Homestar Saga

The Symphony of Destruction hung back, keeping five thousand kilometers between itself and the Military fleet at all times. Stealth was holding. The fleet could only travel as fast as its slowest ships could manage, and it had taken a little over two days to reach the Gate to Tortuga. Two days of tense waiting and impatience. Now, finally, the attack would begin.

The Confederation carriers deployed their fighters. In wings of forty to eighty they gathered, ready to spearhead the assault. Frigates lined up around carriers and destroyers, ready to provide support and concentrate fire with the larger ships. Yvian had never seen the might of the Confederation on display before. It was an awesome sight.

"Could you turn the music off, please?" Lissa complained. The Captain had started playing old human music through the comms. Despite two whole days living in a decompressed ship, eating nutrient paste and sleeping in void armor, he'd been getting more and more excited as the Confed closed in on Tortuga. The human was never so happy as when he was about to kill people.

"Right before the big showdown? Don't be crazy." Yvian could hear the Captain grinning.

"Then can you play something better?" Yvian suggested. "I feel like my ears are going to bleed."

"Don't be disparaging the ancient war songs of my people." Mims huffed. "Humans have been listening to Megadeth for over a thousand years."

"It's the translators," Lissa explained. "We hear the song in our language, but the syllables don't line up. It turns the vocals into a disjointed, discordant mess."

"Well, shit." The music stopped. "I should've thought of that." Mims tapped into his wrist console, and a new song started piping into Yvian's helmet. "Instrumentals it is."

"I hate you," said Yvian.

"You'll like this one," Mims promised. "Ride of the Valkyries is the undisputed anthem of aerial combat."

"There's no air in space."

"Shut up."

The Confederation fleet entered the Gate. Mims brought the Symphony up to max acceleration. Yvian felt a surge of excitement as they charged forth, the anthem of aerial combat vibrating her body. Mims was right. She did like this one. The song finished. After a few moments of ringing silence, Mims said, "Alright, girls. It's time to-"

"Don't say rock and roll again," Lissa cut him off.

"-Get serious," the human finished. "We hit the Gate in thirty seconds."

As the Gate Effect resolved, Yvian had expected to see a battle. Instead, she saw a fleet of pirates hanging well outside the Confed's weapon range. They were much farther back than anticipated, over two thousand kilometers away from the Gate. The Confed fighters swarmed ahead of the slower capital ships, but they wouldn't be close enough to engage for another several minutes.

"All systems green, Lissa reported. "Stealth is holding."

"Initiating evasives," Mims reported. "We're going in. Yvian, what are we up against?"

Yvian focused in on the pirate fleet. The sensors gave her a count. "Eight thousand, four hundred sixty two fighters, twelve hundred thirty six frigates, four hundred battlecruisers, nineteen destroyers, and the Commandant's Dreadnaught." She looked closer at the screen and her heart sped up. "And a hundred and two YEET artillery barges."

"Damn." Mims looked over his own sensor screen. "That's a lot more than I was expecting." He sucked in a breath. "We still might be able to make it work. Yvian, target the YEETs. If we take them out fast, we might save enough of the Confed to make a difference."

Yvian pulled up a weapons screen. The Symphony of Destruction was equipped with thirty MAC cannons, more powerful versions of the Random Encounter's MAC driver. Programming it was simple enough. Without active sensors, she couldn't target the crews, but putting a few holes through their reactors would shut the YEETs down. Before she could initiate the firing sequence, she noticed something.

"The YEETS are taking evasives."

"What?"

Yvian checked the sensors again. "All the pirates are."

"Shit." The pirates hadn't been moving when they entered the sector. The Captain reached the same conclusion Yvian was coming to. "They can see us." He swung the Symphony around, making for the Jumpgate. "Lissa, drop stealth and activate Doppler. Yvian, change targets. Get a lock on that dreadnaught and fill every inch of void around it with MAC rounds." The Symphony of Destruction was fast, but they'd been accelerating away from the Gate for almost two minutes. It would take two minutes to reverse their acceleration, and another four to escape the sector. "If we're lucky we can kill the Commandant on the way out."

"Doppler's active," Lissa reported. "Jumpdrive?"

"We don't dare," Mims told her. "We'd be on a straight trajectory for thirty seconds. At this range, a YEET can hit us in twenty-five."

"I just scanned the Final Countdown," Yvian was glad she checked before she opened fire on the dreadnaught. "There's no one aboard."

"Remote piloting?" Mims sounded genuinely worried for a moment. Then his voice went perfectly calm. "They were expecting us. She's playing it smart."

"The Confed's not taking evasive action," Yvian noticed. "Do they know about the human weapons?"

"They should." Mims cast a quick glance at the sensors. "But either their Fleet Admiral's a moron or someone didn't pass it along. Those poor bastards are already dead. They just don't know it, yet."

The comm chirped. "Miiiims," a voice purred. "iiiI seEEeeEe yOoOOu..." Yvian's translator garbled the Commandant's melody, turning what was probably meant to be sexy into a jarring, painful sound.

Before Mims could answer, a terrible vibration thudded through the ship. It was followed by rapid thumps Yvian could feel through her chair. A look out the viewport revealed nothing. The inside of the Symphony's hangar bay was totally dark.

"Fuckshitshieldsnow!" The Captain yelled as his hands flew over flight controls. It took Yvian a moment to realize what he meant, but by that time Lissa had already activated the Encounter's shields. They flared, the light revealing a rapidly retreating bulkhead. More flashes of light told Yvian what she needed to know. the Random Encounter was bouncing around, ricocheting back and forth against Symphony of Destruction's walls.

One of the viewports shattered. Chunks of transparent material scythed into the bridge, lodging in walls and consoles. A few pieces hit Yvian, but her armor held. How The Crunch did that happen?

Yvian's console exploded, spraying her with chunks of metal and plastic. A hole appeared in the floor next to her foot. MAC rounds. They were being hit with MAC rounds.

The Random Encounter's weapons blazed. Mims had set them for wide dispersal instead of the usual narrow bolts. The ship bounced around for several more seconds, blasting holes in the Symphony of Destruction, but they still didn't have a way out.

Yvian had an idea, but she didn't have a control station anymore. "Lissa! Missiles!"

"We're bouncing around too fast!" Lissa protested. "I can't aim!"

"Just fire," said the Captain. "Felgan torpedos. Two of them. Now."

The shields flared as the torpedo's smashed through the Symphony in an explosion of plasma. The Random Encounter's shields dropped to thirty two percent, but a pair of holes opened up that were big enough to fly the ship through. Mims bounced them around for several more seconds before he managed to fly out.

Yvian caught a glimpse of the Symphony of Destruction in the other viewport as they escaped. In addition to the holes Lissa had made, the back third of the cruiser was missing. Yvian guessed it had been hit by a YEET.

The Captain burned straight for the Gate at maximum acceleration, swearing sulfurously. "Baited us. That fucking bitch baited us. Fucking fuck!" He continued his tirade as more holes appeared in the ship. He was still dodging around, but it wasn't doing much good.

How The Crunch were the pirates hitting them? Mims had been changing vectors at random since they entered the sector. No. Wait. The human's words dawned on Yvian. Mims had changed course once the pirates started dodging. He'd headed for the Gate. The pirates had planned for that reaction and guessed their trajectory. Then ten thousand ships had filled a huge swath of the void with MAC rounds.

Yvian would've started cursing too, if she hadn't been too terrified to speak. She didn't have a sensor screen anymore, so all she could do was look out the shattered viewport, praying to the Bright Lady. That, and feel the vibration as more and more holes were bored through the ship.

The lights went out. Yvian started, and the motion floated her out of her chair. "We've lost power!" Lissa sounded panicked. "I think they hit the reactor."

"I fucking know!" Mims grabbed Yvian as she floated by. She activated her grav boots, but he didn't set her down. "We have to abandon ship!"

"Are you insane?" Lissa demanded. "We'll hit the Gate in under a minute!"

"The voidarmor can take it!" Mims yelled back. "If we stay here we're dead!" He threw Yvian, launching her through the viewport. "Get off the ship! Fucking go!"