LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 14: Who You Are
I was in a strange place, with strange clothes, and face to face with a strange man, yet Somehow it all felt so familiar to me.
.I looked the boy directly in the eyes. “Ok… Agis then.” I said, confirming his name. What did you mean when you said to not give up?”
He took another sip from his delicate tea cup and stared right back at me “I don't think it's right for you to die yet, you have too many people still to help. I have put you in a unique situation in which you will be able to change the world forever. Tell me, in those games you played so much throughout your first life, what was the goal, generally speaking.”
“Hm…” I let out a small, slightly annoyed groan. Not only did he not directly answer my question, but his vague response only gave me more questions.
“You would disagree?” He asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.
I repeated his answer in my head. So then when he said to not give up, he meant on life? Am I giving up on life?’ My eyes slowly relaxed as I looked at him, finally piecing things together. His bright silver eyes only continued to build tension, staring into my soul. His gaze never changed, and he never blinked.
As his gaze continued I began to feel like I wanted to hide again. “So, I'm still alive?” I asked, turning to the side so that I could better think, trying to ignore his eyes.
The thought of giving up on life was certainly one that had crossed my mind, it was true, but I didn't see how it was related, or how my life actually mattered like he said.
“I would love to help people, it's just… Wouldn't I only cause more problems for everyone if I stayed alive? And even though I may like helping people I'm really not a fan of pain… or the cold… So I mean…” The embarrassment I felt preoccupied my thoughts, letting my feelings come out uninhibited.
I paused. ‘Is that really the best reason I had for letting myself die, that I didn't like the cold?’ Hearing myself say it out loud made me take a mental step back and think about my situation more practically.
He patiently waited for me to gather my thoughts, and when I was ready, I couldn't help but let out a sigh. “Look, I know I sound like a whiny child right now but… well” My thoughts trailed off. Maybe I was a child, and maybe I was whining, but that didn't change the severity of the problems I faced. No matter how easy it was for me to make them sound trivial.
He took another sip of tea and I pulled my knees to my chest as my mind kept wandering back to all the reasons I had to justify giving up. ‘There is nothing about me that could be defined as special. In fact, it's the opposite. No one in my family wanted me. I'm a disgrace, the black sheep of my house.
Would I really be able to help anyone? it's likely that even later on as I grow older that even knowing me would get others mocked. That sounds kind of lonely… Although I guess that wouldn't be anything new… Being alone would probably be better than being abused… Probably…’
“You can't give up…” His voice severed my spiraling thought like a sword taken to a thin string. I looked up at him. His eyes were so warm and calming that I almost began to feel hot just by looking at them. A calm amber glow radiated from his pupils, different from the hue that they had before. They were softer somehow.
“Where are we anyway?” I asked, trying to change the subject to give myself a break.
“This is the top of Mount Nevora, although I suppose the people you are around call it the frozen flame now. It was created by the third great cataclysm. This cliffside overlooks all of the nation of Skorveyati. You can even see your home from here if you have good eyes.”
I sighed. ‘Or know where to look.’ His answer would have been pretty thorough if I had any idea what the geography was like there. All I knew was that Skorveyati was the name of my home country and that the place where I lived was near the coast.
‘Guess that was a dumb question to ask if I can't even understand the answer…’ “OK… How exactly am I here?”
He took another sip of tea, smiling again. “You aren't here. Well, not physically. This is your spiritual manifestation. That's why you're wearing those clothes and in that body.
He looked down for a moment, his gaze growing distant and the pity in his eyes becoming more prominent. “Your form is a reflection of your true self in a sense. It's the same with me. If we had met in life, I would have likely looked much different than I do now. You look how you did on earth because subconsciously, that is who you still think is your true self.”
“No, that makes sense actually. I know it sounds weird, but I don't even have the faintest idea as to what Siya looks like. We don't have a lot of mirrors in the house. It’s not like I’m not allowed to see my reflection, but it seems like people here don’t really care about how they look.”
“Right…” He said slowly, showing his obvious doubt.
I lowered my head. I had a vague idea of what I looked like, but I had never seen myself clearly. I asked one of the guards one time if I could use their mirror, but when they quickly changed the conversation I pretty much lost all courage to ask again.
If I really wanted to, it wouldn't have been impossible for me to find one, but as time passed, I slowly started to become afraid, thinking it was better if I didn't know.
Still, there were things you didn't need a mirror to tell you. My arms were covered in so many scars that I stopped counting after 23 or so. My body was small, but I actually did have quite a bit of muscle, although not nearly as much as Mara.
I knew my eyes were bright silver too, if not only because so many people commented on them. Of course, the descriptions varied so much that I had no idea what they actually looked like. Piercing, lifeless, glowing, sparkling, sad, apparently my eyes were all of those things.
Then there was my hair. It was always dirty and matted… No matter how hard I tried, washing it in cold water for just a few minutes at a time never managed to do anything to help, and that was the only option I had on most days. Eventually, I got so used to it that I stopped caring and gave up on trying altogether.
“It's no surprise, is it… I liked my life on earth a whole lot more…”
We both paused. In the corner of my eye, I could see him turning to gaze over the cliff's edge, and my eyes slowly followed. The vast ocean was laid out before me with countless miles of terrain sprawled across the land below.
It was calming, but I almost felt like the sight was wasted on me. More so than the beauty, what I saw were cliff-top castles that would be key points in defensive battles and wars, as well as ravines and other natural landmarks that could be well fortified, or used for ambushes.
Even if the beauty of the scenery might have been lost on me, it still calmed me down and allowed my mind to settle. The mix of thoughts and emotions I was feeling all began to slow down, and instead of them welling up inside of me, I felt at peace.