Miss, stop committing suicide

Chapter 16

“I didn’t want to fight with Evan.”

Then how is this any different from before?

They should’ve sent me back a little earlier.

Like before Vivian held my hand, or even just yesterday.

Well, I guess I should be glad there’s plenty of coffee.

Even without buying any, I can get an endless supply with just a single pull of the trigger.

Talk about a creative economy.

To be honest, I never want to do that again.

It hurt too much.

It wasn’t just the physical pain — the miserable sensation was even worse.

I tried to fool myself with all kinds of hollow, empty, and despair-filled reasons for giving up on life, but the moment I drove the blade into my arm, I knew it wasn’t right.

So instead of looking for a second option called “life,” I searched for something that looked less painful — maybe something that could end it all instantly, like a firearm.

When it comes to killing people, gunpowder weapons have always been perfect.

But I’d realized that even if you have a gun, if you’re stupid, you’ll still fail to use it properly.

Well, it looks like I succeeded in dying in the end.

People say that when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, and it makes you want to live again. But in my case, it wasn’t just that I wanted to survive — I wanted to live a decent and happy life.

But what’s the point of surviving just to see a world that’s no different from before, one that makes you think dying might’ve been the better option?

There’s this fool named Sisyphus from Greek mythology.

He angered the arrogant gods and was punished to push a boulder up a mountain.

Every time he reached the summit, the boulder would roll back down, and he’d have to push it up again.

No matter how hard he worked, it was an endless, hopeless cycle.

I’m just like him. After giving up on that repetitive life, I ended up being punished by some unknown force.

An indescribable punishment that forced me to pour all of myself into an impossible, fruitless task.

To escape from reality, I voiced my thoughts aloud.

“Should I just head to class now?

Lydia’s probably already laying the groundwork to make my life miserable.

After that, I’ll get bullied, hole up in my room, and it’ll be the same cycle all over again.”

But after dying, I realized something.

Apparently, I really hate being alone.

I hate being lonely, isolated, and ignored by everyone around me.

That’s probably why, even though I denied it, I felt happy when Vivian came to see me.

No one else ever paid attention to me.

Even Evan, despite having his reasons, never came to see me.

But Vivian did.

“Heh.”

A small laugh escaped me.

If I’d never entered this little lady’s body, I wonder what would’ve happened.

If that had been the case, people would’ve just remembered that there was once a girl named Erica, and the only trace she’d leave behind in the world would be a bit of darkness in the hearts of Evan and Vivian.

Nothing like this would’ve happened, and the world would’ve moved on with Vivian’s love story taking center stage.

I keep drinking coffee.

Whenever the urge arises, I’d briefly head to the bathroom before coming back to drink more.

The slight dizziness from the spinning in my head was almost pleasant. I liked the drowsiness it brought.

Before I knew it, morning had arrived.

I brushed my messy hair roughly, grabbed a random book, and headed to class.

I opened the door, put on my shoes, walked down the hallway, descended the stairs, and made my way to the classroom.

The world, which had always seemed to be in a dull monotone, now looked as if it had a hint of color.

No matter how harsh life gets, maybe this is why people seek out little pleasures.

Even when life is unbearable, sitting in a comfy chair, drinking a cup of coffee, and eating a snack you like can ease the stress, if only a little.

When I entered the classroom, Lydia approached me with a friendly smile.

“Good morning, Lady Erica!”

“…Yeah, good morning.”

“By the way, have you heard the news?”

If I ask what news, she’s going to say, “The Duke had an accident!” and use it as an excuse to mess with me.

“Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“Hmm, is that so.”

By the way, young lady, you’re well aware that I’ve never really respected you from the bottom of my heart, right?”

While I grabbed a desk, pulled out a chair, and placed a book on top to settle into my seat, Lydia followed me, tossing out words one by one.

“I’m aware.”

“Then you must also know that if the Duke passes away and your backing crumbles, I’ll no longer show you any respect, right?”

Hearing that, I was momentarily stunned before Lydia tossed a piece of paper trash at me with a flick.

It’s that childish way of bullying — the kind where you bother people in subtle, annoying, and petty ways during class when the teacher’s not looking.

If you put up with it for too long, it gradually escalates.

It may seem childish, but it’s quite effective.

It’s the kind of petty prank that’s too trivial to get properly angry about.

“…Yeah, I suppose so.”

“Why are you accepting it so calmly? Are you perhaps not even a legitimate child…”

Slap.

The sound of a palm striking a cheek echoed.

At the same time, Lydia’s head snapped to the side.

“How about you shut your mouth? It’s starting to stink in here.”

“Ha, well. I’ll keep it in mind.

Seems like you still haven’t grasped reality, so I suppose I’ll have to help you understand.”

I’ve grasped reality far too well.

Maybe that’s why I’m acting like this.

If I show any sign of weakness, they’ll tear into that weakness under the guise of concern, and the scars left behind will ache for a long time.

I thought I’d been betrayed, but looking back, it’s clear you were just doing what you’ve always done.

You only started acting like this because the person above you disappeared, and now you’re free to act as you please.

You’re probably enjoying trampling on the former master you never liked.

“What’s next? The Duke dies, the family collapses, no one’s there to clean it up, and the household either fractures from internal strife or gets swallowed up by the imperial family?”

Hearing my words, Lydia’s face stiffened, and the cracks in her smiling face grew larger.

“You know all that, yet you still act like this?”

“If I borrow your words, yes. Nothing’s going to change, after all.”

“Suit yourself, young lady.

You don’t have to pretend to be so strong, you know. Haha.”

“Is it really just pretending?”

“Yes.”

Lydia naturally interpreted my actions as mere pretense.

But if you think about it simply, I’m just writhing after being stepped on.

Once class started and roll was called, only the students who actually cared about learning paid attention.

Since time kept repeating, I didn’t have much interest in it anymore.

After all, it’s just more stories about how great some ancient figures were. As long as you know the achievements of your own family’s ancestors, that’s more than enough in this world.

Once class ended, I figured Lydia wouldn’t bother me today, so I took the money I’d stashed in my pocket and headed for the food district.

Even if they rounded up all the students, they’re still nobles, so their spending habits are pretty generous.

The food served at the free dining hall isn’t bad, but most of them feel too proud to go there.

When I’m out of money, I’ll have to use that place, but I’ve never actually gone because Lydia would always send kids to block me from eating.

Anyway, that’s why there’s a whole street filled with high-end restaurants on the academy grounds.

Thanks to the kids’ prideful upbringing and their parents’ indulgence, pocket money pooled together to create demand, and where there’s demand, supply naturally follows.

When I arrived at the dining area, I spotted some familiar faces.

The crown prince I’d seen in passing before, Vivian, whose cheek still had a faint red mark, Evan, a quiet-looking man, and one unfamiliar woman.

Vivian looked behind her and our eyes met for a moment.

I immediately averted my gaze and turned away, pretending not to notice.

After what happened yesterday, she wouldn’t approach me just to say hello, right?

Please, I hope that’s the case.

Fortunately, it seemed like only Vivian noticed me, so there shouldn’t be any problems.

I keep running away.

In the end, I ran here and there, fleeing over and over again, only to end up with a pathetic death in a bathtub.

Now, even the final choice has been taken away from me.

What should I do?

What am I supposed to do now?

What’s going to happen to me from here on out?

Why? Why does it have to be me?

Shaking off the tangled mess of thoughts in my head, I step into a random restaurant.

As soon as I enter, the smell of meat hits me.

“…Ugh.”

A wave of nausea rises, and I quickly turn around, fleeing back to my room.

Just like always.

Just like I used to do before I became this young lady.

I brew a cup of coffee and pop a piece of chocolate into my mouth.

If I eat something, at least I can stave off hunger for a while.

“Tastes awful.”

The chocolate tastes even more bitter than the lingering aroma of coffee.

I chewed it for a long time before finally spitting it out.

A maid will probably come by to clean it up at some point.

They could’ve at least added a ton of sugar.

Well, at least it’s not red, so I guess it’s fine.