Husband of the Goblin Tribe

~~** Interlude | Mint **~~

It has been three days since the events of the [Last Bloodmaw] secret storyline had my previous character wiped and replaced with my current one—Mint Wyze. There were no shortages of both tutorial and disturbing main story quests to get me up to date on what it meant to be a Bloodmaw Goblin.

My first two quests were to eat some kind of bloody thing attached to me, and then breastfeed off of the mother goblin who gave birth to me. The first one I could sort of deal with, but the second… I mean, there were a LOT of goblins present while I had to do it. I was so reluctant, the game prompted one of the NPC goblins who introduced herself as my big sister goblin Ebony to give me a detailed tutorial.

Plus, my VR2L-ON equipment that I had purchased on the cheap, and which had rather low-specs, was suddenly operating like it was the highest end product on the market! I was seeing green goblin boobies in upwards of 4K resolution… to the point I could see little particles of dirt on them. Plus, I mean… they felt like real boobs would feel, and they were… bigger than my own… in the real world.

Everything; touch, taste, hearing, vision, and smell, were working way above the settings I had every set for them. In fact, the feedback from the haptics must have been reset to the upper levels, because all of my senses kept making me believe that where I was right now was almost more real than the real world my main body was currently residing in.

Anyway, to recap the previous two days, it went something like this:

I took a nap after nursing. When I woke up, there were fewer goblins present. [Pepper] my mother goblin, [Jewel] who was one of the teenage goblins around the same age as my mother goblin, [Ebony] my big sister goblin who was trying to teach me all sort of things, play games with me until I was exhausted, and talked so much that she brought my goblin language skill to near the maximum level.

Then there was [Ark Wyze]… who was still in his human form and taking care of everyone in the cave we were in. He was a very dedicated person to these goblins. He pampered Pepper while she was recovering from childbirth, feeding her plenty of food and giving her massages that she seemed to enjoy. When he had a free moment, it was either to take care of and play with Ebony and I or to mate with an already very clearly ready to be done being pregnant Jewel in front of us. Those two went at it with some serious intensity.

Whatever developer was behind the programming is definitely going to be fired should this scenario get released to the public in this state!

I could only really begin to talk on the second day, when my language proficiency reached 50%

Ark Wyze, who everyone here calls Husband, is the only male to be found in Goblinhome. He alone is the father of all of my sisters and basically all the adult goblin are in his harem, even the one called [Old One] who looks to be the oldest—somewhere in her mid-thirties if I had to take a guess. She’s pregnant, too. All the adult goblins who aren’t visibly pregnant, already have children.

By count, there’s fourteen adult goblins including Old One. There’s eleven goblin children including me, [Mint].

I’ve basically been able to confirm that I’m somehow in the past timeline of the game and have now assumed the role of his eleventh child who had died after a week. All I had to go on as to what caused her to die was that she had somehow lost the will to live. I’ll do my best to keep her alive and see what comes of it, if it’s possible.

Day three has involved me meeting with Diana Artemis again, my eldest goblin sister, and she has brought two more of my sisters—Orchid and Lilac—to give me a physical examination of sorts.

“You both strong-one and smart-one. Need see where belong.”

Apparently, Diana Artemis and Glace had come to the idea of creating a sort of caste system within the tribe. Goblins who excelled in physical combat, goblins who excelled in magical combat, and goblins who excelled in producing things.

I usually played hybrid classes, as they were the easiest type for me to use since I was mostly a solo-player and going all in as a physical or caster class would mean I would inevitably need to party up for some of the harder content. My starting stats as Mint the Bloodmaw were superior by far compared to any of the other races I had played up until this point… except for my stamina which was rather low.

Outside of the cave known as Goblinhome, there was something like a parkour course on the opposite side of the fire-pit in the center of the open field. Button and Glace were also there with us, along with Ebony who refused to leave my side for any reason, insistent that since she was my big sister, it was her job to help me learn how to be a goblin. I don’t see how that applied to me needing to run the parkour course alone, but whatever. She at least cheered me on a whole bunch, which was nice, if not distracting.

On my solo run through the parkour course, I came in second place. Apparently, I lost to [Bitey], who was Ebony’s pet bone-spider. But, I mean, who can beat an animated jumping spider made of bones on a parkour course?

I was worried about being a disappointment, but that didn’t happen.

“Not bad.”

My appraisal from Diana Artemis was thus.

I had potential as a goblin hunter, and if I wanted to, I was free to join the hunters when I was old enough to do so. After that, I was passed over to Glace who together with Button and Ebony had me work on my magic skills.

Button didn’t seem to be possessed of magic, but she assured me that she could use it. She said it wasn’t the same kind of magic that Vera, Glace, or Ebony had, but that it was taught to her by Husband, and was a special kind of fighting magic.

Considering her class was some kind of Monk, it wasn’t an unbelievable claim.

Glace, who was the tribe’s Shaman, demonstrated her magic by manifesting a number of Runes and doing stuff like creating an oversized [Land Barrier] and [Water Lance]. She was a monstrously high-spec glass cannon caster. Raid-level, almost.

Ebony didn’t appear to use the Rune system for her magic.

“Bones listen Ebony. Iggy listen Ebony. Ebony love friends!”

It seems that the magic she could use was somehow tied to whether or not she was using her magic wand. And that thing was a Transcendent-tier weapon! According to my HUD’s appraisal of it (when she let me hold it for a moment, such a trusting big sister…) it was a branch of the Spirit Tree that had been crafted by the reclusive Spirit Elves who lived in harmony with it as its caretakers into a wand at the behest of Salondra Wyze for her son.

What should be a bound item exclusive to Ark Wyze was instead useable by those of his lineage.

Or at least, select ones...

Ebony, alone, to be precise, actually.

Honestly, I was wondering how in the hell anyone could cause harm to the Bloodmaw tribe at this point when even the children were all practically elite monsters. I would think just with how many goblins there were right now, not a single guild fifty-strong outside of the top ten could even hope to challenge the just-over two dozen goblins of the Bloodmaw who currently existed.

As for me… I did use the Rune magic system, but… my affinities were janky. My attempts at conjuring basic fireballs to try and impress my sisters had fizzled too quickly to be useful.

“Iggy say Mint use Tree-magic!”

Apparently, while I had held Ebony’s wand, it had appraised me somewhat.

In my status page, my class which had yet to be selected since I wasn’t yet level ten, now had something listed there.

[Bloody Druid]

I was a Druid?

Hmm, it’s not like I hadn’t played a Druid before, just not in this VRMMORPG. And one of the most basic bread-and-butter skills a Druid is famously known for is… [Root].

The Rune-crafting system was still functional in my HUD, and so I drew the three Runes in the three available slots I had available at tier-one to create the spell, making sure to use the diacritical marks to enable the exact effect I needed to happen.

[^Land^]->[Power]->[‘Pull’]

The grass underneath Glace grew quickly weaving itself into a vine and wrapped around her tiny legs. She was quick to look down and notice she was now stuck in place.

I received a nod from her before a single Rune [Decay] manifested from her fingertip and bounced from one of the vines to the other and had them wither instantly. Button, who spoke for Glace through something like telepathy, said that Glace would welcome me into her faction of magic users if I wanted. I clearly had enough talent to not need to hunt animals like a musclehead goblin.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, so I deferred joining either faction for now.

With the testing done, everyone gathered decided it was playtime, and so we all played on the swings and tall slide that was just to the side of the entrance to Goblinhome.

I think I was a bit too old in real life to play around like I was an elementary-schooler, but it was kind of fun, and there was the look on Ebony’s face that said she wanted to push me on the swing, because, you know, she was my big sister, and that was what big sister goblins are supposed to do for little sister goblins.

Afterwards, it was back to my cave-hole to see a disheveled Ark Wyze and two… depraved goblins leaking fluids from places that should have a mosaic pattern overlaid. Didn’t my mother goblin just give birth to me? Why was she already…?

“Oh, Mint! Ebony! Glad come back!”

“Husband~!”

Ebony ran and collided into his leg with a hug.

“Done play? Hungry? Want visit Melon eat hamburger?”

"We go!" Ebony said, deciding for us both.

I was picked up and whisked away by Ark Wyze on his shoulders as we walked the distance of a couple of cave-holes away to the one called Melon’s Kitchen. She was another of my older sisters—A really chubby green-skinned one among the production faction who had recently become responsible for creating a variety of goblin cuisine, as before Ark Wyze arrived it was unheard of for goblins to like cooked meat, and pretty much only ate bloody raw meat unless there was none, and then fruits, nuts, or berries, until there was again.

Ark Wyze got his hamburger cooked medium well, whereas Ebony and I got ours medium rare, and absolutely drenched in what I hoped was ketchup on top and not actual blood.  I was a bit hesitant to eat it, remembering that bloody mass I had to eat when I first became Mint…

“Mint not like?” Ark Wyze asked me.

My olfactory senses were working at like one-hundred and ten percent right now, and Ark Wyze’s burger smelt incredible. I was drooling just looking at it.

“Mint… want this one?”

I nodded before I realized it, and Ark Wyze smiled, taking my plate away and putting his plate in front of me. I didn’t even bother waiting for utensils, or said thanks, I just picked it up (it was hot but didn’t bother me), and devoured it quickly.

Ark Wyze reached over and patted my head.

“Mint like fire-meat?”

I could only assume he was asking me if I liked cooked meat. Given the choice between cooked or raw meat, unless we were talking sushi or something, I was definitely pro-cooked meat.

“I… like it…” I said with a smile.

He returned a thumbs-up.

Ark Wyze ended up giving the hamburger he took from me to Ebony and ordered two more medium-well cooked burgers for us. The second one tasted even better than the first. Ebony, mouth absolutely dripping with ketchup, looking like a zombie that had lifted its head after having feasted on a corpse and wondering where the next was, told Ark Wyze about what had happened earlier with my sisters.

“Husband listen! Mint use Tree-magic!”

“Tree-magic? That like Ebony bone-magic?”

“Maybe? Make grass grow Glace leg. No can move. Iggy say tree-magic!”

“Hmm. Maybe Druidic magic.”

“What… Dru… dick?”

“Druidic… uh… other not-goblins use tree-magic, called Druid. Other not-goblins use bone-magic, called Necromancer. Like Ebony.”

“Husband smart.  Know how use tree-magic?”

“Little. Use spell carry Diana when hunt Black-claws tree-magic. Called Wolf Wind. Make run fast.”

“That tree-magic?? Not stone-magic?? Diana say Husband have special stone use all stone-magic when hunt Black-claws!”

“Special stone called Focus Orb. Jewel keep safe. When hold, easy use many many magic. Maybe even bone-magic if learn Runes.”

“Husband can learn bone-magic!?”

“Can if Ebony tell Runes make bone-magic.”

“Ebony not use Runes. Feel bones, listen bones. Ebony ask, bones do.”

“That called talent. More Ebony use bone-magic, stronger get.”

“Gwah! Ebony use bone-magic lots. Become strongest goblin!”

“Hmm, what do when strongest goblin?”

“Rule world?”

“What happen me?”

“Husband rule world Ebony?”

“Hmm… okay. What happen Mint?”

“What Mint want do when rule world?” Ebony asked.

“…be lazy?” I answered. Surprisingly, the work ethic of the Bloodmaw Tribe consists of doing something in order to be lazy later, or being lazy, both considered virtuous things, as long as a goblin isn’t too lazy…

“Sound good. Mint take care lazy.” Ebony decreed.

Ark Wyze and Ebony both seemed to be in agreement that ruling the world was going to take a lot of work, and there needed to be someone in charge of making sure busy world-ruling goblins could find the time to be lazy. It was a ridiculous conversation, but it really brought to light the kind of person the Ark Wyze of the past was.

The love he has for his daughters is unquestionable.  Even me, who was only a few days old and hadn’t really accomplished anything of note yet. Spending time eating hamburgers and listening to us go on about trivial things was something that meant everything to him. It was so visible in his animated face, and he never once turned a single goblin away who came to him, as evidenced by my older sister Melon who came by just to sit in his lap to have her head patted and belly poked as he told her how delicious the food she cooked was.  Something both Ebony and I couldn't possible miss was all that she really wanted, just from the shit eating grin of happiness on her face alone.

Even Bitey was happy, scurrying about the table in some kind of makeshift spinning dance…

“Ah… what are the Runes for Wolf Wind?” I asked, having never learned such a spell on any of my other characters. There was a haste spell, but it had a high mana cost and didn’t last long.

“Wolf Wind? Use Force Magic when cast, but four Runes easy use make… [Wind] [Push] [^Power^] [Pull]. Order important. First make wind, push wind back body, create force self, pull wind forward body.”

“What… if I can only use three Runes?” I asked, seeing the main problem. I only had three slots for chaining Runes in my HUD.

“What mean only three?”

“I can only use Runes that fit in a certain space…”

Ark Wyze listened to me poorly explain while I began drawing the sixteen-by-sixteen box-shaped grid used for drawing Runes in the game. I filled in each one of the three with a Rune and showed him the problem.

“Should talk Vera Runes… have talent, know more than me. Why need make Rune big? Make small, try like this… okay use other Rune same place not change shape much.”

He had drawn all four Runes in a single sixteen by sixteen grid, including the diacritical marks on the [Power] Rune. Some of the Runes overlapped others in places, but it fit and was completely legible, with only three Runes overlapping their sides with each other.

Any doubts that he was the lost son of Salondra Wyze the Tower Master were officially put to rest with that. It was like just learning algebra and someone coming along showing you what a mindfuck calculus could be…

“Can… I try to use it?”

“Maybe use Bitey test? Use Mint, move fast hit wall, trip, get hurt. Ebony, okay Mint use tree-magic Bitey go fast?”

Bitey spun around and raised a bony foreleg.

“Bitey say okay, want run fast!” Ebony answered.

For a moment, Ark Wyze made a face that reminded me of him when he was a goblin.

“Bitey, when Mint make go fast, go give Glace big kiss on face.”

Bitey jumped up excitedly.

“Mint, go ahead try.” He said to me, gesturing at Bitey, and I opened up the Rune input boxes of my HUD then drew the compressed Rune formula into it, targeted Bitey the bone-spider, and activated the spell.

Bitey began to almost slip comically in place at first, like one of those old cartoons where the characters legs spin like a wheel in place before taking off quickly, leaving only a gust of wind behind them. Bitey was gone a few seconds later, and a few seconds after that, the sound of a high piercing shriek was heard all the way through Goblinhome, reaching my ears.

Less than a minute had passed and Bitey was back on the table. It moved so quickly, none of us even saw it enter Melon’s kitchen.

Bitey spun in place and stuck one bony-leg foreleg up. Husband stuck out a balled-up fist and the two bumped… knuckles? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure at this point Bitey is a boy bone-spider.

“Tell Husband… Bitey likes Glace.”

“I Never not-believe Ebony.”

A few moments later, Button walked into Melon’s Kitchen.

“Ebony… why send Bitey scare Glace?”

Ebony quickly pointed at Ark Wyze.

“Tricky Husband fault?”

Ark Wyze nodded, taking most of the blame for us.

“Sorry. Help Mint learn tree-magic. Use spell make run fast when kill Black-claws. Try on Bitey first. Bitey like Glace, tell Bitey run fast, give kiss.”

Button shook her head.

“Wait. Husband teach Mint go-fast magic?”

Everyone present nodded, including Melon, who was witness to what I spell I had just used on Bitey moments ago.

Button turned to face me and pointed at herself.

“Can make Button go fast?”

Considering it worked perfectly well on Bitey… it should work just as well on Button.

So, I nodded.

In return, Button grinned.

I think if she had any more blue pigmentation in her skin, there would be a legacy copyright case against her for how fast she could run.

Either way, trouble was averted, and I was somehow welcomed into both hunter and magician factions thanks to Ark Wyze who, when he had free time not being molested by adult goblins, taught me so much more about Formulaic magic and Rune manipulation than I ever learned through any forum guide from the so-called experts.

On the seventh day of having assumed the character of Mint, I woke up and felt the hand of death pressing down on me.

I felt no desire to get up, to move my body, to even eat, drink, shit, or breathe. The logout button had appeared for a moment, though still greyed out, and I thought for a moment that the scenario was going to be ending with my inevitable death. However, before I could give in, Ebony had come to find me, disturbing me all the while she had a panicked look on her face.

I found myself being dragged out of my straw bed by her and forced to walk towards the back of Goblinhome where Old One’s cave-hole was.

“What’s going on, Ebony?” I complained.

“I don’t know. Old One says to keep it a secret.”

“Then why are you bringing me with you?”

“Because you’re my sister!”

“But Old One told you to keep it a secret! And isn’t Button more your sister than I am?”

“Mint… I’m not a mushroom-goblin who needs a tree, but I am a bone-goblin who knows that tree-magic belongs with bone-magic. I don’t need Iggy or Bitey to tell me that, either!”

It would be a while before I could pry the meaning of those words out of her, but were it not for Ebony, I might have been able to return to my life in the real world today. Return to my life never to know how much of the real story I would have missed the chance to learn. About everything that I had been searching for since the very first time I played the game and heard the NPC Yx mention their search for the last remaning member of the Bloodmaw Goblin Tribe…

Logout button?

No... There’s only one Button I care about anymore.