LIGHTNOVELONLINE
Chapter 133: Old Love (2)
...Stop pretending now...sob...embrace me...Hug me, Bell.
How much had I tried to comfort her as she cried like that.
When she tripped over a stone. When she was stung by a bee.
...When she lost her parents. When she was bullied in the orphanage.
I always held her in my arms and soothed her when she cried.
But right now, I cant do that.
Im not doing that.
Standing still, I just watched her as she cried.
...Bell...?
Ner asked from beside me.
I couldnt respond, just looked at Sien.
Sien, ignoring the murmurs around us, speaks only to me.
As if she can only see me in her eyes.
As if shes decided to stop caring about the rest of the world.
Please, Bell...like before...
My jaw clenches involuntarily.
My teeth grit so hard they feel cold.
Even as an adult, she still looks so young to me.
She may be 22 now, but in my eyes, she overlaps with the 9-year-old Sien.
My emotions, once again, rebel against my will, trembling.
Those overwhelming feelings surge up like a rising tide.
...I...
I bow my head and whisper.
...how much longer...can I...
A question Sien probably didnt hear.
Our relationship had changed so drastically.
I decided not to take anymore wives.
She became the Saintess of purity.
Clearly, it was a place I arrived at with the intention of pushing her away. A moment faced to not be entangled in the past anymore.
But, I feel things are getting more complicated instead.
I was wrong, Bell...sob...so...
Sien staggered as she started walking towards me.
Her arms, outstretched, were not retracted.
She walked from afar, as if she would embrace my waist just like that.
...Stop coming closer...!
I shouted at her.
Because if she came any closer in that state, I felt I wouldnt be able to push her away.
And because I might end up holding her in my arms and comforting her, just out of habit.
Only the pitifulness of my weak will is felt.
At my words, Sien froze in place.
Tears streamed down her face, unable to even cover it.
Beside me, my two wives stood, unable to react.
I exposed my private parts of life in the worst way possible in front of them.
...Have you forgotten our dream...?
She asked momentarily.
Strength entered my fists again.
Then, Sien looked at me with a forced smile.
Tears flowed from her eyes, and a strained smile lingered on her lips.
Have you forgotten...our dream to travel the world...?
...
My clenched fist trembled.
Why cant I even respond?
Why cant I push her away more decisively?
My mind knows, but my body wont comply.
Especially when she looks for me, crying like that.
Memories with her...they keep overlapping.
Sien, seeing my silence, continued.
...I havent forgotten your words that you only needed me... I still believe that I only need you, Bell...
At that, Arwin approached me uneasily.
...What is she saying, Berg...?
Ner, likewise, clutched the hem of my clothing.
...Ber...g?
Amidst my wives confusion, I still responded only to Sien.
...I...forgot everything...
A colossal lie rises in my throat.
I lifted my bowed head to look at Sien.
...Dreams, Ive thrown them all away...
But Sien vehemently shook her head at those words.
No. That cant be true. Youre not that kind of person.
.......
Dont keep lying to me...I...sob...I know everything...
Sien said roughly, wiping her eyes.
I havent forgotten your dream either, Bell. You wanted to escape the slums and live in peace, didnt you?
Blood began to seep through the gaps in my clenched fist.
Sien, forgetting nothing, spoke to me.
Soon...the war will end, Bell.
...
...Then, after that...lets abandon everything and run away.
Sien said this with the same expression she had when we dreamt of happy times.
The smile on her lips, the crescent-shaped eyes were the same, but tears still streaked down her cheeks, dripping onto the floor.
Right? Lets leave everything...like you said, lets live together in peace...
Sien took another step towards me.
Then another step.
...And another.
Her footsteps echoed in the vast space.
No one else even dared to breathe.
...Its hard, isnt it, Bell... I know...
She looked at me, then briefly glanced at Ner and Arwin.
As if seeing right through our relationship.
Seeing her like that, I closed my eyes.
Taking a deep breath...trying to gather my thoughts.
...It would be a lie to say I wasnt shaken.
Tired from my days as a mercenary...and sometimes, the rejections from my wives arent easy either.
...Bell... so...hold me...
Suddenly, Sien was right in front of me.
Maybe I was tired of pushing her away.
Maybe I pitied her too much as she cried.
...All excuses, perhaps still harboring feelings for her.
...Unknowingly, my hand twitched.
- Swoosh!
- Swoosh!
Simultaneously, something constricted my body.
A white tail wrapped around my waist.
And hands interlocked.
Looking to my left, I saw Ner holding onto me with an expression I had never seen before.
On my right, Arwin was watching me just the same.
...
...
I could feel the two rings on my fingers.
Around my neck hung Arwins World Tree leaf.
This change... Im realizing it anew.
I was no longer the person who was with Sien back then.
Finally, I looked at Sien.
Her expression grew more anxious.
As if sensing something, she shook her head first and said,
....It cant be, Bell.
I whispered just loud enough for her to hear.
..............Sien.
A name I hadnt called in who knows how long.
Siens tears flowed more fiercely at my words.
Her face contorted again, tears pouring out.
Yes...yes, Bell...I...Im Sien...
...Now, I have people who I must prioritize over you.
....Ah.....Ah....
I wanted to part gently, but it seems that was just wishful thinking.
...People more precious than you have come into my life.
Sien trembled, tears streaming down.
She violently shook her head from side to side.
Dont...dont say that...! Dont say that, Bell...!!
...So...live happily.
Youre supposed to hug me...! This cant be our last time....!!
I closed my eyes and...whispered to her for the last time.
I didnt look at her face.
.............Forget about me, Sien.
Casting that cruel curse, I turned away.
- Thud...
The sound of someone falling behind me reached my ears.
....
I did not look back.
....Bell...
Even as her voice called out to me, I kept walking forward.
Bell....!!
I was leaving her behind, the girl who was once my entire childhood.
Leaving behind the girl who was crying.
Bell!!! Please!!!
But I never looked back at her, not even once.
A situation completely opposite to our parting seven years ago.
...Only now, I realized something.
How Sien must have looked when she left me seven years ago.
I never knew because I only saw her back... but now, I understand.
...When she left me seven years ago, she must have been crying.
****
In a situation witnessed by all, the Saintess lay collapsed, kneeling.
The Hae Church scattered the people, and the royal family moved the remaining crowd.
Perhaps this was done to prevent the spread of rumors about the Saintess, not wanting her situation to be publicized.
The news of the Saintess of Purity having a loved one was enough to shock the Church.
At the same time, they knew this was also a consideration for her.
No one seemed to want to treat her carelessly, especially not her, one of the heroes holding the fate of the war.
If she chose to give up the fight here, the kingdom would have to bear the consequences.
At this point, not knowing who the warrior of solitude was, her departure would have a fatal impact.
So, everyone cleared the space, leaving the immobile Saintess alone.
No one wanted to linger and cause her more harm.
The only ones remaining by her side... were the heroes.
They looked on helplessly, three steps behind their fallen comrade.
The Saintess gazed blankly, tears streaming down, then looked at her own hand.
The symbol of Hae, still intensely etched there.
...
- Scratch!!
Suddenly, without a word, the Saintess began to scratch her hand with her nails.
Saintess...Saintess-nim!
Sylphrien was shocked from behind, but no one could stop the Saintess.
She kept scratching, tearing at the symbol.
It didnt take long for blood to seep out.
Saintess-nim...! Calm down!
The Saintess did not heed her comrades worries.
Just this...! Sob...! If only this wasnt here..!!
She blamed only the fate given to her.
Screaming in frustration.
Never before had they seen her harm herself so severely.
Why me!! Why are you doing this to me!!!
The Saintess cried out to the heavens in resentment.
Always overcoming trials alone, now the Saintess was breaking down.
She, who had always stood up alone, lay collapsed, unable to rise.
Despair was evident in the Saintess voice.
A voice so chilling it gave listeners goosebumps.
How much...!!! How much more do you intend to torment me!!! Isnt this enough!! How much more do I have to sacrifice!!!
Her anguished cries echoed around the mansion.
Why do I have to lose Bell because of you!!!!
- Thump...
Soon, she collapsed, forehead to the ground, and burst into tears for a long time.
Was this what pouring out ones heart looked like?
The hero party had never seen a being groan in such pain.
No deadly poison could induce such agony.
The Saintess cried out loud.
Tears of someone who had lost their most precious being.
Felix, Acran, and Sylphrien could do nothing.
They knew all too well that they were not the ones who could lift her up.
They felt her pain deeply, knowing Siens circumstances.
They knew how happy Sien had been every time she spoke of Berg.
So... they couldnt help but feel anxious.
Perhaps realizing that for the Saintess, this might be the end.
A person doesnt only die when their body ceases to live.
Death comes just the same when the heart dies.
The hero party had seen such instances multiple times in the war.
....That was why the crumbling Saintess felt all the more pitiful and heartbreaking.
But there were no words they could offer.
Berg had left her through a clean break.
It was the first time they had seen the Saintess so desperately seeking affection.
For the first time, they glimpsed this side of the Saintess.
It was unimaginable how intense her longing must have been.
How many people could muster such courage in front of so many?
...
Their fear was not of losing the war.
...Of course, that was a concern to some extent...but what frightened them more was the fear of their comrade becoming a shell of herself.
What must it feel like for someone whose seven years of sacrifice turned to dust?
What does it feel like to have the only reward youve pursued taken away?
How cruel is it to force someone who has lost hope to continue participating in a war?
These were things they could not understand.
.
.
.
Time passed by.
It became night.
No one had moved.
The Saintess was still sitting on the ground, with Felix, Acran, and Sylphrien all watching over her.
They were quietly waiting for the Saintess, who had eventually stopped crying.
They were waiting for the choice she would make.
They had all exchanged unspoken agreements through their looks.
....Even if the Saintess decided to give up everything here, they wouldnt be surprised.
They had agreed to accept it.
They were not cruel enough to drag a comrade, broken to this extent, back to the battlefield.
Forcing her to go would have been akin to murder.
They couldnt take someone who could not find a reason to stay in the war to such a dangerous place.
Perhaps, they thought... the Saintess had died here, in a sense.
...Everyone.
The Saintess called out to her comrades with a hoarse voice.
The words they had been waiting for all day.
Sylphrien responded calmly, not startled by the call.
Yes, Saintess-nim.
..........
The Saintess said nothing.
She remained frozen for a long while.
...?
Then, something unbelievable happened before everyones eyes.
A bright ray of light gently descended where the Saintess was sitting.
The light, resembling the bright moonlight.
In the dark night, only the Saintess shone by herself.
The Saintess staggered to her feet.
She turned to look at her comrades.
Her eyes were forlorn. Her lips formed a kind smile.
She spoke.
.......Lets go. To the next battlefield.
...
...
Her words declared her intention to keep moving forward.
Acting as if nothing had happened.
Even though it was the answer the hero party needed, it was impossible not to feel perplexed.
Finally, Felix asked, with a contorted expression.
...Are you sure youre alright?
The Saintess shook her head.
...No?
Tears again streamed down her cheeks.
Acran interjected.
...Saintess-nim. If youre going to the battlefield to die-
-Its not that, Acran.
The Saintess said.
She exuded an atmosphere that no one could overcome.
Then the Saintess, with a lack of strength, shook her head and spoke.
...Nothing has changed.
...What?
...As long as the Demon King is alive... Bell could die. That remains the same.
No one could respond to her words.
It was hard to believe that, even after being abandoned, she still thought of Berg.
So, lets go and end the war.
The Saintess said. An odd determination could be felt in her weak voice.
Sylphrien hesitantly asked.
....Youre going to the battlefield?
The Saintess nodded.
...For the vice-captain of the Red Flames...?
The Saintess nodded again.
...
Sylphrien was utterly baffled by the Saintess mindset.
Especially after witnessing what had just happened.
Acran handed her a bitter medicine.
It seemed like a suggestion to not make a foolish choice, to choose the easier path.
......Your feelings may not be reciprocated. Even if you do this... it doesnt seem like the vice-captain will come back-
-Its okay.
The Saintess said with a smile.
It was a face bearing an immeasurable depth of pain.
Acran frowned and asked again.
....Pardon?
...Its okay if my feelings arent reciprocated. Its okay if Im not loved in return.
While the hero party was petrified by her words, the Saintess concluded.
........Because I love Bell.
Witnessing such profound love, no one could utter a word.
...So, its okay.
The Saintess smiled like that... and then, belatedly, clasped her own hands.
She bowed her head and whispered.
A slightly paradoxical statement.
And I havent... given up yet.
Sien recalled her memories with Berg again.
She said,
...I cant give up.
The End of The Chapter
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