I Will Live As An Actor

Chapter 103

It was the moment I had dreamed of while living as an actor in my past life. 

A place I had never attained despite dedicating my life to acting, a mix of emotions. 

If it weren’t for actor Kim Hyung-seop who grabbed my shoulder and lifted me up, I might still be sitting there.

I shake off my nervousness and shake hands with the previous year’s winner. 

The spotlight shines on me, and the fans’ cheers and the actors’ applause wake me up from my thoughts.

“First of all, I would like to thank director Shin Sung-hyun for directing the movie Confession of a Priest, and the cinematographer who always helped me…”

I recite the names of the staff, including director Shin Sung-hyun who held the megaphone. 

And the names of the actors who performed with me. And even the fans who watched and appreciated my movie.

But this is not the acceptance speech I practiced until I lost sleep. 

There is one person who must be looking at your son with red eyes right now.

“There are also many other people I am grateful to, but due to time constraints, I will say one last thing about the person I desperately want to see right now. You must be looking at me with swollen eyes, more than my red eyes.”

Mother.

“My mother is a very worried person. The shantytown where the electric wires were tangled like spider webs, on rainy days, she would hug me tightly, wondering if the shack would collapse. You must have been scared too, and tired, but you never showed it and peeled fish every morning. The reason why my mother, who had never done business before, worked so hard in the shack was because of your only son.”

The sea breeze made your white skin rough, and the weight of your son was on your back, which you bent endlessly to spread the fish. 

The voice that flowed like a pearl was hoarse, because my mother, who never said a harsh word in front of others, had to lay out the fish with a scowl.

“My mother’s face was always full of worries. She wondered if her young son was having a hard time living in Seoul. She was always like that when she sold fish in the street when I was young. She didn’t want your son to face this cold storm. You must be worried watching TV right now. Maybe I’ll make a mistake on this stage.”

My mother always skipped meals and took the dawn train to Seoul. She always had my favorite food in both hands. 

She always said the same thing when she met me. 

Why are you so thin? 

She asked me with a worried look, deeper than time.

“Mom, I’m doing well in Seoul. I have a lot of fans who love me, and my fellow actors are all nice people. And I won this award today. It’s the best award. So, please don’t worry too much.”

I want to tell you that your son has grown up so much at this moment. You can put the weight you carried on your frail body on your son’s shoulders now. So.

“Mother.”

I add the words I couldn’t say to my mother when I was standing on the cliff by the sea.

“I love you.”

***

My mother watches your son on the TV and cries endlessly. 

When did the child who was in her arms grow up so much?

She sees her son holding the trophy and telling her he loves her, and her hand trembles slightly. 

Seeing that, Mrs. Yang hurries to hug her shoulder.

“Young-guk’s mother, why are you crying? It’s a good day. Look, Young-guk is crying too. Now our Young-guk’s mother is doing well, I thought, but he looks the same as before. He’s still tender.”

“I’m crying because I’m happy.”

“That’s right, you can cry a bucket of tears on a day like this! But what about those hairy kids? Why are they sniveling like that? Disgusting! Stop whining and get some tissues!”

The men who were drinking soju at the merchant association building also wipe their tears. 

They all treated him like their own child. 

The port town had many stories. 

Among them, everyone knew the story of Young-guk and his mother. Then a white handkerchief is handed over.

“Wipe it with this.”

It’s Mrs. Kim from the side dish shop. She came back from the city with a white and clean handkerchief. 

Young-guk’s mother hesitates, but Mrs. Kim nods briefly as if it’s okay. She finally takes the white handkerchief with a word of thanks.

“I’ll be back in a minute, I’ll cool down my mind with the sea breeze.”

I was afraid that the atmosphere, which was already like a funeral, would turn into a sea of tears because of me. 

The old lady next to me seemed to understand my feelings and patted my back as she got up, leaving only a word of caution not to go too far. 

The sound of the waves crashing against the breakwater soaked my heart.

The night sea was silent, as if keeping a secret. 

Only the undulating waves appeared and disappeared like a mirage. 

The lights of the fishing boats twinkled like stars in the night sky, and a single beam of light from the lighthouse illuminated the night sea. But I couldn’t find the one I wanted to see so much. In the end, Young-uk’s mother sat down on the shore and asked.

“Where is your father, Young-uk?”

It was a word that I had never uttered in the past few years. 

Wasn’t it the word that I wanted to scream countless times, as if it was stuck in my chest? But I couldn’t say it, afraid that the longing that had risen to my chin would turn into sorrow as soon as I spat it out. 

The sea that took away my husband was still silent today.

“Our Young-guk has grown up a lot. He used to cry and cling to me whenever you went to work, saying he wanted to go with you. But now he’s mature enough to live on his own in Seoul. He’s taller than you by two feet and has a bigger build. Now I can’t even carry him on my back, even if I want to. He used to look like he could fit in a baby carrier.”

No one answered, but it felt like he was listening from the bottom of the sea.

“You must have been worried a lot. I wondered how we would survive with just me and Young-guk. But there he was, he didn’t make me work at all.”

She cried out to the waves. She said that her life, which she had lived in a shabby room with her son in her arms, was not that hard.

“So, don’t worry about us anymore.”

At that moment, the waves surged. As if to send away the worries along with the flowing waves, to the other side of the horizon. 

Seeing that, she tried to smile brightly in the midst of the flowing longing. And then she boasted to her husband.

“Our son has grown up well.”

***

Is this what it feels like to be filled with happiness? 

Like a presidential campaign that was confident of victory from the exit polls, Songwon Entertainment was filled with cheers.

They thought that the best actor award was out of reach, since the best supporting actor award had already been taken from the same work. But the nineteen-year-old young actor broke that unwritten rule.

“Mr. President, are you so surprised that you’re fainting on the spot? Say something. Young-uk just won the best actor award!”

“Mr. Kim, am I dreaming right now?”

“If you can’t believe it, pinch your cheek. I did just a while ago and it hurt. Haha, but this is the first time I’ve felt so good while being hurt. He’s the youngest. He’s the youngest best actor in the history of the Blue Dragon Film Awards!”

Huh.

President Kim Sung-hwan was still rubbing his eyes with his sleeves and looking at the TV screen. 

The best actor winner, holding up the golden trophy, was his own actor, Jang Young-uk. 

Seeing Young-uk’s reddened eyes and bright smile, he felt a surge of emotion from the depths of his chest, filling his face in an instant.

“Mr. President, are you crying?”

Like a child shedding tears, President Kim Sung-hwan’s wrinkled eyes were endlessly dripping with tears. 

He felt sorry for Young-uk as a person, not as a president of an agency.

He blamed himself for being a weak and pathetic president when he failed to win an award at the SBC Acting Awards.

He wondered if he had chained the feet of an actor with infinite potential because of his greed.

“Mr. President, where are you going?”

President Kim Sung-hwan got up from his seat, and Mr. Kim asked him curiously. Then President Kim Sung-hwan wiped away his tears and explained.

“My actor won an award, how can I sit still as a president! There will be a dinner after the ceremony, I have to go and open my wallet!”

At that time.

The Blue Dragon Film Awards ceremony was over and they were heading to the after-party. 

Young-uk had greeted many actors and film industry people that day. 

He couldn’t count how many congratulations and business cards he had received.

He thought that the awards ceremony was a story of another world when he was playing bit parts. 

So he worked harder as the end of the year approached.

He couldn’t make ends meet with the bit part fees, so he drove a taxi and didn’t refuse to drive for others late at night. 

He listened to the results of the year-end awards ceremony on the radio and thought that he would someday stand on that stage.

‘Is this a dream?’

The dazzling night view seeped into the car window. 

It was late at night, but the Seoul road was still busy. But the manager Lee Bong-choon, who was holding the steering wheel, didn’t think of losing his smile.

“Did you call your mother, Young-uk?”

“I tried to call her at home, but she didn’t answer. I think she’s probably at the merchant association building with the other merchants. I’ll call her again later.”

“Yeah, I’m so happy that I feel like I’m tearing up, but your mother must be over the moon. Congratulations, Young-uk!”

As the manager Lee Bong-choon said, the voice he wanted to hear the most right now was his mother’s. 

He didn’t even mention his mother when he made a name for himself with his licorice acting and won an award at the end of the year. But now it was different.

The past that he had pushed away under the name of poverty was now a proud medal. 

He wanted to tell everyone, like his acceptance speech. 

That what made him who he is today was none other than his mother’s wrinkled hands.

‘Is this really mine?’

But the golden trophy in his hand still felt awkward. 

It was the best actor award that he couldn’t even get in his previous life. 

He wondered if he was dreaming right now and bit his inner cheek slightly. 

He felt a sharp pain, but he also felt a sweetness.

Soon the car arrived at the after-party. 

The whole restaurant seemed to be rented out, as the staff and actors of the Confession of a Priest were all there. 

As he opened the door and entered, he was greeted by the smell of grilled meat and the sound of cheers, as if this was all real, not a dream.

“Our youngest best actor is here―!”