Pathbreakers: Multiclassing For Fun And Profit

Time left until monsters respawn: 4 hours, 52 minutes.

Again we have to emergency stop the escalator and climb down the stairs. As we descend I note that the whole electronics department is set up like a maze, with walls of TVs, records, DVDs, books, video games and other electronics.

This is the first time we actually got an advantage taking on this dungeon ass-backwards. We're going from the end of 5th floor down to the beginning at the 1st floor. Usually in video games there are shortcuts back from later areas to early areas. In this case it wasn't a shortcut, but the massive advantage of being able to see the layout of the maze. I'm sure if you'd gone through here normally you'd look back and say “ohhhhh, that's where we went the wrong way!” We can just skip the wrong way entirely.

When we get to the floor, we look around, on guard. Jose sweeps left and right with his gun, I have one hand full of knife, another hand ready to magic the shit out of anything hostile.

The maze's white walls are 15 feet tall, almost to the 20 foot or so ceiling. The familiar fluorescent lighting illuminates the area. The TVs that dot the walls are of all sizes. The area is surprisingly well maintained. The shelves are neat and orderly. The glass case with the laptops in it is... Being broken into by Jose.

I call “Dammit Jose,” after the crash of glass.

“What?” he turns back to me. “My kids need these for school.” He turns back and starts to grab a laptop when I stop him.

“At least get the good ones, these here. Don't get fucking net books.”

He nods and grabs the MSI gaming laptop. It disappears into his inventory as if it were never there. He grabs the next two I point out, thanks me, and we start on our way in earnest.

We get to the first turn and take cover there. I peek around the corner. There's a beach ball sized electrical spark jumping between TVs. It looks like a cartoon version of electricity. Bright yellow, large black eyebrows, two white circles with black dot pupils, and a mouth that's just a triangle, permanently open in a mocking pose. I scan and get its name.

“Jose,” I say, “Watt Elementals.”

“I don't know, what elementals?”

“Watt Elementals.”

“I dunno, what?”

“Just look.”

He looks. “Oh. Looks like the mascot in the corporate safety videos.”

“Wanna try hot lead and if that doesn't work, we start getting improvisational?”

Jose shrugs and pops out from behind cover just enough to fire a round into our current enemy. It does nothing. The Watt Elemental turns to us, its unmoving, yet angry face somehow even more angry. It lets out a high pitched buzzing sound and charges at us.

I have a backup plan which may or may not backfire. I clench my fist and say “Fluid Fist.” Water seems to pop like a bubble around my right hand and then flow over my forearm until it's covered in a 1 inch layer of azure blue water. I wave my hand back and forth and the water wobbles, tracking a split second after I move. Neat.

Mr zappy closes on us, flying in an erratic pattern reminiscent of a lightning bolt's jagged line. He gets to the corner and I reach out and touch him with my watery glove. This, I realize, is effective but also moronic. A sharp, burning sensation courses through my veins. I can feel every muscle in my hand twitching at once. The pain is excruciating, and then over. I think my brain hurt too.

Yes brain hurt. Bad guy explode, poof. He gone. Drop... Nothing? “Ow.” I say. Jose hold me up. Was I just falling over? Yeah, a bit. My legs feel like rubber. “Oh, okay, yeah that sucked balls.”

I regain control of my body but the stinging sensation in my hand lingers. It's throbbing red. I don't have any ice, so I eat a health recovery beef jerky stick. Nothing happens. I scan the jerky.

Boy's Jerky

“This is just regular damn jerky!” and I spitefully throw the remainder of the meat stick to the ground. I rummage in my messenger bag until I find another jerky.

Healing Boy's Jerky. Recovers HP, especially effective against muscle damage.

Huh. That's more info than I usually get. I close my eyepatch, check my menus and sure enough, the last jerky sent System Scan to 100% proficiency. I try scanning some other stuff.

M3 Combat Knife With Mongoose enchantment. Deals double damage to snakes.

Colt Python revolver. This handgun was created by the Get! Dungeon and is ineligible for a refund.

Donut's Collar. A pink collar fit for a princess. It enhances your jumping prowess threefold.

“Hey my System Scan got upgraded. Was there anything we couldn't figure out?” Jose pulls out a few things.

Full Body Hi-Vis Slash Resistant Armor. Expands to cover the entire body. Low resistance to slashing, light and dark damage.

Bifork Tusk Spear. While piercing a target, the target's body weight is reduced by half, allowing you to lift and throw them with ease, assuming you're not a weak ass punk.

Shoelace Bullwhip. Shoe snakes struck by this whip will be tied up in their own laces for 10 seconds.

I shake my head with regret. “Damn the whip would have made fighting the shoe snakes really easy.”

Jose shakes his head in disagreement. “Nah, neither of us could use it.”

I shrug, tell him about the other items, and say “Let's continue.”

We come to a T intersection and thanks to the escalator view I know we go right. Jose goes left. “Dude,” I whisper “this way.”

“Nah, we gotta go this way.” Jose must be onto something. He's not usually so pushy. And yeah, for him this counts as pushy.

I follow and we come to a dead end but I see exactly why we're here. “Woah,” I utter, as we stare into the largest TV I've ever seen. It's a goddamn 97 inch LG OLED 4K TV. Thing runs for tens of thousands of dollars. “We didn't carry this in the old store.” I scan it even though I know exactly what it is because Jose and I have debated splitting the cost of one for the last 6 months.

Screen Siren. This creature lures in unsuspecting prey with its HDR color pallet and then kills with its summoned Watt Elementals.

“Oh fuck! Jose this is a trap!” I try to pull my friend away but he's rooted in place. “It's a mimic or some shit!”

I hear a crackling of static to my left and right and glance to see a Watt Elemental forming to each side. The big screen is now showing a hypnotic black and white spiral pattern. “Fluid Fist!” I summon the water glove again and this time I raise my hand towards the elemental and close my fist. Nothing happens. The spell says it can fire the fist off as a ranged attack. “Rocket Punch!” Nothing. “Fluid Fist?”

The elemental closes in. If I slap it again I'll be disabled and this mimic siren bastard will kill us both. I duck as the creature tries to dive bomb me. It grazes Jose and he gets shocked and drops to the floor. The second elemental takes a run at me and I desperately try to just shoo it away. I flip my hand back and the Fluid Fist flies in that direction. It makes contact with the elemental and with a sizzle and popping sound the fist loses shape and dumps water to the ground while the monster disappears.

I cast Fluid Fist again and leap out of the way of another charge by the first elemental. After he whizzes past me I fling my watery attack at it and it splats and dissipates him. I turn to the big screen.

Wow, that is a big ass screen. And it's soooo pretty. And man, that spiral sure is animated at a super high frame rate. What's the refresh on this thing, 144 hz? Wow. What a TV. It's like a work of art on its own. If I could just-

Blam! A round from the revolver cracks the screen dead center. A pus oozes out of the cracks, shifting in color between red, blue and green. Ew.

“Thanks.” Jose thanked me? Wow this is a special occasion.

“It's our job to keep each other alive,” I say, and take his outstretched hand to help pull him off the floor. His prosthetic foot works great when Jose is upright but he has trouble getting up.

We look around and Jose sends two 47 inchers to his inventory. Not a damn 97 inch TV, but they'll be good for the kids.

We continue. We encounter two groups of Watt Elementals down the path. These I ambush so I can take out one right away and then we dodge until I can take out the others with Fluid Fist. I do try a couple other spells, but Fluid Fist is a one hit KO on these things so I stick to it. Might as well scan one while I'm at it.

Watt Elemental. The lowest form of electric elemental. A summoned creature, does not drop items. Weak to earth and water damage. Absorbs electric damage. Immune to physical attacks.

We proceed until we hear a very loud “Get It, Got It, Good!” down a side path we're definitely not taking. Jose starts taking that path.

“Dude, again, no!” I say.

Jose moves slowly forward to the loud voice. “This is different,” he says. He has his gun at the ready. He has a feeling, or he knows something. Something his gun might work against. I go and back him up.

We turn the corner and come face to face with a floating corpse made of electronics. The finger and foot bones are a myriad of USB sticks. Its leg and arm bones are power strips with power cords acting like muscles. Its spine seems to be made of a boom arm for a podcast recording microphone. The pelvis is two Xbox series S(es) and it's ribcage is a splayed apart PS5. For a skull it uses a replica Master Chief helmet. And draped around its body like plates of armor are various DVDs and Blu-Rays. Vin Diesel scowls at me from the creature's right shoulder.

I quickly scan it.

Electro-Lich. A hybrid robot/undead, created from the soul of a sorcerer and the body of consumer entertainment. Immune to electricity.

Surrounding the Lich are half a dozen Watt Elementals. Surrounding all of them are three big screens. The Electro-Lich turns to us and raises a hand in our direction. The visor of the helmet lights up and we hear “Master Chief, Earth needs you!” in the voice of Cortana, the blue AI lady from the Halo series. Then purple electricity crackles down its body from the helmet, into its arm and it fires a lightning bolt at Jose.

Jose takes the lightning straight on and shudders, then crumples to the floor. I immediately toss my M3 knife at the Lich, which gets buried in Vin Diesel's head. I have no idea if that did anything but I don't care. I just needed both hands free to drag Jose out of there.

I grab my friend and pull him back around the corner. He's alive. I leave him for a second, call forth a Fluid Fist, and pop out to fire it at the nearest Watt. It got uncomfortably close but still gets extinguished. I get back around the corner. Jose is coming to. I call another fist and ready my attack. Two Watts turn the corner, with three more close behind. Jose rolls out of the way as one goes for him, then he gets in a crouch and, with the power of the cat bracelet, leaps up to the top of the wall. He's still kept a grip on his gun. That's a real Ranger for you.

I pop the next elemental but then have to backpedal. They're swarming me and Fluid Fist is too slow. Unless I can... Yeah, I cast Fluid Fist on each arm and then fire off two wet slaps to neutralize two Watts at once. Jose is moving along the top of the wall back towards the Lich. He has to move in a low crouch due to the top of the wall being so close to the ceiling.

I make two more fists and finish two more elementals. Then I hear the firing of Jose's revolver and know he's engaging the Lich. I sprint around the corner and see a forked bolt of purple electrical energy light up the entire wall Jose is standing on. He's already leaping down, firing two rounds as he falls, looking, to be totally honest, like a fucking badass.

I throw a Fluid Fist at the Lich but he/it twirls a whip of electricity with his left hand, batting the water away. Fine then. Jose empties two more shots into the helmet which cracks in half. Inside is a goddamn human brain. I pull a Shadow Stab into the thing's floating foot, then, holding the Stab there, use my other hand to cast Shadow Stab again, this time using the darkness of the first Stab as the point of origin for the attack. This second Stab punches through the Lich's spine above the waist and its legs and Xbox pelvis fall to the floor.

Jose spins backwards 5 feet behind me and I hear him reloading. The Lich flies up above us and charges purple lightning in both hands. I feel Jose grab my collar and leap backwards. His enhanced jumping power pulls us 10 feet back. We narrowly evade a cage of electric death that leaves dozens of scorch marks on the floor.

My head suddenly feels like it's about to split apart. How did I use that many spells? Never mind. Jose's bullets have spilled onto the floor. I look at the human brain inside the helmet and know what I need to do. I pull a Fire Bat and then run my hand along its length to coat it with the tarnished gold Ki of Dirtbag's Enhancement.

I dash forward with the weapon in my left hand. Using Lunge with each step I reach the Lich in seconds and thrust the flaming, gold tinged tip of the bat at the head of our foe. Lancing Stride triggers, lending me more force. I leap into the air to land the hit on the flying Electro-Lich. The bat slams into the exposed brain and it explodes into flames, quickly becoming a torch inside the helmet. The bat gets lodged in the crack so I let it go as I fall to the ground.

The bat looks like the horn of a demon, the helmet now engulfed in fire. The Lich wheels around, trying to claw its USB fingers at me. It flies erratically, and we hear a badly distorted “It's it's it's time to f-f-f-inish the fiiiiiiiiiightttt.” Finally the monster collapses, leaving a burning pile of electronics behind.

Jose walks over and empties three rounds into the helmet, which causes the body to fade out and loot to fade in. My knife clatters to the floor and I snag it. Then I hold my head as it throbs in pain. I feel dampness in my right ear. I reach over and to my horror it's blood. What the crap is going on? I close my eyes and check my menus. To my surprise, at the top of the main menu is a new option: Conditions.

Current Condition(s):

Fatigue, lesser. All your reactions are slowed somewhat.

Arcana Burn. Your Arcana Points have slipped into the negative. You will suffer mental damage until you rise to at least 0 AP.

“Well Jose,” I say between clenched teeth. “Good news is you can go negative if you use too much AP. Probably works with Ki too. Bad news is that it sucks.”

He pops open a can of Dr. Pepper and hands it to me. “Oh yeah, those recover AP. Thanks.” I chug it and immediately feel relief. We each down a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and we're all good.

The Electro-Lich's loot is a pile of Sacagaweas and a small yellow gemstone.

Electric Alignment Gem, Small. Shifts your elemental alignment one step towards electricity and away from water and earth.

Interesting. What's elemental alignment all about?

Elemental alignment dictates your defenses against and power when using each of the elements. Your current alignments are all neutral.

Alright, thanks computer. I hand the gem to Jose. “No idea how you use it, but you probably should.”

He looks at it. “What, like eat it?”

“Probably not?” I say hesitantly. He just pockets the gem.

I look around at the alcove to see if there's any other treasure and “HOLY SHIT MAN!” I rush over to the side of the dead end, which is covered in cardboard. I realize that's not just any cardboard, it's the side of a box a TV comes in. “It's the damn 97 inch LG OLED 4K TV! And... There's two boxes...” I begin to tear up.

Jose comes over and double checks that yes, these are boxes for 97 inch LG OLED 4K TVs and yes, they seem to be in there. And he tears up too. We hug. We both cry tears of joy. We dance for a minute. We laugh, and then we each pick up one corner of a TV so it counts as ‘in hand’ for the inventory system, and then each of us have a damn 97 inch LG OLED 4K TV in our inventories.

As I wipe away the tears of joy I say what we're both thinking. “All the pain, all the deaths, all the violence. It was all worth it.”