I Will Save the Villain

If you see a glowing monster, run.

—Popular saying

Israfel

“Did you know that you have a fan club called Urielocity? I was at the fan club with this girl and a rookie. It was hilarious,” I said to Uriel.

“I don’t want to hear about it,” said Uriel.

Too bad. We were all stuck in this helicopter until we got to Grasten. There was nothing to do but shoot the breeze until then.

Sariel was there being his usual loud self. Seraph was also with us, but he rarely spoke. I was glad to see that Seraph was back to normal. That woman, whoever she was, must have finally called him back.

“These fangirls, and they were all girls, not a male to be seen among them at all, were giving out flyers to something called Fanolopolis. They said it was the biggest fan convention in the city and it was just Seraph, Uriel, and Sariel fans,” I said.

“Shut up,” said Sariel. He was always grumpy.

“You don’t want to know about your legions of fans?” I said.

“I know all about them. I can hardly go out anywhere in public without being mobbed,” said Sariel. That was a lie. I’ve been with Sariel on plenty of missions all over the world, but I’ve never seen him mobbed by fans. Nonetheless, I let the lie pass without challenging it. Sariel was awfully touchy and quick with his fire spells.

“Well, the girl that we were with was a huge Sariel fan,” I said.

“Clearly a woman of taste,” said Sariel. He wasn’t telling me to shut up anymore. You just had to know how to handle Sariel, that’s all. For all his loudness and abrasive tongue, Sariel wasn’t difficult to get along with.

“She’s a diehard fan. She was saying she was dying of hunger, but when she saw the flyers, she begged us to let her go to the fan club headquarters instead of dinner.”

I took a drink from my water bottle before continuing my story.

“Can you believe she spent all her money on fan paraphernalia?” I shook my head in wonder at the foibles of women. “She had to borrow money from me later to buy dinner.”

“Paraphernalia? Like what?” asked Villy, a newly promoted D-class EL. His EL name was Vehuel, but everyone called him Villy.

“Ridiculous stuff! I mean really stupid things that cost a fortune. Fan magazines like ‘Seraphious’ or ‘Sarielgenic.’ Handmade Sariel soft toys. Bookmarks with Uriel’s face on it. Playing cards with photos of Seraph. Fans are crazy!”

“Sariel soft toys? That’s the face women like to cuddle in bed?” said Uriel. He pointed to Sariel who was looking especially crazy today. He’d tanned his skin very dark and bleached his eyebrows white so that they stood out against his dark face. His contacts were cat-slitted green.

I smirked at Uriel then looked around at the other ELs. “Do you know what their bestselling Uriel fan item is?”

“T-shirts. It’s always T-shirts,” said Sariel. He was affecting a bored tone of voice, but we could all tell he was interested.

“Nope. Uriel dildos!”

“No way!” said Villy. He looked shocked. The guy was single so maybe he didn’t know how perverted women really were.

“And this girl bought that?” asked Sariel.

“No, no, we’re getting to the funny part now. So this girl we’re with, she says to the fangirls there, ‘I want to join the Sariel and Uriel fan club,’ and some of the fangirls there started squealing and embracing her.”

“Hmm, she’s an Uriel fan, too? I thought she had taste,” said Sariel.

“Wait for the punchline! They take her inside, into a smaller room with a sign on the door saying ‘members only.’ One minute later there’s a bloody loud scream, and the girl comes running out yelling ‘not the perverted stuff!’”

“What? They had pornogra-?” asked Villy.

I covered his mouth with my hand and continued my story. “She hides behind me and says, ‘No way, I meant I’m a fan of Sariel and a fan of Uriel, too. I’m not a Sariel X Uriel fan!’”

The other ELs and I started laughing, including Uriel and Sariel. Even Seraph smiled a little.

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” I said.

Sariel smiled tolerantly. “Sorry, Uriel, you’re not my type.”

“You’re not mine, either,” said Uriel. It was an old joke between them since everyone knew how rabid their fans were.

“She bought T-shirts, you’re right about that, Sariel. Tons of ‘em. Said she was gonna wear one every day until her roommate cried. Her roommate must not be a Sariel fan.”

“Bah, her roommate must have no taste!” said Sariel.

“Now as she’s about to leave, one of the fans asked her why she hasn’t joined the Seraph fan club and she said, ‘Seraph is almost flawless but, unfortunately…’”

I let my words trail off for effect.

Sariel leaned forward eagerly. “What flaw does she think our model S-class Commander has?”

I glanced sidelong at Seraph’s perfect profile. He wasn’t paying the conversation much attention, but I thought he was at least half-listening to us. It’s not like there was anything else to do in the helicopter.

“She saw me listening to her so she dragged the other fangirls away and whispered it in their ears. You know how most people don’t realize how good our enhanced hearing is? I could hear every word.”

“What did she say?” asked Villy.

I motioned to him and the other ELs to move closer. They huddled around me. I whispered as softly as I could, although it was obviously loud enough for the Commanders’ enhanced senses to hear in the enclosed space of the helicopter. “She said, ‘He’s almost perfect except his butt is too flat. Someone needs to tell him to work on his glutes.’ The fangirls started screaming with laughter so loudly I thought I was going to go deaf. Enhanced hearing has its downsides, too.”

Sariel and Uriel were the only ones who dared to laugh. The rest of us covered our mouths or turned our faces away to hide our grins.

Sariel put his arms around Seraph and said, “I can teach you the best exercises for your glutes.”

Seraph barely reacted. He said, “No need.”

Villy was horrified. He said, under his breath, “Hey, you shouldn’t have said that about Seraph.”

“It’s fine,” I said in a normal tone of voice. “Seraph doesn’t mind.”

Seraph might not be the warm, fatherly kind like Uriel, but he wasn’t petty or unfair. That’s just one of the reasons we all considered him the ideal EL. Except maybe for his glutes, come to think of it. I’m not one to look at a man’s behind, but since that girl had mentioned it, I’d noticed that Seraph would benefit from a few squats and similar exercises.

“We’re about to land,” said the pilot.

I shut up and checked my gear one last time. Finally, it was time for some action! Even though today was just a routine monster extermination mission, it was better than filing reports all day long at the office.

***

Our team bagged over twenty kills which was a decent amount. As we headed back to the helicopter, I asked Villy if he had a pen since I’d lost mine.

“What do you need it for?”

“It’s a good thing that I told that story today. I remembered that Asteria owes me for that dinner. I want to write it down in my organizer before I forget.”

“What the fuck?!” someone yelled behind me. Fire was shooting up twenty feet into the air beside us, almost singeing some ELs’ hair. Weird. Sariel wasn’t one to make mistakes when it comes to his fire spells, but he’d accidentally used way too much anima on the monster corpses he was cleaning up.

“Commander?” said one of Sariel’s men.

Sariel just stared at him for a moment, open-mouthed. Was Sariel that shocked that he’d momentarily lost control of his anima? Then, as though he’d suddenly remembered something delightful, Sariel’s mouth stretched into a wide, beatific smile. He ran towards where Uriel and Seraph were walking towards us and took them by the arms to run off somewhere with them.

When they returned, Sariel was still smiling widely. The corners of Uriel’s mouth were twitching but, otherwise, he remained stoic. Seraph didn’t tend to show much emotion on his face, but he did seem slightly annoyed. I figured that Sariel, who was notorious for his pranks, must have pulled a fast one on Seraph.

“Don’t worry, my friend,” said Sariel to Seraph. “I can help you with that.”

“Shut up,” said Seraph.

Sariel chortled.

“Stop laughing,” said Seraph.

“Make me!” said Sariel.

“Shut up or I’ll plaster your office with Uriel X Sariel posters,” said Seraph.

An EL who had been drinking from his water bottle was so shocked that he sprayed some of the others with water. The rest of us pretended not to listen to the two Commanders’ childish quarrel. We had worked with Seraph for long enough that we knew he wasn’t nearly as icy and unfeeling as he seemed.

“You wouldn’t dare! I’d plaster your entire flat with Uriel X Seraph posters,” said Sariel.

“For goodness’s sake, leave me out of it,” said Uriel. “Or else I’ll pay for a giant Seraph X Sariel billboard in front of Seraph’s flat.”

That'll be the day.

I went into a huddle with the other ELs and whispered, “Did you know there was a fan survey among the army last year? Seraph X Sariel won by a landslide.”

Sariel threw his water bottle at me while Seraph just looked out the window, ignoring everyone. I’d forgotten about that survey until now. I wondered if Asteria would scream if I showed her a Seraph X Sariel T-shirt. It was worth a try.