LIGHTNOVELONLINE Chapter 69
S# 114.
The highlight of [The Chaser].
Cha Seo-ah, who found Han Ye-hwa hiding in the convenience store, approaches her with a bloodied hammer and knife in hand.
The look in her eyes as she stares at the trembling Han Ye-hwa.
‘What kind of look should I give?’
As Seo-yeon read the script, she hesitated on how to act out this scene.
Cha Seo-ah is already a human who has gone too far.
Because of the illness.
There have been too many people she has killed, and she was still planning to kill more.
‘And this was before she met Han Ye-hwa.’
Cha Seo-ah kills one more person.
The convenience store lady.
To the audience, she was just an innocent bystander, but to Cha Seo-ah, she was not.
Cha Seo-ah is neither a psychopath nor a sociopath.
She is not someone who cannot empathize or feel human emotion.
She simply cannot feel emotions properly.
Thus, in a way, she may be even more frightening to humans.
What if she laughs in a situation where she’s supposed to cry?
What if she cries in a situation where she’s supposed to laugh? How would humans interpret that?
Seo-yeon could still vividly recall that from her past memories.
‘Not being able to forget isn’t necessarily a good thing.’
For some reason, whenever Seo-yeon tried to recall her past life, she could remember anything clearly. This hadn’t changed since she was young.
She mostly used this memory as a reference for remembering knowledge of movies or dramas.
However, it wasn’t just that which remained unaffected.
Memories related to movies and dramas remained, while Seo-yeon’s past otherwise gradually faded.
Still, those faces did not get erased.
It was different from when she recalled memories related to the entertainment industry.
She didn’t know the reason until now, but while reading the script for [The Chaser], she realized.
Ah, I was deeply wounded back then.
That’s why I can’t forget.
Alexithymia is not about not feeling emotions.
It’s just feeling them in a completely different way.
In other countries, alexithymia is referred to as a condition.
The Greek word for ‘word’ is ‘lexi’.
The word for ‘soul’ is ‘thym’, and when you add ‘a’ to indicate negation, it means ‘there are no words to describe the soul.’
‘I’ve wondered if I truly have no soul.’
Ironically, that was disproven through reincarnation.
I had a soul, and now I feel emotions normally.
Just a simple physical disability.
So simple, yet it’s a cage that humans can never escape.
‘So.’
Even at this moment, Cha Seo-ah is not devoid of emotions.
When she kills the convenience store lady, who treated her kindly.
And when she kills people, including Han Ye-hwa.
She certainly feels emotions.
She just does not know what those emotions are.
「…….」
Cha Seo-ah swings down the hammer, killing the convenience store lady.
The script reads ‘expressionless and cold.’
No.
Seo-yeon shook her head.
Indeed, those with alexithymia rarely show expressions.
But that’s only because they don’t know what expression to make.
So, at this moment, Cha Seo-ah should have expressed something.
However, it must not be an expression accompanied by sadness or pain.
That would be the correct expression.
Blood splattered.
No, it felt as if it did.
In tandem with the swinging motion of the hammer, the convenience store lady who had been begging for her life collapses.
Cha Seo-ah looks down at the lady.
She puts her fingers to her nose, checking if she is still breathing.
And then strikes down her hammer two more times.
Of course, the hammer doesn’t touch the actor.
But the filming crew flinched at her intensity.
‘Acting, right?’
It felt similar to before, but now it was stronger than usual.
More than anything.
‘Expression.’
Kim Dae-heon, who was waiting to shoot his next scene as detective Im Seung-cheol, swallowed hard.
For a moment, he forgot they were shooting.
‘Is she laughing? Or is she crying?’
She seemed to be laughing but appeared as if she were crying.
Kim Dae-heon had seen an actor who portrayed such emotions once.
One of Korea’s representative actors, Park Sun-woong, who smiled while seeking revenge on the murderer of his son at the end of a movie.
But now, this felt different.
More complex.
It was a face filled with many emotions.
Park Sun-woong’s acting was clearer.
It expressed the joy of revenge, yet the sadness that the dead son could never return.
Thus, he could only admire her performance.
‘However.’
Seo-yeon was fundamentally different.
Smiling yet crying.
It was as if she was lost, not knowing what emotion to express.
Like a being trying to mimic a human.
「…….」
Her open mouth moved as if it were gasping for breath.
She dropped the tool in her hand and, with both hands, Cha Seo-ah touched her face.
As if trying to figure out what kind of face she was making.
That sight was bizarre.
An indescribable discomfort washed over those observing, making them unconsciously grimace.
‘That wasn’t in the script.’
Those who had read the script must have thought that.
Did Director Bae Jin-hwan give her special instructions?
But judging by Bae Jin-hwan’s slightly widened eyes, it seemed not.
Thud!
Slowly.
Cha Seo-ah removed her hands from her face and lifted her right hand, pounding her chest with her fist.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
As if trying to make her heart beat.
Or as if trying to relieve her chest from being blocked.
There had been many moments in Cha Seo-ah’s actions that were hard to understand.
At first, her emotions and actions didn’t match.
However, this time, she could recognize the emotion.
Her actions and emotions aligned.
Frustration.
And pain.
Cha Seo-ah was feeling them.
She carefully picked up the dropped tool.
There was no hesitation, but the moment she gripped it, her hand visibly trembled.
Cha Seo-ah looked at her trembling hands, then firmly grasped the bloodied hammer again.
Huff, huff, huff.
She took a deep breath.
Heading towards the convenience store’s stockroom where Han Ye-hwa was.
Ironically.
It was easier to read emotions from Cha Seo-ah’s back, which concealed her face.
Her suffering was palpable.
And thus, S# 114 came to an end.
*
“Seo-yeon, here’s some green tea.”
“Oh, thank you.”
Seo-yeon accepted the paper cup from Kim Dae-heon.
He always brought green tea to drink on set.
“You worked hard today.”
Filming ended just as the crimson sunset fell.
S# 114 was accepted in one take, but S# 115 saw multiple NGs.
The final battle scene with detective Im Seung-cheol, which they had practiced with Professor Kim Hong-baek.
Cha Seo-ah’s emotions explode, and detective Im Seung-cheol fights with a desperate resolve.
“……Are you okay physically?”
“Ha ha, I’m okay, really.”
Kim Dae-heon laughed heartily.
But honestly, he wasn’t okay.
Was it that Seo-yeon couldn’t keep up with the action acting?
No, that wasn’t it.
In fact, Seo-yeon was very clean.
He had worried about not using a stunt double for the action, but the problem was himself.
“I feel like I made you work hard. I didn’t want to lose to a young actor.”
“……I think there’s no winning or losing in acting.”
“Ah, that’s just talk.”
His joking words brought a fleeting smile to Seo-yeon.
Taken aback by her rare smile, Kim Dae-heon cleared his throat.
“More than that, your acting today was really good. It was like….”
Kim Dae-heon swallowed the rest of his sentence.
He couldn’t say it felt like Cha Seo-ah herself.
However, all the staff who witnessed her performance undoubtedly agreed with Kim Dae-heon.
Honestly, there were whispers about whether she should be taken to the hospital.
Of course, it wasn’t because they doubted Seo-yeon’s mental state.
They worried that the intense method acting might cause some trouble.
‘Method… acting?’
He was an actor.
So he could distinguish whether Seo-yeon’s acting was method or not.
Joo Seo-yeon is known for her long-term method acting.
Since it was widely known, everyone seemed to regard this performance as method acting.
But Kim Dae-heon was now convinced.
Cha Seo-ah’s acting was not just method acting.
It was the inner self of Joo Seo-yeon expressed in her performance.
‘Perhaps she’s suffering from a similar condition… No way, right?’
Kim Dae-heon chuckled at his own delusion.
He had researched alexithymia for this shoot.
Of course, it was obvious that someone with such an illness could not act.
Let alone engage in method acting, which requires one to deeply understand and empathize with the emotions of the character.
It was the complete opposite of alexithymia.
‘But to understand Cha Seo-ah more intensely than anyone…’
Truly, he found this role perplexing.
The performance Seo-yeon delivered was extraordinary.
The many times Kim Dae-heon had to reshoot scenes was also due to Seo-yeon’s impact.
He didn’t want his shortcomings to overshadow Seo-yeon’s performance.
And so the final S# 115 was truly satisfying.
‘Seo-yeon must feel the same way, right?’
With that thought, he looked at Seo-yeon, but she was merely sipping the green tea that Kim Dae-heon had given her.
Of course, Seo-yeon had a slightly different thought from Dae-heon and the other staff.
‘The convenience store—this is probably the price to pay for what we shot.’
For the fierce battle scene between Im Seung-cheol and Cha Seo-ah, the convenience store had been completely wrecked.
Seeing the store demolished was truly heartbreaking for Seo-yeon, who frequented various convenience stores daily.
“Seo-yeon.”
At that moment, Director Bae Jin-hwan approached Seo-yeon after reviewing all the footage.
“Thank you for your hard work today.”
“Thank you.”
“Today’s scene will likely be included in the PV. It turned out exceptionally well.”
Thinking that they would put it in the promo video despite the prior highlights not being satisfactory did not seem too bad.
“And by any chance, after this film, are you thinking about filming another movie?”
“A movie? Well…”
There is one indeed.
Initially planned for an audition at the end of this year.
It was a movie aimed at improving her image to secure 400 million won.
“Oh, it’s probably not right away, which is fine. It’ll likely be next year.”
“Probably.”
“Yes, right. I’ve heard that… GH Group is ambitiously preparing another film. But…”
Director Bae Jin-hwan hesitated for a moment.
After watching her performance today, he realized.
Seo-yeon is a rising star.
Once this film is released, her name value will significantly increase.
That’s why he hesitated.
It’s a very good opportunity, but the director of that film rested heavily on his mind.
“Seo-yeon, do you happen to know Director Jo Bang-woo?”
Jo Bang-woo, the father of Cho Min-tae, who helped Seo-yeon a lot when she was young.
Seo-yeon’s eyes narrowed at the name.
‘Ah, it’s about time…’
Once dubbed the ‘unbeatable director.’
However, he had recently faced consecutive failures and reached a dead end.
His last work is set to be released next year.
That time is approaching.