I can't move on

I'm in whatever outfit I can find because my mom can't get off work early to come pick my loser ass siblings up.

I had one airpod in as I screamed at Brandon on the phone.

"You better get your dumb bum ass out here before I beat your ass!" I screamed as I walked. 

I don't smoke around kids, so I was fighting everything in me to not reach for my cigarettes right now. Is this an addiction or a side effect of lung cancer? Probably both.

"We are coming; actually, I am coming because I don't know where Elizabeth is currently," Brandon said.

"Well, go fucking find her-." My eyes quickly shot up as my phone dropped to the floor.

"I'm sorry," I said. I had run into this girl; she looked maybe sophomore or junior.

"It's okay," she said, sort of bowing to me.

"Babycakes, are you okay?" I looked up. This guy in a full suit said he was hunching down to check on her. Wearing a suit in this hot ass weather is insane.

But by his reaction, I take it he was her dad.

"Yes, daddy-o now back up," she said.

"Hey, that's my line. Boss, tell her that's my line," a guy said, coming from behind the other guy.

The guy stood up and gave the other guy a weird look.

Holy fuck, he was tall. Like I have never seen a man that tall in my 21 years on this earth kind of tall.

I looked down at his hand; he had a little bit of tattoo peeking out.

"Leo, I will fire you; now get your ass in the car," the guy said, and the other guy, also known as Leo, nodded. "Of course, Dom."

The giant man turned back at me.

"I'm sorry about that. You have a nice day." The giant man was now looking at me. I nodded and pushed my way past him while picking up my phone at the same time.

"Hola hermano." I turned to my left, and there my two siblings were.

"Hi, are you guys ready to go?" I asked. I got Brandon's baseball shit dumb in my hands and Elizabeth's track bag, so I take that as a yes.

"I don't understand why-."

Eliza interrupted me. "Who was that guy, and why was he looking at you like that?"

I turned.

"Who, there is no there?"

"That guy you ran into. One he was huge and two, why was he giving you that, like, love look, nasty," Elizabeth said.

"He was just confused and probably trying to figure out if Ryder was a kid or a 40-year-old man," Brandon said. I looked over at him and smacked him in the back of the head.

"You are lucky I am even taking your ungrateful ass home."

"Yeah, not my fault; smoking makes you age like 30 years," Brandon said, swiping my keys from me, unlocking the car door, dropping in the front seat, and putting his stuff in the passenger seat.

I shoved their shit in the back and slid in the passenger seat next to him, and Eliza got in the back.

"Surprisingly, it doesn't smell like smoke," Brandon said, looking over his shoulder as he backed up.

Brandon actually had his license and Eliza's permit, unlike me, who has been driving since I was 13 with no license and no permit, so I would drive to their school and he would drive back.

They also hate it when I smoke. Understandable, but I love it.

I blew in his face, and he swatted me as we pulled onto the main road.

I still can't get over that weird, giant guy. Why did he look at me like that?

"Stop doing that with your hands."

I looked at Eliza in the rear mirror. "Doing what?"

"That fucking nail thing."

"This?"

"Yeah, stop."

"My bad," I said, and I put my hands down on my lap.

"Side effects of smoking," Brandon added.

"Oh my fucking god," I said, rolling my eyes and also rolling down the window to get some fresh air.

We stayed in the silence of the car because Brandon's stupid ass had somehow broken the radio a few months ago.

"Was he one of the old guys you used to hook up with when Dad lost his job?" 

"Now, why would you even say that?" I said, reaching back and smacking Eliza, who put her hands up like I was in the wrong.

"And no, I stopped doing those," I said and sighed. This is why people smoke; these dumb ass kids stress people the fuck out. I rolled up my window.

Brandon pulled into the driveway, and I got out and got my knitting out of the glove box.

I lit a cigarette and blew it as I started to knit a scarf that Mom had wanted.

I finished the sweater when I got back home yesterday, so I just started on the scarf, which was easy because it was just like a rectangle.

Brandon opened the front door, and he and Eliza went inside as I sat on the porch and smoked while knitting.

I saw my mom's contact pop up on my screen.

"Hello, ma'am."

"Hi baby, did you get Brandon and Eliza?"

"Sure did," I said.

"And did you go to the store like I asked?"

"Yep."

"And is the house clean?"

"Yes."

"And how's my scarf coming along?"

"I'm working on it right now," I said, stopping to blow smoke out of my mouth.

"Great, thank you, honey bear. The shop is still really busy, so can you make dinner?"

"Yes, I will start making it when these little fucks are hungry," I said.

"Okay, thank you, baby. I love you. I will text you when I am on my way home," she said, and I nodded.

"Okay, momma," and the call ended.

It burned a little knowing I was a disappointment. Like I brought this on myself, but it still hurt just a bit.

My mom was happy that I could do busy work around the house, which kept her from blowing a fuse, but my dad, well, I think he hates me.

He doesn't really talk to me unless he has to and always yells at me, and even when he does talk to me, it's awkward and forced. That burns more than my lungs do.

I sighed and put the cigarette out.

Hey, at least I can take a load off of their shoulders, besides the whole freeloading bit, but I'm trying okay.

I pushed open the front door and locked it.

"When do you guys want to eat?" I asked, not looking up from knitting.

No answer.

I looked up.

"Oh, uh, hi dad," I said, and he nodded.

He was home early.

"Hi," he said. He was eating whatever weird thing I had made before I left.

"Are you home from work?"

He shook his head.

"They let me on my lunch break very late, so I came home, and you cooked something, so I ate it. It's pretty good," he said, and I nodded while standing there knitting while looking at him.

Disappointment. I could just feel it.

"Nice scarf; your mom has been talking about how she wants one."

"Oh yeah, it's for her."

"Nice."

Awkward as normal. I took my AirPods out, put them in their case, and went back to knitting.

"I'll see you later," he said, pushing his chair and grabbing the plate to put in the sink.

"Bye, Dad," I said, waving him off.

He locked the door behind him, and I went to wash the dishes.

"Big backs, what do you guys want to eat?" I yelled; from the looks of it, they were both ditching practice and came down in their pajamas.

"You shower?" Brandon shook his head, and Eliza nodded.

"Stop being like a mom," Brandon said, sitting on the kitchen floor.

"One, I am a guy, and two, get the fuck up," I said, and Brandon rolled his eyes and started typing on his Macbook.

"Can we get homemade pasta? You make bomb pasta," Eliza said and I sighed.

"Anything to make my job as hard as possible,'' I said, grabbing a whole bunch of stuff out of the counter. 

"Calm down, unemployed." I should kick your stupid ass

"Why can't you just eat the box stuff?" I asked, dumping flour on the counter and making a little mound.

"Because you spoil-." the doorbell rang.

I walked over to the door and looked through the peephole.

"Who is it?

"It looks like the tall guy I ran into earlier, but his right-hand man or something. I think his name was Leo."

"Open it before he calls his goons on you," Eliza said jokingly.

I sighed and opened the door, walked outside, and shut it.

"Hi, you are the guy from earlier, right? Leo or something?" The guy looked at me like I had eight heads.

And then his look softened, and he smiled, "Oh yeah."

"Sorry, I ran into uh Dom I think his name is. If you need any money, can I get you some?" I asked, and he nodded.

This guy looked a little different than the other guy, but I think my mind is mixing things up. Side effects of lung cancer probably.

"You are pretty cute," the guy said. I don't think that answers my question at all.

"Thanks?"

"Like a doll; that's what he calls you anyway."

"I'm sorry, who?"

"Nice white teeth, perfect eyes, perfect nose, perfect chocolate skin, perfect height. You are perfect," the guy said.

No, because why did I leave my phone inside? I need to call the cops or someone, maybe the National Guard?

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Too perfect," the guy said and sighed, "and easily manipulated."

Gun. He has a gun. Bullet

Holy fuck.

"What the? Dude, what is wrong-." another bullet in my arm.

"Open that fucking door," he said, pointing the gun at my forehead.

"Over my dead body!" I yelled. He snatched me by the throat and started to kick at our front door. Sometimes I wish I was taller and had more muscle. 

"Don't get-."

"Stop fucking struggling," he yelled. He had a grip on me as he continued to pound down the front door.

He kicked the door down and threw me to the ground.

With whatever I had in me, I stood up. My left arm feels like dead weight, and I'm losing my mind. I put my left leg out and then my right as I swayed from side to side

I heard screaming, and I looked around.

I stumbled my way over to Brandon, and I snatched him with everything I had.

"Wheres. Oh fuck. Eliza?" I asked, and the guy threw her on top of me.

I grabbed her and checked her. She was okay. I shoved them behind me with everything I had in me.

"Anyone else here?" the guy asked with his gun aimed at the three of us.

I shook my head.

"Ryder, what the fuck is happening?"

"I don't know, but my left arm feels like dead weight, and I feel like I smoked too much weed," I said, looking around. The room was spinning. I was spinning.

I felt an arm grab onto my right arm, and I looked at Eliza. She was bawling. 

"Hey, are you okay? He hasn't hurt you, has he-." Another gunshot was blasted, this time through our kitchen cabinets, narrowly missing Brandon.

"Brandon, get behind me-." Another one this time in my leg.

"Will you shut up? You have a sexy voice, but not when you are barking and whining like that," the guy yelled, and he looked around from where he was standing.

"You got the wrong house, dude; I don't know who you are," I said, and he smiled at me.

"Oh, trust me, I have the right house," he said, and he slapped my face.

He continued to look around as my blood went everywhere.

I looked down at Brandon and then at Eliza. I had to fight for them.

"Hey, no one is getting hurt. You guys will be fine," I said. Hey, at least I'll go down as a hero, big brother, instead of a disappointment-ass big brother.

"You aren't," Eliza cried. She was getting her tears all over me.

Fuck. I sighed and tried to take big breaths.

"I'll go out a hero and not some loser ass big brother who smokes too much," I said, and I let out a laugh that turned into a fit of coughs.

"Don't say that." My bad now she was crying even more.

God, my head is pounding.

I watched as the guy ripped out one of our kitchen drawers and then another. He grabbed a knife off the floor.

"Look up at me, pretty," he said as he got closer with his phone in hand and sliced my face with the knife.

I don't even feel anything. I'm burning so much.

He slashed me again, and I heard Eliza scream.

I washed his eyes and flashed over to her.

"Hey, hey," I said. He was still focused on her.

I spat at him. There we go. He is focusing on me again.

This time a punch right to my dome. I felt my head slump down and then back up again.

Fight for them.

He put his phone down and took his gun back out.

"Tell me why this fuckwad hasn't come yet. You are his doll, aren't you?"

"Who?" I said I was fighting consciousness at this point.

He rolled his eyes and slapped me again.

"You were the dipshit at the park he was looking at, Ryder, right? Why the fuck isn't he HERE YET!" The guy screamed in my face.

"I don't know who you are even talking about right now."

"That's what they all say-." He continued to talk as I felt my head start moving up and down.

God, I feel fucking tired as shit.