Moonlit Waters

The metal of the small button is cold against my index finger. I can feel its sides scrape against the surrounding plate of the doorbell.

From behind the door, I hear the familiar sound.

Ding… dong.

My stomach grows light when my concentration breaks and I think of what’s about to come.

I will tell them. And I will have no choice but to see their reaction.

But Alex is here with me. He’s standing right next to me, his arm firmly around me, his hand squeezing my shoulder reassuringly.

“It’ll be fine,” he says, giving me a confident little smile.

I try to smile back, but my mouth barely moves.

It’ll be fine.

I don’t have a choice. There’s no taking it back now. No taking off the mask… Well, no putting it on, more like.

I am Selena.

I see a shadow whizz past the tinted glass embedded in the door and hear Pearl’s muffled voice.

“Mum! Dad! There’s somebody at the door!” I think there’s excitement in her voice.

Does she know?

Usually, she’s the one opening the door. But now she’s waiting.

Shouldn’t she be going to bed soon as well?

It’s almost ten in the evening.

Alex and I waited just long enough at the lake for my clothes and hair to dry, all the while I told him my version of the past week. He didn’t interrupt me once. I’m sure once he’d understood that Timothy had also been I, not much of it came as a surprise to him.

He didn’t try to kiss me, once I had finished. He simply hugged me and I hugged him back, and then I said that we should go and tell my parents.

He knows I need to figure out other things first.

Slowly, the door opens. It can’t be Pearl holding the handle, she always throws it open.

Hectically, I straighten my posture, clasp my hands together to keep them from shaking.

“Oh, hello Alex-” Mum halts when she sees me.

Dad is next to her, partially hidden behind the door. I don’t see Pearl but I’m also unable to look for her. I can’t move my eyes from Mum’s face. Her expression is one of mild surprise, a vague smile mechanically moving the corners of her mouth.

“Hi, Mum,” I say, trying hard to smile and raise a hand to give a little wave. “I know how this must sound. I-” I halt and start over. My heart is pounding in my chest. It’s hard to concentrate. “The comet changed me and for some time I was able to change into this body by touching water and it just made me feel so much better and now I made it permanent and I think I’m a lot happier now, I-”

I pause again. Focus. I have to prove that I used to be Timothy.

“I can prove it. Do you remember, when I was four I was totally in love with my kindergartener? I wanted to become a kindergartener myself so I could be like her and I only ever-”

My pulse is racing, my thoughts going a mile a second. Until they don’t. They just stop and my mind goes blank.

Mum has stepped forward and put her arms around me, pressing me against her chest.

Inches away from my ear I hear her sniffle and whisper, “Did you really think I wouldn’t recognise my own daughter?”

I didn’t know she was crying, but suddenly I am crying too.

She called me her daughter.

She doesn’t hold me forever, though. A long moment later, she lets go, only for Pearl to throw herself against my midriff, squealing, “I have a sister!”

And just like that, the dam breaks. I press her little body against me with one hand, raising the other to hide my face as my chest convulses with sobs.

They just…

I feel light and giddy and at the same time I can’t stop crying.

Alex’s hand is there, rubbing my back calmingly and Mum stands by, watching, doing her best to hold back her own tears. She’s not doing a good job.

“Why don’t you come in?” she asks then. “I think we have reason to celebrate.”

She turns and goes inside. Pearl lets go of me, putting her hand in mine. Mechanically, I bend my fingers to hold it.

I’m drying my cheeks with the collar of my t-shirt when I see Dad still standing there awkwardly and I freeze.

He hasn’t said anything yet. What is he thinking right now?

“Hi, Dad,” I say, managing my own awkward little smile.

He nods. “Hi-” Then he halts. “What name do you go by now?” His face grows red as if he weren’t sure whether that question might be offensive or otherwise inappropriate.

Dad… He’s never been the fastest with these things.

“Selena,” I say and this time, my smile is genuine. It feels nice on my face.

“Should I-” Alex begins, but Mum interrupts him.

“You’re invited too, Alex. No discussion. You’re staying!” She has almost disappeared into the kitchen, but turns now, her eyes shining when she says, “That’s a beautiful name.”

We head inside and into the kitchen. Pearl and I sit on one side of the small table, Alex and Dad on the other. Mum is already busying herself, making doe for some sort of cake.

I’ve barely been sitting for a minute, when I remember something.

“Mum, Dad? Can I invite someone else over too?”

Isa doesn’t know yet.

She turns to give me a quick smile. “Of course you can. Who is it?”

“Isa.” My face grows a little warm. They don’t know yet that we’re no longer together. They know nothing, really, about the relationship between the two of us.

“Okay, yeah, go ahead.” And she turns her attention back to the dough.

I pull out my phone and unlock it. It’s 10pm now. Is she even awake anymore? I know she’s going to leave tomorrow, but I’m not sure when. It might be early.

With clumsy movements, I type, Hey, you might want to come over. Mum is making cake :)
It barely takes a second before the two little checks turn from grey to blue and she begins typing.

Cool. Be there in ten.

I put my phone away again and lean back. My gaze meets Alex’s and he gives me an approving nod. I nod back with a smile.

I feel light. I feel fulfilled in a way I haven’t ever felt before. Like all my problems aren’t really problems anymore. Like the world is suddenly a beautiful, beautiful place.

Pearl leans against me, steadying herself by holding on to my arm, and presses her nose into my skin lightly.

“You smell different,” she says then.

Again, I can feel my face heat. “Oh do I?”

She nods. “You smell better! Like… water, I think.”

Both of us look up when Dad clears his throat.

“So… Selena,” he says, searching for the right words, “the comet did this, didn’t it?”

For a moment, I tense. But then I force my muscles to relax.

He’s just curious.

I nod. “Yes, I think so.”

“Does all this mean that you’re… trans?”

Again, I nod, but stay silent.

Awkwardly, he scratches the back of his head. “And since when do you know that you’re not… a boy?”

Now, I shrug. “Only really figured it out when the comet first changed me. But I must’ve been for longer, right? I mean, I immediately started feeling better, once the comet was there and I could change into this body. That I liked it, I only really figured out last weekend, I think.”

“Wow… So it’s really short term, isn’t it?”

I pause. What point is he trying to make?

“No, not really. That I only realised now doesn’t mean that I wasn’t like that before. This isn’t just a phase.” I crease my brow as I talk. Is he simply being curious in an awkward way or does he not believe me?

“I know, I know,” Dad hurries to reply. “I’m just trying to make sure this is what you really want-”
“And if it wasn’t?” I interrupt heatedly. “What would you do then? There’s no taking it back! This is the person I am now!”

Pearls hands have tightened around my forearm, so much so that it hurts a little. Alex is looking back and forth between my father and I know he’s about to say something, when Mum beats him to it.

“Honey, please. Just-” It’s the voice she only rarely uses when talking to Dad. The imploring undertone I only ever heard a few times.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m being stupid.” And I can tell he means it from the way he scratches his forehead with a tired expression. Then he looks up again. “Really, I just want you to know that I’m happy if you’re happy. No matter what.”

A weight lifts off my chest. He was just being awkward.

“I know,” I say and give him a little smile.

I lift the arm that Pearl is holding on to and pull her into me so she’s leaning against my side.
Alex gets up and asks if he can help, Mum lets him wash and cut some fruits. It’ll be the fancy sort of cake.

Then she puts on music, some playlist Pearl and I used to listen to a lot just a few years back. By now I understand the lyrics.

The songs are uplifting and joyful. Pearl and I sing along a little as Mum goes all out and dances all over the kitchen.

She stops when the doorbell rings. She turns down the music and I get up.

Isa is wearing her lilac hoody and black shorts with white trainers. I have honestly no clue how she managed to bring so many clothes.

When she sees me her eyes widen. She gives a choked squeak, then she throws herself against me, almost throwing both of us to the ground.

“You made it,” she chokes. “You made it! I’m so proud of you!”

My chest grows tight with affection all of a sudden, but I swallow the sobs. All that comes out is a hitched breath.

She lets go and takes my face in both hands. “So? How does it feel to have left your old self behind?”

The smile that forces the corners of my mouth up is big and happy and stupid and right. “It feels good.”

She grins back with grin equally dumb. “I’m so happy for you.”

Her eyes flicker down for just a moment and her smile grows into a grin.

“You’re not wearing a bra,” she states. There’s no judgement to her voice, only the grin.

I forgot. Fuck. I look down and see my nipples poking against the fabric of my t-shirt. I’m lucky they’re not that big, so it isn’t that obvious. But I doubt anybody hasn’t at least noticed it.

“Going by the colour of your face I take it that wasn’t intentional?” she asks and I nod.

“Alright. Lucky you, this is a problem with an easy fix.”

She takes my hands and pulls me with her. Like this isn’t my house, but actually hers. I don’t argue, though, just follow her silently.

The knowledge that we’re two girls going up to my room so she can help me pick out an outfit makes my stomach light with elatedness.

“Where’re you going?” Mum asks from the kitchen as we walk past. “The kitchen’s over here, you know?”

I stop just long enough to turn and say, “We’ll be back in a second, promise!”

Mum replies with a chuckle. “Take your time, girls!”

She must’ve figured by now that Isa knew about what happened while the comet was there.

“You’re so forgetful!” Isa reprehends me barely a minute later when the door to my room is shut behind us.

She chuckles. “Really, you’ve got a lot to learn.”

“So teach me then,” I reply with a grin.

She, in turn, rolls her eyes. “You already know how to put on a bra, girl. You just have to remember doing it. Or, well, you could also go around showing off your tiddies-”

“Don’t use that word!” I interrupt her with a cringe.

“Figured you wouldn’t be the type. So put on your bra for fuck’s sake! You bought that thing for a reason.”

My cheeks still hot, I walk to my closet and open it. The little bundle is still there, lighter than it was the last time I took it out of the closet. The dress isn’t there anymore.

I unwrap it and pick up the bra. Then I spot the matching panties and set it back down.

“Could you turn around, please?” I ask, turning to look at her, but unable to maintain eye contact.

She laughs. “You know you have nothing that I don’t, right?”

“That’s not the point. Please?”

She does as I ask. “God you’re coy.”

Quickly, I undress. Sliding the panties up my legs makes my heart race with anticipation. But it doesn’t really feel special, once the fabric comes to rest against my privates. It’s just there. It’s normal. At least it’s going to be soon.

I don’t have much trouble putting on the bra. I did get some exercise at the store, after all.

When I move to put on my old t-shirt, Isa speaks up suddenly.

“You’re not going to wear that, are you?”

I stop. “Is that a problem?”

Now she turns. “Yes! Of course it is. You’ve got better things to wear.”

So I put on a white cropped T-shirt and the jeans shorts. I don’t put on any socks, it’s warm enough to go barefoot.

Pearl gives a squeak when we come back into the kitchen.

“You look so pretty!” she says. “Mummy, will I look that good when I’m her age?”

Mum’s laughter rings through the kitchen clear as bells.

“You’ll have to hold back on the slutty clothes, Selena,” she says then. “You should remember your sister is very likely to take after you.”

“They’re just shorts, Mum,” I mumble, giving her a glare.

That only makes her giggle again. “I know, honey. I’m just teasing.”

Then she pauses.

“By the way. Did you bring all those clothes, Isa? And how did you find out about Selena? I gotta say, you girls have me curious.”

The two of us lean against the counter next to one another.

Dad hasn’t said anything yet, he’s simply watching with a small smile. As if this was normal.

I know Alex looked me up and down when we entered. I also know that his eyes lingered a little longer than if he were just looking, but I don’t mind. Actually, the prospect makes my skin tingle pleasantly.

“I didn’t, in fact. Bring clothes, I mean,” Isa says in reply. “Selena picked those out herself.”

She puffs out her chest and pets me on the shoulder, acting all proud.

Mum whips around. “You took her shopping?”

Isa nods and her grin broadens even further. “I did. And she loved it.”

I stare at the floor very hard. I’m doing my best not to blush, but I also know very well that I’m doing an absolutely terrible job of it.

“But you don’t have an entire wardrobe yet, do you?” Mum asks in a worried tone.

I shake my head. “Only a few things.”

“Great!” she exclaims. “We’ll go shopping together then! How about tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow’s Saturday. The stores will be overflowing with people.”

I know she has to work on weekdays. But the thought of fighting my way through a crowd of women to get to the underwear section simply doesn’t sit right with me.

It should be normal. But it isn’t yet.

“Right. Okay, I guess I’ll take sick leave on Monday, then.” Again, she pauses. “Where were we? Right. Are you two still a couple?”

I throw a nervous glance in Isa’s direction and she gives me a reassuring nod.

When tell the truth if not now?

“No, we’re friends.”

Mercifully, Mum doesn’t say anything about the implications of what I just said. She simply nods and says, “So how did you find out, Isa?”

“We went swimming together. She had a little breakdown over being found out, though. It took a lot of convincing till she believed I was on her side.”

“So you helped her in the process of realising?”

I look up. “Actually, she did all the realising for me. Without her I probably wouldn’t even have thought of the possibility.” I look down with a vague grin. “I was being a little stupid.”

But I don’t think Mum’s listening to that last sentence. Swiftly, she walks over to Isa and embraces her.

“Thank you. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

At first, Isa looks a little uncomfortable and stiff, but then she relaxes into the embrace and her grin returns.

“A slice of that cake you’ve got in the oven would do well for a start.”

-

We talk a lot that evening. We laugh and tell stories and eat cake. It’s perfect.

Isa and I tell stories of our time when the comet was there, but she doesn’t mention the panic attack I had just a few nights back. And Alex doesn’t mention our nightly encounters at the lake.

There’s a silent agreement. This is private.

Only at two in the morning, when Pearl has fallen asleep with her head in my lap and Mum can’t hold off yawning every few seconds, we decide to go to bed.

Isa leaves, making us promise we’ll come say goodbye to her tomorrow. Alex leaves after a short awkward moment when he obviously wants to hug me but isn’t sure whether I’m okay doing it in front of my parents. He ends up giving me a small waive, then he leaves.

I carry Pearl upstairs and put her to bed. She doesn’t so much as stir.

Her face is peaceful, like that of a little angel.

She will be so much more beautiful than me when she’s my age, I’m sure of that.

I’ve just turned off the light in my room and drawn the blanket over me, when there’s a knock at my door.

It’s Mum. She pokes her head through the door like she used to when I was younger and says, “Are you asleep yet?”

I shake my head, then remember that she can’t see the movement and say, “No. Just turned off the light.”

“Mind if I come in?”

“No.”

She opens the door and pushes it almost closed behind her. There’s only a slither of light left, now.

She walks close and crouches next to my bed, right where my head is.

“How are you feeling?” she whispers and I can hear that she’s smiling.

“Good,” I whisper back with my own little smile.

“I’m glad it turned out this way, you know? I mean, I didn’t know you’d turn out to be a girl and honestly, I’m a little disappointed I didn’t know before you, but I’m glad you found out. Seeing you so happy and free feels so good. I used to be really worried about you, you know?”

My smile fades.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper and put out my hand to take hers. It doesn’t take much effort, both our hands are lying on the mattress. It’s a lazy, sleepy show of affection.

“Don’t be,” she replies. “It’s over now. Everything’s turned out well in the end. A happy end, if you will.”

“A happy start, more like,” I give back with a small grin.

“Yes,” she agrees. “A happy start.”

There’s a moment of silence and I think she’s going to wish me a good night, but then she says, “About what Isa said earlier, that you’re friends-” she stops and I know she’s searching the dark for a telltale change in my expression. “Does that mean that you like boys now?”

I try to look and sound innocent. “Maybe?” I don’t last long, though. I barely make it through the word before breaking into giggles.

“I’m so happy for you! Is there a special one yet?”

Again, it is hard to keep a straight face. The situation is just so absurd. No, that’s the wrong word. I’m giddy with happiness.

“Alex?”

“I KNEW IT!” She shouts triumphantly, so loud that I flinch.

“Mum!” I complain. “Not so loud!”

“Sorry,” she whispers, stifling laughter.

She gets up. “Alright, pretty one. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams.” She leans in and before I can react, she has kissed me on the forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mum.”

She leaves and closes the door behind her and I’m left in the dark, the after-image of her lips burned into my skin.

It takes a long time before I fall asleep that night. Again and again, I concentrate to calm myself down, only to break out in a fit of giggles and roll around my bed, hugging my pillow like an absolute moron.

But in the end, I do fall asleep, and this time there are no nightmares disturbing my sleep.