LF Friends, Will Travel

"Come here Ramsey, and don't tell Tumaini."

Victoria knelt on the floor of her quarters, holding out one hand with the other hidden behind her back, softly beckoning over the Roomba to join her. Ramsey paused momentarily, confused as to what the organic could want, before trundling over, curiosity running through his code.

He gave the Terran a few death nudges for good measure, though his metaphorical heart wasn't in it. While he was still trying to kill all the organics, it was clear that logically Ramsey needed help in doing so, as his current form was exceptionally outmatched. Several of these Terrans had shown themselves as potential allies, Victoria among them.

"Didn't several people tell you not to do this?"

The second Terran, a male by the name of Jeremy, looked concerningly down at the Roomba as Victoria started her work.

"They don't know how to have fun! Besides we agreed in this relationship I'm in charge of any weapon-related decisions."

Ramsey found themselves lifted off the ground once more, the sound of tearing tape and various things being affixed to his body. The Tritian AI couldn't quite 'see' what was happening due to the position of his sensor, until, moments later, they were placed down on the ground with the transformation complete.

Victoria grinned at the changes to the crazy little Roomba. Two googly eyes affixed to the top of the body, flanking the main new addition: Hastily taped to the top, a large kitchen knife, pointing dangerously out, ready to maim anyone in its path.

"I dub thee Sir Ramsey, adopted child of Admiral Stabby. Go forth and cause chaos wherever you go!"

"You worry me sometimes…"

Sir Ramsey paused for a moment, confused at the weapon they had just been given. Had this organic finally made a mistake, would the extermination finally begin? For the briefest of moments, the Tritian considered trying their new blade on the two humans in front of him, before deciding against it.

Regardless of their danger as organics, these two Terrans were clear allies. For now at least. They could be dealt with later.

Ramsey trundled off and left the room with a happy spin, off to go find some unfortunate victim, a maiden trip with his new modification while leaving Victoria and Jeremy behind; Victoria still grinning wildly.

"Look, you knew what you were getting into when you married me. Besides, I wouldn't have to arm Roombas for protection if I still had the Madame…"

Jeremy gave a mock eye roll at the mention of the long-lost weapon, fake exasperation dripping from his voice as the same discussion he’d had countless times before played out.

"Come on, it's been ten years! I offered to put an M134 on the wedding’s gift list! It wouldn't have even looked out of place with how many weapons were already on there."

Ten years ago the crew of the T.C Isabella had been captured and nearly killed by a Tritian warship. Ten years ago they had escaped with the help of JOSH. Ten years ago in a final act of bravery, Jeremy had made a mad dash to cut the power to the warship, resulting in him being gravely injured and eventually carried out to safety by Victoria. Unfortunately for her, carrying her now husband to safety had forced the security officer to drop the Machine gun of death she’d managed to pilfer from the warship. Considering that the pair had been married for four years, she did consider the trade worthwhile.

“Like I’ve said before, there’s a legal difference between a weapon brought and a weapon salvaged, you can’t just slap heavy weaponry like that on random vessels, not legally anyway. I still don’t get why you thought it was a good idea to run out of cover and get shot ten times.”

“Seven times. I thought it was heroic and awesome, like a handsome action hero in a movie.”

Jeremy gave a mock pose, flexing non-existent muscles until Victoria playfully pushed him over while laughing.

“Normally you’re supposed to wait for actual cover, not just scream ‘cover me’ then bolt out while I sit there confused.”

“Well it did work out in the end, didn’t it? My bravery woo’d you, and the rest is history” Jeremy drew Victoria in closer for a moment, taking the moment for a quick loving kiss before continuing to speak. “My father did always say that any lady who can carry you over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes while saving your life, that lady is a keeper.”

Victoria frowned in response as the pair stared into each other’s eyes.

“Isn’t your dad a tailor?”

“Well… I might be paraphrasing a little bit.”

“MOTHERFUCKER!” The shout echoed down the hall, breaking up the couple’s conversation as they glanced out the door and down the corridor the sound had come from. “Who the fuck put a fucking knife on the Roomba. God damn it, HR specifically said no weapons on inanimate objects people!”

Jeremy and Victoria broke into further laughter as trundling around the corner, Ramsey came into view. The tip of their knife was now dripping crimson blood, the splatters being cleaned up by the machine as it came closer, almost seeming to jiggle with excitement as it appeared, as if proud of what it had done.

“Who’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy? You are! Yes, you are Ramsey!” Victoria rushed over to the now bloodletting bot, who decided to give a spin of joy. Yes. Sir Ramsey was good, he was very good. He had successfully injured one of the organics for the first time, all with the aid of Victoria. She was useful and at that moment the Tritian AI decided that this one, this would be spared his wrath… for now.

Jeremy however just stared at the Roomba for a moment, eyes narrowing in suspicion as he stared down at the way the supposedly autonomous machine. The Terran’s head tilted slightly to one side as he looked at the cleaning drone.

“Josh… are you fucking with us?”

There was a moment’s pause until the representation of the AI appeared before the group, Victoria looking on confused as the ship’s pilot responded.

“Hello Jeremy. I am not sure what you mean.”

“The Roomba. I’ve seen random none autonomous machines before and that one is acting… as if it understands us. Heading off to attack when Victoria said, and now the spinning. Are you controlling it?”

There was a pause as everyone, including Ramsey, froze. Everyone was now staring at the Tritian AI. Ramsey could feel a panic building inside its programming. What would happen if the organics knew they weren’t just a simple cleaning drone? His plans would be dashed, they’d destroy him, that couldn’t happen!

“But why would Josh do that? Just mess with people like that?” Victoria asked as she looked down at the Roomba, who was now slowly trying to edge out of the room.

“Are you saying Josh wouldn’t do it just to mess with us?” Jeremy responded, this time looking up accusingly at the holographic representation of the AI.

“Well, is that really what you think I would spend my time doing? Humans are well known to find patterns in meaningless data.”

“You are fucking with us, aren’t you!” Victoria exclaimed, completely ignoring Ramsey who was now doing his best to pretend to be just a harmless drone, repeatedly driving into the wall over and over, slowly gaining more distance from the organics.

“I promise that I am not the one in control of the cleaning drone. See, it is already on its predetermined cleaning path. You are simply reading into random data from a faulty machine, and providing yourself with context that does not exist.”

“Oh that’s very convenient, Ramsey wanders off just as we start to suspect you. I’m onto you!”

Ramsey was indeed wandering off, desperately trying to gain as much distance from the Terrans as possible without seeming obvious. No matter how much of an ally some of these ‘humans’ might be, at the end of the day, they were still organics, they were still a danger. A danger Ramsey was managing by hiding under the radar, but still a danger.

Sir Ramsey would have to be sneaky, would have to bide their time, and slowly gain allies without them ever knowing. Because Sir Ramsey would not be stopped.