I Am A Carnivorous Plant

=Hey, I don’t think I got your name?=

 

I tried to make small talk with the elf while I carved out a bit more newt-monster meat. Don’t worry, even if he was wrapped up, I still left his head and neck free so he could breathe and talk! I’m not an idiot, you know. And sure, at first he kicked and fought and stirred up a fuss, but since I always squeezed him (until he couldn't breathe) every time he started trying to use his magic, he eventually just gave up.

 

I’m probably going to have to heal him a bit more later, though, if those little snapping sounds I heard are any indication.

 

Maybe I had to shake him a little bit sometimes to get him to play nice, but he always eventually coughed up an answer.

 

“Ek’Til.”

 

Eh? Ek’Til? What a tribal sounding name for an elf. I would have thought it would have been something long and flowy and well… elvish sounding, right? Like how L’Lan’e’frea sounds. Well at least it still started with an E. E for elf! Easy to remember!

 

Hard to say though, so let’s shorten it!

 

=Okay, then I’ll call you ‘Til’!=

 

Til in my grips totally frowned at that, but-

I!

Don’t!

Care!

 

I tried to offer him some of the monster meat by the way, since I’m not rude, but he completely declined. Apparently the meat is poisonous or something? Or, no, I think he said it was the blood on the meat that was poisonous or whatever. Good thing I didn’t have any of it on the tentacles I was holding him with; Could have hurt my poor Til by accident! Wouldn’t want that, no siree! But I guess it wouldn’t be that bad even if I had, since I have so much meat in front of me; There’s plenty enough nutrients here for me to heal him hundreds of times over!

 

Even though he was acting like he didn’t want to be there, he sure was watching me eat all hard. He looked really serious about it, too! It’s part of why I’d tried to offer him a bit of the meat, although like I’d said, he’d declined it. Honestly, all his staring was starting to make me feel kind of bashful.

 

=...Is it that you’re hungry but can’t eat it? Do you want me to find you something?=

 

“No, that’s not-”

 

=But I don’t even know what you elves eat!=

 

“No, you don’t have to-”

 

=Oh, I get it hehehe~! You know, maybe you eat plants, but I can’t just let you eat me, okay?=

 

“...What are you-”

 

=I’m sure I must look tasty, but you can’t! Although maybe I could let you have a tentacle if you wanted to give me some of your blood-=

 

“CAN YOU JUST LISTEN FOR A MOMENT?!”

 

Woops. I bowed my ‘head’ in apology and gestured with my tentacles for him to continue. I even loosened my tentacles that were holding him a little, just to show how sorry I was! I’m not sure he understood my sincerity, though, from the way his face was still pouting. Doesn’t he realize how much I had to go out of my way for him just to even do that little bow?! My head definitely wasn’t designed to do those kinds of movements!

 

“...I was staring because I thought it was odd.”

 

=Huh?=

 

I tilted my ‘head’ and cutely brought a tentacle up to my cheek. Funny how these actions are so natural to me, but nodding, shaking, and bowing are all such a struggle.

 

“I’ve heard of other L’Lan’e’frea in the forest who also eat like you, but seeing it in person is quite strange. I suppose I only think like that because I’m so used to how the northern L’Lan’e’frea used to eat, though.”

 

=Oh, you mean the tree guy? Yeah, we do eat really differently, for sure.=

 

I guess Til must have met him before, huh? Lucky him that that rude treant didn’t get to him first; If I can restrain Til this easy, then that treant could have easily killed him and taken all of his delicious blood.

 

“...Tree guy...? ...Yes, you are indeed eating differently. But would it not be quicker for you to eat a monster of this size if you simply seeded it like that L’Lan’e’frea did, instead of slowly tossing bits of it inside of you?”

 

‘Seeded’? He must be talking about that weird little sapling drain thing that the treant did. Yeah, I could see how that’d be quicker for something as big as this behemoth, although I think it’d probably be way slower if it was something small. Or maybe not, since I actually never saw how fast it worked! Huh... I wonder if I’d still get full eventually if I did that? Honestly, I’m starting to get full already now. It would be such a waste to not finish eating this feast, though.

 

=Yeah, maybe you're right. It definitely might be better since this thing is so big.=

 

“That’s what I think. …So then, why do you not seed it, and insist on manually consuming it?”

 

…What?

 

=...But that’s not how I eat, though.=

 

“Is that so? Have you tried?”

 

Well damn, if he’s gonna say that, then…

 

~~~

 

I have experimented, and I have this to say:

No, it doesn’t work!

 

I tried sitting on it, I tried growing things on it, I even tried putting my seed as close to the monster’s skin as much as I could, and absolutely none of that worked! The only thing it succeeded in was making me feel like an idiot!

 

=...Are you happy now?=

 

Til slightly moved his bound head, as if he were trying to bow it.

 

“I’m truly sorry, L’Lan’e’frea.”

 

=Yeah, you’d better be.=

 

Ah, it’s not like I’m actually all that mad, really, I’m just super embarrassed and a little pissed that I couldn’t do it. I really shouldn’t be acting like this over just a small bit of disappointment, especially since I’m sure if I focused enough nutrition and growth towards it, I could totally figure out a way to make it work. I’m magic after all. A magical plant. There’s nothing I can’t do if I really want it! Nothing!

 

Guess I’ll just have to make that my next goal.

 

Well then, now that I’ve gotten that silliness out of the way-

 

=I’m sure you’ve gotta be hungry by now!=

 

“Agh, Mother Forest, not this again…”

 

=No no, I’m sure of it, right? It’s been like an entire day! Don’t you elves eat food or anything?=

 

Or maybe it’s that they don’t eat every day? It’s possible, it’s a fantasy world after all. Maybe elves have a different constitution than the human one that I’m used to. Or maybe they eat something really crazy special? I wonder if I’d be able to find it here.

 

Hmmm… Keeping an elf as a pet seems really difficult, then.

Oh, but I guess it doesn’t have to be that way!

I don’t like having to be the responsible one anyways.

So what if it was the other way around!

=Heyyy, you got any pets, Til?=