How To Raise Your Regressor

Chapter 1 - Hmmmmm, Spicy!

A cold darkness enveloped me as sniffles and hiccups continued resounding around me.

Try as they might, my family members were never the best at hiding their cries.

My powerless body could no longer move its hands, or I would have wiped their tears and assured them that it was alright, that this was nothing but a new beginning for me.

"Mommy, why isn't Grandpa saying anything?" An unsuspecting child muttered in this heavy atmosphere.

Seems like my dear granddaughter isn't aware of the situation. Then again, she's but a child.

"He's sleeping." Her father answered.

"But he has been sleeping for a long time!" She exclaimed. "My teacher said that those who sleep too much are bad."

Sleeping is bad? Looks like that teacher isn't going to win 'Teacher of this month' award anytime soon.

"Listen, Arla, your Grandpa is… yes, he's going to sleep for a very long time."

"Is he a bad person?"

"No. Your Grandpa is a very wonderful person. He's just… tired."

That I am.

"Ohhh." She lightly grabbed my hand. "You can sleep as much as you want, Grandpa!"

As cute as ever. A shame that I won't be there to watch her grow up.

As if her words were the cue, the sounds around me started to dim. As the beeps became more drawn out, their shouts and pleadings became hazier and hazier.

A peaceful sensation swept over me.

I don't know about others, but for me, death was akin to peace and serenity, the moment where one finally got to truly rest.

As their cries vanished, coldness swallowed me and I began to fall into an unending darkness.

As I fell and fell, I wondered; would this be the moment where everything will finally end and I'll have my eternal rest?

??????

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!"

Quite unsurprisingly, the answer to my question was a resounding no.

I opened my eyes to a birthday carol, with a huge crowd of people singing and clapping for me.

On the table in front of me laid a humongous cake, while an extravagant chandelier hanging above our heads illuminated our surroundings.

I looked around a bit, and sure enough, more such chandeliers were hanging from other parts of the ceiling. It seemed I was in a large party hall.

Except for the maids and butlers, everyone around me was garbed in flamboyant outfits. The faint opera playing in the background created a pleasant atmosphere.

"Cut the cake, Tess!" Suddenly, a woman handed me a knife.

Who was this again?

Uhh, ah, okay, according to this body's memories, this woman should be my older sister. Her name is, hmm, Lucia, while I'm Tess.

Surprise, surprise, I've been reborn into another world. Today's my 18th birthday so we're holding a grand party.

Oh, I'm also a Princess, apparently. No wonder my shoulders felt stiff.

A former man in the body of a young lass; this life is going to be one heck of a ride.

Anyway, I should probably stop acting like a lost child and act my part. I also need to find out how exactly I'm going to die.

Would it be poison? Or is an assassin hiding behind that chandelier? Or maybe a terrorist will bomb this venue?

I took the knife from my sister and cut the cake while everyone cheered. Following the customs of this kingdom, I took the first bite from that piece of cake.

"Ugh!" And then I vomited blood.

…

My throat burned and my insides felt as if they were on fire. My legs went weak so I started falling down.

"Tess!" Lucia swiftly caught me in her embrace.

Sure enough, it was poison.

Judging by the symptoms and the burning pain I'm feeling, it should be a fast-acting cyanide-based poison. Interesting, I suppose, though I'm going to fucking die.

Forgive me, sister, but it seems like- this fucking bitch!

Oh my god! She smiled! It was only for an instant, but Lucia smiled!

This is just wow. Who would have thought that my own sister would assassinate me?

Why would she do this? As the Pope (and quite the Pope she is), she has no right to fight for the throne, so it shouldn't be about who gets to be the ruler of this kingdom.

Is it a personal grudge? Did I unknowingly steal her lover?

"W-why…?" I eked out in a low voice.

Lucia leaned down and whispered in a low, teary voice, "I'm truly sorry, Tess, but this was the Trial imposed by my God upon me."

Hmm, yes, that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? After all, only a benevolent, morally upright God would ask you to kill your precious, beloved sister.

They say there's nothing that love cannot defeat, but apparently a dodgy God's dodgy Trial is where it draws the line.

You know what? Fuck this shit, I'm out.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this dumbass, so I'll just die.

Goodbye, cruel world.

??????

A cacophony of creaks and gasps woke me up.

I opened my eyes, but my vision remained hazy for some moments; it seemed I was either asleep or unconscious before regaining my memories, and considering that I was currently surrounded by burly men, I didn't know what was worse.

Oh wait, seems like I'm a boy.

Which doesn't really mean anything, now that I think about it.

I tried to move my body but to no avail. My hands and feet were tied, while my mouth was stuffed with a cloth.

"You're finally awake, you cursed monster." One of them spoke up after watching me struggle

A cursed monster, he says? Hmm, let's see.

This time, I'm Samur, a 12 years old boy and born into a noble house.

Now what? Am I being killed off because another of my siblings got a Trial from a God?

…

Oh, my fucking God, this is unbelievable.

Looks like my black hairs mean I was abandoned by the Gods. They believed that my soul was tainted and that I would one day bring ruin to this world.

It also seems that while playing with my 8-year-old sister from another mother, I accidentally fatally hurt her.

Since she was the eye candy of the ducal house while I was the cursed being who was allowed to live solely out of pity, the odds were stacked against me.

Some more things followed, including political ploys and religious plays, and it was decided that I would be left to die in a forest full of monsters.

…

Haaahhh.

I don't even know what to say. These guys saw me accidentally injure my own sister and straightaway thought that I was trying to kill her.

I mean, sure, that injury was actually a stab wound made by a sword, but hey, it was just friendly sibling banter; everyone does it.

It's not like an older brother or sister will actively try to kill their little sister for dumb reasons, like jealousy, or Trials from a God. These guys can't even take a joke.

Alright, whatever. Let's wait and watch first.

Aside from mocking me once, the men escorting me in this carriage didn't speak a single word throughout this journey, not even to each other. Only when we reached our destination did the guy, who I assumed to be the leader of this 'expedition', opened his mouth.

"Take him out."

By the way, I knew he was the captain by using my phenomenal observation skills through which I noticed that he was the only one wearing plate armour while the others used leather ones.

First of all, who the fuck uses a steel armour in a forest? If you're that interested in dying then go jump off a cliff or something.

The man who had cursed me earlier reluctantly nodded at his leader's orders and hoisted me up. He took me out of the carriage and threw me on the ground.

How incredibly rude.

"Untie him." He complied and sliced the ropes binding me.

Thanks, my hands were getting sore.

I looked around a bit, and sure enough, we were in a forest. These men had brought me into a small clearing right in the middle of the forest.

The trees were huge and the canopy of the forest was so thick that only a small amount of light made it inside, making it seem like beyond the boundary of this clearing was a world full of darkness.

Quite interestingly, for a place that was supposed to be full of monsters, this forest was rather quiet, which upped the eeriness of this place by a notch.

"Do it." The leader spoke to another robed guy.

The man, who held a staff in his hands, nodded back, thrust his staff out and started chanting something.

Moments later, a circular magic formation appeared in the air before him. Mana gathered around and got sucked into the formation.

Moments later, a fireball flew up in the air and burst with a thunderous sound.

"You're on your own now, monster." The leader spat at the ground and turned around.

Another robed man (aka a Mage) swiftly lit the carriage on fire (after setting free the creatures that were pulling it) and left.

Going by how quickly and quietly they acted (including the steel-armoured man), they were probably experienced hunters.

And befitting their title, they had set up a nasty trap for me.

"Grrrr." A growl arose from the shadows of the bushes, followed by more such snarls.

Their little play with that fireball had attracted all the nearby monsters to this position. They left quickly because they didn't want to be dragged into my execution, though I'm sure they would return later to make sure that I had indeed died. Exemplary.

I guess they came up with this plan to make sure I would not escape alive, though I don't understand why they were so adamant about killing me in such a roundabout way.

I don't think I should be the one saying this, but this probably wasn't the most tactical decision on their part.

Were they afraid of getting cursed blood on their hands? Foolish.

Now then.

What should I do? Let's review my current situation.

I'm currently surrounded by a group of monsters who aren't the least bit friendly.

Because I was barred from learning anything as I'm apparently cursed, my body is really underdeveloped and weak. It doesn't possess the strength or agility required to outmanoeuvre these monsters.

Assuming I somehow survived this, I still wouldn't escape unscathed. In this forest full of monsters, I would be nothing more than a walking main course.

Even if I made it out of this forest, I would still be ostracised and shunned by everyone because of my hair colour. I could even be executed.

So, in summary, let's just die.

This life is simply not worth the effort I'll have to spend saving it. Even if I survive, it'll be one hardship after another.

I guess I can find happiness if I successfully persevered through them, but I'm honestly not in the mood to do so right now.

"So, dear monsters, what are you waiting for!? Your feast is right here!"

As if provoked by my shout, one of the wolf-like monsters jumped at me. I prepared myself for the upcoming pain, but it never came.

Instead, I heard a swoosh, followed by a metallic glint. The next moment, the wolf in the air was bisected while its blood splashed over me.

As the corpse fell, it revealed behind it the back of a young man. His brown flocks of hair fluttered as gusts of wind blew, while his sword gleamed under the bright sunlight.

He glanced at from the corner of his eye, then vanished again.

More metallic glints appeared in the dark bushes, followed by meaty sploshes and beastly whimpers, and before long, the air was laden with the smell of blood while the ground was littered with the corpses of those monsters.

The perpetrator of this bloodshed now stood right before me. He was actually a young boy, probably around 16 or 17 years old.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" He suddenly grabbed my collar and hoisted me up.

Just then, the scene before me flickered, and a 'screen' appeared in front of my eyes.

NAME: Azell Dwyer

TITLE: Regressor

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Looks like my 151,897,914th life is off to a rather… spicy start.