I Am A Carnivorous Plant

I would like to clarify: I may be a pervert, but I’m not a fan of doing anything you know… bathroom based. I’m not going to live in this elf’s toilet, okay? But you know…

 

He’s really attractive.

Just my type, attractive.

A-ttrac-tive!

 

So yeah. If blood freaks him out, and I need something else that his body can produce, then maybe… Well, you know. I’m sure I could convince him to part with way more of that than his blood, certainly!

 

Til could totally feel my impure intentions, and he grasped the meaning behind what I’d said fairly quickly.

Looked completely baffled, too!

Ah, this elf is hilarious~!

 

“Wha- I can’t believe you would even consider-!”

 

=So is that a yes, then?=

 

I sure wasn’t hearing a no~!

 

“No!”

 

Awww…

 

=I was sure you’d be more okay with that than giving me your blood, though… I mean wouldn’t it be so much easier on you? I could help with the whole process and everything!=

 

Can’t really tell how well petals and tentacles would help, though. Idunno, there’s all kinds of people out there... Maybe elves get off on the feeling of nature! It would certainly help me out if that were the case.

 

Ah, or maybe not, judging by how indignant and everything he looks right now.

Maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong?

It could be that there’s something else about me that he’s just not that into too, I guess.

 

“That’s certainly not the case! You think I’d-!”

 

=Oh… Is it because I look like Mom?=

 

I weaved a few of my tentacles over to cover my ‘breasts’ so he couldn’t see them.

 

=I can’t really help it if I look like a woman… Does it help if I tell you that I’m not? I don’t really have a gender or any genitalia, although I guess I do think of myself in a feminine way…=

 

“...What? …You’ve gotten the wrong idea, that doesn’t have anything to do with-”

 

=Ah, I guess it’s not really such a big deal if that’s what you’re into though! I don’t think my body’s gonna let me change my looks, but if that’s what you like, then I have a ton of tentacles that could get the job done! And if that’s not enough, then I could probably convince my body to grow a di- =

 

“DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?!”

 

Haha, ahhh, I really love flustering him like this. It’s really a shame that he won’t accept my offer, so I decided to tease him instead. Really. That’s what happened. I totally wasn’t serious in the second half there. Really. I mean, just because I grew one of those doesn’t mean he’d necessarily find the rest of me attractive if he was really into boys, right? Although maybe a small part of me wishes it was that easy. Idunno… Maybe he’s just being shy, and it would actually work? There are people like that out there, I’m sure.

 

Til, with his very flushed face, spoke up a few seconds later, after he stopped fuming.

Gotta say, love that embarrassed look on that super beefy body.

Gonna have to do my best not to keep teasing him too much, or else he might just run away from the big bad plant~!

Oh, but I guess he’s still taller than me… For now.

 

“...The issue here isn’t your… ‘gender’ or what have you. What I take issue with is the suggestion of the act in the first place!”

 

=Huh? Is there maybe some kind of elf law that doesn’t let you jerk off or something?=

 

Oh, or maybe he could be asexual? I forgot that that was a possibility. He’d said that the forest created them just like it created me, right? Then maybe, just like nothing sexy had to happen to make me (I hope), then elves also reproduce asexually? Maybe they reproduce with spores or budding or something, idunno.

 

Til covered his face with both of his hands and let out a long and big sigh. I must have really done something this time, since he’d only done that now, amidst all the heinous shit I’ve been saying to him (hehe).

 

“...I can’t believe you even know about such terms... Please erase such useless knowledge from your mind!”

 

Oh, it was my phrasing that he didn’t like. Got it. Gosh, I know he’s an elf, but looking at his big manly body, you wouldn’t think that he’d be such an emotionally delicate flower.

Well, I guess I don’t dislike it~!

 

When Til’s hands finally came down, his eyes looked resolved, although his face still looked a little apprehensive and flushed. Guess he must have gathered up his courage or something. He looked me straight in my ‘face’, right where my eyes should have been, and spoke gently, like he was going to say something very important and sensitive.

 

“I don’t know what you take me for, but I’m not the kind of person who could just do something so special with someone I only just met, let alone a random monster who might kill me at any moment. You’re an intelligent being; Surely you must understand that taking a lover should not happen so easily.”

 

Ah, yup, a delicate flower. Guess elves don’t have a concept of casual sex or friends with benefits or anything? Or maybe Til’s just veeeery sheltered.

 

Hmm Hm Hmmmm, oh no~!

This is only making me want to convince him more!

 

=You’re taking it too seriously! I’m not saying you have to take me as a lover… I just want to be your pet plant! Think of it like taking in a pet cat; They choose you and come around sometimes, and then you give ‘em a bit of your time and feed them! It’ll be just like that, promise! It’s no big deal, really.=

 

“Haah, and now you’re back to that pet idea again… It IS a big deal! How is this possibly like caring for a cat?! There’s no one who would do something like that for their pet!”

 

=Bah, you’re way too stuck on the whole ‘feeding’ concept here- =

 

“Of COURSE I am!”

 

Does he really not wanna do it so bad? But why? I’m so pretty! I mean look at me! My mom was a total looker! He must be totally into guys, like I thought. Maybe I’m gonna have to grow that extra thing after all…

 

=Well… If it’s such a big deal to you, then I guess you don’t have to feed me right away; I’ll just wait until you feel a bit more comfortable with it.=

 

Til stared at me like he was looking at some kind of alien for a moment, and then he just sighed.

He sure is getting a lot of sighing in today, huh?

“...You have to understand why it’s hard to believe that, right?”

 

I raised a tentacle to my face and tilted my head in confusion. What could he possibly mean?

 

=Why? It’s not like I’m a rapist or anything; I wouldn’t do anything dirty to you if you didn’t want it.=

 

Til scanned my 'face' over distrustingly, and then closed his eyes and shrugged like he wasn’t impressed.

 

“Your sexual advances aside, you’re still a monster. You might just kill me while I slept and take my blood. Or maybe you’d just steal it instead and heal me up without me ever knowing.”

 

Eh? Wow, he really must not trust me. I can’t believe he’d think such totally valid things about me! It does hurt to admit that I may have considered that second point of his once or twice…

 

I wiggled my tentacles in dismay and denial.

 

=No no, I would never do something like that! If I wanted to kill you I would have already done it! And there’s no way I could just take your blood without you knowing; I don’t have anything sharp on me at all! You’d totally wake up!=

 

His eyes squinted at my second point, but he just crossed his arms and looked away, as if he was willing to let that sketchy bit slide.

 

“Sure, you haven’t killed me yet, but now that you know I’m not willing to become your little blood bank or floozy as you like, you might just change your mind.”

 

Wow, I’m gonna really have to try and earn some points with Til if his impression of me is that low. But whyyy?! I’ve been nothing but nice to him!

 

=I would never hurt you! You’re way too handsome for that!=

 

Til cocked a doubtful eyebrow at me, and his mouth made a small wry smile.

 

“Are you sure about that? I’ve got some cracked ribs that prove otherwise.”

 

Oh, damn, I’d completely forgotten to fix those…

Ugh! Past me, why did you squeeze him to hard?!