Homestar Saga

"We don't have to kill them."

Captain Mims looked up from his monitor. The distress call they'd followed were still sounding over the comms, becoming more and more desperate as the pirate band closed in. "Of course we do. That's the whole reason we're here."

"You know who I mean," Yvian chided. "The Tegarns. We can let them go."

"I thought we tabled this discussion," said Mims. Yvian kept looking at him. He stared back, but she couldn't read his expression with the helmet on. He sighed. "Fine. The Tegarns committed piracy. If they'd just panicked and ran off the with the Meat Missile, I could let it go. But they stole the other two ships, and they're on their way to a shipyard to sell them. That's not something I can let slide."

"They're innocent civilians," said Yvian.

"They were innocent civilians," Mims corrected. "Now they're pirates."

"They have kids."

"A lot of pirates do."

They listened for a moment as the source fo the distress call transmitted again. "This is the Pleasure Cruise, requesting immediate assistance. We're under attack. Please, anybody. There are eight hundred souls aboard. Please, you can't let them take us. Somebody, please..."

"We should say something to him," Lissa suggested. "He sounds like he's about to cry."

"He'll be fine for a few minutes," said Mims. "You finish the scan?"

"IFF's confirmed," Lissa told him. "These are the ones we're after."

"Good," he turned to Yvian. "Any support out there?"

"No other pirates in the area," Yvian told him. "No Militia either." They were silent for a moment, then she asked, "Don't you have enough kids on your conscience?"

Mims froze. A second later he turned and gave her what she assumed was a very annoyed look. "Are you... trying to manipulate me?"

"No!" the denial was instinctive, but half a second later she realized that was exactly what she was trying to do. "Maybe." She looked down at her console. "Yes."

"Well don't," Mims lost his casual tone for a moment. He crossed his arms and looked away. "You're not good at it." He sounded offended and... hurt. "And you know perfectly well we weren't going to hurt the children."

"No," she allowed. "We were just going to murder their parents in front of them." Guilt warred with frustration. She wanted to apologize to Mims, but she was worried it would cost her the argument. "Come on, Mims. You know what happens to orphans in the Confed."

"We can make arrangements," said the human. "I've done it before."

Guilt won out. "I know," said Yvian. "And I'm sorry for... what I said. It's just... I don't want to hurt those people. They're just regular people, Mims. They're poor and they're scared and... and...." Crunch take it, her eyes were watering. She took a breath. "I know we're killers. I know that. But we kill bad guys. Pirates and monsters. We don't have to... We can be a force for good."

"If anyone can hear me," the scared Captain of the Pleasure Cruise begged. "We need help. Please..."

Mims considered. A few seconds later he nodded. "Alright."

"Alright?" Hope blossomed in Yvian's chest.

"Alright," he repeated. "We're still taking our ships back once we finish here, but we won't kill them."

She gave him a brilliant smile that he wouldn't be able to see. "You're a good Captain," she told him. "And I'm really sorry about the children thing."

"Shut up," Mims told her. "You owe me ten thousands credits."

Yvian turned back to the sensors. The Pleasure Cruise was a customized passenger vessel. Four hundred meters long, forty wide, with sleek lines and a paint job that spoke of elegance and style. It was outfitted with sturdy shields and two dozen High Energy Plasma Cannons. Combined with its escort of two heavy corvettes, it should have had no trouble carrying its living cargo in comfort and safety. You would need a frigate at least to pose a significant threat.

The pirates had a frigate. They had three corvettes, and they had four fighters. It was the largest pirate fleet Yvian had seen outside of the Milvari attack. The Pleasure Cruise and its escort had slim hope of fending off a frigate, and no hope against a force that size. The frigate was only a little faster than the passenger liner, but that saving grace had almost run out.

"Attention, helpless dunks," the frigate hailed the Pleasure Cruise on an open channel. "This is Captain Galbalan of the Big Dirty. We've got you in our sights. Surrender now, and we'll make it easy on ya. Try to fight, and you're gonna be our new meat puppets. Think it over. Take your time."

"They'll be in weapons range in two minutes," Lissa reported.

"Hmm," the Captain hmmed. "We won't be there for another six."

"Do you think they can last that long?" Yvian asked.

"Better not to find out," said the human. "Lissa, on missiles. I want swarmers, two to a target."

"Loading," said Lissa. A few seconds later she said. "Ready."

"Fire."

Swarmers, otherwise known as BreakSeeker19s, were a missile of krog design. Immediately after launch, they break into nineteen smaller missiles that each independently track and follow their intended target. As a bonus, they ignite when fired, leaving a bright trail of plasma in their wake. Sixteen swarmer missiles exploded into three hundred four trails of plasma and streaked off into the void.

Missiles accelerate much faster than ships, and combined with the speed the Encounter was already moving, the missiles would reach their target in just under three minutes.

The Pleasure Cruise and its escorts opened fire as soon as Big Dirty and its fleet came into range. "Meat puppets it is!" Captain Galbalan laughed as Big Dirty plied its guns. The frigate's weapons were larger and more powerful than anything the passenger liner carried. Lances of burning plasma smashed into the Pleasure Cruise. Three corvettes opened fire on the escorts. To their credit, the pilots protecting the passenger ship didn't run. They fired back, and one of them even tried to shield the Cruise with its own hull. Yvian guessed they were a family operation, or at least close friends. She whispered a prayer to the Bright Lady that she would be in time to save them.

"What the shit?" One of the pirates noticed the swarmers. "Missiles incoming!" The smaller pirate ships all turned around to try to blast the missiles heading their way. The results were mixed. The fighters easily destroyed their missiles with a weapon Yvian had never seen before. Plasma spewed from them in massive cones, reaching nearly two kilometers in length and a quarter of that in width at the end. The corvettes had more conventional weapons, and only managed to shoot a few projectiles down before they got hit. The swarmers released pulses of ion in the direction of impact, doing far more shield damage than plasma and explosive force alone could have managed. One of the corvettes had already lost half its shields to the Pleasure Cruise's escorts. The remaining shields failed before they could stop the last few swarmers, and they smashed the corvette's engines, leaving it adrift in the void.

The frigate ignored the missiles entirely. All thirty eight hit, dropping its shields by nine percent. It continued to hammer away at the Pleasure Cruise.

A moment after the missiles hit, Captain Mims sent a general broadcast. "Attention vessels, this is Captain Mims of the Random Encounter. You have been caught in an act of piracy. Surrender or be destroyed."

"Well steal my pants and call me a nudist," Captain Galbalan answered. "It's the Madlad himself." The Big Dirty turned away from the Pleasure Cruise. "And it's not even my birthday! Get him, boys!"

The corvettes stayed with the Big Dirty, no longer bothering to fire on the passenger ship and its escorts. One of the escort corvettes was heavily damaged, and the Pleasure Cruise's shields were down to four percent. Yvian whispered a thank you to the Bright Lady. They'd made it on time.

While the corvettes stayed with Big Dirty, the four fighter pilots made straight for the Encounter."Plasma burst cannons," Mims remarked. "That's not good."

His matter of fact delivery sent a spike of adrenaline up Yvian's legs. "What The Crunch is a plasma burst cannon?" Lissa demanded.

"One of the nastiest weapons you'll ever see," the Captain replied. "Generates a massive cone of ionized plasma. Extremely damaging, and covers a wide area. Hard to dodge."

Before Yvian could ask what the plan was, the Pleasure Cruise hailed them. "Random Encounter, this is Captain Krreblin of the Pleasure Cruise." Captain Kreblin still sounded like he was about to cry, but with relief this time. " I'm damned glad to see you, and we can negotiate the rescue fee whenever you're ready."

Mims turned and stared at Yvian for a moment. "Nope." He shook his head. "Not dealing with that again." He opened a channel and replied, "Pleasure Cruise, this is Captain Mims of the Random Encounter. Fuck off."

"I beg your pardon?" Captain Kreblin sounded a little flustered. "Surely you don't mean to rescue us for free?"

"I'm not rescuing you," said the human. "This is my bounty, and you're in the way. Now fuck off."

"Bounty?" One of the pirates asked. "Did he just say he's here to collect a bounty?"

"Ironic, ain't it?" said Galbalan. "Thirty million credits falls into our lap, and he thinks he's hunting us!" The pirate laughed again. "What a fun day!"

"They'll be in range in thirty seconds," said Lissa. "What's the plan?"

"They'll work together and coat everything in a kilometer radius in ionized plasma," the Captain told her, "Frying the ship and boiling us alive."

"I meant what's our plan!" Lissa half shouted.

The human shrugged. "Don't get fried."

Yvian watched as the pirates unleashed a wall of plasma. Inertia carried the wave ahead of them, four cones of orange death expanding into a swath over a kilometer wide. "MACdriver?" she asked.

"Useless." Mims maxed the Encounter's acceleration, shooting forward, towards the burning wall. "The SHIELDBREACH device in the rounds is delicate." The ship plowed into the plasma as he spoke. "We'd be better off throwing rocks."

Yvian's butt clenched as the ship burned. The Encounter shuddered. Shields dropped rapidly. Two seconds after Mims finished speaking the ship strafed, sliding out of the plasma at an angle. Fourteen High Energy Plasma Cannons blazed to life, scything into one of the pirates.

"Shields at twenty percent," Lissa announced. "Eighteen percent. We're still burning!" Orange and yellow light washed through the viewports. Some of the plasma was clinging to the shields.

"It'll dissipate," Mims assured her. The pirates swiveled, waves of plasma forming an arc as they reached for the Encounter. They were much closer now. The plasma bursts didn't have the time to spread as far. Mims managed to maneuver past.

The pirates were disciplined. The fighter taking the hits didn't break formation to dodge. Instead they changed tactics, rapidly decelerating and throwing plasma in a wide pattern to stop the Encounter'sapproach.

"Shields at eight percent," said Lissa. "The burning stopped, but we can't take another hit."

"We won't have to." Mims decelerated as he strafed, still pouring fire into his target. He managed to skirt the far edge of the plasma clouds, avoiding contact by a bare ten meters. Thirteen of his cannons went silent, while the last fired a single shot. The bolt of plasma smashed into the bridge of the pirate ship, killing the pilot. "We're fast enough to dodge as long as we're close." He picked a second target and resumed firing. "PBCs move slower than projectile plasma, and they take time to spread."

"Now MACdriver?" Yvian asked. The human's calm confidence used to reassure her, but now she knew better. Mims was at his most self possessed when he was scared out of his mind.

"I already told you they're useless," said Mims. "Any round that touches plasma won't be able to penetrate shields." The Random Encounter swooped between two plasma streams, then veered sharply down to avoid the third. "We can't get any more of those things. I don't want to waste them."

As skilled as Mims was, he wasn't perfect. After taking out the second pirate, he dodged a fraction of a second to slowly. Plasma engulfed half of the shields.

"Shit! Drop the shields!" he yelled at Lissa.

"What?" Lissa stared in horror as the display ticked down. They'd gained a few percent as Mims dodged around, but the plasma was chewing through them fast. "If we do that-"

"Just do it!" Mims shouted.

"Doing it!" The shields fell. The plasma clinging to them lost contact. Mims tried to maneuver the Encounter away from it. A small tendril splashed against the hull of the bridge. Yvian stared in horror as a sizzling hole stretched a jagged line six meters across through the hull. She thanked the Bright Lady they always depressurized the ship before a fight. If that plasma had hit air it might have flash fried them all.

"Raise shields," ordered the Captain.

"Shields up," said Lissa. The shield display ticked up to one percent. "But it'll take a while to-"

"I know," he cut her off. He'd kept firing through the whole incident, and his guns smashed through the third pirate's shields. A single followup bolt killed that pilot, as well. "We've only got one left."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Yvian told him. "Two of the corvettes are heading our way." The third was still damaged, but had repaired its engines enough to keep up with the Big Dirty, which seemed to be heading for a slave processing station. "They'll be on us in three minutes."

"Shit."

"MACdriver?" Lissa asked.

"We might have to," said the Captain.

Yvian ran another vector scan, as she'd done every minute or two since the battle started. This time she got a hit. "We've got a new problem."

"What is it?" Mims put a final plasma bolt through the bridge of the last fighter.

"We got another small fleet headed for the Big Dirty. Three fighters and a corvette." Yvian swallowed. "It's the Brilend Militia."

Everyone was silent a moment. Lissa made a hopeful guess. "Uh, maybe they're coming to help?"

"They're coming from the same slave processing station the Big Dirty's heading for," Yvian told her.

Mims cursed. "We assumed the Militia was paid off. I never guessed they were running the show."

"What do we do?" asked Yvian. Fighting the Militia was not an option. Their IFF would be registered as hostile with every law enforcement and military vessel in the Confed. Piracy might be ignored, but people who shot at the Militia were hunted down.

"How long do we have?" Mims asked.

Yvian checked. "They'll rendezvous in twenty seven minutes."

Mims let a breath out through his nose. "Are the corvettes taking evasive?"

"No."

"Ok," Mims thought for a moment. "Lissa, MACdriver. Take out the corvettes, but don't hit the Big Dirty."

"On it," said Lissa. She started typing into her console.

Mims set an intercept course for the pirate frigate. "It'll take eighteen minutes to catch the Big Dirty. We need to capture it before the Militia gets here."

"We could just kill the crew with the MACdriver," Yvian pointed. "With the Jumpdrive, we can hit them and be gone before the Militia can do anything about it."

Mims shook his head. "The job is to make the pirates pay, but I don't think that's good enough. I want everyone. Everyone involved."

"Force for good," Yvian approved.

"You're a dork," said the Captain. He continued, "We can't fire on the Militia, but the Big Dirty'll have the evidence to prove their involvement. We need to take that ship."

"Please tell me you're not jumping out of the airlock again," said Lissa. "Not after last time."

"I'm not jumping out of the airlock again," Mims intoned. "Not after last time."

Lissa turned to look at him. Yvian could almost hear her raised eyebrows. "Really?"

"Really," Mims assured her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, then turned to Yvian. "Yvian, I'm gonna need you to jump out of the airlock."

"What?" Yvian protested. "Why me?"

Mims shrugged. "You're the one that wanted to be a force for good."