Miss, stop committing suicide

Chapter 29

At the very least, I didn’t want to say this to you.

I didn’t want to ask for help.

I just wanted to joke around, to chat and laugh with you.

I didn’t want our relationship to turn into one where we’re constantly looking up or down at each other.

Once people start exchanging favors, their relationship tilts. Debt accumulates, and things shift.

So I kept putting it off. Delaying it. That’s just who I am. I’ve always been like that, so I really didn’t want to say this.

“Well, forget all that. I’ve got something to tell you.”

“What do you want to say now…?”

“It’s not a confession or anything, so relax.

You’re here to scold me because the girl you like got slapped, right? I wouldn’t confess at a time like this.”

“Then what is it?”

Honestly, I’m not even sure what I’m about to say.

The words just come out, raw and unfiltered, straight from the heart.

“Save me.”

Every time I’ve died, even if I’ve chosen that path myself, it’s always felt like someone else killed me.

The first time, I let go of a dim ray of hope and died in a stupid way, trying to escape the endless suffering and bleak future.

The second time, I relied on the hand of a young boy to send my head flying through the sky. It was my choice, but still…

Both times, it hurt so badly I wanted to scream.

“Huh…?”

“Save me, Evan. I’m just… I’m so tired.”

I laugh, then cry, then laugh again. It’s a mess.

My face is smiling. My breathing is steady. But my tear ducts have gone haywire.

Even if I wipe them away, they just keep flowing, like a faucet stuck on full blast. It’s so much that I’m starting to wonder if I’ll end up dehydrated.

My throat doesn’t tighten. My nose doesn’t run. It’s just tears, pouring down my face as I try to speak.

“No, forget it. Pretend you didn’t hear that. Just go.”

At my words, Evan says something unexpected.

“Is this something I can help with?”

Help? Help with what?

He’s never cared before. He’s never needed to.

“I don’t know.”

Even if his family’s house shakes a bit, it’s not going to collapse like mine. He’ll be fine. His estate’s taxes alone could keep them afloat.

I just want someone to listen to me. To hold me. To console me.

Anyone will do. Vivian, Evan, whoever.

I’m so desperate for warmth. I can’t do this alone anymore.

“I’ve got a question. Can I ask?”

Evan’s face stiffens slightly, but he nods.

Of course, with a girl acting this crazy—suddenly pleading for her life, crying and laughing like a maniac—he’s bound to be on edge.

“If you had to live the same day over and over again, and it was so unbearable that you couldn’t stand it, what would you do?”

“I’d die,” he says immediately.

Even in response to my nonsense question, he answers seriously.

“What if you died, but it didn’t end? What would you do then?”

His face hardens even more.

“I’d probably despair… and then… I’d just go with the flow.”

That’s exactly what I’m doing now.

That’s why I’m terrified of dying.

I’ve already experienced it twice, and it’s horrible.

“Right? Relax, it’s… never mind.

I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. Forget it.”

“Are we… not friends anymore?” he asks.

“No. Not anymore.

You like Vivian, and I… Well, I’m just in the way. I’m the obstacle. I’m the burden who’s always dragging others down.”

“You asked me to save you, didn’t you?”

“Did I?”

Evan starts drawing symbols in the air. He’s casting a spell.

He pulls out a gemstone, murmuring an incantation, and the glowing rune embeds itself into the gem.

It’s beautiful.

“Give me your finger. Any finger.”

I raise my index finger, pointing at him like I’m scolding him.

Evan wraps a small thread of magic around it, twisting it into a ring. He presses the gemstone onto it, and it sticks.

“It’s not much, but if you press down on the stone, it’ll break, and I’ll know.”

“I can only call you once, then?”

“I’ll make you a new one every time you call.”

“You did something like this for me before too, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks. It’s the first gift I’ve gotten since I came to this academy.”

I smile at him. A real smile this time.

Not the hollow grin I’d been wearing before.

Evan’s eyes narrow as he gazes at me.

He looks worried.

“Alright, I’m done now. Get out.”

“After all that, you’re just gonna kick me out?”

“If it were you, would you leave?”

“Probably not… I’d stay.”

“That’s right. We’re childhood friends, after all.”

“So, when are you going to leave?”

“When you fall asleep.”

“Let me say this again. At this hour, a boy and a girl of our age being in the same room isn’t exactly a good look.”

“I don’t care.”

“If I don’t sleep, then you’ll have to stay here all night.”

“That’s a bit much. I’ll just put you to sleep, then.”

If everything repeated itself exactly the same, word for word, I’d probably lose my mind.

So, maybe adding a bit of change to it isn’t so bad.

I’ve never really been one to give up… Well, that’s a lie.

There have been times when my will sank to the floor, and I’d just let go of everything. But sometimes, people just want to live.

And that’s how I felt now.

I wanted, as much as possible, to avoid the misfortunes that awaited me.

Because I didn’t want to experience pain anymore.

But no matter how much I think about it, there’s not a single thing I can do on my own.

All I can do is breathe air and consume food at a reasonable rate—nothing else.

No remarkable talent for magic, no sharp intellect, not even a healthy body.

That’s why I’m asking for help.

Because if things go on like this, I’ll die again like the last two times.

Maybe I’ll even end up taking my own life.

So I’m pleading—begging—for someone to save me.

And I’m not sure if it’s acknowledgment or pity, but Evan gave me this ring.

I’m not sure if it’s something that can really save me, but he’s given me a way to call for him in case of trouble.

If he doesn’t come, I’ll die.

Even if he does come, I might already be dead by then.

But knowing that I have something—anything—to rely on gave me a faint sense of relief.

“Put me to sleep, you say?”

“Just lie down and try to sleep.”

If I didn’t get into bed and fall asleep, it seemed like he really wouldn’t leave.

So I downed the rest of the coffee I’d left on the table and lay down on the bed.

Come to think of it, Evan could use sleep magic if he wanted to.

Before I knew it, my eyelids grew heavy, and I drifted off into sleep.

It felt a bit hazy, but strangely refreshing.

“Feels like my head’s going to explode. Maybe I should smoke some opium.”

Back in the day, when sailors ate lime and “friends of the whip” sold opium to the descendants of port laborers, there was a story one of them told me.

He’d described the “dens of happiness” as places where you could buy oblivion. 

The dens of fear—the opium dens—would replace the memories of past sins with the frenzy of new sins.

That man’s view on drugs was clearly negative, but I think a little differently.

If you’re going to smoke it once, sure, you’ll get addicted. But you’ll also feel happiness and, more importantly, forget.

Then, when all your money’s gone, you can just…

“Rubbish.”

These days, I’ve been having thoughts like this a lot.

The worse my body feels, the more these ridiculous ideas pop into my head.

Even if I died, I’d probably end up chasing it again.

If I’m going to smoke something, I’d rather it be cannabis.

They say it’s much easier to quit than cigarettes, after all.

Not that I’ve ever quit either of them, back when I had a different body.

Then again, maybe I couldn’t smoke in this body anyway.

This girl’s lungs are just as weak as the rest of her frail body.

Speaking of which, I felt something foreign on my index finger, so I took a look.

It was a ring with a red gemstone embedded in it.

“What was I even thinking yesterday…”

I must’ve been so exhausted that I wasn’t thinking straight.

I’d cried so much, my mental strength was completely drained. I didn’t even have the energy to organize my thoughts.

But it’s already done. No point dwelling on it.

Anyway, today’s going to be a mess of rumors, I’m sure.

Rumors about my family’s downfall will spread like wildfire.

People will start talking about how my family’s falling apart, how no one’s left to handle the chaos in the mines or pacify the revolting farmers.

From what the prince said yesterday, I’m half sure—no, I’m fully sure—that the Emperor’s behind it.

Even my brother, who I’d never even seen after coming to this world, probably died because of the Emperor.

But thoughts are thoughts, and that’s where they should stay.

Just like how I pushed aside my thoughts about opium earlier, I’ll shove this aside too.

Even if my hunch is right, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What’s the point of knowing the truth if it’s useless?