LIGHTNOVELONLINE 012
When I was young, I was deeply afraid of my impulses.
I masturbated to my best friend once and couldn't forgive myself for a long time.
Shame. Confusion. Humiliation. Guilt.
'I shouldn't have done that.'
I was deeply mortified at my actions, as if I had committed some kind of horrible crime against humanity.
Inside my mind, homosexuality was a kind of original sin, and there was something distorted about me for having a malfunctioning brain. Some part of me wasn't working normally, and I could only see it as this shameful part of myself. The intense fear lingered over me through the entirety of my childhood and well into adulthood.
I couldn't let anyone know.
I was afraid to touch people because then they might think I was gay.
I balked from casual hugs, rough play, or even handshakes.
Sometimes I felt like there was some kind of disease on my skin, as if a single touch would reveal the ugly truth that I was a secret traitor to my friends. I don't even understand why our society has such an obsession over homosexuality. Men go through monumental efforts to prove their straightness, to the point that everything must be qualified with "no homo". Tribunals converge on the Internet like regular clockwork to debate whether "is it gay?"
Is it wrong to play on virtual reality as a girl?
I try really really hard not to mislead people.
I attempt to tell people that I'm a guy, even if they see me as a woman. Some people are convinced that my personality is feminine, or that I must be inherently transgender. I don't have a strong opinion about my gender identity, so I don't mind being treated either way. However, my heart has always been exclusively attracted to men.
I wish it wasn't so difficult to be born this way.
I am always afraid.
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I cried for a little bit but then eventually calmed down.
@Jasper had stopped moving at some point, but I remained pinned underneath him due to his body weight.
A few sparse droplets of moisture dripped onto the bare skin of my back. After some initial confusion, I eventually realized that they were tears, and they dribbled down the curvature of my shoulder blades like a faint glistening stream of water. They were like random sprinkles of rain droplets on a cloudless summer day, and my first instinct was to wonder where they were coming from.
Then I realized that my master was also crying.
It wasn't nearly as obvious, mainly because he was completely silent.
"Master?"
There was no response.
"Master are you okay?" I whispered, my shaky voice trembling.
@Jasper wasn't moving. He hadn't even pulled out from inside of me, and his broad tattooed arms were like giant stone pillars that formed a prison over my delicate androgynous frame. I couldn't even see him that well due to the way I was positioned with my face buried in a pile of laundry, and my owner was directly on top of me.
I could feel the hot cum leaking down between my legs.
I had no idea if he was still drunk.
"Fuck." He whispered.
His voice sounded different.
"Fuck me. Fuck everything. This is a nightmare." @Jaspered exhaled slowly in mortification.
He seemed to be in total shock about the absurdity of this situation. Clearly, he hadn't meant to do this, and moreover I knew that my master was straight. His feelings for me were completely platonic, and @Jasper saw me as nothing more than a pet. He probably perceived this impulsive sexual act as a mixture between bestiality, homosexuality, and pedophilia. Somehow, he had stumbled into this awful scenario while intoxicated with fury.
It was almost like he had woken up from a horrible dream.
I weakly tried to struggle out from underneath him.
"I'm a fucking asshole. This is why my wife left me. I deserve it. I'm complete trash and a worthless villain. I want to die."
I stopped moving for a moment.
His sudden reversal to vehement self-hatred evoked wrenching feelings of sadness in my heart.
I remembered how @Jasper was standing dangerously close to the edge of a cliff, and his suicidal impulses flipped some kind of switch inside of me. Regardless of everything that happened, I didn't want my master to disappear. I desperately didn't want him to leave.
"You're not a villain to me," I said softly.
"How am I not evil? I've sold countless people into slavery. I'm a murderer, alcoholic, and a scam. I can't support my family or pay for rent. My daughter thinks I'm a wicked criminal who belongs in jail. Even when someone is kind to me, I turn around and throw it back into their face. I raped my own cat and even fucking came from it."
"It's okay, @Jasper."
"It's not okay!" He sounded bleak and agitated.
"It's okay to be angry."
"Not if my anger destroys everything." @Jasper said bitterly. "I have nothing left."
"I'm still here with you. We all need outlets for our emotions."
"How are you not upset? How do you not hate me? I just raped you." My master's words were filled with disbelief.
I felt tears welling spontaneously in my eyes again.
It wasn't that I wasn't upset. I had a lot of feelings from @Jasper's drunken sexual assault and that messy creampie inside my body. In fact, a flurry of complicated emotions were still swirling within me, and they were a mixture of confusion and ambivalent turmoil. In some ways, I wanted it, but in other ways I didn't. Moreover, his sharp words had stung, and they struck at a place that was difficult to dislodge from my heart.
However, regardless of all those things, I didn't want to lose @Jasper.
"I like you." I said softly. "Besides, I'm a masochist. You can rape me if you want."
My master grimaced.
"There's something wrong with you, @Fiie."
I pulled my legs into my torso and curled up.
The sadness in my chest was making my stomach hurt.
"I think anyone who stays on this server for any extended period of time is broken in some way," I said quietly.
"Are you sure that we're not all just breaking each other? All everyone does in this place is hurt one another. The entire point of this game is to make someone else hurt, whether it be through swords, fists, magic, or guns."
"Maybe. But I think I can understand it. Hurting and being hurt are two sides of the same coin."
@Jasper slowly grew silent.
He stared at me curled up naked on the ground, surrounded by glass shards, broken bottles of liquor, and old laundry. It was a scene of devastation, and my skin was bruised in some places where it chafed against fragments of glass. My master's semen continued to drip between my legs, and my eyes were a bit puffy from crying.
Based on appearance alone, it certainly looked like I had been horribly roughed up and raped.
The expression in @Jasper's amber pupils was pained.
Somehow, despite everything that had happened, we finally reached some kind of tenuous resolution.
I was @Jasper's legal property, and small incident like this wasn't going to change my longstanding opinion of him.
Suddenly, the MagiCom receiver on the bedside table started blinking with a red light.
It was an emergency signal that indicated a distress beacon was nearby.
In fact, there were multiple distress beacons.
The two of us stared at it.
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