Only Realized After Losing You

22. I’m In Hell Now

Hayden had felt that way previously.

When he saw a man wearing white riding pants that were clinging to their thighs, he felt unbearably excited.

I thought about it.

Lennon was wearing white trousers today.

The horse we were riding with had gone about five times around the garden when one of the Duke’s servants approached us.

Lennon skillfully brought the horse to a stop with a “whoa”.

He helped me dismount and then had a brief conversation with the servant.

I could hear bits of their conversation as I was standing near them, and judging from what I heard, someone was coming soon.

When Lennon finished talking to the attendant, he finally turned to look at me.

The servant, having finished his task, turned and walked away.

“Ah, what should I do? I’m afraid my guest scheduled for today is arriving a little early.”

Lennon expressed his disappointment.

“I have about 10 minutes to spare. It’s a shame, but let’s talk for 10 minutes.”

“… … .”

“Of course, I’ll be the only one talking.”

Lennon chuckled softly, probably thinking what he said was funny.

I poked Lennon in the elbow with my fingertip as he laughed.

Lennon asked with a smirk on his face.

“Why, lady, is there something you want to say?”

I conveyed the message I wanted to him by mouthing words.

‘Are you in love with someone right now?’

That was the question I wanted to ask Lennon for a while now.

It was a question I’d been curious about ever since I remembered Hayden, who said he fell in love when he saw someone riding a horse.

“‘Is there someone you love?’ You asked this, right?”

I nodded.

Lennon suddenly let out a deep, sad sigh.

In his slightly lowered eyelids, there was a melancholic look in his eyes that met mine.

“I’m in hell now.”

Hell?

I tilted my head.

Lennon continued.

“What is hell? It is the pain of not being able to love anyone anymore.”

There was an inexplicable bitterness in Lennon’s voice as he said that.

He sounded as if he was suffering, tormented by his inability to love anyone.

“It comes from a book I read a while ago. I can’t love anyone now.”

I gasped again.

‘… Me too. Same hell.’

Love was a word that was very distant from me.

Lennon, who couldn’t love anyone, and me, who didn’t know what love was.

And Hayden, who was suffering from a terrible love fever.

Lennon raised his hand and pressed it against the top of my head.

“I hope you get out of there too.”

I pointed my finger at him.

It was a hand gesture that asked ‘will you ever get out of hell?’

But Lennon did not give an answer to that question.

He just smiled.

As if he had a premonition that he would never escape from that hell.

“It’s been 10 minutes.”

* * *

As I opened the front door and stepped into my house, I felt like I had returned to a reality I had briefly forgotten.

The musty smell of wood. A dark house with the lights almost out.

That was my reality.

Enjoying leisurely horseback riding, saying unfamiliar things to each other, and occasional blushing were things that did not fit my reality.

I was just about to go up to the second floor, keeping my footsteps quiet, as was my habit.

But then I heard someone talking inside the house that I thought was empty.

I couldn’t hear the conversation clearly.

However, I occasionally heard my father’s laughter and voice.

Has my father, who I haven’t seen for several days, returned?

Instead of going up the stairs, I crept towards the sound of the conversation.

Then, a single light appeared, cutting through the pitch-black darkness.

It was the light leaking from under the crack in the door of my father’s tightly closed room.

I put my ear close to the door.

Then the unusual conversation crept into my ears.

“… Is it possible to make one blind without any defects on the outside?”

That was my father’s question.

The other person answered.

“Well, if the eyeball is carefully removed, there may be no visible defects. Ah, I’m going too far. I suppose medication may cause eyesight to gradually decline.”

How to make someone blind.

Why is my father receiving advice about such things from someone?

Who does he want to blind?

The answer came quickly.

My eyes.

He wants to take away my sight.

The tip of my chin trembled slightly.

I was terrified.

It was the most intense fear I had ever experienced in my life.

The sweet serenity I felt when I was with Lebrado and Lennon disappeared in an instant.

Nevertheless, I focused a little more on their conversation.

“How much money will it cost?”

“Well, the drugs are quite expensive. However, surgery to remove the eye does not cost much, at least not as much as the drugs.”

My father was a person who was very sensitive to money.

It occurred to me that he would definitely choose the one that cost less.

“Then are there drugs that make you unable to speak at all?”

“Sure. There are drugs that destroy vocal cords.”

“Hmm, I see. Is it possible to have surgery to remove the eye as soon as tomorrow?”

“Of course. Haha.”

The person my father was talking to was laughing cheerfully.

As if removing someone’s eyeballs was fun to him.

I felt a chill run down my spine.

I also immediately knew whose vocal cords my father wanted to destroy.

I raised my hands and wrapped them around my neck.

My neck.

My vocal cords.

My father wants to make me completely speechless.

He wants to create an Ellie who is completely unable to speak, rather than an Ellie who has gotten so used to not speaking that she has lost her voice.

I took a couple of hesitant steps back.

There was only one thought running through my head.

… I have to run away.

I didn’t know what my father would do to me if I stayed here any longer.

It was clear that my father had made a lot of money recently through Hayden, Lennon and Lebrado.

The father who enjoyed a lot of money and was consumed by greed was not the father I knew.

In the past, my father, who I wanted praise from as a child, did not directly harm me.

On the contrary, he sometimes looked at me with warmth.

As time passed, I realized that my father’s greed would grow more and more.

I didn’t know that I would lose my sight, my voice, and eventually my arms and legs.

In the end, my ears might be the only part of my body that could function properly.

I would become a beautiful doll made only to listen.

That was my father’s ultimate wish and my miserable description.

There were no tears.

Maybe I didn’t even have time to shed tears and be sad.

It was at that moment that someone took my hand.

“… … !”

The hands that touched each mine were firm and cold.

I jerked my head back, startled, and saw a familiar robe.

With his other hand, he took off the hood he was wearing on his hand.

His face was fully revealed.

It was a beautiful, yet somehow sad face.

The man spoke in a low voice.

“Shh.”

There’s nothing I can say anyway.

“… Come with me, please.”

He led me by the hand he held.

I followed him out of the house.

* * *

After coming out of the house, we stopped at the flower garden.

The man said to me,

“The flower garden is beautiful.”

Ah. How hard have I worked on it?

One could say that taking care of the flower garden was the only reason for my life.

However, I soon had to say goodbye to the flower garden that I worked hard to maintain everyday, whether it rained or snowed.

Because I had to leave this place.

That’s when I noticed the disparity in the middle of the flower garden.

It was the only part of the garden where no flowers were planted.

It was also the place where my older sister had made a mess with her knees a few days earlier.

I looked at that place for a long time.

“… Are you okay?”

I twisted my gaze and looked at him standing next to me.

He looked so cold like he didn’t seem to care about flowers, but he stood there without stepping on any of the flowers in the garden.

It made the sight of him awkwardly treading the ground a bit comical.

I nodded belatedly.

“I didn’t mean to, but I ended up overhearing a little bit.”

He probably came to see me for another purpose, and it seemed like he had overheard my father’s terrible plan.

Removing someone’s eyeballs, taking away someone’s voice…

He, too, would have figured out immediately who the subject was.

His silver eyes that met mine were full of pity.

Those eyes were similar to the eyes I used to look at him.

Hayden. His name lingered in my mouth.

Hayden who had thought about killing himself because he couldn’t tell anyone he liked men.

How did I view Hayden now?

He spoke in a thoughtful voice.

“I will help you get out of here.”