I’m Not Doing This With A Friend

✿

After Erhan left the room, I wrapped myself in a blanket on the bed.

I think this will calm the tremors even a little. I gripped the blanket tightly as if it had become a shield to protect me.

It was sad…

That I'm relying on a thin blanket even though I know it can't protect me.

As I closed my eyelids, the memories I didn't want to recall unfolded like a panorama.

I have a hunch that it was an inevitable kind of thing.

All I could do was hope that the memories passed as quickly as possible.

As my body relaxed as if giving up, I slowly fell into the nightmare of the past.

✿

The funeral was over in a blink of an eye.

I've been trying to deny it for so long. The parting wasn't so easy but it went fast.

I stared at my parents buried in the ground.

The development of the cure, which I studied with Arcandus, failed.

No, to be precise, it was incomplete. Because my parents left me before the cure was completed.

If my knowledge of herbs had been perfect, wouldn't I have been able to complete the cure on time?

What if I had informed my aunt that my parents were ill and received financial support?

At least I could have bought time to make the medicine.

My aunt didn't know that my parents had fallen ill until after my mother died.

It's because I was stubborn and insisted that I didn't want to bother my aunt.

In the end, however, I only deprived my aunt a chance to say her final goodbyes to my mother.

If I had known it would be like this…

Endless regrets flooded in like a tide, and my head was dizzy.

I had a terrible headache…

But regretting it didn't change anything. All I have left was a bitter cold reality.

"We're your family from now on, Leen."

I looked at the aunt in front of me with empty eyes.

I think she just said something.

I don't know…

Actually, I didn't even want to know.

I just… I just wanted to lay in bed and sleep.

The moment I opened my eyes I faced the terrible reality. I still couldn't believe my parents were dead.

At least I didn't have to suffer as much as when I went to sleep. Because I could simply forget everything.

If I'm lucky, I'd be able to see my parents healthy in my dreams.

"No. We've always been a family, so I think what my aunt just said was wrong."

My aunt's mouth was smiling. But her eyes, engulfed in sorrow, were portraying the sadness so clearly.

Despite being my mother's sister, starting with her personality, I didn't think there was any resemblance at all.

Somehow, my mother's face overlapped with my aunt's.

It was difficult for me to keep eye contact. I finally lowered my head and pulled my aunt's sleeve.

"I want to be alone."

"…Yes."

The answer came not from my weeping aunt, but from the Count. He quietly hugged me.

A warm hand rested over my dry eyes. It was awkward and clumsy.

"You'll feel better after you sleep."

I wanted to ask.

‘Can I really feel better after sleeping?'

If it could be solved so easily, why didn't I force myself to sleep earlier?

It hurts so much…

It's so painful.

Why?

It didn't take long to realize why.

Because what the Count said was a blatant lie.

No matter how much I slept, I never got better.

Nevertheless, I continued to sleep. For me, being awake was hell and a nightmare.

So I slept like that.

Fortunately, no one said anything about me sleeping.

Everyone in the Count sympathized and pitied me.

When I woke up, I cried. After crying for a long time, I was exhausted and repeated that life.

I think I lived like that for about a year.

I became accustomed to the rotten emotions and gradually became numb to the pain. I no longer shed tears when I awake.

It may be right to express that there are no more tears to shed.

And then, one day. Someone knocked on my locked door.

"Sister, let's play."

It was my aunt's second son, Luca, a year younger than me.

Naturally, I ignored his tapping. My aunt and the Count visited me several times, but in the end, they returned as I didn't respond to them.

No different than Luca.

I woke up thanks to the knock, but it wasn't difficult for me to fall asleep again after sleeping all day.

"I don't think you're in the mood to play right now. I'll be at the door until you feel better."

It was as if I heard something in my sleep.

…It would have nothing to do with me.

It was when I woke up to the startling voice of the maid.

"Why are you crouching down here? Oh, my! Look how cold you are! How many hours have you been here?" Said by the maid.

"It hasn't been long." Luca answered.

"I know you're lying!"

"It's a short time compared to the time my sister didn't leave her room."

"Young Master Luca. I'm sorry, but even if you wait a few more days, Miss Leen…"

"Shh… Be careful what you say. You never know that."

"I'm sorry. I think I made a slip of tongue. But your body is very cold. Don't you think you should go somewhere warm…?"

"Just a little more."

"If the master gets sick, the Count and his wife will be sad."

There was silence for a while at those words, and no sound could be heard.

Luca leaned closer to the door and spoke in a louder voice than when he did talking to the maid.

"Sister. I will come again tomorrow."

Soon after, I heard footsteps leaving in front of the door and the surroundings became quiet.

…I opened my eyes a little.

His words repeated like echoes in my ears, disturbing my sleep.

‘I'll be at the door until you feel better.’

I thought I didn't hear that.

Actually, maybe I just wanted to pretend to not hear him.

I couldn't help but open my eyes until I could no longer hear his voice.

It was the first day I couldn't sleep since I entrusted the Count's words.