MADMAN APOCALYPSE

“Gambit, whatever you do, don’t let her hit you! You’ll actually die!”

The Daddy Long-Legs spectral spaghetti monster came towards me on its two-dozen legs and I quickly ducked-and-weaved past the first two opening attacks it sent at me. But there were so many of those damn legs that avoiding being hit a single time was definitely impossible.

To make matters worse, my fists passed through the spectral legs, since they could, at will, become incorporeal, so I had little in the way of active defense and my only hope was that my percentage-chance of reflecting impacts would save me from a fatal hit again.

STOP MOVING SO I CAN SQUASH YOU!!!

“That’s quite ironic,” Panda muttered. He was hanging on to my shoulder again as I, still clad in my Birthday Suit, hopped and danced around the arms-used-as-legs which tried to hit me.

The Fairyfly’s main body was lifted twelve feet off the ground by the arms and hung there rather limply. This close, I could see how the side I’d hit with Brock was completely destroyed. It seemed, despite the fact that Riii was level 60, her defensive stats were quite low, perhaps because she was the nimble and offensive sort.

With a running leap, I hopped up towards where her body hovered directly above me and prepared to swing my fist against her.

Then her half-paralyzed face moved and said, “(Gravity *= -1).”

“What does that m—?” I started to ask, before, suddenly, I was in freefall… upwards.

“Oh, fuck!”

Panda squealed with joy, while I started flying at the cavern ceiling far above with terminal velocity. But I wasn’t the only one affected by this, as Riii and her tangled mess of spectral limbs also started flying upwards, as the effects of gravity were reversed.

“Nigel!! I’m here!! Grab me!!” Brock shouted as I flew past him.

My fingers grazed his balloon handle, but I failed to get a grab on.

Below, or, well, above, the ceiling was approaching fast, but then Riii used another ability:

“(Gravity = 0).”

Instead of continuing with my momentum, like what would’ve happened if gravity was removed, I instead just stopped in place, as though all my speed was cancelled. The Announcer’s body also stopped, but then she began using her magical limbs to ‘swim’ towards me.

“If she wasn’t trying to kill you, it would be quite an amusing sight,” Panda commented. “She looks like a spider that fell in the tub and is struggling to get out.”

I eyed where Brock was floating maybe twenty yards away and started doing breaststrokes to swim through the air towards him, while the spider imitator swam after me.

“How dumb must this look from below?” Panda wondered, continuing to provide useless commentary.

“Can you shut up or at least make sure she doesn’t reach me!?”

“My greatness is wasted on you, Gamby.”

“I told you…to stop…calling me…that!” I said in-between strokes.

“Just a little closer!” Brock called. “Grab me, you beautiful bastard!!”

I reached out, the tips of my fingers touching Brock’s handle.

“Uh oh,” said Panda.

“What?” I asked.

Then I was yanked back towards the spider by something grabbing my right foot and pulling hard.

“Nooo!!” Brock screamed dramatically as the distance between us grew again.

GOT YOU!!!

I flew towards Announcer Riii and her many spectral arms, but seized on the opportunity to pull my arm back, readying for a punch directly to her center mass as she came closer.

“Punch.harder( )!” I yelled.

Just as my ability triggered, her voice followed with the phrase: “.interrupt( )!”

Warning!

You have been interrupted and your ability is now on cooldown!

Time remaining:

119,662,003 μs

“You dumb ugly fly bitch!” I shouted in frustration.

“Yeah! You suck!” Panda joined in.

SCREW YOU, YOU FILTHY EXPLOITER!!!

“You’ve got cheat abilities too!” I yelled back.

I narrowly avoided being slapped by three conjoined spectral hands, thanks to flapping my arms like a chicken, but she was still gripping my foot and keeping me from breaking away from her reach.

“Panda, you need to get Brock and throw him to me!” I told him.

“Are you out of your mind!?” he protested.

By wildly flinging my head to the side, I avoided another couple arms shooting straight for my head.

“No time to argue!”

I took him off my shoulder with both hands and then threw him forward like I was doing Shot Put. He complained loudly as he floated gracefully towards the Bonk Hammer.

Meanwhile I was wriggling this-and-that-way to avoid being hit.

“I’ve got a hold of him!” Panda yelled as he caught onto the hammer. “Wait, why is he warm?”

“Just throw him to me!” I yelled.

“Fak yuu, toss me!!”

Panda awkwardly pushed the balloon hammer towards me, in turn sending himself the opposite direction, thanks to Newton’s Third Law.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

Announcer Riii seemed to have picked up on the fact that something she couldn’t perceive, i.e. Panda, was helping me.

I began ‘swimming’ towards the approaching Brock, while he continually cried out, “Nigel!! I’m coming baby!!”

As Riii spasmed her arms to try and grab the weapon, she inadvertently pushed me forward with the hand holding my foot, and I was flung forward quickly enough to snatch Brock before her. As she realized her mistake, it was already too late for her, as I swung the hammer at her incoming arms.

The initial hammer strike whiffed, but then the Ghost Strike followed close behind. As it struck, the strange sound filled the air.

¿ BONK ?

The arms were slapped away and Riii pulled me by my foot again, trying to land a hit on me before I could use Brock to break her grip on me. However, she once again messed up, as I was swung towards her main body at the center of all her spectral limbs.

I didn’t waste this golden opportunity and swung Brock right at her tiny torso. A fiery glow enveloped the Bonk Hammer.

ACTIVATING SCRIPT: Math.multiply(Punch)!

BONK2!

¿¿¿ BONK ???

An enormous shockwave exploded outward from the impact site of both the main hammer strike and the secondary Ghost Strike.

The spectral arms all disintegrated, as the Fairyfly announcer was reduced to scattered fragments of tissue and bone, with no distinguishable features remaining. She was like a mosquito that’d hit the windshield of a truck going 100 mph.

“I am the one who squashes!” I yelled, as the effects of her gravity-cancelling ability disappeared and I started plummeting back down to earth.

Achievements popped up in my vision as I fell.

“I_CAN_FLY!” I yelled and my fall was quickly slowed to a gentle descent.