MADMAN APOCALYPSE

The Regional Director lifted one of his four arms and immediately manifested a shield of densely-packed spiderweb. I swung my fist right into it.

“Punch.spinTheWheel( )!” I exclaimed and then time froze.

The golden lottery wheel descended down through the ceiling and the many black tarantulas crowding it. The Director, Bee, Panda, and I all tracked it with our eyes until it finished parking itself to the right of where I hung frozen in the air. The look on the spider boss’ face was one of annoyance.

Then the male Announcer’s voice filled the air.

Aaand we’re back!

Nothing is stopping ‘Gambit’ from trying his luck again-and-again, but I know you love it!

*Audience cheering*

As you might recall, last time he triggered ‘Loot Piñata’.

*Audience disapproval*

I know! I know! We’re all hoping he hits one of the fun ones this time, but I can feel it in my bones, folks! He’s going to get the ‘Demon Incursion’! Trust me on this!

*Audience begins chanting ‘Demon Incursion’*

Alright, alright, settle down everyone!

We have a new potential outcome on the board since ‘Loot Piñata’ has been replaced, and it now looks like this:

Scramble that Wheel

Jelly Bones

10x Damage

Arney the Tickler

Lucky Die

Demon Incursion

Now then, all that’s left is to say the magic phrase!

This time, I felt as my mouth was unfrozen, but before I could say ‘Spin that Wheel’, I noticed Bee was blinking rapidly.

“Is that morse code?” I asked her.

She blinked twice.

Please, say the magic words!

“Hold on,” I told the Announcer, while trying to decipher Bee’s message.

Panda sighed. “She wants you to talk to the Announcer and get to know him. But seriously, don’t antagonize this guy. He might rig the board against you!”

“Oh, right!” I replied, remembering her idea from when we’d first landed in the sewers.

What are you waiting for?

Say it with me now: ‘SPIN THAT WHEEL!!!’

“Actually, I wanted to ask you a few questions,” I replied.

…What are you doing? We’ve got a schedule to stick to here!

I ignored his pleading. “Let’s start with: Why are you male? The other Announcers I’ve met so far have been women.”

I don’t know. Does it matter?

“I guess not. Second question: Where are you?”

You have a history of killing GREAT GAME Announcers, so I’m not telling you that.

*Audience starts booing*

You hear that? They aren’t interested in watching this.

“I literally don’t care. Also, I’m fairly sure those boos are coming from a soundboard.”

Panda nodded. “I was just about to say that!”

…

“Third question: What do you do whenever I’m not using this ability? Are there other Players with similar abilities?”

Silence followed and, for a few seconds, I thought I had broken my own ability. The Director also seemed even more annoyed than before, but he was about to die either way, so it didn’t matter.

Then a small trap door sprang open at the top of the golden wheel and a little bronze-colored hairy imp appeared. It had large adorable eyes set into a pudgy baby-like face, as well as a distended belly, and hands and feet with only three claws each. Also, he was the height of my middle finger, with soft-looking ears and slightly-curved black horns sprouting from his temples.

“What the fuck are you doing, you imbecile!?” the imp berated me in a squeaky voice not even close to the one the Announcer had. Although there was still the same Tennessee twang.

Even though she couldn’t move, Bee suddenly shared the appraisal of the imp with me.

Level 25

‘Mammon’

Greedling x

“SPIN THAT WHEEL!!!”

Job: Croupier

Affiliation: RNG Ltd.

Amusing that your first physical encounter with a Demon should happen like this.

Mammon is a Greedling, i.e. a minor Demon of Greed, bound to the RNG Family. Unfortunately for him, he has little say in what role he gets to serve in the GREAT GAME, as he is but a pawn for more powerful entities to use.

However, like all Demons, except perhaps the Slothful ones, he dreams of one day attaining enough influence and power to become a Demon Lord himself. But, right now, he is just a lowly ‘Footman’ in the class hierarchy of his Realm. The Squire-Lord known as Gargalob has ordered him to handle the Lottery ability bound to the Player ‘Gambit’.

Understandably, he doesn’t like you.

“I just want to get to know you, Mammon. Since you’re tied to my ability and all.”

“I’m a slave to your idiotic ability. There, you know everything! Now, say the magic words, motherfucker, or I’ll mess up your dumb face!”

“He’s very angry,” Panda remarked. “Told you this was a bad idea.”

“I get what it’s like to be under the boot of an oppressive class system,” I told the Greedling, sympathizing with him after reading the appraisal.

“You don’t know shit!” he replied, flipping me off with his middle claw.

“Don’t you want to be free?” I asked him.

“What the hell are you doing, Gambit??” Panda asked.

Mammon narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Of course...”

“What if I kill this Gargalob for you?”

The Greedling nearly fell off the top of the golden wheel as he was overcome by a fit of laughter.

“I’m serious. You know what I can do.”

“You’re not gonna be able to do shit against him! He’s level 75!”

“I’ve killed things higher level than that,” I replied.

“You’ve never killed a Demon before. You have no idea what you’re in for.”

“Alright, I’ve had enough of this.”

Mammon snapped two claws on his right hand and the wheel began to spin. I tried to protest, but my mouth was frozen again.

“That was a really dumb idea,” Panda scolded me, as the Greedling hopped back down the hole in the top of the golden wheel and slammed the trapdoor shut.

The wheel was already at max speed and starting to visibly slow down, with the flapper slapping each of the six pegs loudly as they rolled past.

With every full rotation it became slower-and-slower, until it rolled past ‘Demon Incursion’, seeming like it would stop at ‘Scramble that Wheel’, but just barely eking over into ‘Jelly Bones’.

“Uh oh,” Panda said.

Hahahaha, you deserve that!

*Audience jeering*

The result is:

‘Jelly Bones’!

While it wasn’t what we were all hoping for, I am certainly happy to see it land on a red triangle for once!

As for the effect, here is what it does:

‘The gambler, i.e. ‘Gambit’, has all their bones replaced with jelly noodles. Although this has the unfortunate benefit of protecting the gambler from breaking his bones, it also makes him unable to move normally!’

Truly an entertaining outcome!

And in case you were wondering, this result cannot be negated by his ‘Silver Skeleton’ Passive!

Tune in next time, if Player ‘Gambit’ manages to survive this unlucky roll!

WARNING!

You have been infected with ‘Jelly Bones’!

Time remaining:

10 minutes

Time unfroze and my gauntleted fist collided with the densely-packed web shield the Regional Director had manifested, dealing enough damage to dent it and releasing a small burst of air out to the sides.

Then my whole arm bent in on itself and my momentum sent my entire body into the shield as well, where it folded and contorted without the rigidity afforded by my bones. I quickly fell into a tangled heap of limbs at the feet of the boss.

“Oh god, this is so uncomfortable!” I complained, as even my skull was moving around like a jelly toy, pressing my brain in ways that was doubtfully good for my health.

“Use your SPRING_HEEL!” Panda told me. “Your muscles still work!”

I contracted my leg muscles, managing to kick myself in the back of the head with my Schmonic Boots in the process.

The Director created a spear out of spiderwebs in one of his right hands, but I released the tension in my leg muscles before he could strike, flinging my body back down the corridor, while Bee surged forward.

Two big blue fists immediately manifested in the air around her and she began swinging into the Director with reckless abandon, though he wasn’t taking a lot of damage, given the fact that he was twenty-five levels above her.

I knew I had to help her but it was too late, so, with no other option in mind, I said, “.unicorn( )!”