I’m Not a Piece of Shit

See the Damage Meter? / Can You See It?

As the battle progressed, I cycled through my damage rotation while awaiting the next special pattern. 

A ranged DPS’s job is to click-click-click. Granted, I stayed close enough to help catch counter opportunities.

If I didn’t, there was no way I’d keep up with this destruction tank Perro.

Now she was handling everything seamlessly, with no mistakes, and squeezing out damage opportunities relentlessly. It was awe-inspiring.

Her Cross Slash, a two-hit skill involving a wide horizontal swing followed by a vertical strike, had a relatively long animation. 

Yet she used her Sword Phantom to counter Hase’s patterns during the gaps with precision.

At this point, she didn’t even counter the whip swings followed by extensions. 

She simply tilted her body to dodge, using the momentum to deliver clean strikes instead.

Even the leg trips—tricky fake-out motions—hadn’t fooled her since the one time earlier. She’d maintained composure, never falling for them again.

For the overhead slams, she naturally sidestepped with a backstep, then charged forward, leveraging the short-term attack buff attached to her charge skill.

What the heck? Aren’t I supposed to be the protagonist?

Looking at her, anyone would think this stylish swordswoman Perro was the main character.

I couldn’t help it. Most of the flashy skills that make shamans look like protagonists are locked until level 40. I’d just have to bask in her radiance for now, mere mortal that I was.

At 30%, the second special phase triggered.

Usually, percentage-based fixed patterns become flashier and more potent as the boss’ HP drops.

The official name was “Chains of Ensnaring Dread,” but players called it the grab pattern. This time, it targeted two players simultaneously.

This was an efficient test of coordination. Two players would be bound, and the remaining two would use Fusion or Combo skills to free one. Then the freed player would help break the other’s chains. Rinse and repeat.

The most common cause of retries in this phase was when Fusion came up first. Players would blow all their cooldowns freeing the first captive, only to have another Fusion appear during the second grab and fail to break it in time, resulting in a fatality.

But we only had two people.

If both of us got bound, who would free us?

You might think it’s impossible, but the game offered hints. Why did Hase glow purple when initiating the special pattern and throwing his chains? Was it just to signify an unblockable attack?

No, it was clearly a developer nudge: “Use resistance!”

(Of course, that wasn’t the actual intent.)

“Tsk, such impudent pests! Despair at your own helplessness!”

One of Hase’s more insidious quirks was stomping during the word “helplessness,” rather than waiting until after finishing the line. It caused a wide-area stun.

If you didn’t know, you’d get hit.

If you did, you could avoid it.

I’d already thrown a talisman far back, just in case, and now I swapped places with it using Phantom Shift, neutralizing the stun with its resistance effect.

I turned to look at Perro, curious if she’d mess up this time…

Nope. She bypassed it with a backstep. Again.

She surveyed the incoming chains with a quick glance, then flowed into a seamless sequence. 

She slightly raised her sword, pointed the blade downward, and spun in a circle. Amid her fluid motion came the distinct TING! of a counter.

Wait—wasn’t this supposed to be an unblockable pattern? Why was there a counter sound?

A faint memory surfaced: a swordsman skill that allowed a counter to briefly trigger a resistance effect instead. It was often used in PvP mind games.

But to pull that off in VR, against an attack coming straight at your face, in mere milliseconds?

If it was just hard work, I wouldn’t feel this bitter.

Can a newbie really react like that?

I can’t lose.

I couldn’t let myself fade into a supporting role.

Soon, I’d outshine her.

The second grab came, and I thwarted it cleanly.

One of a shaman’s greatest strengths is their stable resistance abilities.

I used Exorcism Array, a skill that consumed all current talismans to grant 2 seconds of resistance to all attacks.

It did mean I couldn’t deal any damage until my talismans regenerated—a drawback, yes, but isn’t it common sense to forgo damage while using invincibility?

In VR, where you couldn’t click-click-click your way to safety, this skill felt borderline overpowered. I’d reread its description three times to confirm its absurdity.

Thus, Hase’s two grabs were both nullified.

Despite anyone being grabbed, Hase adhered to his designated pattern. He began retracting his chains while his body shimmered with a blue glow.

As soon as the Fusion pattern appeared, Perro turned to look at me.

Her gaze narrowed briefly at the sight of me standing free, but she quickly relaxed, letting out a small, relieved smile. Turning back, she focused her strength into her blade, delivering a powerful slash.

Meanwhile, the talisman I’d thrown earlier transformed into a small cloud above Hase’s head. With a resounding boom, lightning struck down.

“──Kuoooh─!”

Hase let out a deafening roar, refusing to enter a groggy state, and shifted his stance, gathering power into his arms once more.

This time, the glow was blue again—Fusion.

Perro’s blazing sword carved deep into Hase’s chest, while my talisman shot forward, blooming into an ice blossom. The frost burst along the path of her sword, scattering icy particles in a spectacular explosion.

“Kuaaargh─!”

Hase’s anguished cry reverberated through the arena as he collapsed to the floor, groggy at last. It was time to unleash damage.

The remaining 30% of his HP disappeared in a flash.

Dungeon clear.

“Good work!”

“You too, Dajeong-nim.”

We turned to check the necklace drop options.

[Hase’s Chain Necklace – Rare Grade – Level Requirement: 20]

(Fixed) Increases damage dealt to monsters by 5%.
(Random) Increases critical hit chance by 5%.

Oh.

Critical hit chance was one of the best random options available at this stage of progression. While the value ranged from 3% to 8%, 5% was decent—not top-tier, but far from disappointing.

Given how rare good rolls were, this was a lucky drop.

Perro glanced at the item window floating before her, then subtly looked in my direction, gauging my reaction.

Let’s check the damage meter.

[Battle Time: 5 minutes 03 seconds]
[Hase’s HP: 174,000]
[#1: Curse Blade – Dajeong-dosha: 298 DPS]

[#2: Greatsword – PerroFace: 276 DPS]

With no adds or gimmicks to inflate my numbers, my average DPS had dropped slightly compared to the first boss. The gap between us had narrowed.

Still. You got a ring earlier, didn’t you?

See the damage meter, Perro?

Of course, I couldn’t say this aloud. Considering how subtly Perro had manipulated me into handling patterns earlier, who knows what kind of revenge she’d unleash if I rubbed it in?

Having seen her performance firsthand, I’d already decided that Perro would be my tank for the foreseeable future.

I smiled sweetly.

“Would you like to take this one? We can always farm more later.”

“Oh… Really? Are you sure?”

Her wavering pupils were unexpectedly cute.

After a brief pause, Perro shook her head, a sheepish smile creeping onto her face.

“No, it’s fine. I got the ring earlier, remember? Plus, if you get stronger, it’ll make the first boss easier to farm. You take it.”

This surprised me.

In similar situations, hadn’t she said something like—

“Why are DPS players below tanks getting greedy? Just focus on dealing damage, will you~?”

Oh. Right.

She wasn’t below me this time. That made sense.

“Alright, then I’ll take it. Shall we keep going, or take a break?”

“Let’s go again!”

And so began 10 full runs of Bandit Hideout.

Including the trash mob sections, the average clear time was 15 minutes. With retries, it stretched to 20 minutes.

We finished farming with decent compromises on our options, but the results still showcased Perro’s infuriating luck.

Third Clear: A necklace with 8% critical hit chance, the best possible roll. Resentment Stack: 1.

Sixth Clear: A ring with 5% Inferno skill power and 5% Sword Phantom skill power, again the best possible roll. Resentment Stack: 2.

My Final Results: Two mismatched rings—5% Frost Blossom and 5% Thunderbolt skill power. Both had useless sub-options. Resentment Stack: 3.

Perro, Perro…! You luck-sucking parasite!

“Did she pass on the necklace because she trusted her luck…?”

Fueled by a rising wave of jealousy, my expression began to sour.

But then—

Beep. Beep-beep. Beeeep-beep-beep.

Suddenly, an alarm blared, a noise that felt like it was drilling directly into my brain, rattling my thoughts. What was that?

Warning. The user’s hormonal response has reached abnormal levels. An analysis of GLP-1, leptin, and cortisol indicates severe hunger. Please exit the game and consume adequate nutrients.

Wow. Games are reminding us to eat now?

The singularity truly has arrived.

But honestly, this kind of feature was overdue. Haven’t we all read news about people dying after playing games non-stop for hours or days?

That’s a gaming addiction for you. Not that I, a responsible and healthy player, would ever go that far.

“…It looks like we’re done farming accessories. Would you like to grab dinner and then tackle Hard Mode together?”

Fixing my gaze on Perro, I summoned all my effort to make my eyes sparkle with determination. This tank is precious. I can’t lose her.

Perro met my gaze, staring blankly for a moment, before nodding so vigorously I feared for her neck.

“Sounds good, sounds good! How about we eat and rest, then meet again at 9 PM?”

Ah, this must be what it feels like to be recognized as a great DPS.

Feeling proud, I responded cheerfully.

“Oh, is it okay if I brag to others about us two-manning the dungeon?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

How cute.

At this point in the game, how many players could boast about clearing Bandit Hideout with just two people? Go ahead, show off, my dear tank.

Just… don’t ditch me later.

***

After exiting my capsule, my first ritual was a shower. I skipped drying my hair properly, opting to let it air-dry. (It took me another week to discover the life-changing convenience of hair caps.) Sprawled on my mattress, I began to relax.

Relaxation always goes hand-in-hand with my smartphone.

I decided to check out the BloSe community gallery.

As it turned out, many others seemed to enjoy browsing while eating, resulting in a surprisingly high post turnover. Time to skim through some of the trending posts.

[Anon / Bandit Hideout’s Second Boss Escapee Exposed (34)]
[Anon / How Do You Beat Corrupted Den??? I Can’t Do It!!! (77)]
[TSO / Spearman Is Trash Now… Don’t Play Them… (43)]
[Perro / Bandit Hideout Normal 2-Man Clear Proof LOL Too Easy (167)]
[Anon / Compiled Ring Options for Bandit Hideout (88)]
[Anon / Sword Phantoms… Secret Hobby… 😏.jpg (112)]
[DADADA / There’s a Field Boss at Level 24, Looks Insane (45)]

Hmm.

An oddly familiar name caught my eye.

Could it be…?

Drawn by curiosity, I clicked on it.

[Author: Perro]
[Title: Bandit Hideout Normal 2-Man Clear Proof LOL Too Easy]

(Screenshot of first clear achievement)
(Screenshot of damage meter from the 7th clear, with names cropped out)

“We could probably have 2-man Hard Mode too. Farming weapons tonight 😏.”

“See the damage meter?”

“Don’t ever call me a sword-using noob again… I’ll break heads with my blade next time.”

[Likes: 77 | Dislikes: 53]

“What the hell, how’d you do this, you [expletive]?!”
(Author: Perro) “Hehe ^^.”
“Lol look at that cropped damage meter, it’s obviously fake.”
(Author: Perro) “It’s not fake.”
“Lol then post the full screenshot. Cropped names mean it’s sus.”
(Author: Perro) “The other person’s a normie, so I cropped it, duh.”
“Wait, why’s the swordsman’s DPS so high? Are they DPSing instead of tanking? I feel inadequate now.”
(Author: Perro) “Counter success gives aggro control without Guard, so I could tank and deal damage. I’m running Inferno-Sword Phantom-Deflection.”
“LMAO, Sword Phantom? Stop making stuff up.”
“Is that a shaman under the swordsman? Their DPS isn’t bad either.”
“Yeah, all the shamans I’ve seen are useless talisman-spammers. How’d they pull that off?”
“Any tips for tanking with a swordsman? The second boss feels like a wall….”
(Author: Perro) “The swings cause stagger, so it’s okay to get hit by those. But you must dodge or counter the whip extensions. For the leg trip, look for the subtle twist in his right foot—it’s real if it twists, fake if it doesn’t.”
“Ugh, I really feel the wall… Should I reroll?”

…

So, you were active on the community gallery this whole time.

And not just lurking—you had a username and posted boldly.

I’d only met Perro much later, through a raid group formed by high-spec users from gallery guilds. At the time, I had no idea about her past activity.

Now, looking at her recent posts, it was hard to reconcile them with the face I’d seen earlier today.

A woman wrote this? Sure, that’s possible.

A pretty, busty woman? Come on. Why would someone like that spend time gaming?

Me? I’ve always been a guy, obviously.

But wait.

Did she really screenshot the damage meter where she outperformed me and upload it?

It felt like winning 100 matches, losing 1, and then being told, “You’re bad at this game.”