Loser System and Berserker Me

“Great Patola? Little Patola?”

Shu Yichao looked at the map.

“That color is such an eyesore.”

He was planning to head to Dayuan to restore their tradition of annual tributes to Great Tang, but he wasn’t planning to take his usual straight route. He had nothing better to do right now anyway, so he figured that he might as well beat up all the countries along the way.

He first sent yet another wave of terracotta soldiers to be rid of at the Iron Gate Pass before personally leading an army toward Great Patola and Little Patola. These two places were better known to him as…

“Kashmir, right?”

…

In a majestic building in Little Patola…

“Paying respects to the Holy Nation’s envoy. Paying respects to the esteemed Eminence.”

Little Patola’s officials entered a hall, then they kneeled down and bowed to Weryomahners, who was resting on the throne. Their king was seated on a smaller chair by the side.

It was disrespectful for the Tibetan envoy to take their king’s seat, but none of Little Patola’s officials dared to express their displeasure. That would only be creating a reason for the other party to punish them.

After the officials had paid their respects, Little Patola’s king carefully asked, “Holy envoy, may I enquire the reason behind your visit?”

Weryomahners swirled the wine cup in her hands, not saying a word.

The hall descended into silence.

The king sweated profusely as he wondered if he had unwittingly offended the envoy.

It can’t be, right? I am at least an extended relative of the Tibetan Empire. They shouldn’t turn against me for no reason.

A few heavy minutes passed before Weryomahners finally spoke up, “Tang bandits are causing trouble in the Western Region. We need you to deploy your troops to quell the unrest. You don’t have any problem with that, right?”

“Of course not, of course not!” Little Patola’s king fervently shook his head.

You must be kidding me! Unless I want someone to scrape my skin off to make human skin drums, I would never dare to have a problem with that!

That’s good to hear.

They are just taking a couple of soldiers away. I probably have to spend a hefty sum to bribe this envoy too, but at least it won’t hurt our foundation.

He breathed a sigh of relief.

After the banquet concluded, just as Little Patola’s king was about to make relevant arrangements regarding the envoy’s request, his aide suddenly grabbed his arm and asked, “Your Majesty, should we… give this matter more thought?”

“…” Taken aback, the king asked, “What rumors have you heard?”

“Your Majesty, don’t you find it concerning?” his aide asked. “The Tibetans had always dispatched their own troops to quell rebellions. They have never needed to tap into our small army. Also, I heard rumors that… the Tang bandits are stirring quite a commotion in the Western Region, and the Tibetans are in a bad position…”

“Are you advising me to considering switching allegiance?” The king rolled his eyes. “Did water get into your head? It’s still too premature! We have only heard rumors thus far; no one knows how strong the Tang army truly is! Besides, this isn’t the first time they are causing trouble, but they were quelled every single time. It’ll probably be the same this time.

“I’m guessing that the Tibetans are telling us to dispatch our troops because we have been obedient in recent days, so they are giving us a chance to accrue merit. If we are able to make a significant contribution to quelling the rebellion, they might just include us in their inner circle.”

“…” The aide harbored his reservation regarding this matter. “Your Majesty, why don’t we dispatch the forestmen?”

Little Patola and Great Patola were located on a plain amidst a mountain range.

There was not much of a forest here, but it was somewhat lush compared to the barren desert around them. It also didn’t help but some fool that mistranslated ‘stone mountain’ into ‘forests’, so the mountain dwellers here somehow became known as forestmen instead.

Resources were scarce in the region, so the forestmen, with the archery they had honed through hunting, often had to join the armies of nearby nations to keep their families from starving.

So, the king’s aide thought that he could send those lowly peasants to die instead.

If the Tibetan Empire won, they would be meritorious subjects for their contribution in quelling the rebellion. If the Tang army won, they could claim that the forestmen had defied royal orders and moved on their own accord.

“You’re thinking too far ahead,” the king snorted. “We don’t even know if those desert dwellers can climb their way up here. It’s also doubtful whether they can adapt the freezing weather up here or not.”

Little Patola was surrounded by steep mountainous paths covered in snow. Fighting a war in such an environment was challenge. Even Great Tang, when it was at the peak of its power, had struggled to conquer this region, let alone an upstart rebel army.

How braindead must a person be to ignore the closer enemies and instead attack a small nation located in a plateau? That was plain irrational!

“You’re right, Your Majesty.”

The aide had to concede that their king made sense, so he decided not to harp on this matter.

They had already forgotten how, decades ago, a Tang general had led an army deep into the plateau and crushed them. (T/N: This is referring to Gao Xianzhi (Go Seonji)’s campaign against Gilgit. He was one of the celebrated military commanders in Great Tang.)

…

“The Tang army is here!”

Cloud Fort was an important stronghold leading to Little Patola. It was located in a strategic terrain that made it highly defensible—its east, west, and south were steep cliffs, whereas its north was a river. (T/N: It was attacked by Gao Xianzhi in 747.)

The Tibetan Empire wouldn’t allow Little Patola to grasp control over such an important stronghold, so the soldiers stationed here were either Tibetans or forestmen servants.

All in all, they were around 10,000-men strong, which would have been enough to deal with most armies.

But when the commander of the Cloud Fort’s garrison troops saw the humongous wave of terracotta soldiers charging toward them, he wondered if his 10,000 men were even enough for the enemies to floss their teeth.

“Sir, there’s no need to be disheartened!” His vice commander tried to raise his morale. “We have the geological advantage here. No matter how strong the Tang army is… AH?!”

The vice commander swore that he had never seen anyone sieging in such a manner.

Oh no, there’s a ditch ahead! What should we do? Should we bring in the ladders?

Of course not. We just have to dump enough terracotta soldiers in to fill up the ditch, then we’ll be able to advance as if walking on flat ground!

Oh no, there’s a river ahead! How should we cross it? Do we need to construct a bridge?

Of course not. We just have to dump enough terracotta soldiers in to pave a wide path out of bones and mud.

Oh no, there’s a wall ahead!

It’s still the same. There are good brothers around that can be used as construction materials.

So, it didn’t take long for the undead army to create a straight path into the fort.

Cloud Fort’s garrison troops were stupefied.

They watched in horror as the ghost horsemen, now riding on giant sand monitors, charged across the paved path and arrived before them in the blink of an eye, easily ripping through their thin defense line.

“Oh no!” Seeing the casualties swiftly stack up, the commander snapped out of his daze and rallied his army together to put up a resistance. “Men, gather around me! We shall…”

Bzt!

A lightning bolt whizzed across the air and zapped him, reducing him to a charred corpse.

Having lost their highest commander, Cloud Fort’s garrison troops succumbed to chaos and swiftly crumbled. In a few moments, they were already drowning under the flood of terracotta soldiers.

Cloud Fort had fallen!

With this, the doors to Little Patola was opened to Shu Yichao.

…

It was late at night.

The king of Little Patola was enjoying his sleep when he heard a ruckus outside. A slight frown formed on his forehead as he pulled his blanket upward to cover his head, hoping to drown out the noises outside.

However, the noises didn’t fade. Instead, it got louder.

“What are you kicking a fuss for?!” Unable to take it anymore, the king leaped out of bed and walked to his room door as he hollered, “Try making any more noises and I’ll behead you!”

To his surprise, when he opened the door, he found himself faced with his flustered aide.

“Your Majesty, bad news! The Tang army has appeared outside our city!”

“HA?!” The king was stunned.