bard,” she whispered as quietly as one could to someone standing on a table. “He says that there is an ancient epic saga that finding and reciting will make him the greatest Bard in all the land but… well…” she trailed off, unsure of how to politely call the greatest achievement of all storytellers complete rubbish. “I don’t know if there’s a spell laced into it that will reveal itself when he reads it out loud and it’s disguised as mediocre writing to hide its true nature, or if it’s in code that only Bards or the worthy can decipher, but I’m worried that tastes may just have become more refined in the last few hundred years.”

The Chosen One was looking mildly confused. He looked off into the distance, his fingers twitching and his eyes scanning nothing.

“I mean, it could just be a total coincidence that he told me about this ancient epic saga known only by the Bardic Archiver of Songs and Stories and I immediately found a giant golden book in the restricted section that seemed to contain a very long saga but it just seemed likely.” Qube frowned as she thought it through. “Wait, although if the Bardic Archiver of Songs and Sagas has only heard rumours of the epic saga, what is it doing in the library that they presumably run? Unless it’s just a starting point for the quest… or I misunderstood something Sewer Bard said.”

The Chosen One started laughing and refocused back on Qube.

“You totally unlocked his character's side quest for me! This is awesome!” he exclaimed. “Man, I could have you running around unlocking [snacks] for me without me having to lift a finger! I wonder how badly it would break everything if you did?”

“I’m not a man,” Qube gently reminded her best friend. The Chosen One looked at her, before sighing and shaking his head.

Qube was starting to suspect that when the Chosen One called her ‘man’, he did not actually think she was a man.

The Chosen One craned to look over at where Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was now sulking. She’d been chased into a clearing in the library by a swarm of shushing librarians, who were now busy picking up the books sent flying by her retreat.

“I’m gonna have you — Wait,” the Chosen One suddenly looked down at Qube suspiciously. “How did you read it if it was in the restricted section?”

Qube coughed. “Chosen One, I really think we need to focus here,” she started.

The Chosen One crouched down on the front desk until he was eye level with Qube.

“Did you — did you break into the restricted section? On your own?”

“‘Breaking into’ implies that something was damaged by my entering,” Qube said, refusing to make eye contact with the Chosen One. “I simply stepped over a rope that I have no way of knowing the meaning of. Anyway, we all know that ‘restricted access to areas’ would not mean that we should not be allowed to enter it. After all, we’re on a mission given to us by the Golden Prophecy.” She felt her heart rate accelerate under the Chosen One’s growing grin. “We were even given Royal permission to enter the library, which would imply that any resources within would be ours, since they ultimately belong to the Royal family.”

“And no one told you to go into the restricted section? You just saw it and had to get in there?” the Chosen One interrogated her.

“Well, I, well, yes. Given the limited time it seemed — oh, Chosen One I’m going to prison, aren’t I?” Qube wailed. She sank to the floor, covering her face. “I knew I wasn’t supposed to go in there, but I did anyway! I’m not fit to be anyone’s guiding light!”

The Chosen One seemed torn between laughing and sympathy. He jumped down onto the ground and pulled Qube up.

“Awww, no, look, it’s great that you’re putting the good of the mission first!” he said, clearly trying to be serious. He patted her on the shoulder consolingly. “It means I’m rubbing off on you! Which is probably something they should be worried about, but I think it’s awesome.” His eyebrows quirked together in a brief frown as Qube sniffed dolefully. “You’re doing great,” he said, continuing to pat her on the shoulder. “Good job.” Qube, reassured, gave him a watery smile.

“Also you’re invisible so it’s not like they’re going to arrest you,” the Chosen One pointed out.

“Oh, right,” Qube said sheepishly.

“Now I need you to go find out what quest Sexy Screamy Spider Lady has.” Qube opened her mouth to protest, but was quickly cut off. “I think you would be the best one to ask her. Get to know her a bit, yeah? Or at the very least save me from having to deal with her anymore,” the Chosen One shuddered, a haunted look briefly crossing his face. “So many food related innuendos. So many.”

“Oh no,” Qube said. “She got overexcited, didn’t she?”

“They had fresh fruit,” the Chosen One replied grimly.

Qube nodded. There was nothing more to be said, really. She mechanically dusted herself off as the Chosen One watched her.

“And even if they did somehow manage to arrest you, you know I would break you out, right?” he added, with a grin.

“Chosen One, you can’t go breaking criminals out of prison just because they’re your friends!” Qube squeaked indignantly.

“O’course I can,” the Chosen One waved a hand. “Who else is gonna keep me on the straight and narrow? Things would be much less fun without my guiding light.” As Qube devolved into pleased squeaks of protest, the Hero pushed her towards Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. “Now go check out her side quest. I gotta go loot this joint.”

Qube, still in a daze from receiving so many heartfelt compliments from the Saviour of all Human and Human-Adjacent Beings, drifted over to the seriously displeased Hunter.

“Hello, my darling,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady pouted, tossing her long brown hair back defiantly. “I see you too have been relegated to the naughty corner.”

“This isn’t a corner, it’s a clear space,” Qube absentmindedly corrected Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. The other woman gave her a withering look, which was extremely effective when you had as many eyes as she did. “Sorry,” Qube said.

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady huffed. “It’s fine, dear; I know you must be frustrated too. The Chosen One and I were having a lovely date in the kitchen when everyone just started acting so rude to us. And then the Chosen One said that I was being inappropriate. Just because I happened to be enjoying the bowl of bananas they had on the table! It’s not like I can help being the way I am!”

There was an odd note to that last sentence. Qube tilted her head as she regarded Sexy Screamy Spider Lady. Then her brain suddenly caught up to what had been said.

“Wait, you and the Chosen One were on a date?!”

Eight eyes rolled themselves as the giant arachnid gave an exasperated sigh. Even her eternally screaming children’s faces looked at Qube patronisingly.

“My pure little Healer, sometimes I forget how innocent you are,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady cooed. “Of course we were on a date. He took me, on my own, to go have a meal with just him. Why do you think he sent the rest of you away, if not so he and I could have a private, sensual experience together?”

“I… I thought he trusted me to be in charge of Sewer Bard and Definitely Bad Guy and check out the library,” Qube mumbled. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady leaned against Qube’s side and wrapped her two left arms against her. Her claws dug into Qube’s hips as she gave the half-elf a comforting squeeze.

“And I’m sure he does, my pet. That’s why he picked you to be in charge, rather than one of those silly boys. You’re his second in command and, no matter what he and I have, nothing will change that.” Her two left claws were now rubbing up and down Qube’s back, like one would comfort a small child. It would have been much more soothing if they hadn’t been giant spider claws which dug into Qube’s back rather painfully. Still, Qube appreciated the gesture.

“Thank you, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady,” she said sincerely, as she detangled herself slightly.

“Anytime,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady practically purred.

Qube’s thoughts swirled within her as she tried to absorb all the information she’d just received. So the Chosen One was in love with Sexy Screamy Spider Lady? Was that why he had asked her to find out what her quest was? Was he too shy to ask her directly if her quest was to be with him? That seemed unlikely, but romance was known for making people do strange things. Remembering Slate and Zincy, it was entirely possible that outside of their relationship they were two sensible people. Constructs. Whatever.

Qube knew the basics of romance and love, but she had never had any experience with it. Only the annoying flirting of Quinton, back in the village, and Sewer Bard’s practiced lines. He, at least, seemed to take her more seriously as a Healer now, and had backed off on the ‘delicate flower’ front.

...How was she supposed to ask Sexy Screamy Spider Lady what her quest was?

“Sexy Screamy Spider Lady,” she started, rather hesitantly. “Is it… important to you, to be with the Chosen One? Is it your quest in life?”

Qube internally cringed. Sure, just ask it outright like that. Who needed delicacy and tact?

“No, my dear,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said gently. “While the tender feelings between us are sweet indeed, to have someone’s love be your main goal —” she broke off, all of her faces frowning. “I am not free to give myself over wholly to the pursuit of love..

“Well, yes, we need to save the world,” Qube pointed out.

“That too,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady brushed the fate of the known world aside with a claw. “But I, specifically, have responsibilities that I must one day take up.” Something in her tone shifted, and she suddenly seemed to be focused not on Qube, but rather some point in the distance.

“Our relationship is so important to me, but I am not free to love as I choose. For, you see, I am not just Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, renowned Hunter and loyal companion. I am also the heir to the Thorny Crown, and soon I must take up the trials to see if I am worthy to wear it. I am to be the Dryad Queen’s right hand, the mortal counterpart to her rule. It will be my duty to help guide the Forest Folk, and take on a husband who will protect my body.” All her eyes sparkled with tears. “And any man wishing to become Head Guard will have to take the trials with me. Oh, Chosen One, I could not bear if anything were to happen to you just so we could be together!”

Qube looked over to where the Chosen One was pulling books off of shelves, flipping through them, and then throwing them to the ground in front of an increasingly distressed crowd of incessantly shushing librarians.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll go let the Chosen One know,” Qube said, moved to scuttle off back to her childhood friend.

“Oh no my sweet,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, suddenly back to her normal self. She reached out and grabbed Qube’s shoulders. “I’m not letting you get away that easily.” She dragged Qube towards her.

“Don’t you think it’s time you told me all about your love life?”