I can't move on

"Y'all couldn't give me any Advil or something?" My head was fucking pounding and we were sitting in the parking lot with Isabella waiting for Brandon and Eliza's practices to be over.

"We did," Ryder said. He was helping Isabella with her homework while we waited.

Even though he's hurt, his heart is still so big and he's so nice. 

"You just drank a lot last night," Leo said, butting in from the front seat.

Leo gave Ryder a look in the rearview mirror.

"Oh god, was I being weird?" I asked.

All I have been told is that I slept through the whole day and was woken up when we had to pick up Isabella and Ryder's siblings.

Nobody said anything. Fake pieces of shit. 

"Leo dumped you in your room with me-."

"Unknowingly. I was tired as fuck and I thought you were staying in a different room," Leo said, interrupting Ryder.

"Did I vomit everywhere? I actually can't remember anything," I said and the two of them laughed.

I felt a pang of jealousy in my heart. Fuck.

"What do you remember?" 

"Uh. Well, we drove to Matteo's tap. The whole place was lit and we talked. And he was getting on my fucking nerves, so I had a few drinks and I remember him saying something about Ryder, and I continued to drink and then I don't remember anything else besides that," I said, looking at the two of them.

"Well, he said something pretty derogatory that I won't repeat, and then you started to smack him down like I thought you were going to murder him. Someone called the cops on you and we got the fuck out of there because you know your history," Leo cracked and I gave him a look.

"What else happened?" I asked. Nobody said anything.

What the fuck?

"You were blacked out drunk," Leo said.

"Thank you, captain, fucking obvious," I snapped and Isabella started laughing.

I looked at her.

"Nothing, Dad; you were just being funny," Isabella said.

"That's a first; Dominic isn't funny," Ryder said. Dominic? No weird nickname.

No daddy-o or big poppa?

God, what did I do last night?

"He can when he is not being annoying," Leo said and Ryder laughed.

I turned around and looked at him.

He was really cute.

God, he made my heart squeeze.

He had his hair in 6 braids—I don't know what they were called but then went down his scalp.

He looked adorable, though.

He had weird marks on his neck.

They kinda look like hickies but I have never seen one in real life before so I don't know. 

"Ryder-." Leo's rude ass interrupted me while he was turning around in his chair. "Boss, do you want to swap the cars and I stay here and wait for Brandon and Eliza and I will meet y'all at the place or do you want to stay here and I do that?"

That wasn't even coherent but okay.

"Uh, I and Ryder can go in the other car and then start the errands and stuff and you stay here and then go to us, and then we go back and we swap again and Ryder can be with his siblings while we drop them off," I said.

"Yeah, okay, sounds like a plan," I said. 

I kissed Isabella's head.

"I'll see you in an hour or something baby cakes, be good," I said and she nodded.

I got out of the car and made my way to the other side, where Ryder was.

I opened the door for him.

He handed me his crutches, stood up, and hopped out of the way of the door.

He also had what looked to be hickies on his legs.

I let out a sigh as I shut the door.

I don't know what's wrong with me. We aren't dating, he can be with whoever he wants.

"Damn, why are you slamming it so hard, Dom, you are going to break it off," he snapped at me.

Because I'm jealous and I'm a terrible wretched old man.

"You want to walk or not?" I asked, not answering his question.

"The car is right there; just carry me," he said, accepting his fate already slumping over.

I smiled and I bent down and picked him up.

I bumped his ass with the crutches as we walked into the parking lot towards the other car.

"Dominic, stop being a weirdo," Ryder said, laughing.

I put him down in front of the car and I opened it for him.

"We switching, boss?"

"Yep, you can go with Leo," I explained and he nodded as I walked around the car and sat in the driver's seat.

I locked the door as he walked to the other car.

I looked over at Ryder, who had his foot up and was in this weird position on his phone.

"I appreciate what you were doing for Isabella and helping her with her homework," I said, trying to make small talk.

Ryder didn't look up from his phone and said, "Anytime."

He's being standoffish and awkward so I feel like something happened but no one is telling me shit so I have no actual idea. 

I sighed.

"Did I do anything weird last night?"

That got his attention because he looked up at me and laughed.

"What? I don't remember anything. I didn't hurt you did I?" I asked him as we sat alone in one of my cars.

"Uh," he started to trail off and he looked embarrassed.

I croaked my head to the side at him.

I rolled my eyes. "Just tell me it can't be that bad. If I vomited everywhere, you can tell me." I looked him in the eyes.

He looked back at his phone.

"Watch this," he said and he shoved the phone in my face.

"What's this?" I said, taking his phone and clicking play on the video in his camera roll.

"Hi, future me, and future Dominic."

"Hi."

"You are currently drunk out of your mind and have been spewing nonsense for the past—I don't know how long—so this is for you to look at in the morning when you can't remember anything."

"Oh, lovely, how considerate of you," I said, looking at Ryder with a smile as he looked at me with a horrified look on his face.

My attention was back on the video.

"Drunk you is very aggressive and I've tended to your wounds and brushed your teeth, all of which wasn't on my agenda."

I was aggressive?

Oh god, I'm scaring him off already.

I watched as my drawer came crashing down.

Embarrassment is a real thing and I was feeling it and my face was turning red watching the video unfold.

I paused the video. "Is that why I had to fix that this morning when I woke up?"

Ryder nodded at me, laughing.

Oh god. Hopefully, this video doesn't get worse.

"Now that was funny as fuck," Ryder said, pointing at the phone and laughing at me.

My heart was warm, he could laugh at me any time he wanted and I wouldn't even be mad.

"Now can you take your clothes off or do I have to do that for you too?" Embarrassing like I'm some old incapable man.

"Are you giving me a blowjob, pretty thing?" Oh my god. What the fuck?

Why? Why leo? Why did you put me in the room with him?

"I'm so sorry," I said and he laughed.

"Surprisingly not the worst part." Not the worst part? That was already terrible!

Oh god, I am so embarrassed, so fucking embarrassed. 

The video kept going, "Nope, nope, not happening. I am helping you so you can go to bed."

Only me. Only me.

What is wrong with me?

Why didn't I just let him go?

He looked back at the camera and said, "This is what I have had to deal with for the past, like 30 minutes."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine; it was funny," Ryder said sheepishly.

"Now lift your ass up." say less.

I quickly put the phone down.

Ryder and made eye contact.

"I'm sorry," I said again. He was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to suffocate.

Now he was coughing.

"Are you okay?" Ryder nodded, wheezing from laughter.

"It's just that the difference between you now and you last night is fucking hilarious," he said and I smiled. I'm glad I can make him laugh.

Still embarrassed about me flashing him.

"Get your dick out of my face." The video was still going.

Thank the Lord above that I put my boxers back on.

I watched myself sit back on my bed.

"Are you finally sleeping?" 

I flipped the phone back over and squeezed his thigh

"What?"

"You have nice thighs."

"Oh my fucking god, I didn't mean that; I was drunk and just confused," I said

Ryder was cackling again.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at him.

And now I am on top of him.

"Can you just go to sleep, please?" No, no, I couldn't because I love embarrassment and a horny drunk me is so different from me now. 

"Dominic, look at your ass." I see it. I see it very clearly—actually too clearly.

"Hey, hey, what are you…" All of that just went straight to my dick. All of the blood from the embarrassment went straight to my dick.

I am no better than drunk me. 

"Do not. Stop kissing my legs." Is it bad that I'm jealous of myself now?

Why do I feel like this?

I'm disappointed. Why is he making me feel like this?

Oh god, what now?

"It's about to get very bad," Ryder whispers.

It can't be that bad- "I want to fuck you." and that's the end of the video. Wow, it just suddenly got closed out, I wonder how that happened. 

Ryder started cackling again.

"I'm so sorry, I was drunk and I'm sorry I don't remember anything from that night, and I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine," he said through laughter.

"It isn't and I'm sorry," I said, stroking his knee.

I looked down.

"Are those from me?" My eyes went wide and I started to crunch my fingers.

"They are-."

"Fuck, bro," I said. I'm going to cry.

Ryder showed me the video again.

"Or you squeeze me to death with these thighs, mommas?"

And we kissed.

Ryder looked embarrassed. And now I am the same.

I blinked.

"Uh, we kissed?" I asked, looking at the paused video.

He was on my chest and we kissed.

"Uh yeah, twice."

"TWICE? Oh god, I am so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," I apologized for the 80th time.

He bit on one of his nails.

"It's fine, I told you," he said.

Those hickies were from me, on his thighs and neck. All from me.

I looked down at his legs.

I traced them with my fingers.

I'm very impressed with myself, but still.

"I-."

"No more apologies; I told you it was fine," he said.

"Okay."

We stayed in silence.

My mind was racing a thousand miles an hour and I didn't know what to do.

"Uh, didn't we have errands to run?" Ryder said, hitting my thigh gently.

I tensed up.

Control, I have control.

"Yeah, let's go run errands now, so I can, uh, get my mind off that."

"It's okay," he said, and this time I looked forward and put my hands on the steering wheel I could trust myself as long as I didn't look at him.

I could trust myself and let guilt eat me away.