Nova Wars

FOR PUBLIC RELEASE

FROM: UNIFIED LANAKTALLAN GOVERNMENT SERVICES (LEGACY)

TO: SENIOR EXECUTOR COVERT ACTION AGENT YU'UMO'O

SUBJECT: WARRANT FOR ARREST

Agent Yu'umo'o, you have been charged with destabilizing the government of an allied nation, possibly causing a re-engagement of hostilities with a formidable military power. This has put the Lanaktallan governments and people at great risk following a mere forty-thousand years of peace and prosperity.

Your attempt at assassinating government agents of a friendly government, to include but not limited to, Hamburger Kingdom Senator Ya'ahrd, as well as attempts at destabilizing governments to include, but not limited to The Hamburger Kingdom, Mapleland, Vodkatrog Empire, and Azatlan, has put the Lanaktallan peoples and governments as well as society in great danger.

As such, you are being subject to arrest, confinement, and delivery to the Unified Lanaktallan Services for arraignment and trial. Should you resist, proportionate response will be applied, up to and including lethal measures.

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FROM: THE OFFICE OF THE HONORABLE HAMBURGER KINGDROM SERVANT SENATOR BA'AHNYA'AHRD

TO: THAT PLOTTING HAS-BEEN YU'UMO'O

SUBJECT: LOL

LOL

--BA'AHNYA'AHRD

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The Lanaktallan's arms were pulled uncomfortably behind his back and he had shackles around his ankles as he shuffled from the starport terminal and toward the black space ship awaiting on the tarmac. Surrounding him were multiple guards from Lanaktallan Government Services, the LGS troopers in heavy armor and armed with heavy weaponry.

Right before he reached the stairs leading up onto the starship there was a loud thudding.

The guards yanked on his collar, forcing him to stop.

Around the corner of the huge terminal ran a massive robot, at least fifty meters tall, shaped like a Lanaktallan. It had on a vest of red, white, yellow, and blue, a long flowing powdered wig, and pistols in all four hands. It skidded to a stop roughly a hundred meters from the starship and reared up, pawing its front hooves in the air.

"SUCK IT, YU'UMO'O!" the massive robot roared out, firing the pistols with all four hands, causing fireworks to erupt from the end of the barrels and shoot into the sky, where they detonated to form the Hamburger Kingdom flag.

The Lanaktallan's head dropped in shame as the robot began running in place while pumping it's arms. Music sounded out.

"Standing in front of the mirror!" roared out as the robot slowly turned in place, still running in place and pumping its arms, bobbing its head. It deployed mortar tubes.

"My skin's never been clearer!" the mortar tubes fired off, sparkling trails arcing over the tarmac.

"My smile's never been whiter!" the shells went off, raining down credit chits, action figures, coupons for free food and drink, and posters of Yu'umo'o being arrested with "LOOOOOOSER!" stamped on it.

"I look so good without you!" sounded out as the robot suddenly stood up on its hind legs and kept dancing, still firing the guns in the air.

"Got me a new hairdo!" it shook its head, causing the powdered white wig to wave in the wind.

The guards made the prisoner watch the entire dance, for the entirety of the song. It ended with "SUCK IT, YU'UMO'O!" with the giant robot standing on its hind legs, feet spread out, left hands on its left hip and right hands pointed up at a forty-five degree angle in what was known to be the most dominating dance pose in the known universe.

The robot exploded, raining down gifts and prizes on everyone at the starport. An LED portrait of Ba'ahnya'a'rd gazed down at the crowd that had gathered with "VOTE EARLY! VOTE OFTEN!" underneath.

The crowd cheered.

Yu'umo'o was escorted into the spaceship as the crowd took up the chant.

"BA'AHN-YA'AHRD! BA'AHN-YA'AHRD!"

Yu'umo'o paused at the airlock, struggling, managing to face outward.

"CURSE YOU, BA'AHNYA'AHRD!" Yu'umo'o shouted before the security agents

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The crowd was excited as the breeze waved the grass of the Great Galloping Plains of the Central Hamburger Kingdom. Lanaktallan mingled with Red Plains Warriors in traditional dress of denim pants and checkered flannel shirts, Treana'ad cattle ranchers, Pubvian range riders, Mantid tourists, Rigellian females dressed as saloon girls leading around wide eyed duck and excited ducklings, Telkan Posse Riders, and all sorts of citizens and tourists.

A huge curtain was set up in two locations, circular and hiding whatever was inside. Music played loud enough to be heard for miles in every direction. There were singers, clowns, magicians, dancers, and all sorts of entertainers around. There were signs showing Ba'ahn Ya'arhd's smiling face with "VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN!" underneath it. The Lanaktallan working at the booths handed out sickers, fridge and vehicle magnets, action figures (including the incredibly popular Chrome Cortez action figure, with real Kung-Fu Grip!), hats, torso sashes, flank coverings, even assless chaps.

The crowd cheered when the music changed to the oh-so impressive "Imperial March" played by a full orchestra and a shuttle dropped out of the sky. A few people fired off surface to air missiles out of appreciation for the occupant of the shuttle, and everyone cheered when the missiles exploded in mid-air in a cloud of red, blue, yellow, and white smoke when the shuttle's point defense destroyed them.

"I AM BA'AHN YA'AHRD, YOUR INTELLECTUAL, MORAL, POLITICAL, SOCIAL, AND MONETARY SUPERIOR!" roared out from the shuttle as it landed.

The crowd cheered, more than a few firing off weapons.

The side dropped and ninjas ran out with swords, stopping at the bottom of the ramp to swing their swords, the blades flashing in the sunlight. They backflipped and vanished into clouds of smoke, making the crowd scream in delight. Chrome Cortez marched down, the sunlight glinting off of his cybernetics.

One by one, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd's staff marched off the shuttle until finally, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd himself came running down the gangplank.

The Senator was immediately surrounded by members of the press, who all thrust the microphones forward and shouted questions, flycams zooming in for the best shot.

"Senator! Senator! Is it true that you had involvement in the Ha'akumup Weapon Industrialite Scandal?" one reporter shouted.

The Lanaktallan Senator laughed and smiled at the reporter. "Of course I did. I knew that they would be losing their weapons contract, that's why I sold off all the stock I owned before the decision went public. That's why their stock crashed. I then purchased it at rock bottom prices, knowing they were about to be granted the contract to produce new weapon systems for the Iron Dominion Security Forces, making an excellent profit."

He snorted and motioned at his fine suit and elaborate flowing powdered white wig.

"Do you honestly think I could afford such finery on a public servant's meager salary?" he laughed.

Other reporters pushed forward.

"Senator, you were recently seen with the singer Daw'lee Pahrtune, is it true you are having an affair?" a reporter asked.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd pantomimed juggling large globes in front of his chest, grinning at the reporter. "Duh," he laughed.

"Senator, Senator! What do you have to say about the deportation of the saboteur Yu'umo'o?" one asked.

"I have only one comment," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. "SUCK IT, YU'UMO'O!" and burst into laughter.

"No further questions," Chrome Cortez barked.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd drew a pistol and fired wildly over the heads of the reporters, who turned ran away.

"Press conference over!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd laughed.

He ran toward the stage through the crowd, snatching up children and rubbing the top of his long nose against their faces, making them giggle, and handing them back to the parents. He quickly juggled a half dozen human infants, tossing them back to their parents as the infants squealed in delight.

He galloped up the stage and stopped in the middle at the front, raising all four hands in triumph.

"CITIZENS OF THE GREAT GALLOPING PLAINS, HONORED DIGNITARIES, WELCOME GUESTS, VALUED TOURISTS, AND ALL OF YOU OTHER RANDOM ASSHOLES! WELCOME TO THE GALLOPING PLAINS FIREWATER, FIREWORKS, FIREARMS, AND FREEDOM DAY CELEBRATION!"

The crowd cheered as Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd drew two machineguns from behind his back and fired them into the air before throwing them into the crowd.

"WE LOVE YOU, BA'AHN YA'AHRD!" someone in the crowd yelled out.

"And I love you too, random citizen!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd replied, giving a wink and smile that made the sunlight gleam off of his white teeth.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd moved around the stage for a long moment, throwing gifts and rewards out to the crowd. Discuses that flew out, prizes and gifts scattering from it, drones that swooped and sparkled while dropping gifts before exploding in a shower of prizes.

He stopped in the middle of the stage.

"Before we watch the fight and light the fires, I have an incredible announcement to make!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd stated.

The crowd, most of them assuming that it was in regards to Ba'ahn Ya'arhds defeat of the sinister Yu'umo'o, held its breath.

"For fifty years we have lived on Terra, learning their ways, treating this as our home, not as our prison! The Terrans have embraced us as we have embraced their ways, magnanimous in their victory over the combat forces that invaded their system, caring for the tourists and visitors who were trapped here, comforting and succoring the refugees that had fled the terrible Atrekna and the fearsome Precursor Autonomous War Machines!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said, his image projected on the screen behind him but also as a hologram in midair.

"I have several exciting announcements for everyone!" he shouted. "First, after careful negotiation with Smokey Cone, Treana'ad Cattle Rancher herds will be examined by representatives of the Smokey Cone Cattle Queens for eligibility for their moomoo bloodlines to be verified!"

The Treana'ad cheered wildly, many shouting the Senator's name and firing pistols in the air.

"The Pubvian Dominion government has agreed to recognize the efforts of Pubvian Law Enforcement here on the Galloping Plains, ensuring that their accomplishments and deeds will be added to their families legacies!"

The Pubvians all cheered.

"The Telkan Range Riders will have their citizenship reinstated and their names and accomplishments registered!"

The Telkans all cheered.

"Finally, with great pleasure, I announce one of the most important achievements of my distinguished and scandal ridden career!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.

The crowd grew quiet.

"After negotiation with several Lanaktallan nations, I have managed to get them to understand a Hamburger Kingdom tradition and to recognize it legally," the Senator said. There was silence as Ba'ahn Ya'arhd turned to the screen.

Lanaktallan fillies and mares appeared on the screen.

"MAIL ORDER BRIDES AND GROOMS!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd shouted.

The crowd erupted in cheering.

"They will arrive at New Hamster-Dance on the East Coast of the Hamburger Kingdom so they may view the fearsome Titan imprisoned in the harbor, then travel by steam train to the Galloping Plains, to meet their future spouse!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.

The cheering from the crowd was an almost physical thing.

"Additionally, my office will MATCH the monetary amount an individual or family is able to afford!"

The cheering somehow got louder.

"Additionally, it will be open for more than Lanaktallan!"

Images appeared of Treana'ad, Pubvians, Rigellians.

The roar of approval was so loud that it shook the stage.

"WITH THAT BEING SAID! IT'S TIME FOR ROCK-EM-SOCK-EM ROBOTS!" Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd yelled out.

The curtains fell to reveal a robotic Yu'umo'o and a robotic Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd.

The crowd cheered as the two robots ran forward, swinging fists at each other. It went on for several minutes until the robotic Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd hit the chin of the robotic Yu'umo'o with a punch.

The robotic Yu'umo'o's head suddenly extended out on a long piston.

The crowd cheered wildly.

Both robots exploded into prizes, gifts, collectables, action figures, coupons, and more!

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd raised his hands over his head to the cheering of the crowd as the lids on hundreds of grills were pulled back.

"LET'S EAT!"

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Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd turned from his computer terminal, yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"Otto," he said quietly.

"Yes?" the Digital Sentience appeared as always, a tired looking Terran smoking a cigarette with an open bottle of whiskey on the desk.

"We need to make new plans," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.

"How so?" Otto asked.

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd motioned at the terminal. "The new Confederacy, or, rather, what the old Confederacy has become."

"What about it?"

Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd stood up slowly, rubbing the sides of his face.

"I do not know if they can be trusted," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. "My people, all of my people, depend on me to protect them."

Otto just nodded.

"Tomorrow, call a full meeting of my staff," Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said quietly. "Even the ninjas."

Otto's eyebrows raised.

"I fear we may have to protect my people from the Confederacy itself."