Paladins of the Pickle Goddess

Katla was on her knees with a pry-bar, trying to remove the bronze squid from the front door. Any other day, it would have been severely sacrilegious. In this case, it just seemed a little inefficient. She was clearly not making any progress. The door was covered in scratch marks from the pry-bar. The lock had been ignored. Had she already failed at using the lockpicking set? I stared for a moment before approaching. I took a deep breath. I would be pleasant. I would be approachable. I would get through that door, no matter what.

“Need some help?” I called, wading halfway through one of the streams that separated us from the main door.

I saw her freeze. “I don't want to work with you.”

I held up the apple butter. “I come with a bribe!”

I had thought Vita was lying- she was, after all, obviously desperate (and probably still drunk from Apis’s ‘medicine’). Yet Katla actually hesitated.

“Is that-”

“Apple butter!” I shook it. “It’s only available for a short time! Let us on the mission, or I throw it in the stream!”

Apis leaned in. “Do we really have to throw it in the stream? It was very good.”

I stopped yelling for long enough to mutter back, “I’m trying to get results, here.”

“We’ll stab it, too!” shouted Duran. “Stab it dead! While it’s in the river!”

I leaned over to him. “Less enthusiastic. We’re losing her.” Sure enough, she’d gone back to trying to pry off the bronze squid. What was she trying to achieve? Angering the goddess enough she'd open the door just to stop it? I cleared my throat. “Take it or leave it! This is a one-time offer! Vita was reluctant to let go of even this! Stock is low!”

“What do I care what a little girl thinks!” Katla snarled. But her hands loosened on the pry-bar.

“I bet you need help with that! Looks like you’ll only be able to remove the squid if someone else holds it steady. Have you been trying to remove it all day?”

“None of your business!”

“Just because we all go inside doesn’t mean we have to work together while we’re in there. We only want you to help us on the first leg! We wouldn’t even have to talk!”

“What do you know of the temple. For all you know, we’d be stuck together.”

“Then I promise I’ll do my best to stay away from you, Oh Lady Independent,” I said. “You could eat your apple butter all alone.”

For some reason, this at last convinced her. She dropped her pry-bar and met us where we were emerging from the stream. “You promise you’ll leave me alone once I’m in there?”

“Yes,” I said. I held the apple butter back from her grasping fingers. “You’re not exactly friendly anyway. I just need past the locked door, and you’re the only one with the tools for it.”

Katla glanced over her shoulder to the squid, tentacle curled around the lock. “You’re right,” she said, reluctant. She snatched the apple butter out of my hand and tucked it into her cloak. “I do need help getting the squid off. If I get the door open, you’ll get yourself through. I won’t guarantee how long it’ll stay open.”

I drew the short straw. I was stuck with a pry-bar, avoiding eye contact with Katla, while Duran and Apis went to pack and inform the rest of our crew that we were descending into the temple as quickly as we could manage. The bronze made a horrible squealing noise as we tried to pry it off, aiming for tentacle after tentacle. This temple had clearly once been lovingly maintained. There were no spots of tarnish on the brass, other than a few edges that were clearly new. I aimed for the top of the squid’s head, pry-bar dancing off.

“Try harder,” snarled Katla.

“Oh, thank you. Previously, I wasn’t trying, but now I’ll do my best.”

“Are you laughing at me?”

“I just think you ought to appreciate my help.” I smashed the bar into the bottom of the squid’s head and finally found purchase. The metal squealed- it didn’t come forward. It rotated sideways. I could feel tiny nails giving way as we pushed it away. Small cogs were being revealed, hidden behind the intricate carving. This was why she was prying it off, it seemed; the lock itself was too challenging for her, perhaps?

“You’re the one that offered,” she grunted out. We were both pushing as hard as we could, fighting against the solid oak and metal. Another squeal of metal.

It released all at once. I fell forward. Katla, under me, cushioned my fall. After a moment, I pushed myself up. I found myself strangely cheered. At least she was useful for something. Katla glared up at me, rumpled and glasses askew. “You could have tried to fall elsewhere.”

I rolled over and pushed myself up. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” Next time I break and enter, I’ll make sure to ask someone else. “Why did you even come here, anyway? You don’t strike me as the… religious type.”

She pushed her cloak back into order, the many pockets clinking loudly. “I’m here for a scientific investigation. I was separated from my group partway into the temple. I must rejoin them.”

“…oh. What, ah, kind of science?”

“You wouldn’t understand.” She pushed her glasses up, re-tied her hair, and removed a massive pouch from one of her pockets. How she kept that cloak on, I had no idea. With the removal of a tie, it unfurled to remove a variety of tools- locksmithing tools.

“You know how to pick locks?”

“It cannot be that hard,” she said, gazing down at the many tools. “Now that I have access to all of the inner workings, be prepared to continue without your friends. I suspect that the door will close behind us shortly after we enter, and I will not wait for them once the door is open.”

I stayed and watched as the sun rose from mid-morning to noon. She was still struggling with the tools.

"I could give it a try," I offered.

She used one of her hands to give me a rude gesture behind her back. If I had any skill in lockpicking, I would have taken them from her anyway and told her she was an insolent child for that matter. As it was, I just readjusted my cloak and squinted across the river. If she wanted to hurt her hands trying to pick the lock, she might as well. At least I'd only paid apple butter for the waste of time.

“Not, ah, going so well?” Apis had arrived with food for all of us and a bright smile. Katla gave him a scowl in return. At a scowl from her, he pulled me aside, offering a pickle and some honey-covered flatbreads from Duran, who had apparently stopped in their ‘rushed packing’ to cook. I took a bite of flatbread. It was actually edible.

“I can't believe those people gave her their tools. I think she's trying to bludgeon it from the inside.” I glanced over at where Katla was swearing under her breath. “Do you know how to pick locks?”

He shook his head. “Herminius and Vita should be on their way. Maybe they know.”

A nobleman and a farmer’s daughter. The chances of either of them knowing were approximately zero. “Well,” I said, “At least we only wasted a jar of apple butter. Maybe we can try climbing into a skylight again tomorrow. Find some better rope.”

I took another bite of flatbread. Behind me, Katla swore again- I was learning a lot of new words in the northern dialect- before there was a loud clicking and sliding noise. She shrieked. “I got it!”

“You got it?”

“She actually got it?” Apis peered over my shoulder. The flatbread dangled loosely in his fingers; I rescued it before it fell into the dirt.

“She got it!” Duran jumped forward. “Get everything! Let’s go!”

I turned, staring across the stream. “What about the others?”

“Who cares about the others?” He grabbed at my elbow. “We’re going, aren’t we?”

Suddenly I was remembering all of our responsibilities. I hadn’t expected this to work. “What about the bees?”

“I left them with those students, the ones on a group trip.” said Apis. He leaned down to pick up a large backpack. He handed another to me. When had we gotten backpacks? Had I paid for that? “They were excited about honey. I’m… fairly sure they won’t be stung. A lot, anyway.” He shrugged. “Besides, Faustinia is there. She can supervise.”

Well, that was reassuring.

I glanced towards the stream again, then towards the door. Katla was already gone. She’d taken the locksmithing tools with her. The door had slid sideways and back into the wall. It was making clicking noises. I swallowed. Beyond was only darkness. “What about a-”

“I’ve got the lantern!” Duran held up a very nice gas lamp. I recognized it from One Horse Inn.

“Did you steal that? Where were you even keeping it?” I should have supervised our cart more closely.

"It's not stealing if it's my inheritance, is it?"

Across the steam, two figures had appeared. On crutches, limping, was Vita. Next to her, seeming concerned, wearing a very fancy cloak and holding three bags, was Herminius.

When I turned back to the temple, a sliver of the door had re-emerged. It was closing. Slowly, but surely. I could hear more clicking and, a little concerningly, what sounded like wood breaking. There was a creaking and a cracking that didn't seem to be part of planned operations.

“Come on!” Duran dragged me forward. I hesitated, then glanced around. How could I slow it? My eyes stopped on the rounded merlon from Vita's fall. It hadn't been moved since our inspection the other day. It looked solid- and yet we might be able to roll it...

“Apis, some help here!”

Apis, for his credit, realized what I was doing at once. With two of us helping, the merlon rolled. It took all of my effort to shove it forward, sticks cracking underneath the half-carved remnants of tentacles.

With another cracking of wood, the door closed incrementally. The boulder made a loud, squealing, creak as the old cogs tried to crush it.

The stone won. The door stopped moving.

There was cracking. The door trembled. I could hear the clicking of gears, the pushing. The temple was dissatisfied.

There was a snap of a match. Behind me, the lantern sprung to life.

In front of us, only a narrow column of light remained. Herminius stepped through first, careful. Then he extended a hand and helped Vita through, her crutches unsteady over the obstacle.

Below us were even paved stones. Beyond us were branching corridors. In the flickering lamp-light I could see a massive statue of a woman, her lower half a squid’s tentacles. Her face looked judgmental, eyes half-lidded. Her hands were outstretched, like she was expecting a donation.

“Finally,” said Duran, lifting the lantern up so we could look at the maze further. “A squid statue.”

“At least we have an escape route,” I said, looking between the statue and the sliver of sunlight that remained. I didn’t like the chill of air that gusted out, the howling of wind that came from deeper in the temple. “Weren’t there tests we had to finish? Do you think those still work?”

“The maze should still work,” said Vita. “It’s just a test of intelligence. As for the inner two circles, those are secret. Only known to those who pass. So I suppose we’ll find out!”

I didn’t like that. Did I really need to find Durandus the first? I turned back to the door, hesitating. It wasn’t so bad outside. I could supervise the bees! Someone had to.

As if it could hear me thinking, the merlon trembled. The cogs were trying to increment further closed again. I stepped forward like I could stop it, but my movement was useless.

With further squealing, it rolled forward. Just a hair's breadth. I put a hand out towards it like I could stop it. Beyond it, I could see trees waving in the wind. Autumn leaves waving. The hint of a blue sky. The merlon trembled once more.

Why had we put something round to stop the mechanism?

There was the sound of stone against wood, a creaking and a cracking. Then, like it had been released from a slingshot, the carved merlon shot out at top speed towards our ankles. I jumped. Duran dodged. Apis was already well clear, and Herminius was halfway down the hallway, inspecting the statue of Teuthida.

The boulder rammed right into Vita’s ankles. She went down like a sack of bricks with a solid thump and a groan. In front of me, the temple door slammed shut.

There was no more sunlight. Only the flickering of Duran’s lantern.

“At least there’s stew waiting for us at the other doorway,” he offered.