I Tried To Be Her Loyal Sword

---

I stared blankly at Ariya’s face, which showed clear signs of having grown up. Her sky-blue eyes were as calm as the sky before a storm, making it impossible to read her emotions.

“……Alright. Let’s do that.”

I nodded without hesitation.

Ariya’s request was absolute for me. It wasn’t something I could refuse just because I was tired. I didn’t think she would take a refusal kindly either.

“Change your clothes and come to the Duke’s office.”

Leaving those words behind, Ariya turned and disappeared. Looking at her back disappearing without a hint of regret, I felt an odd sense of foreboding.

As I turned back to Kal, our eyes met, and he blinked.

He appeared calm, but I noticed he flinched ever so slightly the moment our eyes locked.

“Is something wrong?”

At my question, Kal and Caesar exchanged quick glances. Clearly, there was something only the three of us knew.

‘Was this how it felt when I was hiding something?’

I felt a twinge of disappointment over that realization, but I had no right to complain since it wasn’t the first time I’d kept a big secret from my family.

As I was lost in unexpected self-reflection, Kal opened his mouth, looking somewhat nervous—he appeared calm on the outside, but I could see his pupils were bewildered.

“It doesn’t seem like something I should say. You should ask Ariya directly. Just… prepare your heart.”

For Kal, who usually remained more indifferent than ordinary people, to say that I felt like I’d be struck dumb. My anxiety soared rapidly.

“……Understood. I’ll just change my clothes and come down.”

I nodded and headed towards my room. Sticky thoughts kept trying to hold me back.

My intuition sensed a crisis, and my nerves were on high alert.

Dressed in a light dress shirt and pants, I crossed the hallway and halted in front of the Duke’s office.

“Come in.”

Even before I could knock, I heard Caesar’s permission from inside. I carefully entered the office.

“Sit there.”

Ariya, sitting cross-legged on the office sofa, gestured to the spot opposite her.

Of all things, the curtains made the office dark, and the atmosphere was solemn, reminiscent of a boss from a dark world. It wouldn’t be surprising if someone were to demand that a gang be buried right now.

I sat down quietly opposite Ariya, feeling entirely suppressed from the start. Ariya took a short, deep breath.

“You said you could handle what would happen because of your participation in the war.”

Ariya’s gaze pierced me like a needle. I flinched for a moment at her shining eyes, but I nodded. I couldn’t back down from what I had said.

“I’m not going to stop your participation. It’s the path you’ve chosen.”

Her voice, oddly casual, felt out of place. I momentarily began to doubt whether I truly understood Ariya.

“So don’t stop me either.”

Ariya stared directly into my eyes. I instinctively sensed that she was about to unleash a bombshell.

“I’m going to participate in the war too.”

Thud.

Her words fell upon my heart heavier than a rock.

For a moment, it felt as if all my bodily functions had stopped. My brain halted, and my heart seemed to stop. I even forgot how to blink and breathe. If the intent was to turn me into the first Sword Master to die from shock, it seemed successful.

It wasn’t until the second hand of the clock had gone around once that I was able to speak.

“……You’re joking, right?”

My voice cracked. I tried to pull up a smile like I had just heard a funny joke, but I couldn’t suppress my trembling. Ariya, who had likely been staring at my utterly wrecked face, shook her head.

“You know it’s not a joke.

Yes. The weight, temperature, and density were all genuine. Yet I wanted to believe it was a joke.

With trembling hands, I crushed my knees. Blood welled up and dampened my dry lips.

“No.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Stop talking nonsense! How can you go to war!”

Bang!

As I sprang to my feet, mana exploded out of me. Failing to regulate my mana due to my surging emotions was an utterly rookie mistake, but I couldn’t control my feelings enough to avoid that rookie blunder.

“Why should I not go if you’re going?”

Ariya was unnervingly calm. It felt as though she spoke as if she were recounting someone else’s story.

Even with the rampaging mana before us, she showed not the slightest hint of fear.

I gritted my teeth, unable to restrain my uneven breaths.

“You’re going to make the world safe. But if you expose yourself to danger, what’s the point of anything! I…”

“I didn’t ask for any sacrifices for myself!”

Bang!

Ariya kicked the table in front of her fiercely and stood up. Her small body was shaking violently with breaths as ragged as she could manage. The fierce fire ignited in her blue eyes.

“Have you ever asked me about my opinions while saying it’s for my sake? Aren’t all of this just to satisfy you?”

Ariya’s words pierced my heart like a dagger. I stood frozen, unable to hide my hurt expression as I stared blankly at Ariya.

My entire life had been dedicated to Ariya. With that belief alone, I’d trudged through a life more painful than death. It felt as if my life was being denied.

And amidst that pain, a thought I had forgotten surged up.

Were all the things I had done in the name of caring for Ariya really for her?

“How can you say that… knowing how much I love you!”

But I shouted, pushing that question away. Rational thought was impossible. I couldn’t think straight because the idea that my lifelong love was being denied was too overwhelming.

Something hot surged like a wave into my eyes.

“You are different from me! You are weak…”

“No! I am not different! I am not!”

Ariya shook her head furiously, cutting off my words with a voice close to a scream.

When I hesitated, surprised by her desperate reaction, Ariya stared at me with wide eyes.

Her blue eyes burned with rage, glistening with moisture.

“You don’t really believe I can protect myself, do you? In your eyes, I’m still that fragile glass doll who needs protection!”

Thud.

It felt like a giant hammer struck my head. Forced to confront thoughts buried deep in my subconscious, my mind began to drift.

Indeed, though I knew Ariya was no longer the weak child she used to be, I hadn’t recognized that in my heart. I had thought she still needed to stay under my protection. I might have even regarded her as nothing more than a sugar decoration that would melt if touched.

I had viewed Ariya not as an equal being, but as someone I needed to protect.

“I am a human just like you. Look at me properly, Kashmir Chris!”

Ariya’s sharp voice pierced through my previously unrecognized perceptions. I gasped for breath, staring at Ariya like someone who had been stabbed by a blade.

Her face was decidedly no longer that of a child; it had developed clear features. Her complexion was healthy and vibrant, without a trace of illness. Instead of a smile, her lips were firm, exuding a strong energy.

Those eyes, a bright, vibrant blue, showed not a trace of fragility.

Ariya was no longer an invalid or a child.

“I’m not a baby bird that needs to be kept safely in a cage! I’m not a pretty rose that can’t move in a flowerbed! I can protect someone too, and I’m capable of taking action!”

Ariya cried out desperately. In her voice, I could feel the long-suppressed sorrow.

Having been weak since birth, Ariya had spent fifteen years on a sickbed. I couldn’t possibly imagine how much she must have resented her fragile body or how desperate she was not to be able to run around despite having two legs.

Now that she had finally gained freedom, it was entirely natural for her to be angry that I still wanted to wrap her in cotton wool.

“Do you think I’m just blabbering when I say I’m going to war? That I’m being impulsive in reaction to you going? No! I can read the flow and foresee the war, just like you! I’ve thought about this for a long time. Now, I have the strength to protect myself and the healing powers to help others, so I want to go to war and be of assistance!”

Why did I think that while I could protect the world, Ariya couldn’t? Why did I believe my sister had to stand by and watch the world I was creating? Since when had those narrow-minded thoughts taken root in my mind?

Looking at the blue eyes screaming in sorrow, guilt tightened around my throat.

“You don’t know, do you? How hard I’ve worked on my magic and healing powers! You’ve never cared about my abilities! You just said they were great without paying attention to my strength! You never thought I’d stand as a full-fledged magician, a healer!”

Each of Ariya’s words was like a knife stabbing my heart. Everything she said was an undeniable fact, so I couldn’t even twitch my lips. If I opened my mouth, I felt like I would vomit the blood that filled my heart.

What had I ever thought of Ariya until now? I had only ever claimed to love her while only worrying about myself and never providing the mental support she needed to stand as a complete adult.

“I know! You’ve spent your whole life looking at my weak self, so it will take time for you to get used to my newfound health! That’s why I’ve waited! But you still refuse to see me as an equal!”

Ariya wiped the tears welling in her eyes with the back of her hand and spoke as if she were bursting. Her blue eyes were filled with sorrow like dark clouds.

“I know it was your way of loving me to risk your life to protect me. So I accepted all the violent protection and sacrifices up to now! I didn’t question it, even though I knew it was wrong! I endured my miserable days, wishing I could die! My foolish compliance was all I could do…!”

Taking a long breath, Ariya unleashed the words she had been holding back for so long like a dam bursting.

“That was my way of loving you!”

If my way of loving was to leap into danger, Ariya’s way of loving must have been to silently watch that scene unfold. Although my body suffered more, I realized that mentally, Ariya must have been in far more pain.

Now, looking back, what had Ariya thought while watching me go to the edge of death every day? How had she endured the long hours alone at home? I couldn’t even begin to imagine that torment.

How wrong had I been in my love?

“I loved you like that, receiving your misguided love without question. The anxiety, misery, and despair I felt while waiting for you, all of it, I swallowed alone and smiled at you when you returned. That was my way of confessing my love for you…”

Ariya, her energy drained, broke down. Her voice, filled with enough agony to sound like a dying person’s last confession, was more than enough to break me down. I staggered, unable to hold my body steady.

After a long while, when Ariya finally looked at me amidst her gasps, her sapphire eyes filled with sadness pained me, but I couldn’t look away. I had no right to evade Ariya’s gaze.

“Things are different now. You no longer need to risk your life for money, and I’m no longer sick… So why can’t we love each other normally now?”

Ariya pleaded. I couldn’t even breathe or cry, desperately rubbing my stinging eyes.

“Respect me as an equal person and support my choice.”

Her trembling white hand grasped mine.

Soft and delicate, the kind of hand that had not known hardship. It wasn’t because she had lived in luxury, but rather because she had never had the opportunity to do anything.

Yet that hand felt stronger than mine.

“If you truly love me, trust me.”

Looking into her unwavering blue eyes, my heart felt like it would explode from warmth.

This must be what normal love feels like.

I vaguely felt that. A feeling of love that seemed embarrassing to call love, tethered by obsession and selfishness, was something I had taken as the purpose of my life until now.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I didn’t… know… I had never learned how to love…”

With my head bowed, I grasped Ariya’s hand as if holding onto a lifeline at the edge of a cliff with my trembling hand.

From the age of three, I had never known love, and now I had to offer it. The reason for my life, so precious to me, I knew only how to grip tightly, never having learned how to let go.

First love always tends to end in failure.

While I should have enjoyed the heat moderately so that both you and I could remain, I lost control of my first encounter with heat and burned myself out, leaving you all alone.

“I’m not sure what to do now that you’re my first love.”

I pressed my pale lips against that small hand.

This was my confession for my failed first love.