LIGHTNOVELONLINE Arc 1, Ch.22: Why is life so complicated??
Mizuki made a surprised sound at my touch and tug but didn’t complain. I didn’t pull my arm away.
Mizuki’s head lowered farther as if he was curling up, turning his face away from me. I observed his every movement, nervously watching out for any sign that I was making him uncomfortable.
His shoulders were tense and he had turned his face away from me. His arms didn’t move an inch, just placed at his sides against the wall.
Yet, he didn’t try to put a distance between us where he could have - even just leaning his head back would stop our shoulders from touching. A shudder went through him whenever my arm around his waist moved due to the train’s shaking pushing people around.
Most of all, when I tilted my head down a bit I could see the reddish tint on the tip of his ears, easily unnoticed with its soft shading but still strong enough for someone to look closely to see.
My heart throbbed painfully. I could take advantage of this situation; pull him even closer or bury my face in his hair.
I didn’t.
For the rest of the cramped drive, I tried my best to only put a distance between us or keep it as it was, never pushing closer.
When space finally opened up in one of the larger stations I stepped back. Not hurriedly like I was fleeing, but I didn’t drag it out.
I ignored the way his lower lip looked like it had been chewed on, coloured red from the pressure of his teeth. I ignored how he glanced up at me with a crease on his forehead and nervously lowered head. I ignored his curled fingers against the wall.
I ignored it all, not because I was a nice guy but because I was trying to keep my sense of reason and calm my running pulse while I hoped that despite the heat in my cheeks, that I wasn’t visibly blushing.
I stepped back and turned around to look at the crowd pushing out of the train, keeping my tone calm even with my breathlessness.
“I don’t remember the last time I’ve been on a train that crowded. What is your station again?”
I deliberately wasted a few moments looking around before I turned back to Mizuki. He had straightened his back, his face returned to his usual calm expression as he picked up his bag.
“The next one.”
“Just on time, then. Getting out through all of those people would have been hard.”
He nodded and I returned to his side - a normal distance between us - leaning against the wall. It took all I had to not sink to the ground. My legs felt wobbly, so I put them in an angle to keep myself up with sheer physics.
I was relieved he’d be leaving in a few minutes. I really didn’t trust myself to hold a smile that wasn’t quivering or keep my voice from nervously shaking if I had to talk for longer.
There is no need to be constantly talking inside a train, so our conversation naturally trailed off. Only when the train stopped did I manage another smile to send him off, staring after him out of the closing door.
Only when he was gone from my sight did I allow myself to actually sink to the floor. It didn’t earn me weird looks, all seats were still taken, and I was happy to let my head fall onto my knees for a while just to catch my breath again. I didn’t dare open his entry yet.
I walked home like a zombie, more than thankful that I was alone for a couple more hours. I threw myself onto the sofa, face down into a pillow.
Then I screamed for a while, letting my head cool off. Once air was getting tight, I rolled myself around and turned the tv on for some mindless talking in the background.
It’s not like I was stupid. Even without the system, I could very well tell the difference between someone being awkward because they’re uncomfortable and someone being shy because they’re embarrassed. And shyness wasn’t exactly the common reaction after being too close with another guy.
I hit my legs against the sofa like the child I was, throwing a quiet tantrum.
Why was I doing this to myself right before the exams! They’d start in a few days, what the heck was I doing! Just how much more did I want to distract myself!
Like the obedient servant that it was, the mind-reader system opened the menu so that I could look at the data. The points were still the same - the uncertain number. The current hint was still saying the same as it had been when the relationship status changed, namely that I was supposed to try and make him comfortable with being close to me.
I fidgeted around for a while before opening the history, skimming through the note below it until I reached the part that interested me.
[Target is very confused and uncertain about the host’s intentions due to the host making the previous dialogue choice.]
That was the first part.
Alright, uncertainty was something I could live with. Now, as for the scene in the train-
[Due to the unnaturally close proximity, the target feels even more uncertain about the host’s intention. Most of all, the target was greatly surprised at not feeling aversion to the host’s behaviour. It is expected that the target will try to avoid the host to sort out his thoughts.]
Am I supposed to be happy or not! You can be confused all you want, but why do you have to avoid me!
Ughhh you better hurry up… Don’t leave me awkwardly waiting for you to calm down… Not after giving me such a positive reaction orz
On the other hand, maybe it was better if I could cool down, as well?
Aah, but I don’t want to not see him…
By the time the first family member - Risa - came home, I was still a zombie bemoaning my fate, molding away on the sofa.
I did as the system asked and left him a lot of space. I only wrote him messages about one more math-related question and then wished him good luck for the exams, along with a note that I’d probably not have the time and nerves to chat with him. His answer was quite relieved.
Two days before the start of the exams, Risa’s tutor came over again.
He greeted me with a familiar, friendly smile and I nodded in return, offering him something to drink.
I didn’t need to call Risa, she was waiting for him after all so most certainly had heard the door ring and was about to come down.
Knowing that, I just wasted some time away with the guy, carefully looking him over.
I could tell why Risa fancied him, he was a pleasant, sunny person with average looks but charm. I mean, I had rather liked him, too; he wasn’t hard to get along with and always soothed your mood.
“Are you confident about your exams?”, he asked, making small-talk.
I tilted my head from side to side in response, thinking.
“I think it shouldn’t be too bad?”, I wondered out loud. It was the first year where thinking about exams hadn’t made me feel all sick, which was a great sign of my stress-level stabilizing.
I felt healthier lately, too. Even my mother commented on it.
That’s just how it is, huh? Stress really does a lot of things to your body. I was still stressed, but not as bad as before.
My state right now was closer to being giddy since I was looking forward to seeing Mizuki again.
“That’s good. Do you already have plans for what to do after high school?”
That made me halt a bit.
Did I? Maybe, partially. Somewhat. Not completely.
‘No’ was wrong, ‘Yes’ was wrong, ‘I dunno’ wasn’t right either.
I laughed awkwardly. That made him chuckle.
