Leftover Apocalypse

"Most of the food on this side of the Endless Empire is like... appetizer platters," the older version of me said, still looking deeply amused at my shock and discomfort. "And that's great, but this place has some really good steak and stuff, so it's nice for variety. I know you're holding a knife under the table. I'm not going to hurt you or anything, and also... not to be a dick about it but if we got in a fight you'd be fucked."

I kept my hand on the knife. "How do I know that you're me, and not... hmm. I guess a shape-shifting mind reader is a bit much."

She leaned closer, looking excited. "Oh no, that's totally a thing. Shape-shifters are the Klunlesh, real fuckers. One tried to take my place once, I think. But in this case, it would be someone using enhancement magic like a plastic surgeon, because the Klunlesh can't read your mind without murdering you in the process. So one person would be the mind reader, and the other would mold their features to look like us. It would probably work, but that's not what's happening here."

"That wasn't very reassuring."

She grinned. "I know. Sorry. It's just really cool to see me like this. Man, I am jealous as fuck right now. I've had a... just a really bad time. I didn't have that bracelet, so I didn't speak the language and had to be terrified of eating anything. They eventually got someone out to fix that and then I ran away, made it down to Yallowsben on my own. But even without the allergies I was getting sick all the time.

"Medical care is free in theory, they make people agree to some number of years of service as healers or whatever other job if they get magic from the Dumineres - you know about that, right? Good. But I wasn't a citizen and also Yallowsben just kinda sucks. Anyway, I made it to here and got a room with Mila that I shared with some friends I'd made. But... they got murdered, and the guards found me standing over their bodies covered in blood which obviously didn't look good.

"Got put on trial, obviously, and they pulled out this guy that could magically force you to tell the truth which I was all in favor of except they started asking more questions than they needed to. Like, this is simple. Did you kill those guys? Do you know who did? No? Okay great, have a good day, sorry your roommates got gutted because they ran into some spies. Uh. I didn't know the spy part at the time. I mean I'm only kinda sure now."

There was a knock on the door, and the woman from before brought in a plate for me with a huge steak and some of the broccoli-like vegetables. The second the door shut I tried to get a word in, since older me - if that's who she was - hadn't really stopped to take a breath. "Okay so. Wait. What the fuck is going on. There's time travel now?"

"I'm getting to that. There's... there are magical contracts here. And I'm not allowed to talk about much, that's why I couldn't put anything in the letter. But in person... I'm..." she took a deep breath and stared ahead, not really looking at me but sort of through me, "I'm just talking to myself. There's nobody in this room that isn't me. So that's fine, that doesn't break the terms of the contract, see?"

Well that seemed like a very obscure loophole.

She focused back on me, and smiled. "Anyway, I'm starting with the easy stuff that isn't really restricted. Some of the other parts might be hard for me to say. And I guess none of this part matters, since it's not going to happen the same way for you - it's already different, obviously. Anyway. They asked - at the trial, I mean - where I was from and I said Arizona. And they asked where that was, and I was trying to beat around the bush so I just said... shit I skipped part. This is fucking wild. Brinkmar, from the Jake Ross books, is absolutely a real place. I've even..." She hesitated and closed her eyes, clearly having to force the words out. "I've been there. Briefly."

I felt a wave of jealousy wash over me. "Oh man. I have to go. I heard it was real - and by the way, what the hell? How is that possible? How does the timing work out if... wait, is this a time travel thing?"

She looked uncomfortable. "Maybe? Officially time travel isn't possible. And what I did, it was... different. It's complicated. I can travel back in time though, a teeny bit, and even that's not supposed to work. But when it comes to Brinkmar there's something... ugh. Contract shit. I can say it, it just feels... bad. And it's not the point right now. Let me back up, and do the less sensitive stuff first.

"So they ask where Arizona is, and still trying to avoid mentioning Earth too specifically I tell them it's in the same country the 'savior of Brinkmar' came from. Not the best way to avoid awkward follow-up questions, but it's better than diving right into Earth stuff - or so I thought. But it turns out that the Eternal Empire is very interested in getting into Brinkmar, and now they want to talk to me.

"Hammersmith is heading up this multi-nation task force to deal with problems related to the Grand Alignment - you've heard about it? Good. Okay so in about seven hundred days there's going to be a huge natural disaster along with a bunch of crazy magic users doing big arcane shit they otherwise would never be able to pull off. And not surprisingly, some of them are fascist assholes or mad scientists or people trying to become demigods. Oh hey, I've met a demigod, I'm scheduled to go see him again tomorrow which is... Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I know that just raises other questions. Back to the thing.

"At any rate, Halenvar is supposed to be part of this task force but it becomes clear they're using the resources to pull their own bullshit, and when they get called out they start attacking other countries to steal or destroy some ancient magic stuff. And one of the main targets is any of the old gateways into Brinkmar."

I waved to stop her. "Wait. You need a gateway to get into Brinkmar?"

"Oh! Yeah, sorry. It's not here. Brinkmar is another plane, it's this little side dimension that's just a big island floating on a sea of mercury. Well, not mercury, but that's kinda what it looks like. The other planes all have their own weird things, different laws of physics and shit. Some are easier to get to than others, and Brinkmar is locked down magically. Even with the gateways they need someone special to open them, but Halenvar has that because they were Brinkmar's main ally before it went to shit like thirteen hundred years ago."

I was still a little unclear on the timeline for Brinkmar stuff, but I let it slide for now.

"Anyway," she continued, "they drag me to a gateway and it lights up. Presumably this is because I'm from the same place as Jake Ross, who I suppose is a real person from Earth. I couldn't open it, because in addition to needing an authorized person you need to wait for the plane to be in alignment. So they made me sign a contract, and I demanded to get to stay in Theramas rather than getting locked in a secure facility somewhere and made them promise to let me go no questions asked and pay me a bunch of money once I got them into Brinkmar. And it... kinda worked. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped. But the good news is that Hammersmith is all about respecting promises and shit, and after I showed up here again half dead - I'm getting to that - I was able to negotiate some allowances based on the old contract. I didn't manage to convince them that they had to let me go, but they paid me and they agreed to let me stay here even though honestly they should absolutely be hiding me in a secret base on another plane or something."

Something felt off about my doppelganger. She was a little manic, and her eyes were getting watery for some reason. She'd seemed so cool and collected when I walked in, but I was starting to wonder if this older version of me was barely hanging on. "Okay," I said, "I've got the part leading up to Hammersmith and I know you end up back here but it's only sort of time travel. But also you can time travel some, even though it's impossible. It feels like I'm missing a pretty big part in the middle. Oh! And! Did you destroy a secret laboratory? Uh. Some guy named Ulren?"

"Yes! Holy shit, how did you know that part?" She leaned back, looking at me as if I was the strange one. "That's one of the main things I was struggling to tell you, what the hell?"

"You said in the letter people might be looking for me. Well guess what? Hugh and I got attacked, I had to get stabby. And the tracker guy mentioned Ulren's lab when he was interrogating me, right before Telen told him to kill me. Man, I really want to hurt that motherfucker. Not the tracker, he's dead. Telen. The second time I ran into him he was threatening to kill a toddler."

"Wait. Stop, back that up. You 'ran into' Telen twice and you're not dead?"

"Well, the tracker did a deliberately shitty job killing me so he could... I dunno. I think it was fifty-fifty wanting me to die slowly and wanting me to live so he could poke at my brain more. And then the other time Telen was in the next room and I was just eavesdropping, he never actually saw me. I mean we were briefly in the same room, because when he teleported in I was hiding behind a potted plant, but... hey, you okay?"

My doppelganger nodded, eyes wide. "Yeah. Sorry I almost got you killed? Don't... don't be in the same city as that guy again if you can avoid it, okay?"

"That's going to make it hard to stab him in the eye," I said, and then saw the look on her face. "Kidding! Jesus. You're... what, two years older than me and you're going to give me the talk about being safe? Anyway, since I already know about the lab can you... elaborate?"

"Probably. Some. Eat your food though, it's getting cold. And it's really fucking good." She leaned in again, grinning. "It's dinosaur."

"Oh shit, yeah, I rode on one! I have one, in the stable!"

"A moskar? Yeah, same basic idea. Not quite the same animal though, moskar count as monsters technically because they can use mana to run way further without stopping than a normal critter would. This is a cousin, but it doesn't have magic so it would be categorized as a beast."

I took a bite. It was heaven. "Oh my god. This is so much better than the meat I've been eating. I don't even know what animal it is, they just label it as red or white. Or gray, at one place, but I didn't try that."

She was smiling in a bad way. Like I was the butt of a joke. Oh no. No. What had I been eating?

"Do I want to know?" I asked, and she just snickered. "Jesus. Okay, let me have it."

"Red, white, and gray meat - gray is like seafood, by the way - isn't an animal. Or... it kind of is? They're just... big meat things with no brains. Like magically engineered animals that just sit there and spasm all day, there's no eyes or legs or anything. Just twitching lumps that you carve bits off of and cook."

"Wait so... okay that's..." Huh. I was having some very complicated feelings. "That's super strange and gross and horrible but also... probably better? Right? I mean, from an animal rights kinda view, not that I ever really cared. I mean if there's no brain it can't be in pain really so... Hmm."

"Yeah, it's a strange one. Hugh is the one who told me about it, while I was literally slung over his shoulder trying to bite him. He was dragging me back one of the times I escaped, I think he really enjoyed our little fights. You mentioned him, is he here somewhere? When did you ditch him?"

"Hugh, yeah. He saved my life a few times, seemed pretty cool. He had to bail at Handoleren after the governor got beheaded by Telen. But he left us the moskar when he wasn't supposed to, so really rather than us ditching him he helped us ditch his replacement."

"I knew Hugh was a fucking softie, but he must have really liked you. I'm glad I could get them to send him. He's technically retired and technically doesn't answer to anyone in this place since he's actually from the kingdom of Erathik which is up on the other side of the Free states. Anyway, it's my fault he had to leave. Also, I guess, that the governor got beheaded? I brought back intel from... let's just call it the old timeline. It's been a little less than three weeks - sorry, that's fantasyland time, six days a week here - and already the shit I've told them has completely changed the war. Halenvar is royally fucked, they're getting thrashed. But they're still going to need my help to get into Brinkmar and clear out Gilbrecht Halenvar and the troops he has there.

"He's a fucking nut. Just an absolute batshit crazy fucker. He... hmm. Yeah. I can say this. No details, I'll give you those later. The contract is... uncomfortable... with this whole situation, but you already know some and like I said I'm kinda just talking to myself. It's hard because I'm also trying to break the contract in another way, and the logic conflicts some. Anyway. Short version, Halenvar is fucking with leftover magic stuff from the Old Empire, the one that took over almost the whole known world for ages. But this shit is locked up in vaults in Brinkmar reserved for super dangerous world-ending stuff, which is why the queen of Brinkmar never used them probably. It's possible these were also what Thanatos - er, Tantek really, they changed his name for the Jake Ross books - was fucking with.

"But also, maybe, there's a religious angle? Like there's this one cult that thinks existence was a mistake, and some people think he's into that shit? I don't know about that. I think he really just wanted to take over and got help from them out of convenience. But he also got help from that Ulren guy, who made a thing to bust into the vaults. And then Ulren also started playing with the doomsday devices because he was a classic mad scientist. A lot of this stuff I only know the basics, when I ended up working for the task force thing, sorta-kinda against my will, I was more involved in the Ulren part and in trying to convince them that time travel was possible - or at least that Ulren thought it was."

She sighed. "There's too much. I'll... try and tell you more detail tomorrow. No, the next day. Tomorrow is my demigod meeting. Maybe I can get away for dinner tonight or breakfast tomorrow or... Anyway. Some people went to stop Halenvar, and I went with another team to stop Ulren, and I guess that first team fucked up or something and the world kinda sorta ended and I kinda sorta fixed it? I think I was supposed to go back in time, like all these coincidences were lining up to... anyway. I did it but not how I think the universe expected me to. I know I sound crazy, and I think I am a little crazy, but I also think I'm right. I've been having memory problems, even before almost getting aged to death - I'll get to that later - and so maybe I'm imagining things and the universe wasn't trying to make me fuck with time. But there are forces, semi-intelligent forces, that try to keep this world working. And it's possible some of them were messing with me, maybe to help keep the world from ending. Or to cause it, fuck, I don't know."

That sense that she was on the edge was back. Like she was on drugs, or sleep deprived and manic, or... something. I wanted to give her a break from this topic, but I had one question that really needed asking. "Is the world going to end again?"

"No! No. I fixed that. I mean, not the part where I actually fixed the world, that's... a whole thing. I mean that Ulren, this new timeline's version of Ulren, is dead. And he hadn't made the device that would get Halenvar into the place they keep the doomsday shit, and the war is about to end really early because of all the intel I brought back, and I'll still let the task force guys into Brinkmar when it comes into alignment so they can clean the place out. It's fine. End of the world averted. No leftover problems or loose ends.

"Hammersmith is trying to keep me here, and I need to figure that out. This has sucked for me. I got magic, but had to get it with strings attached and then they made me train in a really miserable way and I've been stuck in Theramas practically the whole time. But she doesn't have her claws in you. You haven't agreed to shit. That means you get to have what I didn't - you get to just relax and go on an adventure and enjoy being in a world of magic and stuff. One of the things I haven't told anyone is that there's a Duminere that was found in my timeline that's lost still at this point. If we can get there first you can get magic with no strings attached, whichever abilities you want. I have the notes from the expedition, and we can start planning right away - just us and some guides and stuff."

She still looked mildly... off. But it sounded like she'd been stuck with a lot of extremely tense shit and a lot of responsibility, and that's not really how I thrive. Plus she hadn't had the bracelet and had been stuck in one place butting heads with authority figures which is guaranteed to make me lose my shit. "Okay. Cool. Good. But uh... I made some friends? I guess? And they're not really experienced but if possible I'd like to bring them along if that's okay."

My doppelganger arched an eyebrow at me. "Wow, yeah. You work fast, we aren't the friend type normally and you've been traveling this whole time."

"Hah. Yeah, well Errod and Katrin are -"

She flailed, and the chair tipped over backwards with her in it. I heard her head smack against the stone floor, but she shot up to her feet with remarkable speed. "Who? Shit, they're here? They're alive? Oh my god! Go! Go take Errod's shitty sword away before he stabs himself! Holy fuck! I have to go in a minute anyway, Hammersmith's goons are going to come to collect me if I take too long but just... you hold on to those two, and for the love of god don't let them get murdered in an alley this time!"