Naruto : Venom

"Yes, he is always like that. I'm Alvarcus Mar. Pleasure." I flag down the waiter and Naruto and I place food orders.

"I'm Tsunade. This is Shizune." Tsunade grunts out quickly, her formal tone is now gone. Shizune waves friendly at Naruto and me.

...

Tsunade and Jiraya chat about old times for a bit, and our food arrives. Shizune, Naruto and I stay out of the conversation, letting the Sannin talk.

It was a nice affair, then Jiraya had to ruin it.

"So, Tsunade, what does Orochimaru want with you?"

I crush my glass in my hand. Water and glass spills on the table. I couldn't help myself, I have serious issues with that man.

"Sorry. I have a very bad history with Orochimaru."

Tsunade regards me with interest. "You and me both kid. Shizune, heal her hand will you?"

"There's no need. I healed it myself already." I'm not even lying, the Jiongu pushed out the glass fragments and has stitched closed the wounds. Hold up a moment. Did she say her?

Tsunade snorts in amusement. "You brought a green medic nin along? How cute. She might have skill though, I didn't see her make hand seals or even a green glow. Sweetie, I know you think the sunglasses make you look more menacing, but from one kunoichi to another your feminine charms are a much better tool."

"Tsunade?" Shizune says with a red face. "That's... well..."

Snicker. Giggle.

"This is supposed to be the world's best medic min? Jiraya I think we wasted our time here, she's clearly gone senile."

"BAHAHAHA!" Naruto is slapping the table and Jiraya's while body is shaking with suppressed laughter.

"What the hell are you talking about!? I am the world's best medic nin! I've saved countless lives cured hundreds of poisons, I've revolutionized the entire program for training new medics!"

"Yet you can't tell I'm a boy. How unfortunate."

"Oh." She eyes me up and down. "Really?"

"Yes!"

"... Sorry about that. You have lovely hair so I just assumed."

"Anyways," Thankfully Jiraya interrupts, "now that Alvarcus isn't holding anything breakable and we've confirmed that he is in fact male, what did Orochimaru want with you?"

"Nothing." Tsunade instantly replies. "Better yet, what do you want with me? You didn't come all the way out here just to talk."

"You're right. I'm here on official business. Konoha needs a Hokage, someone strong. Someone with experience. Someone who has strong ties to the previous Hokages. Konoha needs you back." Here it is, the question of the decade. "Will you become the fifth Hokage?"

"No. That job is cursed. Only the foolish would take that offer. Who ever takes that position will die. It's a death sentence."

"Jiraya we're done here." Naruto venomously growls out. "I don't want her as the Hokage. She doesn't deserve it."

"Of course I deserve it." Tsunade blandly looks at Naruto. "You really think Jiraya came all this way because he wanted to? I'm the best choice."

"That was before we saw how pathetic you are." I coolly regard her. "No one will want you as the Hokage if they could see you now. Look at yourself, you're getting shitfaced in a seedy bar at two in the afternoon. They used to call you Lady Tsunade. Look how far you've fallen."

"Brats. Outside. Now. Someone has to teach you both some manners since your sensei obviously didn't."

"In my defense I'm only teaching Naruto." Jiraya clarifies. Big help he is.

"You want to settle this with fists? Fine! Let's go!" Naruto is revving to go.

I stand up and start walking away. "Not worth my time. I have better things to do." Like figure out how I can get Tsunade back to Konoha to fix Kakashi and Sasuke if she doesn't become the next Hokage.

"You don't have a choice." Her hand falls on my shoulder and all but crushes it. Great, now this is happening. I hope she doesn't throw me. "Orange boy! Let's go."

Tsunade, Jiraya, Shizune, Naruto and I all walk outside. Well they walked I was dragged. Tsunade is seriously strong.

"So who's first?" Tsunade tosses me at Naruto. Dammit I didn't want to be thrown. I hope this doesn't become a common thing. "Orange boy or the squirt? Maybe you want to attack together?"

"My name is Naruto!" He growls.

"And I don't want to be here. Have fun Naruto." I start walking over towards Jiraya and Shizune. "How stupid is she? Just because she drags me outside she thinks I'm going to fight her?"

"Both at once it is." Aw crap. She's right behind me. "Tell you what kids. I'll give you a handicap. I'll only use one finger."

FLICK

I go careening down the street. I bounce off off the unforgiving ground and roll to a stop in a crumpled heap. All of that was from one finger. Wow, I really shouldn't have pissed her off. Why do I always end up pissing off people stronger than me? First was Kakashi, then Zabuza, then Orochimaru, and now Tsunade?

"Alas, I am slain." I blandly say from my awkward spot on the ground.

THUD

"Hey Naruto. She flick you too?"

"I think so? I might have a concussion."

I push myself up to my feet. "Can I go now or are you going to hit me again?"

"You can go if you want to." Tsunade allows. "If you don't want your headband back." She's idly twirling both my and Naruto's headbands on her fingers.

"Give it back!" Naruto roars.

"Whatever." I shrug and walk over to the other spectators as I extend out a chakra string.

Naruto rounds on me with disbelief on his face. "But she has our headbands!"

"Nah, she just has yours." Tsuande's eyes widen as my headband flies out of her grasp and as I use multiple chakra strings to tie it around my head again. "I'm done playing her game."

"Whoa! Talk about some serious control there!" Jiraya chimes in from the sidelines. "I had no idea he could do something like that."

"Squirt what was that?" Tsunade demands. "How did you do that?"

"Have fun Naruto." I ignore her as I stop right next to Jiraya and Shizune. "Maybe try your new move?" There, that should get him attempt the Rasengan and maybe Tsunade will make the same bet with him as cannon. If not then I'll have to get creative.

"Why the hell not? Maybe I'll get it this time." Naruto extends out his right arm and a blue ball of chakra starts to take shape. Interesting, he's not using a clone. "Rasengan!" He charges at the mildly surprised Tsunade.

"Never expected to see that again." She stabs the ground with her finger. A fissure splits the street in two beneath Naruto, and he falls into it. A horrible grinding noise fills the air and dust shoots out of the newly formed crevice, the Rasengan is grinding into the earth.

"Woah." I turn to Jiraya. "Is that what you've been teaching him?" The Rasengan is way more impressive in real life.

Tsunade whirls toward Jiraya. "How can you be so irresponsible! That jutsu is dangerous! You saw the damage it just did and he hasn't even mastered it fully yet!"

Jiraya looks ashamed, "He needs it. He needs a move that can end fights. Besides, it just feels right."

"Wow Lady! That was cool! How'd you split the street like that? Was that an earth jutsu?" Oh good, Naruto climbed out of the crevice.

"No. That was just my strength alone." Naruto gawks at Tsunade. "Tell you what kid, you've managed to mildly impress me. Let's make a bet. I bet that you won't be able to master that move in a week. If you do, I'll give you my necklace. If you don't then I get all of your money."

"Why would I want some stupid necklace?" Naruto condescendingly says. "I'm not some pretty princess, I'm a shinobi."

"This," Tsunade says while displaying the necklace and a ridiculous amount of cleavage that has Jiraya drooling, "is my grandfather's necklace. The first Hokage's necklace. It can buy three mountains easily."

Naruto stills. "Interesting. I accept."

"Good!" Tsunade says. She turns to me, "What about you squirt? Want make a bet? I can always use more money."

"I will make a bet with you. I want you to come back to Konoha to heal my sensei and teammate."

Tsunade looks surprised. "You don't want to bet me to become the Hokage?"

"No. I'm not here for that, I couldn't care less. I just want my team back. You're their only hope. Name your price, what do you want if I lose?"

Tsunade considers what she wants for a while. "If you lose, Shizune is going to train you."

"Sorry what?" I can't have heard that right.

"Shizune is going to train you. You'll accompany us, and basically be Shizune's minion. I've taught her practically everything I can, now all she has to do is teach someone else. It's perfect! This way I don't have to go back to Konoha to get another medic nin for her!"

"But I'm not... whatever. I accept."

"So Squirt, what are we betting on?" Tsunade has a mad gleam in her eye, one I don't approve of.

"I'll show you a medical case you've never seen before. One that maybe even you can't fix. Deal?"

"Deal! Oh man Shizune get ready to teach! Finding a medical case I've never seen before! Please, you practically guaranteed your loss. Tell ya what, I gave Naruto a week. Do you want one too?"

"Nope." Tsunade and Shizune tilt their heads in surprise. "In fact I'm ready now if you are. Unless you want a week to review all of your old cases. Memory is one of the things to go due to old age."

Am I taunting someone stronger than me again? No, I'm doing one better. I'm taunting my future boss. Perfect.

"Fine. Right now. Tell me the details." Oh boy Tsunade sounds mad.

"I'll do you one better, I have the patient. You can examine him yourself."

"Well? Where is he? I don't have all day. There's a bottle of sake in the bar with my name on it."

"Me. It's me. I'm the patient. I'm the case."

Here's my gamble, it is possible Tsunade has studied the Jiongu before, but she hasn't studied Orochimaru's version. I just need her to use the diagnostic jutsu on me then I win.

"Come on then. I've got a room upstairs, I'll examine you there." We all head inside the bar again. Tsunade grabs a bottle of sake and we make our way to her room.

"Alright squirt. Do you want everyone here for this?" Tsunade gestures towards Shizune, Jiraya and Naruto. "Your call. Shizune gets to stay, she's my assistant."

"They can stay. Naruto has seen it before and I've talked about my... condition with Jiraya before. Fair warning, this is not a pretty sight."

"Please squirt, you ain't got nothing I haven't seen before." I remove my sunglasses.

"Are those threads?" I hear Shizune ask.

"Yes, they are." I answer her.

"Please, a doujutsu? That's your big medical case?" Tsunade scoffs at me.

...

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