My Best Friend Begged Me To Steal His Heroines

It was a few days after my deal with Kana. I was helping Yamamoto-sensei grade some papers when I suddenly let out a breath and asked, " Say, Yukio-san, how do you seduce a girl?" 

The man,  a slightly unkempt older male in perhaps his early 30's currently sucking on a lollipop confiscated from a student earlier, answered without missing a beat. "Either be rich or handsome." Came the reply. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to come off as soberingly realistic or simply pessimistic but I could tell he wasn't really of the mood to talk anyway.

So we once again lapsed into silence. Until, after a few minutes more, the man spoke up again. "What's someone like you doing asking things like that anyway? You got a girl you like? Also stop using my name. It's Yamamoto-sensei to you, punk."

I was idly marking an answer in red when he asked, so I was a bit slow to respond. "Hm?...Ah, no. Its stupid, Yukio-san, forget I asked."

"You brat, if you already bothered to ask then let's hear it. No one likes a tease." He responded. "Out with it. And seriously, knock it off. Do you want to get hit?"

I ignored the threat. "Eh, it's really nothing much...Kana just wanted my help with something so that's why I asked."

Yukio-san paused. "That romcom protagonist friend of yours?" Is that how the guy thought of him? Not that I don't agree.

"Yeah."

"What kind of help does he need that you're asking questions like that?"

I looked at an answer sheet just then and cursed as I marked a fellow classmate's paper. Shit, I got that one wrong, too. So much for my hopes of a perfect score.

" He got this dumb idea in his head to have me seduce a few of the women who've been giving him trouble recently."

Yukio-san let out a small exclamation of surprise. "I would've thought you'd tell him off or something."

It seems that Yukio-san knows me well, eh?

"I wanted to, but he offered to buy me fried chicken if I did it."

At that, the sounds of pen on paper ceased. I could feel his gaze on me, like a dead fish staring up at you. "You promised to seduce a woman... for a bucket of fried chicken?" The incredulity spoke volumes.

"Of course not. There's three, not just one. Why, do you think I can get more out of him than just chicken?" My mouth watered thinking of the possibilities of raunchy afternoons with Cheeseburger-san and Chocolate Banana Milkshake-chan. I felt shivers of excitement run down my stomach. I could already taste them on my tongue. Sweet, savory...sinful....

Yukio-san seemed utterly disgusted. "Kid, I can buy you fried chicken after we get done with this. Don't do something so scummy just for a meal."

"No, my sister's waiting for me outside. If I'm even a minute late, she'll think I'm flirting with some woman and I'll have to undergo a three-day cleansing ritual."

The man shook his head. "The hell does that mean, even?"

"Would you like to know? It's not something you can forget once told," I warned.

Thoroughly weirded out by this, he wisely chose against it. "Think I'll pass, thanks."

"Smart. Wish I was blessed with such ignorance, but alas." I sighed. "Anyway, so that's why I agreed. Though it's not like I promised results, I just said I'd try. It's just that I don't have any idea how to even start, really, so I asked you."

"Still, for chicken?"

"You don't understand, Yukio-chan" I sharpened my eyes at him. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have protein powder for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for ten years? Do you know what it's like to beg for a piece of cake or pie only to then be forced into a state of calorie deficit the week after? My meals often include either fish or spinach, spinach or fish. I can't even eat fruit because my sister says, 'Modern fruits have been bred to have higher and higher levels of sugar content than their natural counterparts. They've become wildly unhealthy, it's better to just munch on some peanut butter and crackers if you want something sweet.'  My taste buds are dying. Get it?"

He frowned. "Well, that's good, isn't it? They've got you on a good diet, those sisters of yours. And why is it 'chan' now?"

A sense of injustice shot through my veins. My teeth were clenched so tight they hurt. "Healthy?" My voice shook with long-seated pain and resentment. "No. Look at this, damn you...look at it!" I moved the chair back and angrily pulled up my shirt.

As soon as he processed what he was looking at, Yukio-chan blinked, the lollipop in his mouth falling to the ground. "Jesus Christ," He swore, seemingly horrified. 

I damn near wanted to cry from his reaction. "Have you ever seen a high schooler like this, Yukio?" I demanded, touching my exposed abdomen with disgust. "Well, have you?" 

The man seemed visibly perturbed. "That...that's just not natural." 

I laughed. A hollow and sardonic. "Of course it's natural, Yuki....this is just what happens when you're made to do four hundred sit-ups a day and a five-minute plank every night. There's just not enough fat or water content to hide any of the muscle." 

"It looks like it's all been boiled off...." Yuki trailed off. "Kid, this....this is inhumane. " His eyes shook. He then reached into his desk and pulled out a chocolate bar. "Here, its not much, but--wait, hold on, stop shortening my damn name. We aren't like that, you shitty brat."

The words barely registered. I simply stared at the proffered candy like a starved wolf would a wounded boar. My first instinct was to pounce on it, to lick and nibble its every nook and crevice with such sweet delight. But reality and reason hit like a bucket of icy water. 

I wrenched my gaze away, a sense of profound loss blossoming in my chest like a man yearning for a lost lover.

"I can't. Suzu-nee would smell it on me." Memories of being made to jog through the streets while pulling a tire tied to my body bubbled to the surface. My legs, as if hit with a sudden phantom pain, trembled. Had I not already been sitting, perhaps they would've given out on me.

"Is she a bloodhound or something?" The man shook his head in wonder. "Alright, fine. I can sort of understand why you'd be so desperate," He shot another quick glance towards my middle region, clearly haunted by the previous sight. Probably imagining the hell one would have to go through to achieve such a perfect, superhero-like physique. "Still, you shouldn't be doing something like that. You should sit down with that sister and have a serious conversation. I've seen a lot of great, young athletes in this school, but none of them had a body like that. It's pretty dang disturbing, kid, I won't lie."  

"You think I haven't tried?" I questioned harshly. "But they're all in on it! Every one of them! Suzu-nee, Riko-nee, Mio-nee, they all just say, 'But Saki is the coolest when he does what we say. We're doing it all for you, you know?' Even if I call our parents, they just tell me, 'Listen to your sisters, they just want what's best for you, okay?' It's insane! I haven't known what a full stomach feels like in years. And yet Kana has the damn gall to complain about being fed too much. Isn't that stupid? Needing a stomach pump or two, needing a bandage or two, needing a cast or two...what's that compared to flavorful fatty goodness? Those three are angels who bring him delicious, savory meals with no expectation other than he show them just a tiny bit of affection. Yet he dares to complain?"

I slammed a closed fist down onto the desk, furious just thinking about that bastard holed up in his room munching on chips and soda. A luxury I could not even hope to enjoy. 

"Someone spoiled like Kana, who can eat whatever he wants freely and without fear of punishment, could never understand how good he has it."

A bit stunned at my passionate tirade, Yuki took a moment to respond. "Ah....yeah....right." He cleared his throat. "So, say you do go through with this scummy deal you have going on. Wouldn't your sister still smell the food on you?"

"Kana thought of that. Since the only time I get actual private time is when they let me go over to his place, he's promised at least one day every month when I can go and gorge myself. He'll prepare toothpaste, mouthwash, and floss to use when I'm done and then let me use some of his clothes while I shower and he launders the ones I came in. As long as I scrub really good, it should fool even Suzu-nee."

"Such a clandestine affair," An empty chuckle. "Well, good luck? I guess? Not that you even need to succeed."

I nodded, calming down. "Yeah, right. I did say that." I felt more at ease. Even if I failed, it was still okay. I was more complaining about Kana having the nerve to complain about a full belly while I was here being starved and nearly dehydrated every day. All for "esthetics," too. 

"I guess I shouldn't be worried about it. I mainly just don't want to make a total fool of myself in the effort, even if I don't need to actually get them to like me. " I picked up the pen and returned to grading. 

"Mhm." A vague grunt came as Yuki, too, returned to work. It was only after another few minutes of silence that he asked, "Wait, did you say....casts?

"Yeah. Sometimes they accidentally break a bone or two, so there's times he needs a cast."

Once more, I felt eyes on me. "What?" I asked.

Yamamoto-sensei had a strange gaze as he stared at me. It felt somewhat pitying? He seemed to decide on something, reaching into his desk for an index card and scribbling something.

"Here, this is my sister's number. You know her, right? The school nurse? If you ever get injured, call her." He tried to hand it to me, but I just held up my palm in rejection.

"Ah, that's okay, Yuu. I already have it." I informed, rising from my seat as I finished the stack of papers. "These are done, so I'm going."  

The man persisted. "Yeah, sure, the school's, but this is her personal number. You might need it, I feel."

"I know, but like I said, I've got it." I waved him off, leaving him holding up the card with a thoroughly confused look on him.

I was halfway through the door when he finally found the presence of mind to ask, "Hold up now. How the hell do you have her number? And who the hell are you calling 'Yuu', dammit?"

But I pretended not to hear.