I Became the Drug-Addicted Childhood Friend

Translator: Elisia

Editor/Proofreader: SemiPickle

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I’d do anything for the drug.

My body and mind, already long since conquered.

I try to act normal when I’m not under its influence, but it doesn’t last long.

I feel so miserable I want to die.

But if I die on my own, Si-Hoo would be sad.

And I really don’t want that.

I just want to be happy.

I just…

Normal…

Life…

“Where’s the doctor.”

It’s because of him.

It’s the reason Si-Hoo leaves me in a place like this.

Who made me start using the drug in the first place?

The doctor.

If it weren’t for the drug, Seo-Ah would’ve lived well with Si-Hoo.

Whether I went to the academy or not, I would’ve been at least somewhat happy!

With this state of mind, I was never going to become a hero anyway.

Yoo Seo-Ah is just an ordinary person.

Just a mere civilian who admires heroes.

“The doctor… ruined me…”

Thank goodness.

I’m glad I have someone else to blame besides myself.

I’m so glad!

Let’s just blame it all on the doctor!

A bad adult!

The only adult Seo-Ah could lean on and follow was the doctor at the shelter.

Then one day, the shelter disappeared.

And one day, a strange doctor appeared.

“Where’s the real doctor… the one from before…”

Where could he have gone?

I wonder.

He wasn’t even in the original story, so I don’t know.

He’s just a figure drawn from Yoo Seo-Ah’s memories.

“Please stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.”

I mutter, not even knowing what I’m begging to stop.

Lately, I’ve been saying more and more things that don’t make sense.

I mumble something and then make up a reason for saying it afterward.

“The weather’s cloudy.”

What kind of line is that?

There was a section in my childhood diary where I’d write about the weather.

“The weather’s cloudy.”

Why did I say it twice?

I don’t know.

“Shut up. You’re noisy.”

It’s noisy, they say.

What’s the reason?

“There’s no way you don’t know.”

Of course, I know.

The noise is in my head.

It’s so loud I feel like I’m going to die.

Thinking is pain.

Just existing is pain.

“Aaaaahhhh…”

I clutch my head with both hands.

I pull my knees together and curl up.

Even then, it barely brings me any relief.

“Save meee…”

Someone, anyone, please save me.

Truthfully, I’ve been asking for help for a very long time.

I knew the world was cold.

But I thought there would be at least a little mercy.

I had hoped.

“Aaaaah… Please. Stop. Stop it! Stop. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I’ve already suffered enough. I’m already so far behind. I already know I’m less than others. I know I’m not even human. I’ve struggled enough, so please, please, I know I can’t succeed no matter how hard I try, so stop.”

Who am I even begging?

“I don’t know!”

I said I don’t know.

It’s noisy.

“Hehehe…”

I laugh.

Laughing makes me feel better.

Laughing when I’m in no position to laugh.

Today feels awful, and so will tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and the day after that.

I’m scared that tomorrow could be even worse.

How far can I fall?

There’s no bottom to falling.

And it’s still noisy.

My head is noisy.

It’s like someone actually left music playing.

“Aaah…”

My mind feels like a rubber band stretching.

Stretching to the very limit.

And then, it finally snaps.

…

…

…Silence.

Silence is golden.

The cracked mirror needs to be replaced.

But I still thought the shattered pieces of glass were beautiful.

Though, in reality, I can’t see a mirror.

There aren’t any glass shards either.

There’s nothing at all.

Maybe there’s one piece of hope left.

That’s probably the only reason I’m still alive.

If I keep going, someday this hell will end.

Si-Hoo will help me.

…

…

…

…Silence.

Be quiet. Stop talking. Shut up.

But it’s so noisy.

“Slice the thoughts into small pieces and eat them.”

I can’t.

“I don’t want to listen to music.”

Loud music.

[Activated]

Music keeps playing in my head.

I can feel my strength returning.

I can sense the mana in the air.

The door opened.

[Deactivated]

It closed again.

Music, like a record, keeps spinning in my head.

But the DJ has left, and that’s the problem.

“Someone, please turn down the volume…”

Still, I’ve regained enough energy to talk.

It seems like Si-Hoo is here.

“Seo-Ah? Are you okay?”

It’s Si-Hoo.

The real Si-Hoo.

“Sorry, I should’ve come sooner.”

Si-Hoo apologizes.

“Oh, you’re here?”

These days, I have to be careful not to mistake hallucinations or dreams for reality.

Is this really something I should have to be careful about?

My head feels a little less noisy.

“Yeah, I’ve got everything ready. We can leave here right away.”

“Is that so? Where are we going?”

“To another city… or maybe it’s more like the countryside. Anyway, it’s a safe place. Let’s go together.”

So that’s what this is about.

Is that what it was?

This is very different from the novel.

“Are you helping me?”

“Huh? Of course, I am.”

Confirmation.

I just need to figure out why Han Si-Hoo is helping me.

I’ve come up with several hypotheses, but the plausible ones are these:

Hypothesis 1: Han Si-Hoo’s genuine goodwill toward a friend.

Hypothesis 2: Han Si-Hoo wants something from me.

Sub-hypothesis 2-1: Han Si-Hoo will continue helping me even after getting what he wants.

Sub-hypothesis 2-2: Han Si-Hoo will abandon me after getting what he wants.

“…You don’t have to try so hard.”

“What?”

“If there’s something you want, tell me now. I’ll do whatever I can.”

“I… I just want you to come with me. That’s all.”

Si-Hoo speaks, a little flustered.

Something he desires.

Something he wants.

Something I can give him.

“Even though you’ve probably already seen all my scars, if this ruined body is fine with you, I’ll give it to you. But seriously, it’s so noisy.”

I was talking about the music.

“…Huh?”

“You can do whatever you want with me. Anything. Isn’t that what you want?”

Si-Hoo’s expression hardens.

—

What is Seo-Ah even saying?

Han Si-Hoo feels as though he’s been hit by something but continues listening to Seo-Ah.

“I know what you’re worried about…”

She speaks calmly.

And smiles like she knows everything.

“What if Seo-Ah’s trash? What if I’ve thrown my body around carelessly? That’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it?”

Is that really what she thought I was thinking?

Han Si-Hoo starts to understand how Seo-Ah perceives herself.

A sharp pain strikes somewhere in his heart.

“Why don’t you check for yourself? I don’t really know either.”

With that, Seo-Ah starts unbuttoning her shirt.

Snap.

Han Si-Hoo grabs her wrist.

He’s scared because he thinks he knows what Seo-Ah is about to do.

“Don’t.”

His hand gripping her wrist is trembling.

“Stop it, Seo-Ah. Don’t do this.”

“Why? You told me to say what I want. Si-Hoo, I… I have nothing left but my body.”

Each word Seo-Ah speaks weighs down heavily on his heart.

It feels like something is crushing his chest.

“I… I’m scared. I feel like my friend is disappearing. But that’s not true, is it? Seo-Ah, you’re…”

Seo-Ah’s expression stiffens for a moment.

Her trembling eyes reveal the wreckage of her shattered self-esteem.

Was that the wrong thing to say?

“Yeah, Si-Hoo.”

She forces a smile and continues.

“I’m not Yoo Seo-Ah anymore, just some distorted version of her. The friend you knew is already dead. Let’s just have a funeral. Seo-Ah disappeared a long time ago.”

She hasn’t disappeared.

Not at all.

Han Si-Hoo grips her wrist more firmly.

“No, you haven’t disappeared. You’re still here. I can see you. It’s you right here.”

You haven’t disappeared.

Desperation and a faint trace of anger seep into his voice.

“Seo-Ah, no matter what you think of yourself… no matter what’s happened… it doesn’t matter. I still don’t want to let go of you. So please…”

“Shut up.”

Seo-Ah says it because of the music, but to Han Si-Hoo, there’s no music playing.

Still, he’s grown used to being rejected.

Han Si-Hoo doesn’t stop expressing his intentions.

“I’m sorry.”

He releases her wrist.

And then, with both hands.

This time, he holds her hands.

“But throwing yourself away like this… it’s not okay. Don’t abandon yourself. It’s going to be okay. So please.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah.”

Please, I just want Seo-Ah to be okay.

From the bottom of his heart.

He wants to see her smile again.

A day where she can laugh freely.

Seo-Ah momentarily finds a sense of calm in the warmth of Si-Hoo’s hands.

At least it seemed that way.

“Then, you know…”

“Yeah?”

“So, um… what was I going to say? It’s so noisy I forgot.”

“What?”

“Don’t you think it’s noisy? It’s chaotic.”

At this point, Han Si-Hoo realizes what Seo-Ah means by “noisy.”

She’s hearing something.

Something other than his voice.

“Aah, I remember now.”

Seo-Ah clasps his hands tightly.

“Why did you do that? Why did you say those things? Why did you try to strangle me? Do you still hate me? Is it because I tried to kill you? I’m sorry. But you still hate me, right? You still don’t trust me. I know broken trust doesn’t come back, Si-Hoo. It’s noisy.”

She pours out her words.

“I’m sorry. That was because of the side effects of the purification skill. If you think I really meant to do that… it’s not true. You can relax.”

“Oh? Side effects. Yeah. That’s right. I think you said that before. Sorry. My memory hasn’t been great lately…”

Seo-Ah speaks quietly.

Her emotional shifts happen so quickly it’s hard to keep up.

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t understand anything.”

“If you don’t understand, just come with me. For now, that’s enough.”

“Oh, it’s not noisy… I mean, no. That’s not it.”

Seo-Ah rambles.

Han Si-Hoo wonders if the music is playing in her head again.

But he doesn’t know.

“…No, that’s not it… I’ll go. But, Si-Hoo, do you even understand what I’m saying? It’s just… uh… ah… ahhh… ahaha.”

“You can take your time.”

“Oh, okay… um… sorry.”

Seo-Ah speaks in a voice that sounds like she’s about to cry.

“It’s okay. It’s not too late yet. You’re not alone.”

He speaks softly.

Maybe this is something Han Si-Hoo himself needed to hear.

It’s not too late yet.

It’s not too late.

Not yet.

Not yet.

“Hehe… hehehe…”

Seo-Ah is still smiling, so it’s not too late.