MADMAN APOCALYPSE

The tunnel began to twist, the walls becoming the floor, the ceiling becoming the wall, continuing like that in a spiral as I came closer to the source of gunfire. Each pop grew louder as I neared the end, before I came out onto a narrow landing within a giant ‘chimney’ with stairs running up and down along the wall and a massive drop in the center. There were openings further up and down along the stairs, denoted by landings in front of holes in the curving stone wall.

No sooner had I entered this chimney than the sound of an explosion above preceded a plink of a bullet against the wall just next to my head.

Without thinking, I began running up the steps, taking three at a time with long strides.

“They’re broadcasting this, right?” I asked rhetorically.

“Yes, and?”

“Let’s give them a show.”

“…Please don’t do what I think you’re about to.”

“Unequip All!” I yelled.

SKILL TRIGGER!

BIRTHDAY_SUIT is now in full effect!

I_CAN_FLY is now available!

As all my clothes vanished off my body, I picked up speed and leapt from the steps to reach the other side many yards above.

“I_CAN_FLY!”

“I really don’t think you need to pronounce the underscores,” Panda remarked.

Before gravity could pull me down as I reached the apex of my leap, I began gliding and came to a stop safely on a landing in front of a tunnel leading away. I turned around, looking for the guy who’d shot at me and saw that he was only slightly further up from where I stood, staring at me in a mix of awe and disgust.

He clumsily lifted his gun at me, and it looked kind of like a flintlock rifle, meaning he’d at least killed one person already. But, as I sprinted up the steps, I was too fast for him to hit me and his shot whiffed.

Before he could try to escape, I lanced him through his solar plexus, tearing the blade out sideways and carving a channel in his flesh below the ribcage, then switched my grip and sliced through his throat. Blood and guts spilled out as his dead body lost its balance and fell off the steps and down the long drop in the center of the chimney.

“Strewth!! Nigel, that was sick as!!”

I watched as the body fell and then vanished into the darkness below. It was impossible to see the bottom and ceiling of the structure I was within, and I had a sneaking suspicion neither actually existed. Part of me felt bad that I hadn’t even gotten a proper look at the guy before killing him, but another part felt it was easier if I didn’t consider them as humans. They were the competition, they were out to get me like everyone else, and compassion would just get me killed.

While the blue particles of his weapon were absorbed into Brock, I looked at a little blue wisp that was left behind on the ground.

“What’d you think that is?” I asked Panda.

“Maybe he dropped some loot?”

I considered the wisp for a moment. “I suppose it does have a very ‘I contain loot’ look about it.”

As I touched my finger to it, the blue light seemed to form a pop-up:

Leftovers of Player ‘Michael John Michaels’:

‘Survival Kit’

“‘Leftovers’ is a terrible name for dropped loot,” Panda critiqued.

I tapped the name of the item and it vanished from the list and was added to my inventory, with the empty wisp disappearing seconds later. Then the next Evolution screen appeared:

Weaponlution — Level 2

Kitchen Knife+

+5in Length

+50% Weight

Hydra

+1 Blade

+80% Weight

Serrated

+Serrated Edge

-25% Slashing

The choice was a no-brainer and I picked the ‘Kitchen Knife+’, the handle growing slightly in my hand and becoming better quality, and the blade gaining a few more inches.

“Fak yes, cunt!! Look at me, wooh!!”

I heard the sound of running from above and looked up to see a man and a woman coming down towards me. The man was in front and had some kind of shell-like protrusion from his forehead and the woman had a crab claw instead of her left hand.

When they saw me, they both paused for a second, as I was still fully nude, but then they raised their evolved guns at me and I only barely managed to jump before they pulled the triggers. The woman’s gun was like a blunderbuss and released a hail of fragments that skimmed along the stone wall producing a lot of sparks. The man had something closer to a double-barreled shotgun, which he fired one shot from that went wild, before readjusting his aim up to where I’d jumped.

Instead of letting myself fall down, I activated my gliding ability again and ended it prematurely as I was above the woman. I landed on her and quickly slit her throat, before turning around and thrusting my blade at the man who was now behind me. He screamed the woman’s name, though I did not parse the words, as I instead watched in horror as the difference in elevation sent my blade tip right at his strange forehead shell, snapping a good inch off the end and making Brock squeal in pain.

Before he could swing his gun around, I sent a left hook right into his jaw, which smacked his head into the wall of the great chimney, producing a disturbing crack. He let out a death rattle and I quickly jammed the broken tip of my blade into his throat to end his suffering.

As the two bodies lay there, leaking blood down the stone steps, I fell onto my butt with a gasp of exhaustion, both mental and physical.

“You doing okay, Gamby?”

“…Don’t call me that,” I said. “And I’m fine, I just need a sec.”

While the particles of the two players’ weapons were absorbed into my knife, Brock continued whimpering and sputtering expletives.

“Me fakkin tip!!” he screamed.

“It’ll heal, you big baby,” Panda told him.

“You don’t get it, Jiminy!! Me blade’s like me willy and me body. Imma snake y’see.”

“Pretty sure that’s not how snakes work.”

Unlike before, no wisps were left behind with loot. I doubted that it was because neither of them had items to drop, and assumed it had more to do with only special inventory items appearing in such a manner. I wondered if it was possible to pick up someone else’s Boss Reward in this way.

As the particles were siphoned into Brock’s tipless body, a level-up screen appeared:

Weaponlution — Level 3

Shortsword

+5in Length

+50% Weight

Serrated

+Serrated Edge

-25% Slashing

Twin-edge

+Twin-edge

-25% Slashing

I picked ‘Shortsword’ and once again the handle changed, becoming like leather, while the blade widened and elongated, replacing the broken tip, much to Brock’s immediate relief.

The next Evolution came a second later:

Weaponlution — Level 4

Shortsword+

+5in Length

+50% Weight

Twin-edge

+Twin-edge

+30% Weight

Curve

+50% Slashing

-50% Stabbing

I considered ‘Twin-edge’ for a moment, but picked ‘Shortsword+’, since reach was the biggest issue right now.

“Man, you’re just going all in on length, huh?” Panda remarked, while the sword grew longer and more pristine in my hand.

“Won’t hear me complain!” Brock said.

Congratulations! You have unlocked an achievement! x

‘One-sided’

Picked the left option six times in a row.

That’s right, we’ve been counting.

Don’t take this the hard way, but it’s time to get out of your comfort zone…

Reward: Next evolution choice has to be the rightmost option

“Ah, what the fuck, that’s bullshit!” I yelled at the achievement.

“They can do that??” Panda commented. “That’s pretty unfair. What if the next rightmost option is something that screws everything up!?”

I gritted my teeth. “This System clearly doesn’t play by standard rules of fairness, yet still feels justified in upholding its ‘rules’.”

“It’s not that I don’t agree with you,” Panda started, “But it’s hard to take you serious when you’re not wearing any clothes.”

“Oh… right.”

I opened my inventory:

Gambit’s Inventory x

A wanted posted that reads 'gambit'.

A looking glass.

A I-think-that's-a-whistle whistle.

A wet set of pajamas.

A neat black suit.

A screwdriver.

Socks that were meant to be "fingerless" but most definitely are intact (thank you, AI Artist-san...).

A party hat.

A succulent pacifier.

Another neat black suit.

A fancy ol pocket watch (which incidentally has no weight, because it is an event item).

A survival kit (that looks like a sewing kit).

Total Inventory Weight: 30.9 Pandas

“Man, I’ve got so much junk in here,” I said, while putting on my suit again. It was already pretty tattered, so I was glad I had a spare handy.

“Don’t throw it out, it could be worth something later!”

“Since when were you a hoarder?” I asked him.

“Gambit… I’ve seen the way you play games. Quite frankly, it sickens me. You’re always getting stuck on difficult bosses because you use your potions on the smallest things.”

“Well, I don’t want to go into a fight with 97% health! That’s insane!”

“You lovebirds done? The blood on me willy is all dry. I wanna be stabbed in somethin’ warm!”

“Please stop referring to your blade like that,” Panda told him.

I looked at Brock as he lay in my hand. “Inspect,” I said, bringing up the menu:

‘Brock’ x

This is your weapon for the WEAPONLUTION GAME.

Level:

4

Evolutions:

Kitchen Knife+

Shortsword+

Length: 22 inches

Weight: 3 Pandas

“Look at me, all grown up!” Brock said, apparently able to see his own stats, which was odd.

“Still twenty-one more kills to go…” I remarked soberly.