Homestar Saga

"I can't believe they stiffed us." Yvian glared at the message from the Confed Militia. Such was her indignity that she forgot to revel in her first time docking her shiny recently renovated ship.

"Of course they stiffed us," said Captain Mims. The human leaned back in his chair, legs crossed, hands behind his head, more relaxed than she'd ever seen him. "They're the trelg."

"Isn't that a little racist?" Lissa asked. "I thought a human of all people would be sensitive about stuff like that."

"I'm talking government," Mims explained. "Not individuals. The Confed Military is run internationally, but Militias are law enforcement run by their individual nations. The trelg government is famous for screwing over foreigners. That's why non-trelg companies don't do business there."

"Then why'd we go there?" Lissa wondered. "And why did we risk our asses to save their stupid shipyard if you knew they were going to screw us?"

The Captain shrugged. "That's where our client was. Since we had to save her anyway, getting paid for it's just good business. Remember, a privateer..."

"Never does anything for free," Yvian finished, rolling her eyes. The Captain took her apprenticeship seriously. He was an excellent teacher, but he never got tired of repeating himself. Yvian, on the other hand, got very tired of it indeed.

"And gets paid as many ways as possible." the human continued. "Screwing us out of the Rescued Property Reward doesn't change the fact that we made bank. We captured more ships in a day then most privateers ever get."

He had a point. Even after buying and personalizing her new vessel, Yvian had more money than she thought she'd ever see in her lifetime. "I still say we should go back and kick Captain Tharn's ass," Yvian groused. "If that motherless son hadn't lied in his report..."

"They'd have just found another way to screw us," the human pointed out. "And it's Admiral Tharn, now. They promoted him for heroism in the line of duty or some such."

"You've gotta be kidding me," Yvian protested. "He didn't do anything!"

"There ain't no justice in space, kiddo." Mims mused. "Just pirates and privateers."

"What does that make Tharn?" Lissa asked.

"Pirate." Mims stretched, yawning. "Confed cops always are." A clang reverberated through the ship as The Wandering Lady, formerly known as The Pantydropper, docked at Hysek Station. "Alright, ladies. We're here. Might as well get this over with."

They walked down to the cargo hold. Two hundred and three cryo pods awaited them. Mims had talked Yvian into letting them out at Hysek Station because A: that was their intended destination before slavers had attacked their passenger transport, and, more imporantly, B: it was on the way to Prisna III.

Mims had put Lissa in charge of Public Relations, and asked her to make arrangements for the prisoners. Captain Shade hadn't bothered keeping any of their effects when he took their ship, so they would wake up naked with no property. Lissa had used the Captain's money to purchase a self adjusting voidsuit and a set of underclothes for each of them. She'd also set aside two hundred and three credit chits worth twenty thousand each. Yvian had been sure the human would balk at that, or at least argue, but he'd just signed for them and walked off, muttering to himself about chump change.

As Lissa fiddled with the controls for the first pod, the Captain put on his helmet. When Yvian suggested the rescued might find that intimidating, he reminded her that the last prisoner that woke up and saw a human had pointed a gun at him. After trying to claw his eyes out. Yvian tried to come up with a pithy response, but had to settle for an annoyed grunt.

After seeing Mims deliver one of the prisoners to his mother at the Milvari Shipyard, she thought she knew what to expect. When they opened the first pod, she learned that waking up naked after a pirate attack in front of armed strangers was very different from waking up after a pirate attack in front of one's Mom. Nearly all the (savees? rescuees?) former prisoners went into a panic as soon as they were unfrozen. Several had to be physically restrained until Lissa could talk them down.

Once the initial panic passed, Lissa would explain that they had been rescued and brought to Hysek Station. She would hand them clothes and a credit chit, telling them it was a compensation package from the travel company. She would ask if they had children with them. If they did not, Mims would escort them off the ship. If they did, they waited a little ways off in the cargo bay.

It took hours. There was a lot of crying. They revived the children last, which led to more crying. Lissa seemed to find the work fulfilling. Mims seemed annoyed by the whole thing. Yvian found it uncomfortable, but satisfying in its own way. They were helping people, after all.

When the last child had been clothed, reunited with its parents, and led off the ship, Mims took off his helmet. "Glad that's over with," he said. "I need a drink."

Lissa looked him over, frowning. "We just saved two hundred people from slavery, brought them to a safe place, and gave them all a chance to get back on their feet. Don't you feel a little good about it?"

"What I feel," the human said, "Is tired, annoyed, and out four million credits. This whole give a chance thing was your idea." He started walking. The girls followed.

They walked in silence until they reached The Random Encounter. When they reached the kitchen Yvian had a thought.

"What do you usually do with rescued people?" She asked.

"Dump them with Station Security," he said, pulling a beer from the dispenser. "Then it's their problem."

"Isn't that a little cold blooded?" Lissa asked. She got a beer herself, and handed one to Yvian.

"I'm not a charity." The human told her. "I don't kill civilians and I don't deal with slavers. That doesn't mean I'm obligated to look out for every dunk that gets pirated."

"You've been looking out for us," Yvian pointed out.

"I needed a translator," Mims shrugged. "And you were hot." Lissa smacked him on the arm. "What?"

"Have you considered," Lissa's eyes narrowed, "The dangerous ramifications of saying that to the sister of the woman you're sleeping with?"

"I'm just stating a fact," Mims asserted. "You're not insecure enough to be bothered by such a thing."

"And what if I was?" She put her hands on her hips.

"I'd..." The human's eyes had widened. He knew he was in trouble. "...point out that you're slightly hotter?"

"Slightly!?"

"Once you've reached a certain level," he mused, "The difference between best and second best is very slim."

"Good answer," Lissa smiled, mollified. "You just saved your sex life. Not only that, but I'm going to give you a special treat."

"Really, Sis?" Yvian objected. "I'm standing right here."

"Not that kind of treat," Lissa assured her. She was doing something on her wrist console. "Check this out." Mims and Yvian each received an N-Mail. Yvian opened hers and found a Nexus link. Mims stared at his wrist, then at Yvian.

"Tell me you didn't." His face was pale.

"I did," Lissa was smug. "I sent them comms, sensor logs, everything. The whole battle."

"Why?" he demanded.

"People should know what we did." She shrugged. "Besides you're the one that put me in charge of public relations."

Yvian wasn't interested in listening to them argue. She pressed the link.

"There are some pilots so legendary they are only spoken of in whispers." a smooth male voice narrated. A holo-image of The Random Encounter appeared on her display. "Gradius the Gunner, Dusker Stellaris, Killer Kerbal, and the enigmatic Xi. When those pilots get together, they speak of one man, and one man only. Mark Mims. The Madlad. This is Danil from Spacedock..."

Yvian widened her eyes at Lissa. "You got us on Spacedock Weekly?"

"Sure did."

Yvian hit continue. "In many ways Mims is the typical human. A violent sociopath. An erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind..."

Lissa snorted. "He's not even kinky."

"...But the Madlad has a condition found strange even by others of his species. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It drives him to follow every letter of the law. It forces him to uphold his contracts. As far as I've been able to discover, this human has yet to commit a single infraction, abort a single mission, or fail a single objective. His single-minded drive for completion has forced him to face insurmountable odds, again and again, and so far, he's always managed to come out on top. I believe this disorder forced him to attempt the rescue of the Milvari Shipyard. He could not complete his contract if his client was killed. And so, he attacked an entire enemy fleet with nothing but a handful of captured pirate ships and a pair of prostitutes..."

"Prostitutes!?" Yvian was outraged.

"It's a respectable profession," Mims reassured her.

"No it fucking isn't!" she snapped. "It's what pixens do when they don't have any other skills. He might as well be calling us janitors."

"Janitors get paid pretty well," Lissa pointed out.

"Shut up."

They watched as Danil narrated the battle. Footage from The Random Encounter played across the display, along with their comm chatter. Yvian had to admit it was pretty compelling. But still...

"I can't believe this," She said when the story finished. "I expected better from Spacedock Weekly."

"What's the problem?" Mims asked.

"What do you mean what's the problem?" She demanded. "Didn't you hear what they said about you?"

"That's my actual reputation." Mims shrugged. "Looks like Danil did his homework."

"And the prostitute thing?"

"That's Tharn's fault." Lissa stepped in. "If you'd read his report, you'd know that he referred to us exclusively as 'the pixen whores.' He didn't even write down our names."

"That motherless son," Yvian growled. "I'm going to-"

"Send him a nice thank you letter," Mims cut her off. "This article," he glowered at Lissa, "Is a slap in the face to the pirates of the Freedom Republic. Commandant Barillas already put a bounty on my head. After this, she'll put a bounty on yours. Not having your full names out there will make you harder to track."

"You..." Lissa went from smug to worried. "You think she'd do that?"

"If she hasn't already. You just painted a target on yourselves. You'll have to be careful once we part ways at Prisna." The Captain finished his beer. "Speaking of which, we should probably get under way. Those textiles aren't going to sell themselves." He started to walk out of the kitchen.

"No," Yvian decided. He stopped, looking askance.

"The textiles can wait," She continued.

The human's eyebrows shot up. Lissa stared at her in concern. "Are you... Are you feeling ok, Sis?"

Yvian scowled. "I've been listening to your obnoxiously loud boinkathons for over a month. The only other women I've seen were at Milvari, and they were trelg, and they hate foreigners, and they made same gender sex fucking illegal. Hysek Station is a major hub, full of beautiful, available women. I'm going out there tonight, and I'm gonna find one. I will not come back until I. Get. Laid." She walked off to do just that.

As she left, she heard her sister say, "I think we might be here a while."